Always (Bold as Love)

by Lindsay Paige

  It’s too hard. I practically whine to myself. Jake is my everything and he’s miles and miles away. This is going to be a long two weeks. I don’t even want to think of how it will be when Jake makes it to the NHL. Instantly, our future is shining in a new light, one I’m not sure I like.

  6

  Jake

  Today, wow. Today has been exhilarating. Exhausting as well, but wow. I’m kind of speechless. Working with some of the greats will do that to a guy. It’s midnight at home by the time I get back to the hotel. All I want to do is crawl into bed and fall into a deep, relaxing sleep.

  However, I’m sure Emily is wanting to hear from me. I know I want to hear her sweet voice. Hopefully, she’ll be awake. Lying in bed, I grab my phone and speed dial her.

  “Hey, love. How was your day?” she answers rather quickly.

  “Fantastic. I’m worn out though. How was your day? You went to see Conrad, right?”

  “Yeah. He’s got a girlfriend. I think she’s the one for him. He was practically shining like a star around her. Drake and Logan had fun together too.” Emily pauses and then continues. “I should let you go and let you get some sleep.”

  “While that sounds great and all, I’m not getting off of here until I feel as if I’ve had my daily dose of Sweetness.”

  I can practically hear the smile in Emily’s voice. “I’m glad to hear that. Tell me more about your day.”

  I go into detail about my day, running over all the plays, the other people I’ve met, everything. Once it is midnight here, I finally say goodbye to Sweetness because my roomie is giving me glares. Sleep comes swiftly, knocking me into a deep slumber.

  Eve cons me into waking up extra early to eat breakfast with her at a Denny’s across the street. Sitting across from Eve, half dead from exhaustion, I rethink my decision-making skills. Eve is way too perky this morning. Figuratively and literally, thanks to her coming out in her pj’s with no bra. Who goes out in public like that anyway?

  I shake my head of the thought and focus on scarfing down the food in front of me. An order of syrup-dowsed pancakes, eggs, and bacon with a glass of milk sits before me. I keep my eyes pointedly focused on my food and not on Eve’s breasts.

  Don’t get me wrong; Eve is a beautiful woman. However, my heart belongs to Emily and no one else. I’m not about to slide my eyes over Eve’s figure and appreciate it when I have Emily.

  “Did you call Emily last night?”

  “Yep,” I reply after swallowing a bite of pancake.

  Eve shakes her head. “Is that why you’re so tired? You stayed up late talking to her? You are so whipped, Jake. What’s so special about Emily anyway? One day, y’all are together and the next, she kicks you out. Doesn’t sound like love to me.”

  That’s it. I’m sick of this kind of talk coming from Eve. My response is out of my mouth faster than you can say Fu-man-chu.

  “You don’t know anything about Emily.”

  “Yes, I do, Jake. I know everything about her because you told me. The girl is an emotional train wreck and she drags you down with her.”

  “Better she has someone by her side than no one at all.” Eve goes to open her mouth, but I stop her. “I’m not going to listen to this nonsense about Emily. Either shut up or I’m leaving.”

  Eve’s composure changes. “That’s just it, Jake. It’s not nonsense. It’s the truth.”

  “It’s nonsense for you to think even for a second that I would consider leaving her when she needs me most.”

  “Jake, listen to me for a second. You are a great guy with a fantastic future ahead of you. How do you think Emily is going to deal with you being gone for months at a time? She needs more than you have to give her, Jake. I just think that you should call it off now rather than later. Do what's best for you both. That way you can have your career without being weighed down by her needs, and she can live her life happily once she gets over you.”

  “I love her, Eve. Why would I leave her when she needs me?” Why am I actually putting thought into what she is saying?

  “Because, if you want to pursue your career to the fullest and allow her to live a life with the husband who will be home more than not, then that's what you need to do. Think about it. That's all I'm asking. She doesn't necessarily need you. She needs someone to be with her more than your career will allow.” Eve pauses as if she's mulling over a thought and her eyes pop. “You would ask her to come with you, wouldn't you?”

  My stony expression must be answer enough for her. We finish breakfast in silence, and once it is over, I slide out of the booth and leave without another word. I head back to my room and get ready for the day’s events. Eve’s words brew in my mind all day. Sure, Emily needs me a lot, but isn’t that part of being in a relationship? Being there when the other needs you? Being there period?

  Emily’s past is a huge reason for her “neediness”. Which brings me to why I’m thinking about Eve’s comments. When will her past completely stop running her present? Her past makes her who she is today, right? How will that ever change?

  Not that I don’t love Emily the way she is, but it does cause some problems occasionally. That I can’t deny. Damn it! Why did I let Eve get to me? The girl drives me crazy and not in a remotely good way. Looking back, I can see that she’s been making comments like this morning about Emily all along. I desperately want to talk to Emily. Of course, I’m hesitant because I’m not sure how she will take it.

  How would any girl take it for that matter? Eve is telling me to leave my girl because of my career. I’m amazed at how strong and fragile Sweetness is all at once. She is one of the strongest people I know, but at the same time, she’s so fragile. Like glass. It’s strong and sturdy but one wrong move or bump and it’s shattered. Can she handle my absence for periods of time? If I were drafted, would I ask her to leave her Dad behind? It would be different to move out of state with her boyfriend than across the state with me for school.

  I overanalyze last night's conversation and the text I received from Conrad, who said that Emily admitted that something really was bothering her about my trip. Separation anxiety, her words to be exact. What kind of man would I be to continue putting Emily through that? Why is the thought of her moving farther away from Mike bothering me so much? I know why and I hate it. That Jake who is weak from fear of rejection not only wonders if she would want to come, but if I could ask her to leave her dad behind. Her home. Why am I even thinking about this? Nothing has even happened yet.

  Training for the day is over, and I crawl under the covers, reaching for my phone on the nightstand. My roomie is out of the room for the moment and I need to hear from Sweetness. She answers on the fourth ring, temporarily scaring me.

  “Hey love,” she answers sleepily.

  “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “It’s fine. How was today?”

  With a deep breath, I spill partial beans about Eve, only telling her the first half of the conversation. Sweetness doesn’t say anything. She listens the entire time and stays silent, even after I finish.

  “Sweetness?”

  “What do you think about what she said about us?”

  “Sure, there’s some truth to it, but it doesn’t matter. I love you for you. The good and the bad.” And I do.

  “I miss you,” she whispers.

  “I miss you too. I’ll be home before you know it.”

  Daily, I’m thinkin’ about my Sweetness and how I wish to see her. Each night, the talk is pretty much the same. I miss you. I love you. How was your day? Each day, Eve gently reminds me of her advice. The worst part of this entire experience is that I'm actually considering it.

  Three days before I’m due home, our nightly talk takes a curve. One that I’m not prepared for coming from Emily.

  Sweetness sighs. “Jake, you being gone for two weeks is about to drive me to my wits end.”

  “Same here, Sweetness,” I quickly input.

  “Then how are we going to get used to not seein
g each other for weeks or even months at a time if you get drafted?”

  I’m positive my silence doesn’t help much. If I get drafted, I would be traveling across the country playing with a rigorous schedule and Emily would be back home, unless she comes with me. Eve's words refresh in my mind once more, and I'm at a loss for words.

  “I’m not asking you to choose, Jake. Please know that. I would just like to have this figured out before the time comes.”

  I’m caught completely off guard by Sweetness' words. She doesn't expect me to ask her to come with me. My heart sinks a little, and I wonder if it's that she doesn't expect me to or if she already knows she would say no if I did ask, and that's why she's saying that I don't have to choose. It worries Sweetness when I don’t answer right away.

  “Jake? Love?”

  “I’m here. I have always seen you, me, and the NHL. We’ll talk when I get home. I’m sure everything will work out as it should.”

  “And what if that doesn’t include us being together?”

  “It will,” I answer firmly.

  “I love you,” Emily says and relief is evident in her voice.

  “I love you too, Sweetness,” I answer, feeling full of regret because it's like I just lied about our future.

  7

  Emily

  With relief passing through, I quickly fall asleep. In the morning, Eve's words echo in my mind. Am I really a train wreck? Do I bring Jake down with me? What if the best thing for us to do is split up? I know that we are suppose to be thinking of all the good times during the rough patches, but what if that's not enough? It's unbearable with Jake being gone so long.

  I'm not so sure that I can handle it for longer periods of time. I shouldn't worry about this until it happens, but I can't help it. Will I uproot and move with Jake if he gets drafted and plays with a team out of state? Will he want me to go with him? Maybe it would be best to have a clean break and start anew with someone who would be there for me every day with a normal schedule. Guilt rises within me as my thoughts turn to Conrad.

  It's about eight when there's a knock on the door. Mr. Benson wants to drop Drake off. Of course, I don't mind. We are watching Phineas and Ferb when another knock resounds. I go to the door and open it. I see my mother and everything rushes back. The hatred in her voice as she told me that no one could possibly love me. The sneer on her face as I was raped. My body trembles at the onslaught of unwanted memories.

  I'm brought to the present as she speaks.

  “You haven't changed a bit, Emily.”

  I don't give her the chance to say anything else. Terror courses through me as I shut the door and run to my room, locking myself inside. Seeing my mother causes everything in me to break down.

  You'll never be good enough.

  They are only sleeping with you because I told them too.

  You're beyond ugly.

  You're worthless. Did you really believe Conrad would stay with you? Any boyfriend you have in the future will only use you for sex.

  You haven't changed a bit, Emily...

  Oh my goodness. I haven't overcome the damage she caused. This entire time I have been in denial. Jake was simply a way to pretend I was normal. This person that I am today is the same person my mother hated. This is the same person who truly feels unworthy. Seeing her brought all those feelings back to the surface and has made me realize that I can't truly be happy if I don't deal with this.

  No wonder I have felt as if something is missing. It's clear that I keep finding ways for Jake and I to be over because deep down, I know that I'm not worthy. I'm not good enough for him. I'm not his best match as a girlfriend and that's why he wouldn't ask me to come with him. Starting with my toes, a numb sensation works it way up my body until that is all I feel. In bed, I lie, waiting for it to pass. All my “hard work” in denying that my mother and her evil deeds existed has exhausted me. Instantly, my eyes close.

  I awake that afternoon to the sound of my door knob turning endlessly.

  “Emily? Open the door, honey.” Immediately, Dad knows something is wrong. I rarely lock my door.

  My lips are sealed tightly. If I speak, I'm afraid that voice will return. I can't do that. So my eyes close and I wait for my father to give up, which takes thirty minutes. The day passes by slowly. Dad tries repeatedly to get me to open my door. He evens gets Drake to persuade me. Nothing works.

  Not talking to Jake isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I can handle the not talking part. I lived in those shoes for so long, stepping back into them is easy and almost comforting with the familiarity. I leave my room later that night to sneak out and get food and water. The next day comes with my mother's voice screaming in my head over and over that I haven't changed.

  “Hon, are you going to pick Jake up from the airport?”

  My alarm clock shows that it's ten in the morning and time to leave to pick up Jake. When I don't respond, Dad's footsteps recede. I don't want to see Jake. He will be so disappointed to discover my setback. But I can't fake it anymore. If I learned anything from my miscarriage, it is that faking only makes it worse. I just need a day or two more to figure out how I'm going to handle this. I have to deal with this. I want to be better. Really and truly better. No more faking. I'm done with that.

  8

  Jake

  Here I am, back home after two weeks away, and I’m practically alone. Mike and Drake are waiting for me at baggage claims. The first thing I notice is that Emily's not with them. The second thing is that Mike looks madder than hell.

  “What have you done now, Jake?”

  Confusion causes my eyebrows to burrow.

  “I swear, sometimes I think y’alls relationship is a bit toxic. Especially for her,” he continues.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Don't bullshit me, Jake. She's been stuck in her room for two days. You've done something...” he trails off, quite possibly noticing my confusion. “You haven't talked to her? You haven't upset her?”

  “No. She hasn't been answering my calls, but I figured she was just sleeping since it was so late. What's going on?”

  “I think I know,” Drake speaks up quietly.

  Mike and I both look down at my little brother.

  “I overheard a woman talking to Emily the other morning. She didn't say anything mean to Emily, though. But after that, she locked herself in her room.”

  “Why didn't you mention it before, Drake?” Mike asks.

  Drake shrugs. “I was eavesdropping. I didn't want to get in trouble.”

  “It had to have been her mom. I need to see her.”

  “Good luck,” Mike answers.

  The hour and a half drive from Raleigh feels like five, and I'm glad I was able to get my flight back switched to the Raleigh-Durham airport instead of Charlotte. Sure enough, Emily's door is locked, and she's not talking to anyone. I try and try, but no answer. There's no sound whatsoever coming from the other side of this door. Finally, I ask Mike if he will take Drake to the movies or something, so I can try to get through to Emily with the house empty.

  “Sweetness, please open the door. Talk to me.”

  Nothing.

  After an hour, I sigh in defeat as I take a seat on the floor outside of her door. I hear a click. Have my ears deceived me? Quickly, I stand and slowly turn the knob to find out. The door creaks open. She’s laying in bed on her side, curled up in a ball. I lightly rap on the door twice to let her know that I'm coming in.

  Without looking, she says in that quiet voice I hoped I would never hear again, “Shouldn’t you be at home?”

  “I should be wherever you are.”

  “Don’t be all nice and sweet, Jake. I would like for you to stay away for a bit.”

  “Well, that’s not going to happen,” I say as I crawl into bed behind her and cuddle. Maybe she means to, maybe she doesn’t, but either way it makes me happy when she leans into me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say as my lips brush her neck.

&nbs
p; “For?” Before I can answer, she's talking. “I want to be mad. I want to be mad at you. I am furious with you actually.”

  “Why?”

  “Can you please not touch me?”

  Taken aback, I reluctantly slide away from her and see her relax.

  “I'm sorry,” she begins. “It's all been a lie. I'm sorry, but when you came along and started making me do things, making me return to the old me, I couldn't pass up the chance to be normal again. Or at least pretend to be.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I'm saying that I'm not over what happened with my mom. I'm saying that it still bothers me greatly. You were my escape from my past and with everything that has happened and my mom coming back, it's over. I'm sorry. I used you. It's time I face reality, Jake.”

  “What's over? Us? Just talk to me, Sweetness. It'll be okay.”

  “No, it won't. Don't you get that I used you? Aren't you mad with me?”

  “I could never be so mad with you that I no longer want you, Sweetness. Are you saying that you don't really love me? That our entire relationship means nothing to you?” She couldn't say that. She couldn't mean it if she did say it. Emily is my everything. She can't mean that. I don't know what I can do to help her anymore.

  “No,” she answers quickly and I'm instantly relieved. “I fell in love with you. That was and still is entirely real. Eve was right, though. Whether you see it or not, I'm a train wreck. I don't want to drag you down with me, Jake. What am I going to do?”

  Still, Emily is facing away from me. Hesitantly, I pull her against my chest and say, “Have you considered therapy?” Her back goes rigid against my chest. “I missed you,” my voice comes out deeper than usual.

  Sweetness says, “I missed you too. Can we just lay together before we start with all the serious stuff?”

  “Absolutely.”

  She rolls over and buries her face in the crook of my neck. Her arms wrap around me, and she squeezes tightly. Her silence only lasts but so long before she feels the need to break it.