Always (Bold as Love)

by Lindsay Paige

  “Why? He will know what to do.”

  “I'm an adult now, Emily. I'm the responsible party and I need to start playing the role.”

  “There's nothing wrong with getting a little help, love.”

  “I know,” Jake runs his hands over his face, an action I've seen my father do many times when he's exhausted and worried. “I'm sorry. Go ahead and call him. I'm just overwhelmed.”

  “I know, love. I know.” I give him a little kiss on the cheek and call Dad, telling him what happened and notice Jake wince a few times. My heart aches for him. I just want to cuddle with him like he's my favorite blanket. I'm so used to Jake holding me, but today, it's the other way around. He leans into me effortlessly and now, I understand how much I've underestimated and unappreciated him. He's always held my world together while I was falling apart and it's my turn to do the same for him. So I hold him until Dad arrives and then Jake turns into a person I've never seen before.

  He's formal and hides his turmoil of feelings. Almost as if he's turning into a statue.

  It scares me.

  As soon as my dad sat down, Jake put up a thick exterior, and I'm not even sure if I can get through it. The absolute last thing anyone in the house needs is for Jake to close himself off to everyone. I've never seen that side of him, and I don't want to anytime soon. I only want him to feel better, but that will take time. Dad makes a plan to stay and be here when the social worker arrives so he can give his input.

  I'm still stuck on Jake. His posture is rigid, and his hands constrict around one another. I can't help myself as I reach over, take his hands, and hold them in mine. Just then, I see into Jake's soul. He looks over at me with the saddest eyes filled with so much worry. Without a second thought, I wrap my arms around him and sigh with relief as he hugs me in return.

  “I love you,” he murmurs into my neck.

  “I love you,” I reply. I do. I love Jake so much that I can hardly stand to see him so defeated. Everything starts lining up and this happens. Jake has lost not one, but two parents in less than five years. His heart is broken and there is a strong desire coursing through my blood to mend his heart. But Jake lets go and tells no one in particular that he's going to check on Drake.

  Relief is evident as we find out that Mr. Benson had a will. The only thing we know for sure is that Jake gets custody of Drake. That's going to be a tough one with Jake's upcoming career. Being entirely selfish, the only thing I want right now is to cuddle with my love and find out how he's truly handling this. It's hard, I know, but I need be there for him and tell him that things will work out. I long to tell him this, but it's as if I can only do so in the confinements of his room.

  The day is long as Jake and Dad discuss upcoming preparations for both the funeral, Jake's career, and Drake's stable home. Seeing Jake in so much despair is killing me.

  “Jake,” Dad begins, “I mean this in the best possible way when I say this. I think that Drake should stay with me.” Jake tenses immediately. “You have a lot going on right now and I think it would be best for everyone if he stayed with me until things balance out with you. Drake needs some stability and I don't think with your career that you can offer him that. I'm not saying he needs to stay with me forever. Let's give things a year and see where we are.

  “Don't you think?” Jake's shaking his head, but my Dad forges on. “Listen, Jake. Do you honestly think you can take care of him right now and keep your dreams alive? No. You won't be able to do it. At least think about it. That's all I'm asking.”

  Jake seems to think about it before he turns to me.

  “What do you think?” Jake continues without waiting for me, “Because I'm thinking I've dodged enough bullets and it's time I take one. He's my brother, Emily. I can't just give up on him.”

  “He's not asking you to give up, Jake. He's asking to give us time for our lives to balance so we can give Drake what he needs. Think about it. When will you have time to take care of him with all these camps you have coming next week?”

  “I'll think about it,” Jake turns to my father, but gives me a look that says this is clearly not over.

  “Good. I'll see y'all tomorrow. Are you coming home tonight, Emily?”

  “Probably not,” I reply to Dad.

  “Okay,” he stands and kisses my forehead, pats Jake on the shoulder, and leaves. As soon as the door closes shut, Jake stands abruptly, flinging his chair backwards so it falls to the floor.

  “I can't believe you agree with him!” he roars.

  Jake's hands are clasping the table, turning his knuckles an eery color. He looks down at me with disdain, and I try my hardest not to let it get to me. I'm going to try and stand my ground with this angry-at-life Jake.

  “Why can't we handle Drake, if we were going to handle a baby a year ago? It doesn't make sense to me, Emily.”

  “Think about it, love. If we were going to have a baby, I would have stayed here at home while you went to college. I wouldn't let you give up on your dreams.”

  “And you know that I wouldn't have let you not let me. You know that I would've been there.”

  “That's not the point, Jake. Dad is giving us a chance to get prepared for what it will take to be there for Drake and provide the stability that he needs. We haven't even talked about the future. How can you uproot him like that? I don't even know if I'm going with you yet or if I'll wait until the semester ends. If I don't go, you won't have the time to take care of him.”

  “He's. My. Brother.”

  “Then do what is best for him, Jake! I'm not going to argue with you when you are being unreasonable. When you are ready to talk, come find me.”

  With that, I stand, walk around his fallen chair, and upstairs to find Drake.

  26

  Jake

  She's worried, I know this, which is why I'm going to stand my ground and not pace. None of this makes sense to me. It's time I act like an adult that life desperately wants me to be, and that I take care of my brother. I don't move for two hours, my feet starting to ache slightly.

  When I go upstairs, night has crept up swiftly and Emily and Drake are in my bed asleep. With care, I pick Drake up and take him to his own room so Sweetness and I can talk. Climbing into bed, Sweetness snuggles up to me and whispers.

  “I was wondering how long it would take you. Jake,” she begins. I gulp, clenching my jaw, unsure if I want to hear what she has to say. “Don't look at me like that. All I'm saying is we are finally getting the chance to get our lives balanced before we bring Drake into it. Can you honestly say that you want Drake in our lives? As crazy as it is? Can you? We're in college and you're going to move to Chicago, Jake.”

  “Don't you think I know that?” I hiss.

  “Do you? We work. We go to school and you have hockey. Where are you going to put Drake in all of that?”

  “He's my brother,” I plead, desperately not wanting to give up on him.

  “Then act like it. Do what is best for him.”

  Emily rolls away from me and slowly, I'm losing my composure. Grabbing her waist, I pull her backwards to me and bury my face into her neck, seeing why she finds it so appealing.

  “I'm sorry. It just feels like I'm leaving him behind when he needs me most.”

  “I know.” She rolls over, forcing me to look into those brown beauties of hers.

  “How am I going to tell him that? That I'm just throwing him with Mike while I go live my dreams. He doesn't deserve it.”

  “You're right.”

  “Then why aren't you agreeing with me? Damn, Sweetness, you're throwing me all over the place.”

  “Let's sleep on it, okay. Because I think that if we can have the opportunity to get prepared for what it will take to be there for Drake, then we should take that, even if it means he stays with my dad for a while. And if I'm being completely honest here, I should have just as much say as you do because who is going to be with Drake when I do move with you? Me. You're going to be at hockey practice or games. That l
eaves me and that's only after this upcoming semester. Trust me, Jake. I really think this is the right decision.”

  “I'll think about it.”

  Emily kisses me goodnight and I do think about it. I stay up most of the night, unable to sleep, as these thoughts plague me. It's roughly three AM and Emily jolts awake. She looks over at me, taking in my raised eyebrows and cuddles against me.

  “Have you been awake all this time?” she whispers, trying not to break the fragile air.

  “Yeah,” my voice is gruff.

  “C'mon, love. You need some sleep.”

  “I know.” Instead of focusing on my brother and decisions that need to be made, I focus on Emily, how her body curves to fit mine. Her breathing slowly comes in even intervals, rising and falling gracefully. The way something must be scaring her in her dreams as she grabs a fistful of my shirt. Soon, as I take in all the details I love about my Sweetness, I'm able to fall asleep, but not for long.

  Morning comes all too soon and instantly the awaiting decisions bombard me. Emily's not in my bed, but within seconds, I hear laughter coming from Drake's room. Is my father really dead? How is it that I'm only nineteen and I've lost both parents? How is it that I'm faced with all of these tough decisions already? To think that these decisions would be so much more complicated if we hadn't of lost our baby just a year ago blows my mind.

  It has finally hit me at how I've truly dodged some bullets while being with Emily and how easily life can change in an instant. Gratitude for what I do have comes to the surface. I'm thankful for Sweetness and Drake, even Mike. I'm thankful for the talent I possess with hockey and the upcoming opportunities.

  I want to be able to provide Drake everything he needs. I want to be there for him, especially since there is no one left. The best way for me to do that is to prepare for that situation. Emily's right. This is a chance we should take. Sighing, I contemplate my decision. Now, I must explain to a nine year old why his big brother won't be taking care of him for a few months to a year.

  Tossing the covers back, I ignore the creaks as I get out of bed. Walking across the hallway, I enter Drake's room. The laughter stops immediately and they both look at me.

  “Can I talk to Drake for a moment, Sweetness?”

  “Of course. I was just about to go make breakfast anyway.”

  I take Emily's seat beside Drake and the words just come out of my mouth without much thought.

  “Drake, you're going to stay with Mr. Mike for a while, okay? Emily and I have some kinks to work through first and then you get to come stay with us. What do you think about that?”

  “I can't stay with you?” his bottom lip trembles.

  “Not just yet. Drake,” I begin, but am quickly cut off.

  “No! I'm not going! I want to stay with you, Jake. Don't leave me. Why does everyone keep leaving me?”

  In a haste, I change my mind. “I'm not going anywhere, buddy. If you want to stay with me, then of course, you can. No one is leaving you, Drake. Not me, not Emily, and not Mr. Mike.”

  “Promise?” Tears streak his slightly cubby cheeks.

  “I promise.” I wrap my baby brother into a hug and make a vow to make things work. Sooner rather than later. Now, it's time to get down to business. My mind goes into overdrive as Emily hollers that breakfast is ready. I'm silent as we eat because my mind is working.

  I have no idea how I'm going to care for my brother if Emily doesn't move with me to Chicago. How hard will it be to convince her? Will it be hard at all? I shake my head. Here I am planning on moving to Chicago when I don't even know if I'll make it to the second camp and afterwards.

  But I do know.

  I can feel it deep within myself that I'm going to get a contract. It's just a matter of working my ass off. Today, though, I have to call Uncle Roy and let him know what has happened. It didn't even cross my mind yesterday. He answers on the third ring as I wait patiently on the front porch.

  “Hey, Jake. How are you doing?”

  “I'm okay. Look, I, um, have something to tell you.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “No,” I sigh. “Dad, he's dead. He started drinking again and he went out to a bar, got too drunk, and attempted to drive home. I'm sorry, Uncle Roy.”

  He's silent for a few minutes before he finally speaks. “We'll be there this afternoon. I'll see you then. Love you, Jake.”

  “Love you too, Uncle Roy.”

  Whew. Now, I don't have to deal with the arrangements. Uncle Roy can handle that. Mike pulls in just as I'm about to go inside.

  “My uncle is coming down,” I answer his question as to how things are today. Before we go inside, I mention the change of plans. “He doesn't want to stay with anyone but me and I don't have the heart to do otherwise.”

  “That's fine,” he says, patting my shoulder. “I'll be here to help every step of the way.”

  “Thanks.”

  We go inside and I snag Emily from the guys to let her know what's going on.

  “Okay. No problem. We'll figure out a way to handle this,” she comments, not really looking at me.

  “Sweetness, what's wrong?”

  She sneaks a sideways glance at me and sighs. “Nothing. I was only attempting to figure everything out at once and got overwhelmed.”

  “We'll figure this out together. Once Uncle Roy comes down, maybe we can get a chance to discuss things.”

  “I know. I'm sorry.”

  “For what?” I ask quizzically.

  “For being momentarily selfish. I thought of myself first and everything I would have to change in my life for you and then I realized that that is what we are about. Being there for one another and compromising. I realized how easily you would do the same for me and how I hated myself for being selfish. Even if it was just for a second.”

  I tuck her into a hug and kiss the crown of her head. “You're not perfect, Emily, and neither am I. I love you, Sweetness.”

  She playfully punches my arm, coming out of our embrace. “Don't call me Emily.”

  “It's your name, Sweetness,” I smile.

  “Not coming from you and you know it.”

  “Let's get back inside.”

  Taking her hand, I lead her inside to the living room where Mike and Drake are watching cartoons. For two hours, we sit and enjoy the distracting sounds of Tom and Jerry without a worry in the world. It's blissful. Then the door swings open and Uncle Roy and Aunt Diane burst through with their girls following behind.

  “Oh Jake. Drake,” she cries bringing us together in a hug as Drake and I are sitting next to one another. It's an awkward hug and Uncle Roy stands near Emily, a sad frown on his face. Aunt Diane kneels in front of us and pulls away to get a better look.

  “We're fine,” I lie.

  My eyes are drawn to Emily as I catch her fidgeting in her seat. Her hands are wringing together, and I wonder why. Her eyes are looking everywhere but at Uncle Roy. With a quick, subtle glance his way, I see his eyes are focused on Emily's hand. Shit. He knows about our engagement. What a fine time to find out. No doubt that Emily is reliving what happened at the charity ball.

  “Can I speak with you and Emily for a second?” Uncle Roy asks, directing his question at me.

  “Sure,” I say nonchalant. Emily and I follow him out to the front porch. I hold Emily's hand and she squeezes it nervously. My uncle runs his hand through his nonexistent hair.

  “How long have y'all been...like this?” he asks exasperated, looking down at our hands.

  “Not long at all. We aren't getting married any time soon,” Emily tries to soothe him.

  “What the fuck are you thinking, Jake? I thought I made this clear to you. She's no good for you. She's more of a burden than anything, you know that. How could you even think that marrying her is a good idea?”

  “I love her,” I say through clenched teeth. This is not the time for this.

  “Love isn't going to keep you in the NHL if you have her tagging along, dragging you down
, Jake.”

  “She's right here! Stop talking like Emily isn't standing here. We love one another and no one is going to stand in our way. Don't you dare talk about her like that again or you'll never see nor hear from Drake and me again. I didn't call you here to get bitched out because you don't like my decisions. My father just died and I would like for someone to deal with the preparations so I don't have to say that I buried not one, but both of my parents.”

  With that, I take Emily's hand and usher her inside. Her hand is trembling in mine. I'm so furious! What makes him think that he can say that in front of Emily? As if she wasn't even standing there. I shake my head and Emily's hand leaves mine as she hurries upstairs. The screen door slams behind me as Uncle Roy reenters the house.

  “What's wrong with Emily?” Drake asks nervously.

  I send a quick glare to Uncle Roy who returns it with an I-told-you-so look.

  “Nothing, Drake. She'll be right down. I'm just going to go check on her.”

  Taking two steps at a time, I rush upstairs. Emily's lying in my bed, snuggled under the covers, facing the wall.

  “Sweetness,” I begin calmly and sweetly. She chokes on a sob and shakes her head.

  “I'm sorry,” she whispers.

  “For what?” I cuddle up behind her.

  “For being upset.” She rolls around to face me. “I shouldn't be upset, but how can I not be? He thinks I'm a burden. A burden, Jake!”

  “I know, Sweetness, but he's so far off the mark.”

  “He's your family. How could you not listen to him?”

  “Because he's wrong,” I whisper right into her ear as she buries her face in my neck.

  “Did you really bury your mother?”

  “Yeah. Dad was too upset so I handled what arrangements I could.”

  “I'm sorry.”

  “Don't be. It's over now. Are you okay?”

  “I reckon,” she sighs.

  “C'mon. Let's go downstairs before Drake starts to worry.”

  Emily hugs me tightly before letting me go.