Life... With No Breaks (A laugh-out-loud comedy memoir)
Page 18
That’s the reason why so many Saturday night parties go on until five or six in the morning. It may seem like it’s because everyone is so tanked up that the clock has become just a blurry blob on the periphery of vision, but it’s actually because we know damn well that the clock is there and we’re trying our best to deny its existence by staying up well past our bedtime.
Let’s get really short-term shall we?
Watching a good movie.
Sat in a comfy seat at the multiplex, popcorn in one hand and bucket of coke in the other, you sit and watch some amazing spectacle unfold in front of you. You love the characters, you love the plot. It speaks to you in ways no other film ever has.
But you know it has to end – and that very soon you’ll be spending fifteen minutes trying to find the BMW in a car park roughly the size of Mozambique.
Even more short term?
How about lunch breaks in the sun, with a tasty baguette from the sandwich shop and a cup of coffee that revives and invigorates? You eat the baguette and sip the coffee, knowing full well you’ve got to go back to that bloody processing report in a minute.
What about a long, luxurious bath?
The tub is full with hot soapy water that soothes away aches and pains. No-one else is in the house, so you’re able to giggle loudly when you fart and can sing songs at the top of your voice if you want. But the water will get cold eventually and you’ll have to get out.
How about the half an hour you spend reading a good book?
The one by Nick Spalding that you downloaded because it looked like an easy read. You’ve found it to be a thoroughly entertaining way to pass a few minutes in your otherwise hectic schedule and would recommend it to your friends.
…ahem.
Shorter term still:
How about the first cigarette after a large and delicious meal?
Or the last drink before saying goodbye to your friends and wending your way home in the spring moonlight?
Or the soaring orgasm you have at the same time as the person you love?
When all good things end, it’s hard (or soft in the last example) and there’s inevitably some sadness and pain involved.
In a way, that’s good though, isn’t it?
After all, there’s nothing wrong with the flavour bitter-sweet…
10.54 pm
54127 Words
Nearly at the end now…
Only a few pages left.
Stick with me. I still have a few things to get off my chest before we’re done.
So, what should you do with this book when you’ve finished it?
You could simply save somewhere in a folder on your PC or e-book reader, leaving it to electronically hibernate.
If you do, please do me a favour and don’t store it next to some weighty, important novel like Of Mice And Men or The Complete Works Of Shakespeare. It’ll be highly embarrassing to be in such company and I may never recover.
The next time someone asks you if you’ve got anything to read, you can suggest this book if you like. Don’t give them your copy though, make them download one of their own and I’ll share the royalties with you 50/ 50. Deal?
Alternatively:
Top Tips For What To Do With Spalding’s Book Once You’ve Finished It!
1. Upload to bit-torrent so people can download it for free. This will of course make you an utter bastard, but as I cheerfully downloaded the entire series of Friends the other day, I can’t really complain, can I?
2. Someone in this world you don’t like? Then why not print off relevant pages with a series of passages highlighted in bold that you feel best describe them. I’ve taken a pop at all different kinds of people over the last fifty thousand words, so there’s hopefully a suitable section you can use. When you do this, point meaningfully at the parts you’ve highlighted and say ‘read and learn.’
3. Print off the whole book and get me to autograph it. This will require stalking me for an extended period of time. I tend to go for a constitutional walk around tea time if that helps. When you’ve finally confronted me and I steadfastly refuse to sign, threaten me with a sponge until I capitulate.
4. Deliberately annoy people at dinner parties by entering into a conversation about a topic I’ve brought up. When they start to make a point, whip out your e-reader and utter ‘Well, Nick Spalding says…’ followed by a lengthy reading in a dull, monotonous voice. See how many times you can do this in one evening before they throw you out.
5. Decide this book is now your Bible. Take it down the local shopping mall and stand reciting parts of it at the top of your voice until the police come along and batter you with truncheons. Call them fascist thugs between beatings. If nothing else, you’ll probably get on YouTube.
6. Spend months looking for the secret code in the text that will lead you to a complete understanding of the nature of existence. If it works for Dan Brown, it can work for me. If you do find anything, bore intellectual people with it at your leisure.
7. Translate the book into a foreign language. Compare the two versions and learn a new tongue. You’ll know the Swahili for clock, sponge, bowels and embarrassment in no time, I assure you.
8. Need to make an apology to a loved one for a recent indiscretion? Print off the following section, filling in the blanks as appropriate:
I, __________________________________ AM VERY SORRY FOR___________________________________LAST WEEK/MONTH/YEAR (delete as appropriate).
I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY APOLOGISE, AND HOPE THAT YOU’RE ABLE TO FORGIVE ME/ LET ME OFF/ NOT CUT ME OUT OF YOUR WILL / GET THE PROBLEM CLEARED UP WITH OINTMENTS (delete as appropriate) AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
THE AUTHOR NICK SPALDING WILL BACK ME UP ON MY SINCERITY, AND YOU CAN TRUST HIS OPINION COMPLETELY.
SIGNED, IN GROVELLING REGRET:__________________________________________
9. Use this book as inspiration to write your own. I’m certainly too lazy to write a sequel, so why not take up the mantle for me? As I’ve said, people love to read about the lives of others and I’m sure you have quite a few anecdotes of your own that’ll fill up a couple of hundred pages. I recommend doing it in intervals over a few weeks though. This writing a whole book in one sitting thing sounds like a nice idea, but you try telling that to my arse.
There you go, not only do you get a book to read, you also get some helpful tips and suggestions for hobbies and pastimes - I like to add that extra special something when I can.
11.34 pm
54873 Words
So we’ve come to the end of our journey.
You’ve been here by my side through the entire thing and I genuinely hope it’s been fun for you.
I hope you’ve liked the time we’ve spent together - and that the chair you’ve been sitting in for what seems like a century hasn’t destroyed your posterior completely.
You’ve enjoyed the food, of that there is no doubt, and you’ve been very good at not complaining about the smoke from the endless stream of cigarettes. Their ranks have dwindled and many soldiers have fallen in battle, with my lungs now a blasted wasteland.
The coffee was crap, but then what drink wouldn’t be when it’s been standing in a thermos flask for hours?
I hope I’ve made you chuckle.
I truly believe that if you can laugh at past mistakes or current difficulties, it can make the shadows they cast in your life just a bit smaller.
Most of all, I hope the time you’ve spent with me has been a pleasant way to ignore the clock on the wall, with its infernal ticks and tocks.
If I’ve managed to do that, I’m one happy writer.
I hope you had a good time, my friend.
As far as I’m concerned, I’ve had the time of my life.
I’m now going to sleep for about three hundred years - or until the birds wake me up, which ever comes first.
All the best,
Nick.
The End
55124 Words
Titles by Nick Spalding available on Amazon Ki
ndle:
Love… From Both Sides
Sometimes, the hardest part of finding love is keeping a straight face...
For Jamie Newman, being a single guy isn't proving to be much fun, especially when confronted with a sexually belligerent divorcee and a goddess so far out of his league she might as well be a different species.
Mind you, being a girl in search of love isn't a bowl of cherries either. Just ask Laura McIntyre, who's recently contended with a horny estate agent on a quest for light relief and a rabid mountain bike enthusiast with a penchant for displaying his genitals.
When Jamie and Laura bump into one another (quite literally) it looks like their luck may have changed - but sometimes finding the right person is only the start of your problems...
Based on real-life tales of dating disaster and relationship blunders, Love... From Both Sides is a warts-and-all romantic comedy for everyone who knows how tricky (and occasionally ridiculous) the quest for love can be.
Love… And Sleepless Nights
Sometimes, the hardest part of becoming a parent is keeping a straight face…
Just ask Jamie and Laura Newman, who (thanks to a rather relaxed attitude to contraception) find themselves about to have a baby. It’s obviously a terrifying prospect for a newly married couple, but as long as they stick together they’ll be fine, right?
They’d better, because the path between conception and those first few baby steps is littered with many obstacles - such as public sickness, rabid insomnia, violent mood swings, complicated sex, and copious amounts of swearing.
Featuring a cast that includes an overbearing mother-in-law, a terrifying midwife, and at least one chorus of mating humpbacks, Love… And Sleepless Nights is the hilarious sequel all about what happens next.
Falling in love with another person is easy. Making a new one with them is where things get complicated.
Life… With No Breaks
Nick Spalding tried to write a book in 24 hours. Turns out that's impossible... it took 30!
Life... With No Breaks is a unique, hilarious and heartfelt look at the modern world we live in, told by a master story-teller with much to say - and only a weekend to say it in.
You'll laugh out loud reading Nick's odyssey of non-stop writing in a collection of anecdotes, asides and stories - all dredged up from an over-stimulated brain functioning on caffeine, nicotine and the occasional chocolate biscuit.
The book is a conversation with you, and with Nick you'll venture into the thorny topics of love, life, sex, horribly timed bowel movements and a deathly fear of sponges (among many other things).
After you've read Life... With No Breaks, you may never look at the world the same way again!
Life… On A High
Nick Spalding is back... and this time he's airborne!
By popular demand (and because those counselling sessions won't pay for themselves) Nick returns in the sequel to Life... With No Breaks - with a new collection of anecdotes, stories and asides.
This time he's writing at 40,000 feet... and what better way is there to kill forty eight hours on a round trip to Australia than holding another conversation with you?
Sit back - don't worry, we're in Business Class so the seats are comfortable - put your feet up, and laugh out loud as Nick wends his merry way through a plethora of subjects, including age, hobbies, crime, dating the wrong women and pretending to be a banana (among many other things).
After you've read Life... On A High, you may never look at the rest of the world the same way again!
The Cornerstone
A great book will transport you to another world... literally, if you're not careful.
On a gloomy Thursday afternoon, Max Bloom enters his local library in a last ditch attempt to stave off an epic case of teenage boredom. Among the hushed stacks he discovers The Cornerstone, an ancient book tucked away on a dusty, forgotten shelf. Opening the cover, Max is instantly transported to an alternate dimension full of things intent on killing him - thus avoiding boredom with remarkable success.
He meets a beautiful girl called Merelie (brilliant), who tells him he could be a Wordsmith, a sorcerer able to craft magic from the written word itself, one strong enough to save both their worlds from the Dwellers - hideous monsters from beyond the universe (not so brilliant).
This all sounds completely unbelievable. The kind of thing you'd read in a fantasy novel. But The Cornerstone doesn't lie... and the danger is very real.
In a world threatened by monsters, where books are worshipped and powerful magic exists, Max Bloom must make a choice: close The Cornerstone and run home - or trust Merelie, become a Wordsmith, and save two worlds from certain destruction...
Spalding’s Scary Shorts
Feedback: A Vampire Story
Be careful who you write about...
Keating the vampire used to love the horror stories that humans would write about his species. They had endlessly amused him - and allowed him to operate safe in the knowledge nobody believed he existed.
Madeline De Martine had changed all that though.
From terrifying, bloodthirsty creatures of the night... to maudlin, effeminate idiots obsessed with pubescent American girls, De Martine's blockbuster romances had irrevocably ruined the image of the vampire, as far as Keating was concerned.
So tonight he's paying the multi-millionaire writer a visit, to offer some constructive feedback and show her the error of her ways...
I, Zombie
A story of the thinking dead!
"My name is Jim Monroe and I am a zombie.
"My natural life on this planet has ceased and I've been re-animated to stalk the world as a pale, hollow imitation of my former self.
"I'm different from my undead brethren though... I'm a zombie with a brain.
"This is the short, shocking story of how I came to be this way."
Dogs Of War
Giving interactive gameplay a whole new meaning...
Disaster.
Epic.Huge. Unmitigated. Disaster.
Zack Hampton's beloved Gamestation console has just committed electronic suicide - right in the middle of a hectic Dogs Of War Team Deathmatch.
Where the hell is he supposed to find another one the week before Christmas? All the shops have sold out!
Imagine Zack's delight when he stumbles on a quaint Christmas shop, run by the enigmatic Mister Fix... and discovers a unique 'special edition' Gamestation on sale for a bargain price.
Following a very strange conversation with the old shopkeeper, the teenager buys the console and rushes home to rejoin the online mayhem as quickly as possible.
This Gamestation really is very special though - and Zack is about to take part in a game of Dogs Of War he is never going to forget...
Spine Slaughter
When hedgehogs attack!
On a warm summer day the village of Wincing On Thames is attacked by the most unlikely of monsters. Hoards of deadly hedgehogs are on the loose and out for blood. Can ASBO wielding Jason, Scab the punk and their friends survive the onslaught?
Warning: This story contains gore, profanity and gratuitous nudity... there's a children's tea party at the beginning though, so something for everyone, I think.
Buy Nick’s books at:
Amazon UK
Amazon USA
Amazon Germany
Amazon France
Contact the author:
Fancy a chat with Nick?
He can be contacted in the following ways:
Visit his website at Spalding's Racket
Follow him on Twitter at Spalding_Author
E-mail him at nick.spalding@hotmail.co.uk
Add him on Facebook: Nick Spalding
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