Nobody's Fantasy

by Louise Hall

  “There’s nothing for you to explore,” I remind him, “you’ve given me every single drop of ink on my body.”

  “I disagree,” he smiles, lifting up Tony. He traces his fingers over the end of my foot where my toes used to be. I can’t even remember the last person who touched me there. It was probably the surgeon at my last check-up.

  He kisses me five times, one for each of the toes that should be there. He continues moving up my mangled calf, tracing the bumps and dips of my skin first with the tips of his fingers and then with the warmth of his lips. It’s like he’s giving me the same gift I gave him earlier. He’s embracing my gammy leg and Tony instead of being repulsed by them.

  He pulls me up to sitting again so he can see the lotus flower inked on the back of my neck. I shiver as he lifts my hair up and wraps it around his wrist. “It’s healed really well.”

  “Mm, the guy who did it has crazy skills with a needle.”

  He lays me back down on the bed again and I shouldn’t but I really like it when he takes control of me. His hands curve possessively around my hips and his lips brush against mine. His lip ring snags against my flesh and it makes me shiver all over.

  “You really like that, don’t you?”

  I growl because I don’t like the fact that my feelings are so obvious to him. A girl’s got to have some mystery about her.

  “When did you get your lip pierced? Was that in L.A. too?”

  Zev shakes his head, “I actually had it done here in Oahu before I left.”

  “Can you do piercings?”

  “I can do the basics but Emmy’s the specialist here at the Ink.”

  “Why does it not surprise me that Emmy’s the queen of causing people pain?”

  Zev laughs and his abs ripple against my belly. “Why did you ask? Are you thinking about getting something done?”

  I twirl my finger around his silver nipple ring. “I might be,” I say coyly.

  He looks me up and down, “I’m not letting you get your belly button pierced.”

  I raise my eyebrows, “you’re not going to let me, huh? That’s funny because I don’t remember giving you control over my body, Zev.”

  “Is that what you want? To get your belly button pierced?”

  “What’s the big deal?”

  “It’s nothing,” Zev turns his back on me and reaches for his prosthetic.

  “It’s not nothing,” I demand. “Tell me why the thought of me having my belly button pierced upsets you so much?”

  Zev turns around and puts his hand reverently on my tummy over the top of my t-shirt. “I will give you whatever tattoos and piercings you want, wherever you want them but I want to keep this part of you pure, OK?” he says gruffly.

  I still don’t get it. “Why is my tummy any different than the rest of my body?”

  “Because if we have babies together, that’s where they’ll grow.”

  “Babies?” I splutter.

  I’m gobsmacked because we haven’t even seen each other without our clothes on yet and Zev’s already thinking about having babies with me?

  I might be a contender for the title of the world’s oldest virgin but even I’m not naïve enough to think that you have to get completely starkers to make a baby, you just have to take out the relevant bits and pieces.

  I’m the daughter of somebody who didn’t realise until the pregnancy test came back positive that she’d had unprotected sex and the fact that I know this is just one of the many reasons why if one or both of your parents is even slightly famous, you should never ever Google them because like me, you might just find an old tabloid news story which details the circumstances surrounding your conception and yeah, nobody needs that much detail about their parents. I’m just thankful that I’ve been able to bleach the majority of it from my memory so I can actually look at them without cringing but it also means that although I’m sure it was just as uncomfortable for my mum as it was for me, it was incredibly important that she gave me the birds and bees talk.

  I’m also the queen of going off on a tangent.

  “I didn’t know you wanted kids?”

  Zev huffs and I can tell I’ve offended him. “Don’t judge me based on my ink, Jane. I’ve got a big family and they’re everything to me. Of course I’d like to have one of my own someday. I’m not talking about tomorrow or even in the next couple of years but in the future, yeah I want to have kids.”

  “I’m sorry,” I scoot across the mattress towards him. “I wasn’t judging you, I swear. I was just surprised because we’re still getting to know each other. We haven’t talked about this kind of stuff before.”

  He’s still in a grump and I’m still scraping my jaw up off the floor so I figure I’ll give him some space. I grab my denim skirt and tug it up my legs. My boobs still ache like crazy so hell will likely freeze over before I even think about putting my bra back on.

  It’s my day off from the Ink so after I’ve gone home, checked in with Mats and changed into boob-friendly clothes, I think more about what Zev said. My mum was eighteen when she got pregnant with me and although she insists that she doesn’t regret having me for a single second, I know she wouldn’t necessarily recommend being such a young mum. It’s crazy to think that when she was my age, she had a daughter who’d just started primary school.

  I lift my t-shirt up and look at my belly. I’ve lost the six-pack I used to have from playing football all the time but thanks to Mats’ veganism, my stomach is still flat. What would it be like to carry a child, Zev’s child, in there?

  I’ve spent so much time thinking about the past, about what I lost in the accident, that I haven’t really thought too much about my future. I’m nowhere near ready for it now but the idea of Zev and I still being together in a couple of years and having a family definitely makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I could actually build a life here in Oahu that wouldn’t feel like second best compared to the life I was supposed to have before the accident.

  Zev hasn’t texted me at all and I don’t know if he thinks he’s scared me off after talking about our future children or if he’s still grumpy that I was so shocked. Whichever it is, I know I don’t like it.

  I catch an Uber over to his apartment. I don’t want to bother Maggie or his roommate, Danny so I sit on the steps in front of his building and wait for him to come home.

  ZEV

  I don’t know why I’m in such a grump with Jane probably because I’m a cave-dwelling Neanderthal but I really don’t like the idea that she sees what’s happening between us as a short-term fling.

  I stop by her place on my way back from the Ink but there’s no answer when I knock at the front door and the lights are all out so I head home.

  It’s getting dark when I pull up in the parking lot in front of my apartment building.

  “You’ve got a visitor,” Vada chuckles. She’s sat on a rickety lawn chair on the grass in front of the building, knitting what has to be the world’s ugliest scarf.

  I look around but I can’t see anybody else and then I follow Vada’s gaze to the cute little lump on the front steps of the building. Jane’s curled up in a ball with her black cardigan wrapped around her. I’m torn between being angry because although our small town is reasonably safe, she looks so vulnerable curled up asleep on my front steps and relieved that I didn’t scare her off with all my crazy talk about babies this morning.

  “Thanks for watching out for her,” I say to Vada

  “No problem.” She gets up off the lawn chair and goes inside.

  I lift the curled up bundle of Jane up off the steps. She doesn’t even stir as I carry her inside the building and upstairs to mine and Danny’s apartment. Fortunately he isn’t home so I take Jane straight through to my bedroom.

  “Hey,” she says sleepily, waking up as I put her down on the bed.

  “Hey, hot stuff.”

  She gives me a sweet, lopsided smile when I call her that.

  “What were you doing sleeping on my steps?”
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  “I missed you,” she admits.

  “I missed you too,” I brace myself with my hands on the mattress at the sides of her head and brush my lips against hers. Kissing Jane always makes me feel better. “I thought I’d scared you off with my whole Tarzan routine this morning.”

  “Ha,” she chuckles. Her voice is still husky from having just woken up. “I’m a badass remember, it would take way more than that to scare me off. Besides, my dad is one of the biggest Neanderthals you could ever meet. He married my mum when she was only eighteen and even though as their daughter, it kind of makes me want to upchuck, he totally worships the ground she walks on.”

  “It sounds like you miss them a lot.”

  “Every day,” she gulps.

  It’s dark in my bedroom with just a single lamp on my bedside table but when Jane looks up at me, there’s so much honesty shining in her dark eyes. “I don’t think about the future,” she traces her finger along my jawline, softening her harsh words. “At least I didn’t used to because it was just blank space. It reminded me of everything I lost on that street in Miami.”

  “Jane,” I sigh. I wish that I could give her back her toes and the muscle in her right calf, her dream of playing football again.

  “I don’t want to think like that anymore,” she hugs me fiercely. “I want to see where this goes with us, Zev.”

  I hug her back, “I don’t want to be just a fling for you, Jane.”

  “You’re not, I promise,” she insists.

  “I was never intending to get my belly button pierced, you know?” Jane says.

  I remove my prosthetic and climb into bed with her, “OK?”

  “I was messing about on YouTube and I saw something… Could you pass me my phone?” She shows me the clip and I wince as I watch a young woman get her hips pierced.

  “Do you think you could do that?” she asks excitedly.

  “That’s really what you want?” It’s my turn to gulp now. I think I’ve created a monster.

  “Yes.”

  I can’t believe I’m even considering this but like Jane said this morning, it’s her body not mine. As she scrolls through photos on Pinterest, I’ve got to admit that dermals would look crazy sexy on Jane’s soft skin.

  “I was originally thinking about having these done,” she points down at her boobs. She isn’t wearing a bra. “But they’re still complaining about the tattoo so I think the girls might need some extra time to recover before I broach the subject of stabbing them with a needle again.”

  “I know Emmy’s done dermals before…” Jane’s wide eyes immediately make me bust out laughing. As if I’d let my cousin brandish a sharp implement anywhere near my girl.

  “Don’t even joke about that,” she waggles her finger at me. I playfully bite the tip.

  “Ouch,” she yelps.

  “Hot stuff, you’re going to need to toughen up if you’re thinking of getting your hips pierced.”

  She scowls at me, “I’m plenty tough enough, I’m a badass, remember? Anyway, you didn’t answer my question. Do you think you could do it?”

  “I’ve never done dermals before but I think I could. I’m not going to take any chances with you though so I’ll talk to Emmy first and if necessary, I’ll ask her to supervise.”

  LOLA

  Unfortunately Vada doesn’t sell ‘Happy Dermals Day’ cakes at the coffee shop so I have to settle for banana muffins instead. I’m a crazy mix of nerves and excitement. I think I’d feel more relaxed if it was just going to be me and Zev but unfortunately he’s insisting that Emmy’s there to supervise because he doesn’t want to scar me for life. I bust out laughing when he told me that because I trust him implicitly but even if something did go wrong, what’s one more scar to add to the ugly maelstrom on my right calf?

  The Ink is busy which is awesome as the clock ticks down to dermals-time. Even though I haven’t had any coffee this morning (something which pains me greatly), I’m still hella jumpy.

  During my break, I walk around to the back of the Ink and lean against the brick wall next to the dumpsters. It stinks but at least it’s private here. I’ve read enough about the procedure to know that it will make it more difficult for Zev and really painful for me if I don’t chill the heck out. My skin has got this weird sheen on it which is going to make it really obvious to Emmy that I’m the big, old wuss that she always suspected.

  My phone, which is stashed in the back pocket of my white shorts, makes me jump

  “Hello?”

  “Is everything OK, Lola? You sound weird.”

  Everything’s peachy, I’m just about five minutes away from becoming a human hole punch. I don’t tell my aunt Ruby any of that though because if I did, within five seconds of ending the call, I’d have like a gazillion texts and e-mails from freaked out family members. I much prefer the thought that when I see them next, I’ll present them with my tattoos and piercings as a done deal.

  “It must be the line,” I lie like a champ. “I’m really good. How’s everything with you and DJ?”

  “Ugh, don’t ask,” Ruby sighs. I love my aunt but she’s kind of a drama queen. “Dad was discharged from the hospital yesterday and he’s already so demanding that I have to keep reminding myself that it would be bad to push your father’s wheelchair into Calder Harbour.”

  It’s still weird hearing her talking about my biological grandfather. He ditched my Granny Reen while she was pregnant with my mum and neither my mum nor her siblings saw him again for twentysomething years. I’ve only met him a couple of times in my life and they weren’t exactly the most pleasant of experiences - I’d put them on a pair with getting a root canal without any anaesthetic. My mum, Remy, Ben and Liv refer to him as the ‘Sperm Donor’ but that’s a little too graphic for me so I’ll stick with biological grandfather.

  At least Ruby’s struggles with the BG are enough to distract me from my upcoming appointment with a really thick needle.

  When I get back, Shanks is covering the front desk and Zev and Emmy are waiting for me by the door to Zev’s room. “You can still back out, you know?” Emmy smirks as I walk across to them and try to hide that my knees are knocking together.

  “That’s not going to happen,” I insist.

  I walk past them into Zev’s room and lie back on the chair. While Emmy and Zev are preparing the equipment, I undo the first couple of buttons on my shorts and wiggle them down my hips until I can see the waistband of my hot-pink underwear. I’m not usually a hot-pink kind of a girl but I figure that you’ve got to wear super cute undies if you’re going to get dermals.

  Zev smirks when he sees my choice of undies but then he puts his game-face on and concentrates on sterilising my skin using surgical scrub. He marks where he’s going to pierce with a pen and checks with Emmy that it’s in the right place.

  When she nods, Zev stretches out the skin on my hip and even though he’s wearing latex gloves, I can still feel that it’s him touching me. I look up at my favourite water stain on the ceiling and give it a wink. I’ve got this.

  ZEV

  I’ve done piercings before so I can do it but I’m not a huge fan. It doesn’t feel right to be using a dermal punch to remove skin and tissue from my girl’s hip. When I’m giving her a tattoo, painting my art onto her soft skin, it’s intimate and beautiful but this just feels cold and clinical. It’s what Jane wants though and there isn’t a chance in hell that I’m going to let anybody else put their hands on her skin.

  I look over at Emmy and I can tell that she’s kind of disappointed that Jane hasn’t shed a tear yet. I think she’s got it in for Jane because she’s not from Oahu. My cousin never talks about it but a couple of years ago she dated a British exchange student. She developed real feelings for him and she was devastated when he broke it off just before he returned to London at the end of the semester. It was only ever a holiday fling for him and I think she’s worried the same thing might happen with Jane and me. Jane is building a life for herself in Oahu but h
er roots here are never going to be as deep as mine or Emmy’s.

  I use forceps to place the plate and anchor into the tiny pouch I’ve created with the punch on Jane’s hip and then screw the jewellery into the plate. Emmy checks what I’ve done to make sure the piercing is at the right depth. If it’s too deep, the skin layers could pull together resulting in embedding but if it’s too shallow, the piercing could migrate or get rejected by her body as a foreign object. When she’s satisfied, I move on to the next one.

  Jane’s opted for four dermals, two on each hip but after the third I can tell she’s close to the limit of how much pain and discomfort her body can take. She keeps holding her breath so I can see the outline of her ribs. I also know how stubborn she is. She’ll be determined to get this fourth and final dermal over and done with so I ask Emmy to leave the room for a minute to give us a little bit of privacy. I lean over the chair, careful not to touch Jane with my sterile gloves and I brush my lips against hers. The snag of my lip ring against her bottom lip relaxes her just like I’d hoped and when she opens her eyes again, she’s smiling.

  “You’re not going to leave me wonky, are you?”

  “I’m going to give you the last one but only when you’re ready, hot stuff.”

  “Thanks,” she takes a deep breath out. “When this is over, I’m going to write a really snotty e-mail to all those people who lied and said that they barely felt a thing when they had theirs done.”

  She quickly looks around the room which is empty apart from her and me. “Please don’t tell Emmy I just said that.”

  “I won’t, I swear. Are you ready to go again?”

  “Nope but I’m a badass, remember?”

  I chuckle as I let Emmy know she can come back in. “How are you feeling?” Emmy asks Jane.

  “I’m fine,” Jane winks at me, “it’s nowhere near as bad as I was expecting.”

  After I’ve finished, the skin around her dermals is dark-pink. I’m so proud of her that I want nothing more than to just haul her on to my lap and kiss the absolute heck out of her but I have to be Zev the Professional for at least a couple more minutes and go through the aftercare instructions with her.