Nobody's Fantasy

by Louise Hall

“It’s cute,” Mum sits down on the bed and lifts my foot up on to her lap. She rubs the arnica on to the top of my foot where Sierra’s hefty bag landed.

  “I hate it when you and Sierra fight,” she says sadly.

  After dinner, I’m on washing up duty with Sierra. “I like Zev,” she announces.

  I nearly drop the plate I’m supposed to be drying. “Are you serious?”

  “Don’t look at me like that,” Sierra hands me a wet, soapy bowl. “When you’re with him, you’re like the old Lola again. Even the way you’re scowling at me right now. Do you realise that you didn’t do that once between when you got out of the hospital and when you left with Mats to go to Hawaii?”

  “You want me to scowl at you?”

  Sierra laughed, “yeah, I like winding you up. It’s kind of my job as your baby sister.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I shake my head. Even if I could get past the fact that he’d driven drunk, there was still the issue of why he’d decided to pursue me when he could have been with any one of the billion girls out there all with the requisite number of toes. “I’m nobody’s charity case.”

  “That’s so not how he looked at you.”

  “Ugh,” I flick her with the tea towel, “you’ve been reading too many of Mum’s romance novels again.”

  “Ha, it’s the only romance I get, with you and Mats being in Hawaii, Mum and Dad are being extra clingy.”

  “Don’t even,” I roll my eyes, “we both know you love all the attention.”

  “They miss you,” Sierra says quietly. “Even though we fight all the time, I miss you.”

  “I miss you too, you big dork,” I bump her shoulder. “I’m sorry I said you should have been drowned at birth.”

  Sierra laughs. “I’m sorry I dropped my bag on Tony.”

  LOLA

  In stories like mine, there’s always one pivotal moment that cuts through the before and after. But since I’ve always kind of marched to the beat of my drum, I’ve had two. I’m sure having two epiphanies sounds kind of greedy until I tell you what they were.

  The first one you already know about, involving a jilted husband (not mine), too much vodka (not me), a cowardly ex-boyfriend (ugh, that one was mine), a dose of MRSA and then Tony. I’d like to say the second one was just as dramatic but unfortunately it wasn’t.

  I went with Dad to his under-10s coaching session hoping to get his perspective on the whole Zev sitch but the sight of the (artificial) green pitch, the nets and all those lovely black and white balls made me forget that I’m challenged in the toe and calf department and like an idiot I decided to have a good old-fashioned kick about, which still would have been fine if I hadn’t fallen over and cut my gammy calf hence Lola Goes to Hospital Part 2, a very grim looking surgeon telling my family that unfortunately he can’t save my leg and me waking up in yet another hospital bed minus a good chunk of kind of useful flesh and bone. You can say one thing; I like to keep you all on the edge of your seats, don’t I? I definitely like to scare the bejesus out of my family.

  “Where’s Zev?” I ask but my throat is so dry, I’m not sure my family can understand what I’m saying.

  Mum’s sat in the chair at the side of my bed and she immediately pours me a sippy cup of water.

  They’ve just told me that because of the septicaemia, my gammy leg has had to be amputated below the knee.

  My eyes dart around the hospital room. My parents, brother and sister all look really freaked out, which I guess is understandable given the circumstances but I hate the fact that they’re not saying anything.

  “Please can you call him?” I ask Mateo, who’s stood by the window. “His number’s in my phone.” I realise that I don’t know if they brought my phone to the hospital. “You could try calling the Ink? I don’t know what time it is in Oahu right now. If they’re closed, you might have to leave a message… Wait, Vada will have his number. You must have Vada’s number because she’s your girlfriend.”

  Mats looks over at my parents and Sierra, “can you give us a minute?”

  “If this is about that stupid argument we had before I left Oahu, it doesn’t matter anymore. We can figure it out later, I just…” My voice cracks and I take another sip of water. “I really need to see him. Please.”

  I might still be hopped up on pain meds but I remember that Zev lost his leg because he was driving drunk but he’s the only person I know who could possibly understand how I’m feeling right now, lying here in this hospital bed with half my leg permanently gone.

  Mum looks at Dad but he shakes his head, “she’s awake now, angel. Why don’t the three of us go for some godawful hospital coffee and give Lola and Mats some brother-sister time?”

  When they close the door behind them, I assume that Mats is going to pull out his phone and call Vada to ask for Zev’s number. He probably didn’t want to do it in front of my parents because they would disapprove.

  Instead he sits down in the chair Mum has just vacated. “Lola,” he sighs.

  I try to sit up but despite the best efforts of the meds, pain shoots through what’s left of my leg. “Why aren’t you calling Vada?”

  “I need to tell you something.”

  “Can’t it wait until after you’ve called Zev? I need him, Mats.”

  “Shut up, OK,” Mats yells. I fall back against the pillow in shock because I’ve never seen my brother look so angry before. I don’t understand. If anybody should be angry right now, it’s me – I’ve just had half my leg cut off and he’s refusing to call the one person I really need.

  “The same morning you flew back to Seattle, I saw him kissing another girl outside the Ink.”

  “No,” I shake my head vigorously. “Zev wouldn’t cheat on me. He loves me. You’re just angry that he was a drunk driver.”

  Mats gets up and walks across to the sofa by the window. He retrieves something from the inside pocket of his jacket.

  “I’m so sorry, Lola,” he says as he hands me a page torn out of a trashy magazine.

  My stomach hurts as if it knows that something really bad is about to happen. You’d think I wouldn’t even notice it what with all the pain in my leg right now.

  I carefully unfold the page and I know my eyes see the photo but my brain, probably not helped by all the meds I’m currently on, struggles to make sense of it. It’s exactly like Mats just said; Zev is kissing a skinny blonde outside the Ink. Why couldn’t my stupidly honest brother be lying for one time in his whole freaking life?

  I fold the page back over and silently hand it back to Mats. That image is going to be burned into my retinas forever and a day, I don’t need to keep it.

  I twist my hips so that at least my upper body is facing away from Mats. It’s not his fault but I don’t want to even look at him right now. I’ve still got some pride left so I won’t let anybody hear me cry over Zev but I can’t do anything about the tears which fall silently down my cheeks and stain the pillowcase beneath my head. I want to close my eyes and fall asleep but every time I try, all I can see is Zev kissing that other girl. Why am I always such a fool? I know we had an awful argument before I took a time-out to go be with my family in Seattle but that doesn’t give him an excuse to make out with somebody else.

  When Mum, Dad and Sierra come back, I’m still facing the window although my tears have mostly dried off. I know it sounds dramatic but it’s all I can do to just breathe right now because everything hurts. I’ve got so many questions that my head has joined my heart and leg in aching like crazy. I love my family but unless they’re offering to up my pain meds to black-out levels, I don’t want to see anybody right now.

  The door to my room opens and closes again and I think they’ve all gone but when I turn over, my mum is sat in the chair by my bed again. “You should go home,” I croak, my voice betraying the fact that I’ve just been crying. “I’m in a really rubbish mood.”

  Mum busts out laughing and then quickly covers her mouth. I raise an eyebrow. This is like the least
funny situation I can think of. “I think after everything that’s happened to you today, you’re more than allowed to be in a really rubbish mood.” She reaches for a damp cloth and gently wipes the remaining tears from my cheeks. “I’m your mum, Lola. If you want to yell and scream or you just want to ignore me, that’s OK. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Ugh, I really want to wallow in self-pity but my mum is the greatest.

  “I know it’s going to sound really pathetic but…” I gulp because I’m not allowing any more tears to fall today. “I want Zev.”

  “I know,” Mum looks as if she wants to cry too. “Do you want me to call him?”

  “He kissed another girl, Mum.”

  Mum defies the doctor’s orders and curls up in bed with me on the side of my remaining whole leg.

  “I’m going to have to learn to walk again,” I choke.

  Mum hugs me, “You’ll do it the same way you did it the first time, with fierce determination. I remember when you took your first steps… It was just the two of us and we were watching Manchester Rovers on the TV. You pulled yourself up to standing using the edge of the coffee table. Your dad was warming up at the side of the pitch, waiting to come on as a substitute. You looked at me and then back at your dad on the TV screen and then you just set off. I know your heart and your leg are hurting like crazy right now but you’re going to get through this. You are one of the bravest people I know, Lola. You have inspired me every single day since the moment I found out that I was pregnant with you.”

  LOLA

  After a week in the hospital, I’m beyond relieved when the doctors say that I can finally go home. Mum and Sierra stocked up my Kindle with lots of books which would have been awesome except for the fact that they’re both romance junkies and I’m not just getting used to not having a lower right leg anymore, I’m also still coming to terms with the fact that not only did my ex-boyfriend kiss another girl but he also hasn’t even bothered to try and contact me since I left Oahu. The very last thing I want to do right now is read about idiots who’ve got all of their limbs still intact falling in love.

  I don’t want a huge fuss when I leave the hospital so I ask Mum if she’ll come by herself to pick me up.

  When she arrives, she’s mostly kept her promise because Dad and Sierra have stayed at home but Mats is with her. I know it’s not his fault that Zev cheated on me but he was the proverbial messenger so I’m still annoyed with him. We haven’t really talked much while I’ve been in the hospital. It isn’t like the first accident when I could direct all my anger towards the drink-driver who caused the accident because the only person at fault this time was me. I can’t be angry at Zev either because that would involve me thinking about him and it hurts way too much so unfortunately my baby brother has become my number one target. It’s not fair but neither is losing my leg.

  “Hey,” Mats says awkwardly while Mum signs my discharge papers.

  “Why are you still here in Seattle?” I cringe at my own bluntness. “I’m sorry. I mean, why aren’t you back at college yet?”

  “You’re my sister, Lo and you’re hurt.” He looks down at my bandaged stump.

  “I know but you’re not a doctor or even a shrink. You can’t do anything to help me right now.” Yikes, I hate it that my poor brother brings out the very worst in me. “I love that big heart of yours, Mats but I don’t want you to flunk any of your classes because of me, OK? I’ll never forgive myself.”

  Mum comes back, “are you all set, Lo?”

  I smile, “I’m more than ready to get the heck out of here. Let’s go.”

  On the car ride home, I try and bridge the gap between me and Mats. “I meant what I said before. The best thing you can do for me right now is go back to Oahu. Until I’m walking again or at least better at hobbling about on my crutches, I’m going to need help even going to the bathroom. I don’t want to feel even more like a burden.”

  “Are you sure?” Mats asks.

  “I’m positive,” I insist.

  As we get nearer home, my stomach ties itself up in knots again. “Please tell me that they aren’t throwing me a surprise ‘Welcome Home’ party.”

  Mats laughs, “I think aunt Liv suggested it but Mum vetoed the idea. I think she’s the only person in the world who hates surprises more than you do.”

  They might not have thrown me a surprise ‘Welcome Home’ party but we still had a big family dinner with my aunts, uncles and cousins and after being stuck in a quiet hospital room for over a week, being around my crazy family was beyond exhausting and so after Mum had helped me upstairs to my old bedroom and changed the dressing on my stump, I fell asleep really quickly.

  I don’t realise until I wake up the next morning that Sierra must still be so freaked out about the accident that she’s climbed into bed with me. I appreciate the very rare sentiment from my sister but isn’t it traumatic enough losing half my leg without waking up in the morning to my baby sister with her face squashed into my armpit? I almost laugh because I haven’t tried to shower on my own yet so she’s definitely going to need one of those baby wipes they give tourists who visit Rotorua to get rid of the stench of sulphur under their noses when she comes out of her snore fest but then she’s also lying on my good leg so I can’t escape. The very definition of hell is lying in bed while my sister is snoring like a warthog beside me.

  Mum must hear her - I’m actually surprised the whole neighbourhood doesn’t hear her - although it might just have been a coincidence and Mum was coming to check on me anyway because she and Dad have this weird soundproofing in their boudoir which I very much wish I didn’t know about because a thousand times ew! Anyway, Mum manages to haul the great snoring one off of me so I can try to escape/give my poor eardrums a much needed rest. She also helps change my dressing again and I’m glad she’s had three children and has probably changed her fair share of dirty nappies because that thing is beyond nasty.

  “So,” I announce at the breakfast table when everybody’s there, “Mats has decided to go back to Oahu.”

  “I think that’s a good idea,” Mum says, ruffling his hair. “Lola’s out of the hospital now. I don’t want you to fall behind on your studies.”

  “I’ll buy your ticket since the fares are going to be extortionate last-minute,” Dad says.

  “Sheesh,” Mats grumbles into his cereal, “I know when I’m not wanted.”

  “I want you here, Mats,” Sierra laughs, “I can get away with so much more when there’s three of you for Mum and Dad to worry about.”

  Mats sticks his tongue out at her, “I love you too, Sierra.”

  Later that afternoon, I’m lying on my bed, trying to do the awkward stretching exercises they gave me at the hospital when Mats knocks on my door.

  “Hey, what’s up?” my voice is muffled by the duvet because I’m lying face-down. Apparently, it’s really good for my hip.

  I roll over like a fluffy baby seal so I can see him. “I’ve booked my flight,” he says. “I leave tomorrow afternoon. Are you sure you’re really OK with this?”

  “Of course I’m OK with it,” I insist. “I don’t need another babysitter, Mats. You need to be back at college in Oahu.”

  “What about if I see…” Mats shifts awkwardly. “Do you want me to say anything to him?”

  “Do I want you to sock him in the jaw for smashing my heart to smithereens? There’s a big part of me that says abso-freaking-lutely.” I rub my chest where the ache is ever-present. “But my head says no, he doesn’t deserve to have that power over me. I don’t want anybody in Oahu to know that I’ve lost my leg, especially not Zev.” I give myself a mental high-five for being able to say his name without vomiting. “If I ever go back there, I’ll do it when I’m ready and on my own terms, OK. I don’t want anybody’s pity.”

  “I promise I won’t say anything.”

  LOLA

  “Have you thought any more about counselling?” Mum asks as we drive home from my physical therapy session.

&
nbsp; “I’ve thought about it.” I don’t want to offend her because Mum is a great advocate for counselling, she’s got a degree in Psychology and she says that it really helped when she was struggling with prenatal depression while pregnant with Sierra but the truth is that I’m doing OK. I’m not exactly skipping through a field of daisies (hopping maybe?) but I’m managing. It might be different if I’d gone from having all of my limbs intact to losing my lower leg but I feel like I got most of the angst out of the way after the first accident when I really struggled to cope with losing my toes and my calf muscle. “But I think I’m OK at the moment. I’ll let you know if that changes.”

  Mum pats my thigh. She does that a lot these days as if to show that she isn’t intimidated by my missing lower leg. “You know what’s best, sweetheart.”

  Mum has been a total badass ever since the accident part deux. When I woke up in the hospital after surgery and Mats said that she’d refused to leave my bedside even for a minute while I was out, I’d worried that she was going to be even more protective of me now and basically superglue herself to my side but although she still supports me one hundred percent, every day she’s encouraging me to be more independent.

  I think Dad has actually taken this second accident way worse than Mum – he feels guilty that he encouraged me to tag along to his coaching session and then didn’t tried to stop me pretending to be the new Marta again. It wasn’t his fault though and I’ve tried telling him that a thousand times but he’s incredibly stubborn.

  When we get home, I’m surprised by a visit from Luke and his wife, Hannah. Luke and I have been friends since my family moved to Seattle when I was seven. His dad, Eric still lives next door to my parents and as if my life isn’t already enough of a soap opera, he’s married to Nate, who used to be my family’s nanny.

  “I didn’t know you guys were in town,” I grin. Luke and Hannah both went to college in Michigan and they’ve settled there. “I also didn’t know that you were expecting.” I say, checking out Hannah’s cute little bump. “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you both.”