Dirt

by Cassia Leo

  I didn’t want to hide from the truth. I never wanted to forget what I saw in that bathroom. I didn’t want to forget that kind of evil existed.

  It was my job to protect my family, and I had failed. So now it was my job to protect Laurel, and anyone else who might fall victim to my son’s murderer.

  I knew Laurel wasn’t strong enough to fight this kind of evil, which was why I had to be strong enough for both of us. I had to keep the investigation fresh in the mind of the detectives who were working the case. I had to help them in any way I could.

  I wished I could get Laurel to understand my point of view on this, rather than constantly dismissing it as an unhealthy obsession.

  I paused to take a breath as I made a split-second decision I would probably regret. “Fine. You don’t want to talk about this right now. That’s cool. I just called to tell you that I won’t be able to attend the next session on Friday. I have to go to Tokyo and I don’t know if the trip’s going to take a few days or a few weeks.”

  She let out a congested laugh. “Great. Already backing out?”

  I shook my head at her predictable response. She was the one who complained — in that god-awful letter she wrote me — about how Kent and the other partners thought I was neglecting my work. Here I was, taking work seriously again, and she automatically assumed the worst.

  “That’s not what this is,” I replied. “I have a job to do and I need to prepare for the possibility that I won’t be here for this week’s session. Would you rather I be honest with you or just not show up?”

  “I don’t care what you do, Jack.” Then she hung up.

  I shook my head as I slid the phone into the pocket of my slacks. I probably should have at least apologized for not being able to make it to the counseling session, but she hadn’t exactly given me an opportunity to do that. I’d let her cool off and she’d come to her senses and call me back later.

  Or… I could call in reinforcements. Someone who could mediate this separation with diplomacy, maybe even a little humor. Not a professional mediator. It had to be someone who knew Laurel and me better than a random counselor or lawyer.

  I knew just who to call.

  15

  Laurel

  I sat down on the unmade bed and drew in long, quivering breaths to calm myself after the call with Jack. But I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

  I had felt on top of the world, exhausted but excited to get started on the garden today after another grueling day at work. Now I wanted to curl up under the covers and hide myself away.

  If I slept, I wouldn’t have to remember. Sleep was the best anesthetic.

  Of course, with sleep there was always the chance that my dreams would turn on me. I hated the dreams where I relived that night. But the dreams I hated the most were the ones where Junior wasn’t dead, just lost. Somewhere just beyond my reach.

  I used to have lunch about once a month with one of Jack’s colleagues’ wife, Holly. At our last lunch, Holly said to me, “I don’t get why you’re torturing yourself over this. He was only three months old. Just have another baby.”

  She had spoken the words I worried everyone was secretly thinking. They were words only a person who never lost a baby could think. It was a luxury to be able to think that way. It meant you didn’t know the gnawing ache of losing something so perfect. Someone so untouched by the sorrows of the world; a living, breathing vessel for all your hope.

  It didn’t matter if Junior was three months or thirty years old. I would always feel as if my hope died that night.

  Maybe I deserved it. Imagine the hubris of believing your life was perfect. Maybe I never deserved all that beauty and joy.

  I decided to take a long, hot shower to help myself relax. Then, I finished making the bed and lay back to wait for the burst of energy I needed to get started in the garden.

  It was twenty minutes to three p.m. when my phone vibrated. I stared at the name on the screen for a moment in confusion. It was the first time Jack’s sister Jessica had called me in months.

  My gorgeous sister-in-law was three years younger than Jack and me, and enjoyed her very busy and very single, child-free life. She’d visited us for two days when Jack Jr. was a couple of weeks old. As she doted on her nephew, she was very adamant that she would probably never have one of her own. She couldn’t handle the commitment, which I always found funny since Jack was the exact opposite of her, and his father and mother had been married almost forty years.

  “Hello?” I answered tentatively.

  “Laurel! Hey, how are you doing, babe?”

  Why is it that when we feel like complete shit, and we’re barely holding on by the thinnest of threads, the moment someone asks how we’re doing, that’s when we fall apart?

  I sniffed loudly. “Not well,” I replied. “Jack and I are separated.”

  I wouldn’t normally share something this personal with Jessica, but I assumed this was the reason she was calling. No use trying to hide it, especially when I couldn’t stop crying.

  I allowed myself to sob. Not just a regular sob. I really let loose with a sniveling, hiccuping snot-cry.

  “Oh, honey. You sound awful. I wish I could give you a big hug. Maybe even hump your leg a little. You sound like you could use that.”

  I chuckled through my tears. “Thank you. I thought you were calling to get mad at me for leaving.”

  “Well…” She took a long pause. “You know me. I don’t understand how anyone can promise to be with the same person for the rest of their life, but people do it, and I may change my mind about that someday. Stranger things have happened.”

  I made my way to the desk to grab some tissues. “Marriage is hard work. It’s not for everyone.”

  “Exactly!” she replied. “That’s what I told Jack when I was talking to him a few minutes ago.”

  “You said that to Jack? What did he say? Did he think you were talking about me?”

  “Oh, hey, no need to go nuclear,” she replied defensively.

  Jack and I hated when she said that. No need to go nuclear was Jessica’s way of saying “calm down” without actually saying the words. Telling someone to calm down in the middle of an argument was like throwing gasoline on a fire, common knowledge that Jessica apparently never learned.

  “Just answer the question, Jess. Were you talking about me? Did you tell Jack that marriage isn’t for me?”

  “Those weren’t my exact words. But I basically just meant that marriage isn’t for me… and some other people, but I didn’t mean you. I know you love Jack, though I have no idea why you would leave him, but I’m sure you have your reasons. Which is why I called, to ask you why? Like, is it something I can help with? Do I need to go there and referee a wrestling match or something? What do I have to do to get you two back together? Because I don’t think I can handle Jack being single.”

  I sighed as I recalled the time Jack’s best friend Nate accidentally let it slip that Jack was a self-destructive man-whore before he met me. I knew when I met Jack that he was the broody and devastatingly gorgeous genius in my mobile and cloud software development class. I had heard rumors that he was working on a social networking app that would change the way people texted each other, and that every girl in our class wanted him for herself. But this new comment from Jessica implied that she expected Jack to possibly fall into his old ways if we broke up.

  “I understand where you’re coming from, Jess. I really do,” I began. “Jack and I not being together, in some weird way, probably disturbs your worldview and makes you question your life choices. But take a moment and please try to see this from our point of view.” I took a deep breath to muster the courage for the words I needed to say. “Jack and I both found my mother and our baby boy dead. I won’t even go into the gory details of the images that are forever burned into my memory, but please know that nothing you imagine can possibly be worse than what it felt like to live it, what it feels like to see it every time I close my eyes.”

>   “Laurel, please don’t think I was implying that I have even the faintest idea what you’ve been through. You’re right that I can’t possibly imagine that level of pain and horror. But you said it yourself that it was you and Jack who faced that. Don’t you think you should face the aftermath together?”

  “We have. And we’ve both tried very hard, in our own ways, to make this work. But we’ve reached a point where we’re dealing with a total breakdown of communication. We only communicate in the bedroom these days.”

  “I really did not need that visual.”

  “Jessica, I’m serious. We need help, and Jack is refusing to acknowledge that. I had to force him to try counseling, and he’s acting like he’s too cool for the exercises the counselor recommends.”

  “Wait a minute, this is what I was calling about,” she said as if a lightbulb had turned on inside her head. “Jack just told me that they’re expanding into the Japanese market, and he initially sent Kent to try to broker the deal, but he really feels he needs to go. It’s a huge deal, he told me. Possibly in the billions. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go to the counseling thing, he’s just trying to do what you told him to do, to find some balance.”

  The way she said “the counseling thing” annoyed me, like it was a silly board game I wanted Jack to play with me. But I had to admit that she was right. I did mention Kent in the goodbye letter I’d written to Jack. Trying to focus more on work was one of the things I’d been wanting him to do.

  I let out a long sigh. “Thank you for calling, Jess. You should call more often. I’ve… I’ve missed hearing about your crazy Tinder adventures.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, right. I believe you once called being single a nightmare.”

  “Well, judging by the week I’ve had, I stand by that.”

  “Hey, babe, I know you’ve got shit to work out. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but you can always call me. And you can always go home, too. You know, just sayin’.”

  I chuckled. “Bye, Jess.”

  “Bye, sis.”

  I hung up feeling better than I’d felt in weeks. Despite our differences, and our argument, talking to Jess felt like… Well, a little like talking to my mom. I would have to try to call her more often.

  And I would call Jack later and apologize for hanging up on him. If he had work to do on the other side of the planet, I had to respect that and cancel the next appointment. For now, I had to trust that he would keep his word and continue the sessions after his trip to Japan.

  For now, I had to get off my ass and start working on the garden, or I would probably spend the rest of the day moping. But the moment I stepped outside, onto the back porch, I was stopped in my tracks by the sight of the gardening supplies I’d delivered to Isaac yesterday. Was he returning the surplus to me instead of taking them to the store? Or was this some sort of gift?

  I had to go ask him myself.

  My heart thumped ferociously as I walked up the brick pathway to Isaac’s house. I didn’t know why I suddenly felt so nervous. My stomach was a tight ball of apprehension as I climbed the porch steps, noting how the door was still an unfinished slab of wood.

  I wondered what Isaac did for a living. What kind of job would allow a man enough time and money to spend all day working on his house. Maybe he was some kind of day trader or investor, like Nate.

  I knocked on the door before I noticed the doorbell, but I decided to wait to see if he heard the knock before I pressed the button. I didn’t want to sound overly eager.

  After a few minutes, I decided it would be okay to ring the bell. But after a few more minutes, it became clear to me that he wasn’t home. Then, I heard the distinct squeal of a circular saw turning on and slicing through wood.

  The sound seemed to be coming from behind the house. I walked along the front porch and turned the corner where it wrapped around the left side of the house. A set of steps led down to the driveway, which I followed toward the backyard.

  Though he had his back to me, I could see Isaac was wearing headphones and safety goggles as he measured a sheet of plywood. The backyard around him was sectioned off into various plots with box gardens and the mesh fencing we delivered yesterday. It appeared he had a few vegetable gardens and some fruit trees in the back corner. The other corner was occupied by the one-car garage he was expanding into a two-car.

  The shrill scream of the circular saw refocused my attention on Isaac. As I approached, I had a sudden crazy fear that I was going to catch him by surprise and he was going to cut off one of his fingers. Especially with those headphones on, he wouldn’t be able to hear me basically sneaking up on him.

  As I began to leave, I heard a gruff shout.

  “Hey!” Isaac called out.

  I turned toward him and he was grinning as if someone had just told him he’d won the lottery.

  I waved at him as I approached. “Hey!”

  “Did you just drop by to admire my backside?” he replied, as if that was something that happened to him all the time.

  I rolled my eyes. “I was trying not to startle you and make you saw your finger off.”

  He nodded as he set his headphones down on the sheet of plywood he’d been cutting and pulled off his work gloves, then he pushed his goggles up so they rested on the top of his head. “No need to worry about my fingers. It’s not pretty ladies that startle me.”

  I fixed him with a very serious expression. “I told you I’m married.”

  He nodded again as he set his gloves down on the worktable he’d set up in the backyard. “I do remember you mentioning that.”

  I sighed as I wondered if I was being unnecessarily antagonistic. “I saw the stuff you left on my back porch. Do you need me to take that stuff back to the store, or something?”

  “Something,” he replied, the corner of his mouth lifting in a cocky half smile. “Relax. It’s just a gift to get you started. Just my way of trying to pay it forward. Your mom helped me out a lot when I was a newbie to the neighborhood.”

  I smiled at this new information. “That sounds like my mom, always sharing her wealth of knowledge with anyone who’ll listen.”

  He chuckled. “She was a feisty one, that’s for sure. But she had a soft side. I still remember the one phrase she repeated quite often: You can’t create life without patience. I was an impatient son of a bitch when I first started planting.”

  I swallowed the emerging lump in my throat as I realized I’d almost forgotten one of my mother’s favorite catchphrases. “I should get going. I’ll… let you know if I need any help. Thanks for the supplies.”

  “Not a problem. And, by the way, I’m not sure if anyone’s told you this, but you might want to keep that fancy car of yours in the garage. My truck’s been broken into a couple of times this year. More than likely just some meth-heads looking for something to pawn. Nothing to be alarmed about, but thought you oughta know.”

  My shoulders tensed as I recalled Edna issuing the same warning, which reminded me of the warning I’d given my mother that night.

  “Thanks for the info. Problem is my garage is full of boxes. I’d have to put the stuff in storage to fit my car in there.”

  He smiled. “I can help you do that. I’ll just throw it in the truck and haul it wherever you want.”

  I stared at him for a while, trying to figure out if this guy was for real. “Why are you so nice?”

  He considered my question, then he looked me in the eye, a very solemn expression on his tanned, rugged features. “At times, I’ve been lucky in my life. I’d probably be just another homeless vet, or dead, if it weren’t for a few lucky breaks. Sometimes, all someone needs is for one good person to say yes instead of no.”

  I bit my lip to keep from getting emotional as his words reminded me of Jack: Just promise me you’ll say yes.

  I sighed. “Well, thank you… for your kindness.”

  I left on that note, and once I closed the front door of my mother’s house behind me, I leaned
against it and smiled. I felt less alone today. And less afraid.

  I replayed Isaac’s words — my mom’s words — in my mind: You can’t create life without patience.

  I had to create some semblance of a life without Jack while we were apart. I didn’t want to learn to be without him. I didn’t want to learn to stop missing him. I just wanted to feel normal when we were apart, like my world wasn’t coming apart at the seams.

  Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I called Jack and was very relieved when he picked up on the first ring.

  “Jack, I’m sorry for hanging up on you,” I blurted out before he had the opportunity to mention it bitterly.

  “I’m on my way to the airport,” he replied.

  He sounded tired and I wished I could have been there to help him pack and drive him to the airport so he wouldn’t have to do it all alone.

  “Can you call me when you land in Japan?” I asked, trying hard to convey a hopeful note in my voice.

  “Pixie, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. And I’ll go to the next counseling session if I’m back in time. I promise.”

  “I know. I shouldn’t have overreacted. I know you have work to do.”

  There was a long pause where I listened to the very faint thump of his tires racing over the smooth highway. One of the best parts about being married was the ability to enjoy moments of silence together.

  “Your mom’s birthday’s in three weeks,” he said, his voice tender. “You should schedule that week’s session to coincide with her birthday, so we can visit her together.”

  I swallowed the aching lump in my throat. “Thank you for remembering… And thank you for being a beautiful person.”

  “Baby, there’s no one with a more beautiful heart than you. Don’t you ever forget that.” He waited a moment before he let out a deep sigh. “Sleep well. I’ll call you when I land.”