Here and Gone

by Haylen Beck

Sean craned his neck to see out the back window. ‘Mom, that’s the police.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Audra said.

  ‘Are they pulling us over?’

  ‘I think so.’

  Another WHOOP! and the cruiser pulled out and accelerated until it was level with the station wagon. The passenger window rolled down, and the driver pointed to the roadside.

  Audra nodded, signaled, and pulled onto the verge, kicking up dirt and debris. The cruiser slowed and pulled in behind her. Both cars halted, shrouded in dust so that Audra could barely see the other, apart from its lights still spinning and flashing.

  Louise stirred again. ‘What’s happening?’

  ‘The police pulled us over,’ Sean said.

  ‘Are we in trouble?’ she asked.

  ‘No,’ Audra said, with too much force to be convincing. ‘Nobody’s in trouble. I’m sure it’s nothing. Just sit tight, let Mommy handle it.’

  She watched the mirror as the dust cleared. The cruiser’s door opened, and the cop climbed out. He paused there, adjusted his belt, the pistol grip jutting from its holster, then reached back into the car for his hat. A middle-aged man, maybe fifty, fifty-five. Dark hair turning salt-and-pepper. Solid build, but not fat, thick forearms. The sort of man who might have played football in his younger days. His eyes hidden behind mirror shades, he lowered the wide-brimmed hat onto his head, the same beige as his uniform. He put a hand to the butt of his pistol and approached the driver’s side.

  ‘Shit,’ Audra whispered. All the way from New York, sticking to county roads when she could, avoiding highways, and she had not been stopped once. So close to California, and now this. She gripped the wheel tight, to hide the shakes.

  The cop paused at Louise’s window, dipped his head to peer in at the children. Then he came to Audra’s window, tapped it, moved his hand in a circular motion, telling her to wind it down. She reached for the button on the door, held it as the window whirred and groaned.

  ‘Evening, ma’am,’ he said. ‘Do me a favor and shut the engine off, please.’

  Be casual, Audra thought as she turned the key in the ignition to the off position. Everything’s going to be all right. Just stay calm.

  ‘Evening,’ she said. ‘Is something the matter, Officer?’

  The nametag above his badge read SHERIFF R. WHITESIDE.

  ‘License and registration, please,’ he said, his eyes still hidden behind the shades.

  ‘In the glove compartment,’ she said, pointing.

  He nodded. She kept her hands slow as she reached across, popped the catch, a bundle of maps and litter threatening to spill into the footwell. A few moments digging and she had the documents. He studied them, his face expressionless, while she returned her hands to the wheel.

  ‘Audra Kinney?’

  ‘That’s right,’ she said.

  ‘Mrs, Miss, or Ms?’ he asked.

  ‘Mrs, I guess.’

  ‘You guess?’

  ‘I’m separated. Not divorced yet.’

  ‘I see,’ he said, handing the documents back. ‘You’re a long way from home.’

  She took them, held them in her lap. ‘Road trip,’ she said. ‘We’re going to visit friends in California.’

  ‘Uh-huh,’ he said. ‘Everything all right, Mrs Kinney?’

  ‘Yes, I’m fine.’

  He put his hand on the car roof, leaned down a little, spoke in a low drawl that came from far back in his throat. ‘Just you seem a little nervous there. Any particular reason for that?’

  ‘No,’ she said, knowing the lie was clear on her face. ‘I just get nervous when I’m stopped by the police.’

  ‘Happen often, does it?’

  ‘No. I just mean anytime I have been stopped, I get—’

  ‘I expect you’ll want to know why I pulled you over today.’

  ‘Yes, I mean, I don’t think I—’

  ‘The reason I pulled you over is the car’s overloaded.’

  ‘Overloaded?’

  ‘She’s bearing down on the rear axle. Why don’t you step on out and take a look?’

  Before Audra could reply, the sheriff opened the door and stood back. She sat still, the documents still held in her lap, looking up at him.

  ‘I asked you to step out of the vehicle, ma’am.’

  Audra set the license and registration on the passenger seat and unfastened her seat belt.

  ‘Mom?’

  She turned to Sean and said, ‘It’s all right. I just need to speak with the officer. I’ll be right here. Okay?’

  Sean nodded, then turned his attention back to the sheriff. Audra climbed out, the sun fierce hot on her skin once more.

  The sheriff pointed as he walked to the back of the car. ‘Look, see? You ain’t got enough clearance between the tire and the top of the wheel arch.’

  He put his hands on the roof and pushed down, rocking the station wagon on its suspension. ‘Look at that. The roads around here aren’t too good, no money to fix them. You hit a pothole too hard and you’re in a world of trouble. I seen people lose control over something like this, they shred a tire, break the axle, or Lord knows what, and they wind up upside down in a ditch or hit an oncoming truck. It ain’t pretty, let me tell you. I can’t let you drive like that.’

  A shivery relief broke in Audra; this sheriff didn’t know who she was, wasn’t looking for her. But it was tempered by his insistence on stopping her. She needed to keep moving, but not at the risk of getting on the wrong side of this man.

  ‘I’ve only got a little way to go,’ she said, pointing to the turn up ahead. ‘I’m heading to Silver Water for the night. I can get rid of some stuff there.’

  ‘Silver Water?’ he asked. ‘You staying at Mrs Gerber’s guesthouse?’

  ‘I hadn’t decided yet.’

  The sheriff shook his head. ‘Either way, still more than a mile to Silver Water, narrow road, lot of switchbacks. A lot could happen between here and there. Tell you what … grab your keys and step back here, off the road.’

  ‘If I could just keep going a little further, I’ll be—’

  ‘Ma’am, I’m trying to be helpful here. Now just grab those keys like I asked you and come on back here.’

  Audra reached into the car, around the steering wheel, and took the keys from the ignition.

  ‘Mom, what’s happening?’ Sean asked. ‘What does he want?’

  ‘It’s all right,’ Audra said. ‘We’ll get it figured out in a minute. Just you stay put and keep an eye on your sister. Can you do that for me?’

  Sean twined his fingers. ‘Yes, Mom.’

  ‘Good boy,’ she said, and gave him a wink.

  She brought the keys back to the sheriff – Whiteside, wasn’t it? – and handed them over.

  ‘Step onto the shoulder for me,’ he said, pointing to the dirt at the side of the road. ‘Don’t want you getting hit by something.’

  She did as she was told, Sean and Louise twisting in their seats to watch through the back window.

  Whiteside reached for the trunk release. ‘Let’s see what we got back here.’

  Was he allowed to do that? Just open her trunk and look inside? Audra put a hand over her mouth, kept her silence as he surveyed the packed boxes, bags of clothes, two baskets full of toys.

  ‘Tell you what I can do for you,’ he said, standing back, hands on his hips. ‘I’ll move some of this stuff over to my car, just to lighten the load, follow you into Silver Water – I’d say Mrs Gerber will be glad of the custom – and then you can figure out what to do. You’re going to have to leave some stuff behind, I’ll tell you that right now. There’s a Goodwill store, I’m sure they’ll help you out. This here is about the poorest patch of land in the state, and the Goodwill store is about the only one left in business. Anyway, let’s see what you got.’

  Whiteside leaned in and hauled a box to the lip of the trunk. Folded blankets and sheets on top. All bedding and towels underneath, Audra remembered. She had packed the kids’ favorite covers and
pillowcases: Star Wars for Sean, Doc McStuffins for Louise. She saw the bright pastel shades as the sheriff dug down into the box.

  It crossed her mind then to ask why he was looking inside the box, and she opened her mouth to do so, but he spoke first.

  ‘Ma’am, what’s this?’

  He stood upright, his left hand still inside the box, a stack of sheets and blankets held back. Audra stood still for a moment, her mind unable to connect his question to a logical answer.

  ‘Blankets and stuff,’ she said.

  He pointed inside the box with his right hand. ‘And this?’

  Fear flicked on like a light. She thought she had been frightened before, but no, that had been simple worry. But this, now, was fear. Something was going terribly wrong here, and she could not grasp what it was.

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she said, unable to keep a tremor from creeping into her voice.

  ‘Maybe you should come take a look,’ he said.

  Audra took slow steps toward him, her sneakers crunching on sand and grit. She leaned in, looked down into the dim innards of the box. A shape there that she couldn’t quite make sense of.

  ‘I don’t know what that is,’ she said.

  Whiteside slipped his right hand down inside, gripped whatever it was by its edge, and drew it out into the hard light.

  ‘Care to take a guess?’ he asked.

  No question what it was. A good-sized baggie half full of dried green leaves.

  She shook her head and said, ‘That’s not mine.’

  ‘I’d say that looks a lot like marijuana. Wouldn’t you?’

  The cold fear in Audra’s breast spread to her arms and thighs like ice water soaking through her clothes. Numb at the center of her. Yes, she knew what it was. But she hadn’t used in years. She’d been completely straight for the last two. Not even a beer.

  ‘It’s not mine,’ she said.

  ‘You sure about that?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure,’ she said, but a small part of her thought, there was a time, wasn’t there ? Could I have stashed it and forgotten it lay among the sheets? Couldn’t have. Could I?

  ‘Then you care to tell me how this wound up in the trunk of your car?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said, and she wondered, could it be? Could it?

  No. Absolutely not. She hadn’t smoked anything since before her marriage, and she had moved apartments three times. No way the bag could have followed her here, no matter how careless she was.

  Heat in her eyes, tears threatening, her hands beginning to shake. But she had to keep control. For the kids, she thought. Don’t let them see you lose it. She wiped a palm across her cheek, sniffed hard.

  Whiteside held the bag up to the light, gave it a shake. ‘Well, we’re going to have a talk about who owns this. I tell you, though, I think this is a touch more than could be considered for personal use. So it’s going to be a long and serious talk.’

  Audra’s knees weakened, and she put a hand on the lip of the trunk to steady herself.

  ‘Sir, I swear to God, that’s not mine and I don’t know where it came from.’

  And that was the truth, wasn’t it?

  ‘Like I said, ma’am, we’re going to have a talk about that.’ Whiteside set the baggie on top of the blankets and reached for the cuffs on his belt. ‘But right now, I’m placing you under arrest.’

  3

  ‘WHAT?’

  Audra’s legs threatened to give way. Had she not been leaning against the car, she would have collapsed to the ground.

  ‘Mom?’ Sean had undone his seat belt and was leaning over the backseat, his eyes wide. ‘Mom, what’s happening?’

  Louise stared back too, fear on her face. Tears made hot tracks down Audra’s cheeks. She sniffed again and wiped them away.

  ‘This can’t be,’ she said.

  Whiteside’s features remained blank. ‘Ma’am, I need you to come with me to my car.’

  Audra shook her head. ‘But … but my children.’

  He stepped closer, lowered his voice. ‘For their sake, let’s keep this civil, now. You just do like I say and this whole thing’s going to go a lot easier for you and them. Now come on.’

  Whiteside reached for her arm and she allowed him to guide her away from the back of her station wagon to the front of his cruiser.

  ‘Mom? Mom!’

  ‘Tell him it’s all right,’ Whiteside said.

  Audra looked back to her car. ‘It’s all right, Sean. Look after your sister. We’ll get this straightened out in a few minutes.’

  They reached the cruiser, and he said, ‘Empty your pockets onto the hood there.’

  Audra dug into the pockets of her jeans, made a pile of tissues and loose change on the hood. Whiteside tossed the bag of marijuana on top.

  ‘That’s it? Now turn your pockets inside out.’

  She did so, and he turned her by the arm so she had her back to him.

  ‘Hands behind your back.’

  Audra heard the snick-click of metal, felt his hard fingers on her wrist.

  ‘You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney during interrogation; if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand?’

  As cool metal wrapped around each of her wrists, the back door of the station wagon opened. Sean spilled out, landed on his hands and knees on the dirt.

  ‘Mom, what’s happening?’ he called as he scrambled to his feet.

  From inside the car, Louise’s frightened cries, rising.

  ‘Everything’s all right,’ Audra said, but Sean kept coming.

  ‘Do you understand?’ Whiteside asked again.

  Sean, running now, said, ‘Hey, let my mom go.’

  ‘Sean, just get back—’

  Whiteside jerked and twisted the cuffs, shooting pain into Audra’s wrists and shoulders. She cried out, and Sean skidded to a halt.

  ‘Do you understand your rights?’ Whiteside asked once more, his mouth at her ear.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, the word squeezed between her teeth, the steel biting into her skin.

  ‘Then say it. Say, yes, I understand.’

  ‘Yes, I understand.’

  ‘Thank you.’ He turned to Sean. ‘Best get back in the car now, son. We’ll get this all settled in a minute or two.’

  Sean raised himself to his full height, tall for his age, but he looked so tiny there on the side of the road.

  ‘Let my mom go.’

  ‘I can’t do that, son. Now go on back to the car.’ He jerked the cuffs again, spoke into her ear. ‘Tell him.’

  Audra hissed at the pain.

  ‘Tell him, or this is going to get complicated.’

  ‘Sean, go back to the car,’ she said, fighting to keep the fear from her voice. ‘Listen, your sister’s crying. You need to go and take care of her. Go on, be a good boy for me.’

  He pointed at Whiteside. ‘Don’t you hurt her,’ he said, then he turned and walked back to the station wagon, glancing back over his shoulder as he went.

  ‘Brave boy,’ Whiteside said. ‘Now, you got anything sharp on you? Anything that might cut me when I search you?’

  Audra shook her head. ‘No, nothing. Wait, what, search me?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Whiteside said as he hunkered down behind her. He wrapped his big hands around her ankle and squeezed, moving the fabric of her jeans against his palms.

  ‘You can’t do that,’ she said. ‘Can you? A woman officer should do it.’

  ‘I can search you, and that’s what I’m doing. You don’t get special treatment just for being a woman. Was a time I could have called on the Silver Water PD for a female officer, just as a courtesy to you, not because I’m obliged to – I’m not – but not anymore. Mayor closed the P D three years ago. Town couldn’t afford it anymore.’

  His hands worked their way up her calf and thigh, squeezing, exploring. Then he pressed the back of
one hand up between her thighs, into her crotch, only for a moment, but enough to close her eyes and sour her stomach. Then across her buttocks, into the hip pockets, and down the other leg, before his forefingers probed down into her sneakers. Then he stood, hands brushing down her sweat-soaked back, around the front, across her stomach, skimming the outline of her breasts, up to her shoulders, down her arms.

  It wasn’t until he was done that Audra realized she had been holding her breath. Now she released it in one long, quivering exhalation.

  Then she heard the crying coming from her car, higher and higher, nearing hysterical. ‘My children,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t worry about them,’ Whiteside said, and he guided her to the back of his cruiser. He opened the passenger-side door. ‘Watch your head.’

  He placed a hand on top of her scalp, pressed down, guided her inside.

  ‘Feet,’ he said.

  Audra wondered what he meant for a moment before she understood, then she lifted her feet into the cruiser. He slammed the door shut, and the world seemed suddenly hushed.

  ‘Oh God,’ she said, and she could hold back the tears no longer. ‘Oh God.’

  Panic rattled inside her mind, inside her chest, promising to drive out all reason if she did not get it under control. She forced herself to breathe in deep through her nose, hold it, breathe out through her mouth, the tip of her tongue pressed to the back of her teeth. The relaxation exercise she’d learned when she was getting clean. Focus on the now, find something with your eyes, concentrate on that until the world levels off.

  Through the cage that separated the cruiser’s backseat from the front, she saw a two-inch tear in the seam of the leather-upholstered headrest. She stared at that, breathing, in, hold, out, in, hold, out.

  In her peripheral vision, she saw Whiteside move to the back of the cruiser, then heard the trunk open and close again. He went to the front, lifted the baggie full of marijuana from the hood, dropped it into a brown envelope, did the same with the scraps of tissue and change she’d taken from her pockets. She returned her gaze to the tear in the headrest, refocused on her breathing. The passenger door opened, and Whiteside tossed the two envelopes onto the seat before bending down to peer in at her.

  ‘You got family nearby?’