Seeing Your Face Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Lois puckered her lip but offered nothing more.

  Ida ventured a further question. “It’s not something serious, is it, Daett?”

  The family’s drama with Verna and Joe last year had left them all on edge. This also explained the sympathetic look crossing Bishop Beiler’s face as he answered. “Yah, it is something serious, Ida. But all church work is serious. Right now we’re working through what needs to be done.”

  “Trouble, trouble. It seems like there’s always trouble happening with someone or other,” Lois muttered before taking a bite of her pie.

  The bishop seemed lost in thought, his hand holding his fork suspended halfway to the plate. Finally he sighed. “Perhaps it’s best if I do tell you. You’ll know soon enough—probably at the first youth gathering you go to. In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t heard already.”

  They all looked at him. Bishop Beiler took his time before he spoke again. “On Monday morning Alvin Knepp left for the Englisha world. He didn’t run away, thankfully, so perhaps there is hope for him. His daett told Deacon Mast Alvin came home from the hymn singing on Sunday night, told them he was leaving in the morning, and packed his bags.”

  Shocked silence fell over the room. Debbie’s spoon clanked against her plate. She looked away, trying to appear nonchalant.

  “Did he say where he was going?” Emery asked.

  The bishop nodded. “Yah. To Philadelphia. I don’t know why that makes any difference. It’s all the same out there—wherever you go.”

  “But how did this happen?” Saloma clutched her husband’s shirt sleeve.

  Bishop Beiler stared at Saloma’s hand blankly for a long moment. “I wish I knew, Saloma. That’s always the question we ask as a ministry, and I’m afraid we don’t always find the answer. Alvin was the last person I would have expected to pull something like this.”

  Debbie’s ears buzzed as the family’s conversation continued around her. She heard the questions and speculations through a haze. Even her arms were numb from shock. How could this have happened? Alvin had left for her world? One of the Knepps—the family known for never breaking the Ordnung— was going Englisha? He’d never shown the slightest inclination of such a choice…or had she missed something?

  What about his interest in her? Did that mean nothing? Why hadn’t she made an effort sooner to contact Alvin through Verna? She should have after all the silence these past months. Had Alvin interpreted her intentions incorrectly? Maybe he thought she wanted him to stay away. But how could he think that after the plain words she’d spoken to him at Verna’s wedding?

  Lois’s words cut through Debbie’s fog. “It sounds like a broken heart to me. That’s the only thing that might cause a Knepp to stir himself to such effort. And to break the Ordnung on top of it.”

  “Lois!” Mamm scolded, but Debbie knew they were all looking at her, no doubt thinking she was the cause of this.

  “But…I…” More words wouldn’t come so Debbie lowered her gaze and stared at the table.

  She could feel everyone staring at her.

  The bishop spoke. His voice was kind, but the words cut to her heart. “Have you been toying with Alvin’s heart, Debbie?”

  Debbie shook her head. She didn’t trust her voice at the moment. How could they think this of her? She wanted to spill out words in her defense, to tell them of the efforts Verna and she had made at the wedding. How they’d invited Alvin to be a table waiter with her. How she’d spoken to Alvin afterward and tried to assure him that Paul Wagler meant nothing to her.

  “Please, Daett.” Saloma placed her hand on her husband’s arm again. “Debbie isn’t to blame for whatever Alvin is up to.”

  The bishop pressed on. “I could declare I heard someone say that Paul Wagler said something about…” Bishop Beiler paused.

  Debbie waited a second before prompting, “Paul said what?”

  Bishop Beiler took a quick glance around the supper table. “It might be best not to speak of such things here.”

  Lois snorted. “Come on, Daett. What you have to say can’t be worse than what Paul says in public for all to hear.”

  “Yah, I suppose,” Bishop Beiler allowed. “None of the Waglers can keep their mouths shut for the most part. And Paul is the worst. Word has it that he let on to Alvin that he wouldn’t stand a chance with Debbie.”

  “He was speaking this around?” Saloma appeared horrified. “Debbie had nothing to do with this, I’m sure.”

  They all looked at her again. Debbie’s mind spun. She was still an Englisha girl to them, and she couldn’t blame the Beilers for being uncertain about her. What should she say? If Verna were only here, she’d know. But right now her silence convinced no one, so she blurted out, “I care for Alvin Knepp, and I wouldn’t have turned down his interest. In fact, I would have welcomed it! I have no interest in Paul, and he is only saying such things to mess things up between Alvin and me.”

  “Are you sure about this, Debbie?” Bishop Beiler regarded her steadily. “It sounds to me like two of our boys are fighting over the Englisha girl among us. Is this at the bottom of Alvin fleeing the community?”

  Debbie was sure she’d pass out any second. Bishop Beiler had never referred to her as “the Englisha girl” before. She’d always felt welcome in his home, even if she still drove a car every day. And hadn’t she helped keep Lois from bolting into the Englisha world? And what about all the help she’d given Joe and Verna? Was the bishop forgetting all that? She met his gaze and allowed her plea for understanding to show.

  Bishop Beiler gave a little nod. “You’ve always been a blessing in our lives, Debbie. I wouldn’t wish that to change. But losing a church member to the world is not something we can ignore—or any cause that might lie behind it.”

  Lois waved her hand around. “I’m sorry I brought up the subject. I shouldn’t have been so quick to speak. And wake up, Daett. What’s new about boys fighting over girls? I’m sure you had your competition for Mamm.”

  Debbie saw Saloma’s hand reach over and squeeze the bishop’s arm and caught a slight smile spring onto the bishop’s face.

  “I suppose that’s true enough, Lois. But I’d still like to get to the bottom of this. My pursuit of your mamm didn’t result in another man leaving for the Englisha world.”

  Silence fell. They were obviously waiting for her to say something. But how was she supposed to speak of things so close to her heart? Let alone in front of Ida since they concerned Paul Wagler. Ida must already be mortified and hurt beyond words to hear what Paul had been saying. Debbie stole a quick glance at Ida’s face. The steady stream of silent tears that flowed down her face said all she needed to know.

  Bishop Beiler was still looking at her, so Debbie felt she needed to answer him. She couldn’t remain silent if she wished to remain in the Beiler home. Debbie clutched the edge of the table. “Verna and I did arrange for Alvin to be a table waiter with me, and I did make a point of speaking with him at the wedding. I told him there was nothing between Paul Wagler and myself. Alvin gave me the impression he would ask me home after a hymn singing before too long.” She stole a quick glance around. No one looked too horrified, and Ida had at least stopped her tears.

  The bishop cleared his throat. “Paul’s claim does sound unlikely if you and Verna took such measures. But you know that it’s best if a woman waits for a man to come to her and not indulge in the Englisha way, where the woman pursues the man. That’s not the way of our people.”

  Debbie nodded at once. This wasn’t something she was ignorant of, but still the words stung. Had she in fact been wrong in her approach with Alvin? Perhaps the sad results spoke the answer. Alvin was gone.

  Downing his last bites of pie, the bishop was quiet, and silence settled over the table.

  Saloma spoke up first. “Then the matter’s cleared on Debbie’s end. She might have shown herself a little forward in speaking with Alvin, but she can’t be blamed for what Alvin has done.”

  Bishop Beiler nodd
ed as he used his napkin to wipe his mouth.

  Debbie glanced his way and decided he didn’t look convinced. But there was nothing more she could say. The Amish formed their opinions based on the end result of actions as much as the original intent. And her actions, however innocent, might have contributed to an Amish boy’s dash into the Englisha world. So she was suspect no matter how much Saloma or anyone else tried to cover for her. In the meantime, her heart throbbed with the pain of Alvin’s unexpected departure. And now, on top of that, her welcome in the community would be reevaluated and seen in a whole new light. How had this all happened? Suddenly the depths of this cold winter entered her heart.

  “Let’s give thanks for the food,” Bishop Beiler said in his best Sunday-sermon voice. Debbie noticed that her hands shook as they all bowed their heads and Bishop Beiler led out in prayer again.

  Four

  Stillness settled over the farmhouse some hours later. Darkness lay heavy outside Debbie’s bedroom window with snow thick on the sill. In the light that flickered from the kerosene lamp, Debbie checked her alarm clock on the dresser. Close to midnight. Why wouldn’t sleep come? Though tomorrow wasn’t a workday, Saturdays always contained plenty of jobs to do around the Beiler farm.

  She’d tried to read herself to sleep, but to no avail. Ida’s sorrowful face after the discussion around the supper table still haunted her. It just wasn’t fair how Ida pined after a love that was denied her. Now, with the news about Alvin leaving the community, it appeared Debbie had joined Ida. Perhaps she was mourning for herself as much as for Ida. And she had the added trouble of the bishop’s suspicions that she might have contributed in some way to Alvin’s venture into the Englisha world. How upside down things had become. The wrong man was determined to win her affections, and at the same time her reputation in the community might turn into that of a troublemaker.

  Debbie got up. There was no sense in an all-night stew over her troubles. She couldn’t drown them with a book. Perhaps she could offer a measure of sympathy to Ida. Ida hadn’t said a word while they washed the supper dishes. An offer of help might comfort her troubled spirit. Saloma had asked her daughter repeatedly what troubled her, but Ida had done nothing but shake her head.

  Unless Debbie missed her guess, Ida was in her room across the hall still awake, mulling over the turn of events just as she was. Why not pay Ida a visit? Debbie pushed open her bedroom door. A dim light coming from under Ida’s door guided her steps down the dark hallway. Debbie tapped on the door.

  “Come in,” Ida’s weak voice called out.

  Debbie turned the knob and slipped inside. Ida stood beside the window, apparently transfixed by the snowflakes swirling on the other side of the windowpane.

  Ida turned around, a slight smile on her face.

  “May I sit?” Debbie motioned toward the bed.

  “Sure.” Ida didn’t move away from the window.

  Debbie cleared her throat. “I’m sorry about Paul, Ida. Believe me, I’m not making any attempt to court his attention. I don’t like the man in the least.”

  Ida’s small smile vanished. “I know you aren’t doing such things, Debbie. You have a gut heart. It’s not your fault Alvin did what he did. And I wish Daett hadn’t doubted you the way he did.”

  Debbie pressed back the tears. How like Ida to quickly turn this visit around to one of offering comfort. And all the time Ida’s own heart had to be throbbing with pain.

  “I should be comforting you, Ida,” Debbie whispered. “Not the other way around.”

  Ida’s look was kind. “You think so, I suppose, but that’s because you don’t know how much trouble you may be in.”

  “What?” Debbie sat up straight.

  “Yah.” Ida stared out into the darkness. “Daett will not soon forget his suspicions, and Minister Kanagy will only make them worse once he hears what’s going on. And Daett will have to tell him what he knows and suspects.”

  Debbie tried to look skeptical, but her heart was pounding.

  Moments later Ida added fuel to the fire. “You remember how Minister Kanagy was with Verna and Joe? He would have had them both excommunicated if Daett hadn’t stood in his way.”

  “But surely not…” Debbie let the words hang.

  Ida shrugged. “Daett will stick up for you, but you could help him by doing something for yourself.”

  When Ida didn’t continue, Debbie asked. “And what could I do?”

  Ida turned to look out the window again. “You could accept Paul’s offer to court you.”

  “Ida!” Debbie leaped to her feet to grab Ida’s hand. “I’m not going to do that. Even if I knew you didn’t care for him, I couldn’t do that.”

  Ida turned around, sorrow written across her face. “Paul’s never going to return my affections, Debbie. And neither is any other man. Don’t let my situation stand in the way of your decisions.”

  “I’m not!” Debbie protested.

  “I know you haven’t been returning Paul’s affection, but wasn’t it a little bit out of consideration for me?” Ida’s face was etched with pain.

  “No—and that’s the truth. Well, perhaps just a little, but I’m really not interested in Paul.”

  Ida thought for a moment. “Okay. But perhaps you should consider changing your mind. Word will get out. It will be said that Alvin left because of you. That won’t sit well with the community. I know them better than you do, Debbie. Daett has protected you for most of last year, but it won’t be like that anymore. Not once they find out that a man has left the community because of you. And, on top of that, you’re turning down one of the most eligible bachelors in our district.”

  “Then I’ll put away my car at once, and I’ll tell your father I want to join the instruction class this spring.” Debbie squared her shoulders. “That should settle the matter.”

  “It’s a little too late, I’m afraid,” Ida said.

  Debbie stared at Ida’s figure as it cut a sharp contrast against the darkness outside. Had the winter weather affected Ida’s mind and cast her spirits so deeply in the doldrums that she thought only the worst? Other than the talk tonight around the supper table, Bishop Beiler had never given any indication that she wasn’t welcome. In fact, he’d always gone out of his way to make her feel at home.

  Ida regarded Debbie again. “This thing that Alvin did will put thoughts into Lois’s heart. She may even join him in Philadelphia.”

  Debbie clutched the edge of the bed. “You have to be wrong about this, Ida. Your sorrow about Paul’s rejection has affected you more than you realize.”

  Ida didn’t move. “I sorrow, yah. But Lois isn’t above using Alvin’s actions to justify her own.”

  “I hope you’re wrong.” Debbie’s emotions sank fast. What Ida said made much more sense than she wished to admit. That must have been the real reason Bishop Beiler had regarded her with such concern at the supper table. He’d been thinking of Lois more than he was of Alvin’s situation. And the bishop wouldn’t want to say something like that in front of Lois.

  “You can wait and see what Lois does,” Ida continued. “But if you wish to continue in the community, you’d better start returning Paul’s attention.”

  “I will do no such thing.” Debbie wanted to say more, but she couldn’t think of anything else.

  Ida glanced at her. “Remember, Debbie, Paul’s never going to ask me home. Not if I wait a thousand years. So don’t feel bad for me.”

  “I…” Debbie paused. She did feel sorry for Ida, but she was also horrified that she might even consider this outrageous suggestion. Even now thoughts raced unbidden through her mind. She’d dated this kind of man before, and maybe she could do so again. It didn’t mean she had to marry him. And Paul did have good looks and a charming personality. His witty jokes weren’t unpleasant, and they conversed with easy rapport. No one in the community would doubt them as a couple. In fact, they might well be considered among the community’s best-looking couples. And who knew, maybe Paul woul
d eventually tire of her and move on to someone else. Surely the community wouldn’t hold that against her.

  “I’ll be glad to see you get Paul.” Ida sent a brave smile toward Debbie. “My heart will heal with time, and you’ll get someone who is decent way down inside. I know it’s a little hard to see sometimes, but Paul’s a kind and compassionate man.”

  “You must stop saying things like this.” Debbie kept her voice firm. “I don’t love the man, and you do so we’ll let the Lord work everything out.”

  Ida’s smile went thin.

  A sharp knock came on the door before Debbie could think of what else to say.

  “Come in!” Ida called without hesitation.

  Lois appeared in the doorway. “I thought I heard talking. Are we sharing secrets tonight?”

  “None that you can’t hear.” Ida gave Lois a sweet look. “Come in and sit down.”

  Lois entered and closed the door behind her.

  Debbie wasted no time. “How is this thing with Alvin affecting you?”

  Lois gave Debbie a sharp look. “You mean with my wanting to go Englisha?”

  “Just tell her the truth,” Ida said.

  “Maybe I don’t want to,” Lois snapped.

  “Have you two been talking?” Debbie motioned between them.

  Lois shook her head. “Ida knows me well enough to guess. And the fact that I didn’t run my mouth tonight must have tipped her off. I’m seriously considering finding out where Alvin went. Maybe he would help me set up an apartment and find a job wherever he’s working. I know his family can’t farm worth a hoot, but I’d imagine even the Knepps can handle themselves in the Englisha world. Everything is easier out there.”

  Wild protests rose in Debbie’s mind. The world out there was anything but easy! Lois would find trouble she never even imagined existed. But Debbie bit her tongue. It didn’t seem like the right thing to say at the moment. Lois wasn’t in a mood to listen anyway.

  Ida regarded her sister. “You know you’re going to break Mamm and Daett’s hearts. Plus put a real black mark on Daett’s standing in the community, what with Alvin having just left.”