by Shane Dawson
MR. ROBERTS: Sorry I’m late. The waves were gnarly this morning and there was a food truck selling fish tacos, so you know I had to get one!
He took a bite of a soggy fish taco and a drop of tartar sauce fell from his lip and onto his old-man nipple. Instead of wiping it off with a napkin he rubbed his hand all over it and the chest hair soaked it up. It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen in my life but also the most inventive. If Shark Tank had been on at the time, he would have been a tough one to beat.
MR. ROBERTS: Alright, let’s go around the room and say your name and one thing about yourself that nobody knows. I’ll start. My name is Mr. Roberts, and when I was a teenager I hit something with my car, pretty sure it was a person, and I kept going. Probably killed someone. Who’s next?
HUMAN TAMPON: My name is Karen—
The students all gasped. She had a name??
KAREN: And I have a pen pal in prison. He’s getting out soon. He was in there for murder.
All the students looked at each other, scared. I’m pretty sure her nickname was Don’t Fuck with Karen after that.
TARA: My name is Tara and sometimes when I’m sad I watch beheading videos.
MR. ROBERTS: You should probably keep that to yourself. What about you, sir?
He pointed at me. My whole body went numb. The thought of speaking in front of my class was making me sweat bullets. My neck pussy was very wet and not in a good way.
MR. ROBERTS: Come on. What’s your name?
RANDOM BOY: I think it’s Neck Pussy, sir.
The class laughed. Mr. Roberts looked at the random boy.
MR. ROBERTS: If that’s what you think a vagina looks like, then you must be a virgin as I suspected.
The class laughed even harder. This time AT the random boy. I could feel the tide turning and it gave me the courage to stand up.
ME: My name is Shane. And people don’t really know anything about me so I’m having trouble thinking of what to say.
MR. ROBERTS: What do you like to do?
ME: You mean, like, at home?
MR. ROBERTS: Ya, what are your hobbies?
I had to think long and hard about this. I was tempted to tell the class that I liked to go to jackinworld.com and learn new techniques on how to masturbate better but wasn’t sure if honesty was the best tactic. It would have just given them even more nickname options. But side note, jackinworld.com is amazing. It taught me how to turn a banana, ziplock bag, and a toilet seat cover into a vagina. Best fake vagina feeling I’ve ever had. #notanAD #notSPONS
ME: Well . . . I like movies.
MR. ROBERTS: What kind of movies?
ME: I like funny ones. Those are the kind I want to make.
MR. ROBERTS: Oh, so you want to be a director.
ME: Ya, I make some now. But they aren’t very good. And the only actor I know is my grandma, so they are all about old people.
MR. ROBERTS: Sounds depressing. I love it! Thank you, Shane.
I sat down with a smile on my face. The students finally knew something about me. Something that didn’t end in a punch line. I thought maybe this class was going to change my life. Maybe Mr. Roberts was going to bring me out of my shell. Little did I know he was but not in the way I’d hoped.
The next day when we came into class there was writing on the board that said: “WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?” I was hoping we wouldn’t be going around the room again, because if I told the class my dreams, my new nickname would be Restraining Order. This time, Mr. Roberts strolled into class wearing working gloves and an open flannel shirt.
MR. ROBERTS: Sorry, guys. I was busy building a chair.
What doesn’t this guy do? He’s a surfer. A wood worker. What’s next? I could only pray it was baker.
MR. ROBERTS: We have our first assignment today! It’s all about dreams. Partner up with someone and think of a creative way to teach the class about dreams. You can do a song, a dance, or even a short film.
He looked over at me and winked.
MR. ROBERTS: You have a week to do it! We will show all of them next Monday! I can only DREAM of what you are going to come up with. Hopefully it won’t be a NIGHTMARE!
We definitely weren’t going to add “comedian” to his occupation list.
I partnered up with my friend Tara and we came up with a video concept. We were going to dress up as crazy characters and go around Walmart asking people about their dreams. My character was going to be Leonard Lipshitz and she was going to be Sylvia Brownhole. Character comedy was something I was really passionate about, but I hadn’t really told any of my friends that. They knew I was funny because I would joke around with them, but they didn’t know I was so into improvisational comedy. When I was a kid I had wanted to grow up and perform on Saturday Night Live. They always had a least one fat guy on that show, which gave me hope. It also gave me hope because then I’d be getting paid to be fat, which is WAY better than doing it for free.
Tara and I went to a costume shop to find our characters’ looks. I wanted to find something really bizarre, like a sweater made out of Beanie Babies or a tie that was also a rubber chicken. Tara was looking in the “must be over 18” section, and I had to explain to her that showing nipples was probably not going to fly in a high school project.
TARA: Can’t you just blur them out? Like on Cops?
After we found our costumes it was time to go to Walmart with our camera in hand. Neither of us drove yet, so I asked my mom to join us.
MOM: You want me to be a part of the crew??
ME: Sure!
MOM: What’s my call time?!
ME: Um . . . after you finish making us Hot Pockets?
MOM: Got it! You can count on me, Mr. Director!
It was sweet how she was so into it. I’m sure if I’d given her a day’s notice she would have embroidered a shirt that said “CREW MEMBER” on it. We got into her car and I turned my camera on. I started interviewing my mom while I was in character. She freaked out.
ME: So, what are your dreams about?
MOM: Wait, are you filming me?
ME: Yup!
MOM: If I’d known, I would have done my makeup! And hair! And gotten a neck lift!
I get my labias from my mother.
ME: So give us a taste of your dreams. Let us into your mind.
MOM: Well, last night I had a dream that you and I moved to a really amazing cabin in Big Bear with a beautiful golden retriever and spent the rest of our lives together! What do you think that means?
ME: I think it means we’re WAY too close!
As we pulled up to Walmart I decided it would be funny to park in the handicap spot and force my mom to pretend to have Tourette’s. I’m not sure now why that would have warranted a parking spot, but I wasn’t really thinking logically at the time. I turned the camera off and gave my mom directions.
ME: Ok, so randomly scream bad words while you are parking the car.
MOM: Oh, Shaney, I can’t do that. I don’t think God would want me to curse on camera.
ME: It’s for the movie. You’re the star. Don’t you want to make the movie good?
It was the same conversation I’m assuming some directors have with actresses before a nude scene. I guilted her into doing what I wanted. The scary part is if I tried, she probably would have shown the goods.
MOM: Ok. For the movie! Sorry, God!
ME: That’s the spirit! And ACTION!
On action my mom started screaming curse words at the top of her lungs. It was amazing to watch. It’s how I’d always imagined our conversation in the future going when I came out of the closet. INTENSE. After that we walked into Walmart and started walking up to strangers. This was before YouTube was a thing, so it wasn’t normal to see a couple of dumb teenagers with a camera in public. Nowadays you see kids running around the mall taking selfies, vlogging their lives, and pulling pranks on strangers. It’s almost like everyone wants to be on camera and make content. Even my mom has a YouTube channel. Granted it’s j
ust videos of her dogs swimming in the pool, but it’s still “content.” Wow. I feel like the word is beginning to become meaningless. I met a YouTuber one time who told me she made content where she would eat all the ingredients of a cake and then vomit them up into a bowl and cook it. She called them Barf Cakes. I love the internet.
After about three hours of walking around Walmart we decided we had enough material to make this video great. I felt super confident about it and couldn’t wait to show the class. I was especially excited to show Mr. Roberts and thank him for helping me come out of my shell. It would be the first time my peers saw me in a different light and maybe they would call me the fat funny guy instead of just the fat guy.
Monday arrived pretty quickly, and I was ready! I had taken all week to edit the video, and I felt like I had my masterpiece. It was funny, shocking, and informative. I felt like I was able to make a video that not only had jokes but got all the information across that it needed to. I made sure to hit all the topics that Mr. Roberts wanted us to cover and still get in a few fart jokes. When we got to class the board said, “TODAY’S THE DAY,” and I couldn’t have been more excited about it.
MR. ROBERTS: Alright, who wants to go first?
For the first time in my life I was going to volunteer for something. I had never put myself out there like this before, but I was so pumped for people to see the video and I couldn’t wait to make Mr. Roberts proud.
ME: We will!
MR. ROBERTS: Alright, Shane! What have you prepared?
ME: We made a video. I hope you guys like it.
I walked up to the TV and slipped my videotape into the VCR. My heart was pounding and my fingers were trembling as I pressed the play button. I walked back to my desk and sat down. The static on the TV felt like it lasted forever as all the students waited to see what kind of miracle Neck Pussy had given birth to. Then it started. The first shot was my mom screaming cuss words into the camera. I had bleeped them out because I wanted to keep it appropriate. The entire class erupted in laughter. Some of them were even applauding. A guy sitting behind me started slapping my back.
BACK SLAPPER: That’s your momma?! That’s shit’s so funny, man!!
I was instantly relieved. They got it. They were loving it. As the video continued their laughter only got louder. It was a mixture of Tara and me looking like idiots and us giving actual information. I wanted it to be a parody of a children’s educational show on PBS, and I felt like it was really succeeding. I also wanted to make sure it wasn’t just dumb for the sake of being dumb; I wanted it still to be smart but full of off-color jokes. The video was just about to reach the climax when the screen went blank. The class yelled in confusion.
BACK SLAPPER: What happened?!
RANDOM BOY: Did the TV break??
The TV was just fine. It was my heart that broke when I looked over at Mr. Roberts, who was holding the remote with a disgusted look on his face. The class got quiet. Everyone looked at him in shock, waiting to see what he was going to say. Tara grabbed my arm and looked at me the same way a cow looks at a butcher before the slaughter.
MR. ROBERTS: Shane. I am very, very shocked and disappointed. What you made was offensive. Disrespectful. Mean-spirited. And above all, not funny in the slightest. I thought you wanted to make movies. Not trash like that. I guess I misjudged you.
To say my heart broke is an understatement. My heart shattered, then got vacuumed up, then was thrown into an incinerator and burned to dust. I didn’t understand why he was so upset when the video was obviously getting an amazing reaction from the class. My mind was racing and I didn’t know what to say. Not only had a teacher never been mad at me before but I had never shown one of my videos to anyone but my family. This was like falling at the Oscars and the whole world waiting to see how you got up. I gathered as much courage together as I could and I began to speak.
ME: But everyone was laughing.
MR. ROBERTS: See me after class. We can talk about it then.
ME: No. I want to talk about it now. I’m proud of what I made. And everyone in here was loving it. I don’t understand why you are so mad at me.
MR. ROBERTS: I said we will talk about it after class.
ME: No! I want to talk about it now.
Mr. Roberts took a deep breath and then asked me to join him outside in the hall. As we walked out of the classroom all the students started mumbling. They were just as confused as I was.
TARA: Good thing I didn’t show my nipples.
Mr. Roberts leaned up against a locker and put his hand over his face in aggravation. He seemed so angry and I was so confused. After a few grunts and sighs he finally began to speak.
MR. ROBERTS: Shane. I’m really shocked and disturbed by what you made.
ME: I don’t get it. It was funny. And we covered all the material you wanted.
MR. ROBERTS: That was not funny. It was awful and actually made me sick. You don’t see what was wrong about it? All the bad language? All the sex jokes?
ME: But nocturnal emissions was something you wanted us to cover.
MR. ROBERTS: Yes, but I didn’t want you to do it using sock puppets and hair conditioner.
That scene might have gone a little too far. I admit that. I should have just DESCRIBED wet dreams, not shown it. But a tip to future filmmakers: hair conditioner makes amazing fake semen. Just the right consistency and not as smelly as mayonnaise. You’re welcome.
ME: I’m sorry. I just wanted to make something funny. Something like the kinda movies I want to make one day.
MR. ROBERTS: Nobody wants to watch movies like that. Nobody.
ME: But what about the kids in there? They were laughing.
MR. ROBERTS: They were laughing AT it, Shane. There’s a difference.
That hit me right in the gut. I knew the difference between getting laughed at and being laughed with. Hell, my whole high school career up until that point consisted of kids calling me names and laughing at me while they did it. But this time was different. They were on my side. I connected with them and knew what they thought was funny. It all hit me, and I started to cry. I didn’t know what to say to Mr. Roberts, but I didn’t want to say anything I’d regret, so I just walked away.
MR. ROBERTS: Shane, where are you going? Class isn’t over yet.
ME: It is for me.
I think the part that hurt the most was that he discounted the entire video because it had a few dirty jokes. He couldn’t see past that and consider that I had really worked hard on it and made something I was proud of. Not to mention the fact that the whole class was enjoying it. The whole situation was too much for me to handle emotionally. I walked out of the building and across the campus. I wanted to get as far away from the situation as I could. I went into the gym bathroom and sat down in a stall. I pulled out my flip phone to text my mom. Before I could even type anything I saw that I had a text waiting for me. I opened it up and it was from my mom and it said, “I’m so proud of you. Today other people are going to see what I’ve seen all along. What a talented, funny, amazing young man you are.” I started crying and put my phone back in my backpack. I felt defeated. Until the next day when things turned around.
As I walked into first period Tara came up to me and gave me a hug.
TARA: I’m so sorry. It was a really funny video. I think Mr. Roberts had a bad fish taco or something.
ME: It’s ok. I’m just trying to forget it ever happened.
My English teacher walked up behind me and whispered in my ear.
ENGLISH TEACHER: I saw your dreams video. The hardest I’ve laughed in years. Good job, man. You’re sick!
As he walked back to his desk my whole world changed. He got it. A grown man got it. Not just a teenager. Not just my mom. A person who has no reason to lie to me.
TARA: What did he say?
ME: That he liked our video.
TARA: He saw it?? Damn. He’s so hot. Maybe I should have shown my nipples.
That day every teacher walked up to m
e throughout the day and told me that they saw the video and loved it. I don’t know how they saw it, but I wasn’t questioning it. I was just excited my work was getting out there! Later I was called into the principal’s office, and I was shocked. I had never been called to the office before, and I was assuming I either did something wrong and I was getting detention or that someone in my family died. Hopefully someone had died. I was terrified of detention.
As I walked into his office the principal asked me to sit in the seat across from him. Principal Williams was a very intense man and always looked like he had just tasted a complicated chili recipe and was trying to figure out the secret ingredient.
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: Do you know why you’re here, Shane?
ME: Someone died?
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: What? No. Who do you think died?
ME: I dunno. Probably someone on my mom’s side. They’re all obese like me.
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: No. No one is dead.
He reached from under his desk and pulled out a videotape. He placed it on his desk and looked up at me.
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: Does this look familiar?
ME: Oh. You saw it?
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: Oh ya. Mr. Roberts came in here yesterday and showed it to me. He wanted my opinion on how best to deal with the situation.
ME: And?
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: And I told him it was hilarious and I had never seen anything like it.
The dust of my heart came back together and formed a big warm clump. I was shocked and overwhelmed. This time in the best way.
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: I showed it to all my friends here at work and they thought it was one of the funniest things they’d ever seen. How did you think of all this stuff ? You’ve got quite the imagination there, Shane.
ME: I dunno. I guess it just comes to me.
