by Shane Dawson
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: Well, keep it up. I can’t wait to see the crazy shit you come up with next.
He said “shit.” My principal just said “shit.” Maybe I was dreaming. If he had said the F word, it would have turned into a full-on wet dream. I love it when teachers cuss.
ME: Did Mr. Roberts tell you what he said to me?
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: He did. And I told him I disagreed. Shane, throughout your life some people aren’t going to get what you do. Some people are gonna think you’re crazy and not give you a fair chance. They won’t open up their minds enough to see the potential you have and see all the greatness you have in that head of yours. But there will also be people who do. People that get you. And I’m one of them.
That conversation has stuck with me ever since. It gave me the confidence to keep going and not let what Mr. Roberts said get me down. If anything, what he said lit a fire underneath me to prove him wrong.
PRINCIPAL WILLIAMS: You know I still have to give you detention though, right? You did make a video where you had your mother screaming the C word over and over again.
Damn it. So close.
Looking back, I don’t completely fault Mr. Roberts for not liking the video I made. I guess he was looking for more of a “by the books” short film, and mine definitely wasn’t. But I’m happy that it happened, because it thickened my skin and got me ready for the criticism that was going to be thrown my way as an adult.
Just like Mr. Roberts, some people still don’t get me. They think I’m disgusting. “Human trash” as someone on reddit referred to me once. But there are even more people who understand what I do and appreciate it. For every bad review, there are a hundred like the ones below. And to me, that’s all that matters.
“Not Cool is an insanely hilarious teen comedy that is a nonstop laugh fest from beginning to end. You will definitely cry at some point . . . but before you can really let loose your tears you will start laughing again. . . . If you enjoy a good laugh out loud comedy that I don’t doubt for a minute you WON’T love this movie! I’ve already seen it 17 times since it came out!”
—Janetlc69
“I bought this movie to support Shane, and honestly expected nobody in my home would be able to keep interest for more than 5 minutes because their humor is very different than mine. BOY, WAS I WRONG! Within 3 minutes, my sister was literally rolling in tears laughing, as was her husband. The jokes were amazing, somewhat controversial, but that’s Shane! I wouldn’t have imagined his movie any other way . . . Overall, I am giving this movie 10 stars. If I weren’t such a fan of Shane’s, I honestly think I would still give it 10 stars.”
—Zackary
“I’m incredibly proud of you, Shane. You’ve brought me so much happiness and us fans love you so much and you deserve the world. Thank you.”
—Kelly
To everyone who gets me, thank you. To everyone who doesn’t, thank you too. You give me the motivation to keep succeeding just to piss you off.
Mom’s Chapter: The Night That Changed Our Lives
by Teresa Yaw
Note from Shane
My mom has always been a huge inspiration to me, and if you read this whole book, you know what a crucial part of my life she has been. She has always wanted to pursue her dream of being an author, but between working multiple jobs to feed her kids and all the chaos that comes with being a single mother she never had the time. So as a gift to her I decided to hand over the final chapter of this book to her. I told her she could write about whatever she wanted and I wouldn’t change a thing. So without further ado, here is a special essay by Teresa Yaw. My mother, my friend, and now a published author. I love you, Mom.
About the Artist
SHANNEN JALAL is an artist from Dublin, Ireland. After having a keen interest in art from a young age, she recently graduated with a degree in visual communications from Dublin Institute of Technology. Her medium of choice is pointillism, a style of illustration in which you create portraits with just dots. You can see her work on her website shannenjalal.com.
I’ve never been one to call attention to myself because I’ve always been insecure about my appearance. Not too long ago, the very thought of one of my son’s fans running up to me and asking me to take a picture with them would have given me a full-on panic attack. But one night ten years ago something happened that gave me a glimpse into what the future held. What a night that was!
Shane was always a very shy child and stayed to himself a lot. He had a few close friends, but I never really saw him with too many people at one time. I was a single mom who worked a lot of hours and didn’t get to spend much time with my kids. Shane stayed very busy with his schoolwork and remained close to home.
One day, he told me to hold a specific night open on my calendar so I could go to his drama production at his high school. I really didn’t know what it was about, but I was very excited to go. I requested the early shift so I could get off work in time. I arrived early and decided to sit in the auditorium and just relax. There was a group of kids sitting to my left, and I’m not going to lie, they looked a bit rough to be waiting to watch a drama production. You should never judge a book by its cover, but I still wrote a brief Last Will and Testament on a paper napkin, just in case. Some other kids were busy setting up the stage for the night, and I noticed Shane walking out holding a small desk lamp. Shane had thick, long hair he would hide behind when he walked. I thought, “Well, maybe he is on the set design team.” It didn’t matter to me because I was so proud of anything he did.
Soon the auditorium started to fill, and I began to wonder where my other sons, Jacob and Jerid, were. They were a handful, and I didn’t want to even imagine where they might be. I had saved them seats and prayed they hadn’t forgotten. Just as I was about to give up on them, I heard loud laughter, and of course everyone turned around to see where the noise was coming from. Sure enough, it was Jacob and Jerid wrestling with each other down the aisle. “Oh Jesus!” I prayed. “Please don’t let them trip and kill some grandma with a cane!” They eventually made it to their seats. My first inclination was to yell at them, but before I could get a word out, a cloud of smoke escaped from Jerid’s mouth and hit me in the face, and the smell of weed almost knocked me out. “Jacob, Jerid,” I whispered sternly. “How could you do this?” Well, they just laughed even harder, and I was resolved to let it go. As I said, the crowd looked a little rough, so I’m not sure anyone even noticed. On with the show!
The auditorium was now bursting with excited students, parents, and sleeping grandparents. There was feeling of anticipation in the audience that I didn’t quite understand, but even I started to feel it moving through my body. Of course, it could have also been the weed vapor hovering over me. Either way, I was enjoying this moment! The curtains parted to reveal the set of a classroom. I recognized a few of Shane’s friends and was pretty sure I was correct in thinking Shane was involved in the set design because he was not in the ensemble. As the scene started to play out, I heard whispers from the group of rough kids sitting next to me. “Where is he?” and “I think he comes out soon.” I wondered what they were talking about, but I was too scared to ask. Instead I clutched my Last Will and Testament and hoped to God that they weren’t planning a shoot-out.
About that time, I heard one of the kids whisper, “There he is!” I looked up and saw Shane walking out onstage wearing a baggy, hooded sweatshirt and walking with a swagger I had never seen him do before. The group of kids next to me stood up and cheered as if a rock star had just come out onstage! I was so confused about why Shane was up there but even more confused about why so many people were screaming for him. Shane went into character, and with all the confidence of Kanye West snatching Taylor Swift’s VMA Award, he swooped down on one of the girls onstage and made his advance. “What is this?” I wondered. How did my shy, little, insecure son become this hysterical, larger-than-life character?
For the next ten minutes I watched the audience laugh, scream, and
have so much fun, and it all seemed to center around Shane. Those rough kids sitting to my left were having the best time, and those intimidating looks I had initially observed were now completely lit up. I didn’t quite understand what was happening, but I knew it was something big. As I glanced over at Jacob and Jerid, it appeared the weed had worn off, but they too had looks of wonder on their faces. Shane was the brother who stayed to himself, certainly didn’t show any resemblance to the cool guys on SNL, and in just that quick moment in time was inspiring awe and amazement in his older siblings.
There was a brief intermission, which allowed me a moment to absorb what had just taken place. My mind wandered back to those Saturday nights Shane and I would spend together. He wasn’t yet at the age when he would spend time on the weekends with his friends. We looked forward to those simple but special times together. The first thing we would do was drop Jerid off at Knott’s Berry Farm so he could hang out with his friends. That was the cool thing back then. Maybe it still is; some things are timeless. After dropping him off we would go buy whatever the latest CD was. We started with NOW That’s What I Call Music! Volume 1, if you can believe that. They must be on volume 3,001 at this point. We would drive for hours listening, laughing, and dreaming of what the future might hold for us.
With a plunk, I was suddenly brought back to reality as Jerid plopped himself down in his seat with half a churro sticking out of his mouth. The show continued. After a couple of short skits that Shane wasn’t in, the curtain opened to a family living room scene, and again the audience began to call out Shane’s name. I couldn’t wait to see what was going to happen next. It was a hysterical skit about a family from Minnesota, and Shane played the father. I hadn’t laughed so hard in years, and I definitely could have used some bladder protection.
Watching my son shine onstage, I could feel the many hardships from the previous nine years melt away. Each day had its share of worries, and it had started to catch up with me. That evening I laughed so hard and was so surprised, I felt new life flow through my body. As the show came to an end and all the students came forward to bow, again I had the joy of hearing the auditorium rumble with the shouts of “Shane! Shane!” That shy little guy, who I worried every day for, stood proudly onstage, and his face lit up any darkness that tried to squeeze in. Jacob and Jerid were shouting, “You’re the man, Shane! You’re the Man!!” It was as if the earth had turned a new direction and I got to be a part of it.
The excitement continued as I watched the students step down from the stage and all the kids in the audience run toward Shane. For just a second, I considered throwing myself in front of the “rough” kids, but by then I realized they were as wonderful and special as every student in that building.
I slowly made my way out to the lobby as Shane’s friends ran up to me and gave lots of hugs. For Jacob, Jerid, and myself, we had just had the most amazing night. There were no worries, there were no fears, there was no sadness, just a joy that seemed to embrace us as a family. After several minutes, I finally got to hug Shane and get through the crowd. With tears in my eyes, I told him it had been the best night of my life. As he looked at me I could almost hear his mind thinking, “It is only the beginning, Mom.” I decided to let him enjoy the rest of the evening and head out to my car. As I made my way down the auditorium steps, I turned back around. Time seemed to stand still for just a moment and I heard God’s soft voice in my ear say, “Tonight you witnessed an auditorium full of love for Shane. One day, Teresa, you will witness the world loving him.” I got to my car and wept. Not tears of pain, but tears of joy and hope.
Nearly ten years have passed since that night at Lakewood High School, and every time I see a crowd gather around Shane and express such love, I think of that special evening that would forever change our lives. I’ve met so many of Shane’s fans since he started on YouTube, and every one of them is more full of love than the last.
Granted the first time I was recognized in public was not such a lovely experience. One day I was walking around the mall and was stopped by an angry-looking woman. She pointed at the shirt I was wearing, which happened to have Shane’s face on it, and she said, “I know who you are, and I think your son is disgraceful!!” I stood there in shock for a moment. Then after a few seconds I started laughing and quickly texted Shane. “I got recognized, son!! I’m so excited!!” I still have my Shane Dawson T-shirt, and every time I wear it I think about that lady and get the biggest smile on my face. One person’s “disgraceful” is another person’s “HERO.”
Acknowledgments
This book wouldn’t have been possible without the help of so many amazing people. It also wouldn’t have been possible without the help of so many food-delivery employees who kept me emotionally eating while writing it. I spent approximately $2,540 on takeout during the creation of this book. Fuck my life.
But the other people who helped inspire and motivate me are priceless. Except for my agents and lawyer. They cost about 15 percent. Still not as much as my food bill though. Instead of just listing all the people who I want to thank, I decided it would be more fun if I gave their name, their role in the process, and what celebrity they remind me of. So here we go. Let’s hope I don’t end up offending everyone I’m thankful for. I already do enough of that at Thanksgiving when I let everyone know that “I’m most thankful I live an hour away from most of my family members.” Ya, doesn’t always get the laugh I’m going for.
Sarah Branham
My Editor
Nicole Kidman if she was younger and could move her face.
Judith Curr
My Publisher
Rachael Zoe if she had a healthy BMI and an accent. Judith has a great wardrobe.
Carolyn Reidy
President & CEO of Simon & Schuster
Hillary Clinton. She’s so powerful. So smart. I want to be her.
Haley Weaver
Editorial Assistant
Lindsay Lohan if she made better choices.
Ariele Fredman
My Publicist
That dog from Air Bud. Not the looks, just the essence. Hopeful. Loyal. A LOT of energy.
Jackie Jou
My Marketing Manager
Simba from The Lion King. Once again, not the looks. Just the essence. Feisty. Sweet. Spontaneous dancing.
Brent Weinstein
My Agent
A guy from the Food Network, but I don’t remember his name at the moment. I think it’s a show where he cooks for people in prison.
Natalie Novak
My Agent
Not that girl from The Hills who was super-fucking-annoying. Her friend.
Ali Barash
My Agent
I’m gonna be honest. It’s a porn star. But not a fake-looking one, a “homemade” one. Trust me, it’s a compliment.
Matthew Saver
My Lawyer
Richard Gere without all the butt rumors. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Google it. You’ll fall into a dark hole. Pun intended.
Chris Worthington
My Assistant
A grown-up version of Daniel Radcliffe. I know he’s technically a grown-up, but he still looks twelve. Maybe he has a disorder. In that case, I apologize for my insensitivity.
Jerid Yaw
My Brother
The guy from MythBusters. Spot-on. It’s actually uncanny.
Teresa Yaw
My Mother
Like Julianne Moore if she smiled more. I’m not sure what’s wrong with her. I hope she’s ok.
Chad Morgan
My First Boyfriend
Chris Pratt but when he was still a human and not a sex robot. Seriously, who made him? Apple? Can someone terminate him so other guys can have a chance?
Lisa Schwartz
My First Girlfriend
The perfect blend of Hilary Duff and the pig from Babe. Not the pig’s body, just its personality.
Shane Dawson is a director, actor, comedian, musician, YouTube vlogger,
and the New York Times bestselling author of I Hate Myselfie. He lives in Hollywood, California. Find him on YouTube.com/ShaneDawsonTV.
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ALSO BY SHANE DAWSON
I Hate Myselfie
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Copyright © 2016 by Shane Dawson TV, Inc.
“The Night That Changed Our Lives” copyright © 2016 by Teresa Yaw
These stories reflect my experiences over a period of several years. Some names and identifying details have been changed, and some individuals portrayed are composites. For narrative purposes, the timeline of certain events has been altered or compressed.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Keywords Press Subsidiary Rights Department or the Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Keywords Press/Atria Paperback edition July 2016
