The Family She Needs

by Sue MacKay

  ‘Heaven.’

  She’d figured it might be, since he hadn’t said a word since his first mouthful.

  ‘And the wine’s not bad either. Hope you’re up to walking home, because driving’s out.’

  Logan topped up their glasses from the bottle he’d ordered.

  ‘Two weeks ago I stomped home in a right snot on three-inch heels—tonight’s not going to be a problem.’ She had on her favourite boots. ‘Not a drop of rain in sight either.’

  ‘No puddle-jumping, then?’

  ‘You spoilt that when you fixed the drains.’ She smiled to take any perceived sting out of her words, then changed the subject. ‘Where did you do your training?’

  ‘I followed James to Christchurch, which is just up the road from Ashburton, where we grew up. I had some half-baked idea that we could flat together, become best buddies and all that. Didn’t factor in that he already shared a flat with five other guys. But I soon teamed up with some other students and had a blast.’

  ‘There’s something about getting away from home. It changes you for ever.’

  Except her father had insisted she return to the fold the moment she had her nursing qualification in her hot little hand and she’d complied. How different would her life have been if she hadn’t?

  Logan started telling her about some of the pranks he’d got up to as a student. The wine ran out so they walked home, still talking about themselves.

  For Karina, the best part was having Logan’s arm around her shoulders, holding her close to him. Her arm around his waist soaked up every movement, and had her dreaming of her bare arm against his skin. Her blood sizzled with desire.

  I’m on a date. Yeah, and very shortly I’m going to be home, tending to Mickey and cleaning up the kitchen after Jonty. Hey, Cinderella, where’s the pumpkin?

  Their date came to a jarring end the moment they walked in the door. Mickey and Jonty were arguing over who’d cheated at Snakes and Ladders. Was that even possible?

  Karina shook her head and lifted Mickey up into her arms. ‘Bedtime for you.’ Tears streaked his sweet face and shadows underlined his innocent eyes.

  ‘Don’t want to go to bed,’ came the inevitable reply.

  ‘Want and get are two different things.’

  He was exhausted. Overtired, as it turned out. Sleep did not come easily, so that by the time he did finally succumb more than an hour had passed and all the heat that had fired her body had buttoned off. Not that it would take much to fire it up again.

  In the lounge, Logan and Jonty were talking about the rugby game on TV. Deflated further, she turned away, headed for the kitchen and the mess on the bench.

  So much for a hot date. She’d overreacted to the intimacy of sharing a meal and being held close to Logan on the walk home. Of course he wasn’t interested in anything that might make life difficult between them when they dealt with the house, the surgery and Mickey’s future.

  Angry at herself for even considering that they might have an interlude that was about them and nothing else, she banged pots and plates into the sink and turned the tap on so hard water drenched the front of her top.

  * * *

  Logan stirred the pumpkin soup he’d found in the freezer and checked the oven temperature. He’d found heat-and-eat buns right next to the container of soup. Everything was all set for when Karina came in from the surgery for lunch, which should be any minute now if they closed on time. It being Saturday, and theirs the only surgery open today, they might be overrun with patients.

  He was getting a kick out of doing things with and for Karina. Like last night at the Thai restaurant. They’d been so relaxed together it had been marvellous: sharing those entrées and watching her perfect teeth bite into the spring roll he offered her. He’d been turned on all the way through the meal.

  But that was nothing compared to the tension tightening his muscles as they’d walked home. All his muscles, which hadn’t made for comfortable walking. It would have been all too easy to stop and kiss her senseless. Hell, he’d wanted to kiss her right from the moment they’d left the house, heading for the pub. Her perfume had filled his vehicle, teasing and taunting. Her hands moving in the air as she’d chattered non-stop had had him aching to feel them on his skin.

  With every step he’d wanted to stop and wrap Karina in his arms while he devoured her with kisses. But a little voice at the back of his head had prevailed. What if Karina took him too seriously? Thought they might have a future? Believed he’d change all his plans and stay on here with her?

  Even then he’d been unbelievably close to giving in to temptation. Then they’d walked in the front door and had been confronted with the chaos that was Mickey.

  Mickey hadn’t wanted anything to do with anyone except Karina, which had left him out of the loop, so he’d joined Jonty in the lounge. In hindsight that had been a good thing, because it had given him time to cool down and realise what taking Karina to bed would have done to their relationship. He wasn’t prepared to make a mess of that just because he desperately wanted her. Not when he had to negotiate a truce on what to do with the house and the surgery.

  The back door opened and a blast of cold air smacked into the kitchen, bringing him fully alert.

  ‘Something smells delicious.’ Karina skipped into the kitchen.

  ‘I’ve been raiding your freezer.’ When her eyebrows rose he added, ‘Soup’s the only thing on a cold day.’

  ‘I was hoping for something warm.’

  Warm? You’re hot.

  As she looked around, worry creased Karina’s brow. ‘Where’s Mickey?’

  ‘In the lounge, making a chart to keep score of who wins the most Snakes and Ladders games.’

  While Karina went to see him Logan opened the oven and placed the buns on the rack. ‘Five minutes until lunch is ready,’ he called after her.

  ‘Mickey says he’s hungry. Again.’ She smiled from the doorway, where she stood with their boy in her arms.

  ‘Hope you don’t mind, but I also got out a beef casserole to thaw for dinner. I haven’t had anything like that since I was last at Mum’s, and the moment I saw the container my stomach started doing a loop-the-loop.’

  He began ladling soup into bowls.

  ‘Go for it. Does this mean I’m not on dinner duty tonight?’

  She sat Mickey on a chair and lifted his hair off his forehead, her hand automatically stopping to feel his temperature. She had all the instinctive parenting skills necessary, though she should relax a bit.

  ‘I’m a genius at heating pre-cooked meals.’

  Her smile widened, then slowed. ‘Some of Jonty’s tests have come back. Looks like you’re on the right track—though the faecal occult blood result isn’t back. His white count’s slightly elevated, with a predominance of neutrophils, including band forms.’

  ‘That’ll be because of the numerous mouth ulcers. What about his B12 and folic acid? Iron?’ Logan placed a bowl in front of Mickey. ‘Blow on it first. It’s hot.’

  ‘Iron borderline normal. B12 and folate low.’ Karina picked up one of the remaining bowls and settled at the table. ‘Funny how I didn’t notice he was losing weight until you said something.’

  ‘You often don’t when you’re around someone all the time. Eventually it would have dawned on you. He says he’s lost seven kilos since Easter.’

  ‘Did he say why he’s been taking so much aspirin?’

  ‘Headaches, stomach pain, sore knees. The aspirin could’ve exacerbated the stomach problem and given him ulcers there too.’

  Flicking the hot buns onto a plate, Logan placed them on the table and sat opposite Karina. This was cosy. A man could get used to it.

  ‘Careful, Mickey.’ Karina pushed his bowl closer to him.

  ‘How do you think Jonty will cope with a
strict diet regime?’ With Crohn’s disease some foods were definitely off the menu, and Jonty would have to work out which were the trigger food groups peculiar to him.

  ‘He’s not called Mr Grumpy for nothing.’

  ‘True.’

  The soup was delicious and required total concentration.

  ‘From the way that’s going down, I’m guessing it’s also been a while since you had soup.’

  When he raised his head he found Karina watching him with questions in her eyes. ‘I’d forgotten how tasty something as simple as pumpkin soup can be.’ Had he deflected those questions? What did she want to know this time?

  He soon found out.

  Karina licked her spoon until it shone, then asked, ‘Are you looking forward to going back to Africa?’

  He shivered. ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’m getting mixed messages.’

  Too damn observant. That was what she was. Come on. Think of something to say that won’t reveal the truth but isn’t a lie. Come on, he repeated in his skull.

  ‘I’m happy to go back. There’s so much to do there. It’s never-ending.’ As her brow furrowed he knew she wasn’t buying into his explanation. ‘I haven’t been in NZ long and I still need to unwind completely.’

  He also needed to be here. Mickey was getting used to him, wanted him in his life. That had to be good, but it also complicated everything.

  The furrows remained in place. ‘Will you go to the same base as last time?’

  Try as hard as he might, he couldn’t prevent the shudder that rocked him, and she saw it, those eyes widening ever so slightly.

  ‘No,’ he muttered, and pushed off his chair to get more soup in an attempt to shut her up without growling at her. Offending her was not on his agenda. He liked her too much. Besides, they had to get along for Mickey’s sake. ‘I’ll probably go to Uganda next time, even though I haven’t quite finished my last contract.’

  ‘Will it be another twelve-month stint?’

  ‘They usually are.’ He had yet to discuss his deployment with his boss. Hopefully by then he’d be able to say with full confidence that he’d got over the kidnapping.

  She stood beside him, holding out her bowl for more. ‘That’s not exactly what I asked.’

  He knew that. His shoulders rose and fell as he ladled soup into her bowl.

  Back at the table Karina eyed him as he sat down. ‘I know I’m a pest, but I have to look ahead. Knowing if you’ll be coming home to see Mickey during the next year will make it easier to tell him what to look forward to.’

  Her honesty could be a pain, but he couldn’t fault her reasoning. ‘It wouldn’t be fair to leave you on your own with Mickey longer than a year.’

  Even that was too long to expect Karina to hold the fort. But twelve months back in that stinking heat, wondering where the next attack might come from, fearing being taken and locked up again, wasn’t going to be a picnic either.

  ‘I’m quite happy with the situation, but it worries me that it’s not always easy to contact you. What if something goes wrong? Like Mickey getting seriously ill and my needing you?’

  Nurses and doctors were known to look for all sorts of illnesses when it came to their own kids, and there was no denying that, to Karina, Mickey was her own. But...

  ‘Mickey’s doing great. I suspect the headaches and tummy aches are about attention-seeking.’

  As she tapped her bottom lip repeatedly with her spoon he wanted to hug her tight, kiss away those worries screwing up her eyes. He wanted to make everything easier for her.

  ‘How would you feel if I was living here? Was available all the time? Would that make you feel I was infringing on what you’re doing with Mickey?’

  Now, where the hell had that come from? Next she’d be thinking he planned on staying around.

  Her spoon clattered into her bowl and her chair tipped back as she raised startled eyes to meet his gaze. ‘You’re not serious?’

  That hurt. ‘What if I am? Mickey’s as much my responsibility as yours. Besides, I’m not looking forward to leaving him for so long.’

  So she didn’t want him here, didn’t want to share parenthood. She’d had it her own way too long.

  ‘Sorry, that came out all wrong,’ she backpedalled. ‘It would be great for Mickey if you lived in Motueka.’

  ‘But apparently not in the same house as the two of you?’

  That hurt too. He’d become used to Karina being around all the time. He liked sharing meals and looking out for Mickey with her, and had enjoyed working alongside her in the surgery. Seemed she didn’t think the same. Of course she was right. Sharing a house really wasn’t wise. What if, despite her protestations, she did meet a man she wanted to settle down with? It was bound to happen one day. She was too attractive to remain single for ever. He’d be like a spare wheel around the place. Come on... He’d hate it—and he had no right to that emotion.

  Karina might be sneaking under his radar and touching his heart, but he wasn’t about to run with that. She’d already been hurt badly by her ex and she didn’t need a basket case next time around. Nor did Mickey need the fallout a broken relationship would bring if it didn’t work out between them.

  Standing, he gathered up the empty soup bowls and took them to the sink. ‘You’re safe. I couldn’t stay still in one place long enough to make a life for myself here.’

  She didn’t need to know that he’d begun to feel that this might be the place where he could let go of the fear and grab at the sense of belonging that sometimes caught him. Whether that was the location and its townsfolk, or just two people in particular, he still didn’t know. But, as he didn’t usually go looking for places to leave his heart, he suspected it was Karina and Mickey who’d weaved their magic around him, causing this disturbance to his head and his heart.

  * * *

  Karina couldn’t get Logan’s words out of her head.

  ‘How would you feel if I was living here? Was available all the time?’

  He had refuted them almost immediately, but it had been as though he was testing her: seeing what she felt about the idea.

  Well, buster, the answers to those vexing questions are entirely up to you. She flicked the towel she was folding, getting a small satisfaction out of the snapping sound it made. I can’t tell you what to do with your life.

  Logan living here would be the best thing for Mickey and the worst for her—even if he lived in another house. Already she’d grown too close to him, and she wasn’t looking forward to the day he left.

  Male laughter reached her from the direction of the shed, where Logan and Jonty were sanding the frame on a set of windows they’d bought at the demolition yard in Nelson during the week.

  Another maintenance job being attacked; another thing soon to be ticked off Logan’s list. He seemed to be getting immense enjoyment out of doing these jobs, saying on more than one occasion that it was great seeing the results of his hard labour.

  ‘What’s hard about it?’ Jonty had asked one time when they’d all been in the garden. ‘It’s what real men do.’

  Logan had laughed at Jonty’s poke, no doubt safe in the knowledge that the old man was more than happy to work alongside him.

  You’re all man—right down to the tips of your toes. She’d had to slam her mouth shut on the words.

  Logan was comfortable showing his softer side. He spent hours with his nephew and had been more than happy to step up when needed in the surgery. Oh, and he had a chest and a butt that were definitely real man.

  But she didn’t know what to make of Logan’s query about him staying around. She’d be absolutely thrilled, she suspected. He was impossible to ignore, despite her best intentions. He was knocking away at the barriers she’d hoisted around her heart. Often she found herself thinking about him at times when she
had no right to be—times when she was meant to be reading patient notes or making sense of Mickey’s erratic behaviour, which she hadn’t been able to find an answer for even by searching the net.

  Logan. Get out of my head. Now. Stay away.

  See? She didn’t want him moving here permanently.

  Yeah, I might, though.

  What if she was falling in love with him?

  Then he’s got to go. No argument.

  He mightn’t be anything like power-hungry, control freak Ian, but she’d loved Ian with all her being and she suspected that was how she’d love Logan if she allowed him into her heart.

  That was how she loved Mickey.

  That was how she loved. Full-stop.

  With a child, that was okay. Parents loved unconditionally and took the knocks along the way.

  But to love a man like that again, knowing full well how painful it would be at the end, would be utterly foolish. She wasn’t ever again going down that black hole. And the only way she could be sure of that was by not getting involved with Logan.

  Logan might be wonderful with Mickey, but he also liked to be in charge, liked controlling everything around him. Such as selling the house. In his book he was right: no argument. Just like her ex and her father. She was never again going to be that person who did as others bade in the hope that they’d love her more.

  No, siree. I know how this unfolds. I give in once, the second time is easier, and so it goes.

  Love Logan or not, she wasn’t getting involved with him.

  CHAPTER TEN

  A SHOUT WOKE Karina from a deep sleep.

  ‘Here we go again...’

  She rolled out of bed and groped for her robe and slippers as another cry ripped through the house.

  ‘Logan?’

  These nightmares weren’t getting any less frequent.

  In his bedroom, she went through the routine of shaking him awake and making him aware of where he was, and who with, before turning to head to the kitchen and the chocolate and milk.

  ‘Don’t go. Stay here with me for a bit.’