Phoenix
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PHOENIX
Eleanor Moon
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Copyright 2010 by Eleanor Moon
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This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.
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PHOENIX
Table of Contents
Chapter 1. On the way to the airport
Chapter 2. In the hotel room
Chapter 3. Rambler
Chapter 4. Discernment
Chapter 5. Realizing
Chapter 6. Meeting
Chapter 7. Final destination
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Chapter 1. On the way to the airport
I can’t believe it. But it has happened. True. I have to leave this village. Leave you. As I’m sitting in the taxi cab bringing me to the airport, I’m pondering but cannot come to terms with your decision. It’s a bit inconsistent. You might have the rational reason of it that is me leaving our hometown to start a “new life” in another place. But it’s only a new workplace, I’m sure we were, oh my God, we are strong enough to handle the remote-connection-status in our relationship!
Time could prove my hypothesis, but you took it away from me. You simply withdrew the chance. Life orders events in a way from which we can learn something new: every situation should be seen as a task to be solved. Now I got the chance to arrange my life as I will. Not as comfortable for others. Not this time.
I’ve always been “fitting to” others’ requirements: my boyfriend, parents, professors, my boss... New opportunities, new chances, my wishes, which were secondary, until today. I left my egocentrism somewhere in rebellious puberty. That was the last period of my life when I could follow my own thoughts, had enough self-consciousness, feeling that I’m going my way. Okay, within some limits given by my parents, but now I will be without them.
I feel confused: alone in a new place, without my greatest supporters, and without you. I trusted you; I believed that you will be with me, not physically, of course, but in a way... Last evening after telling me that you don’t love me anymore, oh, come on, what a poor strategy...
I collapsed. When we’ve spent a night together, only three days before, you promised me that you will support me, love me, and do everything for me. Oh, how naive was I! I haven’t had the idea that that was our last night together. And then, you walked out my door so cool yesterday. I cannot forget that picture, your face. Staring at your back didn’t help me. I deeply felt that my place is next to you that Saturday. Obviously, you didn’t. But why did you strengthen me with every tiny movement? Anything that comes unconsciously screamed that what we were doing was good for both of us. We were on the same wavelength. For the last time, perhaps.
Now I look out the window, the trees are running outside, and for couple of hours, I will sit on an airplane looking at our village which will become smaller and smaller, but the empty space of yours in my heart will remain the same.
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Chapter 2. In the hotel room
Overreacting... I hate it. And I hate myself as well, when I do that. Is it me? Than I have to subdue myself. But I'm not a heroine, only human. Sometimes not good enough even for that, but I'm a woman overflowed with emotions. It feels like hundreds of cannons rumbling in my head.
The situation is rationally clear, however, I cannot help myself to come over my emotions, because it's totally different than the others were. It is different from previous flaring. It sweeps me away. It’s unbelievable. Defeating. The feeling is just like I dreamed about. Like the one I have been waiting for. And you are the One. You were already there in my previous steps, even if I haven’t noticed that. Until now, when I lost you.
I buried you deeply in my soul, didn’t want you to come back, but you cancelled my plans, give me a different way with rushing up. I know that you will be there in my further steps, because I feel those once buried feelings, and I don’t want to oppress them, but sometimes it’s too much. I don’t like to be directed. I have to keep my hands on things, so I feel comfortable. But in this case, my emotions come over my mind, thus the results are silly, infantile, irrational. My self-confidence gets decreasing and I am getting irresolute. Therefore, I lose my trust in you as well. I’m still thinking on the “why”, without finding out the right answer. The strange thing is that I’ve already felt this some weeks before we broke up...
Sitting on a bed in the NH hotel room for several hours, staring out the window, ignoring that I’m in a big trouble without a flat for rent, just thinking of you is not the best engagement I’ve done so far.
I didn’t know how long will we be together, but my sixth sense whispered that there is something wrong in the air. I didn’t know whether you enjoyed being in a relationship with me or not, getting some limits of freedom. It’s a different kind of freedom. Some doors might close, but so many gets open.
I didn’t know whether you miss your “previous” life full of alcoholic beverages and women. Didn’t you get fed up? If not, than you were on the wrong place. I got the answer to that, by the way... And finally, I didn’t know whether you will assault me, because I did wrong things with you some years ago... You didn’t want to take revenge, did you? You wanted me to feel exactly the same, what you felt... I don’t know. Chaos.
I really wanted this relationship to work. And now... my life continued on a different place with new faces. But you are still at home, with our mutual friends. Don’t you miss me when you have a coffee or beer together? Don’t you feel that someone is missing next to you?
I loved you. You loved me. What went wrong? I thought too much on our situation. And you were simply fed up. I loved hunting, but you changed me. I know you also did. I won’t choose a man who is like a little grey mouse, only if I would like him for my breakfast! You were a challenge to me. And I lost. But I won’t give up. You were the prey and no other interested me. I don’t see anybody, just you if you are with me. You are the one whose one glance gives me more than anybody can ever say or give. Vice versa. I think you got everything. But your deeds say I’m wrong. Why is the situation always the same over the years? How come that any time we meet, I feel the same, and I’m sure, you feel it: when our eyes meet, the world stops cycling. That’s it. I will take it with me. Everywhere I go, I will have your look, smile and touch with me.
I’m into you, that’s the case. I’m still in love with the way you smoke. Crazy, but it evokes my passion. Your driving style charms me. And I haven’t said anything about your voice yet. It calms and impassions me at the same time. I adore the duality in you; the same is storming in me. Finally, I found the person, who completes me... Soul mates? I don’t know, but I believe, naively in true love where two people are together to complete each other, because the two of them together gets more than they are separately. This is what I call a real relationship that is worth working on and living within it. Okay, let’s face the truth; you broke up with me...
But you kissed my tears away! The way you react in a tense situation is unbelievable. You do smile at me when I’m making a scene. You hug me. You loved me. I could be a real woman with you. Now, I’m losing myself... I hoped that you feel the same.
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Chapter 3. Rambler
I was afraid of being the victim of your revenge. Consequently, I was jealous of every girl who came near you, or had some business with you. I deeply regret everything I did to you some year ago. Every little piece of this game is a shame on me. Infantile moves. And the result is a vicious circle: uncertainty – fear – mistrust. That’s what kills everything good. My own conscience was my bugaboo. So, you couldn’t stand me, and put the han
dbrake on. I was pondering much on why did you so, because I hate situations like this. A month and a half before everything was in the right order, and then, suddenly, you became like an iceberg. Then “I love you” changed into “I love being with you”... Why?
First and foremost, you seem to be jealous of my lifestyle... But if you take all your little deeds into consideration, your life is very similar to mine, only you live it on a different place. It might be the case that you simply cannot stand the constant pressure I’m putting on myself to improve my work each day, so you might feel that you should do the same, to become better, and cannot handle that... I also didn’t want to undertake our relationship at first because I wasn’t sure in the strength of my own emotions, but it has changed. After all, I was ready to give up my freedom, be with you, but at that moment you took a step back. Never mind, it’s over. So I cannot tell you that I need you now, nothing else...
Secondly, you might be afraid of the flow of emotions that came over us. It’s understandable. I gave you many reasons to take alarm. Then the only solution could be the time, which we won’t spend together.
There is one thing that you forgot to take into account: your eyes can never lie to me! Consciously you took some changes, but cannot influence the glance of your deep brown eyes. There is the secret due to which we cannot be in the same room without getting in contact. Firework starts when our eyes meet. And it’s unconscious. Out of control. As long as you look at me in that way, I cannot accept your cool behaviour.
A question pops up. Okay, many of them, but one at a time which I’m looking for an answer to. If I took part in this game, how would it end? Would we become estranged? Or should I as a woman pay court to you, and get disinterested step by step? No. My pride is greater than that. Actually, I’ve tried many times, but it’s not my cup of tea. Oh, I might suffocate your hunting instinct. That’s a usual problem of emancipated women. I should take the “catch me if you can”-behaviour...
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Chapter 4. Discernment
...but it’s over now. You broke up with me. That’s it. I wasn’t good enough. The decision has been made. You take the way that has been formed by those four years without me. I loved you, and I’m still in love with you. But then, long time ago, I didn’t want to be with you. Now you’re not that into me. That’s it.
I’m trying not to suffer. But I’m suffering very much. I’ve never loved so deeply before like in that short period. But you haven’t. Okay, never mind. After all we went through together and separately as well, after all that I’ve done with you, you needed some years to pull yourself together, and I burst into your life again out of nothing with all the past events, memories... Too much, I understand.
Somehow I was looking for salve, and found it in you, again. But I’ve never felt like this before! Enthusiastically love someone, that’s the point that you missed. I should be thankful for experiencing it. Despite the fact that we aren’t for each other, I fell in love with you. I’m not an adventurer, but a purposeful, strong-willed woman. At least I thought that. I like to know things for sure which you cannot give to me, only uncertainty that I got. This is not where I park my car. So you could feel like being suffocated. Again. Like four years ago. The difference is that it isn’t you now, who suffers from the consequences, but it’s me. Now it isn’t you who loves, but me. Passionately, sensitively, desperately...
“I’m an indispensable part of your life! Come on, look at me, I definitely know you feel the same... What is wrong? I would like to be a cerebral convolution in your brain...” – I told him and I fall flat on my face, absolutely: “No, you won’t!” I should feel that he’s far from me.
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Chapter 5. Realizing
Reason has been sent to hell, emotions are dominating. Life orders things in a way from which I should draw some consequences, must learn from that, turn it into something positive. From now on, I have to make my own choices, independently from you, my parents, my teachers... That is the beginning of my freedom and independence. What’s more, I might thank you for conning me! You showed me that it is high time to start on my own.
Okay, I will come to terms with the fact that you cheated on me. I saw your photos on a webpage from a month ago. It is unbelievable that you could be with both of us at the same time. Did you tell her “I love you”? But why did you choose her? I could be rude and say, she is under qualified and too old to you. What is more, she already has a family! A little daughter and her husband are waiting for her after your rendezvous. Nevertheless, she provides you more freedom than I did.
You don’t have to live up to her expectations because she has none. You are at a higher level already, higher than she ever will be. It is a relative term: the focal point is important. I have been the perfect woman in your eyes, to whom you weren’t enough. Since we haven’t met, those four years, you’ve found your way that you should go alone feeling your strength and courage. If I would join you with my way which is totally different from yours, the same thing would happen than some years ago. ...and you perfectly know that I won’t give up my way which I chose long time ago and do it expediently. I won’t give up, so neither will you.
The question is whether you can see me in your future. If you do, than this unfaithful trick wasn’t the best you could do. My reason tells me, you should go alone, but my heart screams, don’t leave me alone... Both of us will go on our own way. If we ever meet again, that will be the matter of fortune.
Why did you choose her? You gave her youth back, perhaps. The only thing you should do is to be unbridled, shamelessly young and thoughtless. I see that she is hiding from her own life. It is not so easy to raise a child, be a good mother, and live out your passionate side at the same time, but I cast the blame on both of you. I know that you don’t love her rationality, neither her body, because every little thing that you love in me, is missing from her. I am the woman who you love! I have ever been, and will be your ideal girlfriend, the perfect one. Maybe your love is buried down so deeply that you can simply lock it, because I don’t fit into your bohemian life. I am a perfectionist, ambitious careerist, who likes to know everything in advance, who likes to plan each step, and who likes to accomplish those plans in great details. This doesn’t fit into your hectic and spontaneous lifestyle. You are too young, at the beginning of your carrier. I would only limit you. I would put some order into your chaos.
Vica versa, you would limit me. So, you made a decision instead of me.
Love is not enough. At least, our love was not.
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Chapter 6. Meeting
Oh, my God! I came home after ten months. I feels like heartbreaking pain to step the door of the house where we broke up, where he tread my pride with two feet. Everything remained on the same place in my room. Most of the decoration there are presents from you. Wherever I look, you look back. But why is it so hard? It does matter anymore. It’s over. I’m simply not able to come terms with it that he is not the person I saw. I fell in love with an idea, projected my own desires, loved them, and couldn’t see his real face. Oh, I cannot reconcile myself to the fact that I am such a naive person.
I got a message from him. This was the last thing I expected. Then I surprised myself: the feeling is not that “Oh, yes, He loves me indeed, he wants to meet me, again...”, but almost the reverse: “Oh, yes, he cannot throw me away so easily, I knew, he needs me!” I couldn’t decide, what to do: laugh out loud or weep as a motherless calf. The message was the following: “Why didn’t you tell me that you’re at home? Everybody is a fool sometimes. I would like to talk to you, please.”
Perhaps, I made a mistake, but I gave a positive answer. So, I met him the other day. He came to me at eight, in the evening. We went to the town nearby to have a drink or two: gin-tonic vs. beer. He had already mentioned on the way that the topic of our conversation should be the two of us, but when I answered that I am listening, just “tell me what you want to say”, suddenly,
he was at a loss for words. Actually, the only thing he was able to utter was that “I was confused, but now, I want you”. Hmmm, seriously? He wants me, after all such things, to melt into his arms? His words stroke my soul, however, I cannot trust him. He’s such a great actor! It hurt me too deep to believe him. He is looking into my eyes as a jeune premier, but I am not into him anymore.
When I asked him, cool and prim, how the “other” is, he was staring at me wonderingly. He thinks, I am a fool, because his answer was “I have no idea”. Oh, come on! “I am sorry, but I am telling the truth, I don’t know.” What is more, he tried to convince me that they weren’t sleeping together when I was his girlfriend. If there is such a humiliating thing like dirty game, then please tell me. I really hate it, but (with) his manner squeezes the truth out of me. Failure number one. I knew, he will do it, but couldn’t avoid it.
I honestly analyzed our relationship after their “business travel” to Egypt. I claimed that I know she can provide him greater freedom, he don’t have to live up to any expectations next to her, because he is already at a higher level, economical and intelligence as well, then she will ever be. He contested: denied and explained everything, but in fact, he didn’t tell anything meaningful. I am in love, but not a fool. No more, at least.
To be honest, I enjoyed his clumsiness. I got on my high horse. So, I continued with the analysis of friends’ pressure. Although he thinks the opposite, I know him: he is not just influenced, but literally formed by the environment. This attack of mine was defeated by a simple comment that nobody said anything wrong about me. But if everything was so pink, what went wrong? No answer this time... “I should clean out my closet.” This is not an acceptable one. I think the dirt was called Lane. But for her, he would never leave me... “It was only by a miserable accident that we went together. ...I couldn’t avoid talk to her...” If you call it “talking”, it’s okay to me.