Space Team: Return of the Dead Guy

by Barry J. Hutchison

  “There, see?” said Cal. “Nothing to worry about.”

  They turned and took in their surroundings. Other than, “Ooh, it’s orange,” there wasn’t a lot to say about the place. It was like being in the middle of a thick fog, albeit one the color of a certain popular citrus fruit. Little shiny flecks danced through the cloud like tiny fish, shooting away whenever anyone got within grabbing distance.

  Through the mist, Cal could just make out the glowing center of Ikumordo. The white platform they had landed on seemed to stretch out towards it, so Cal set off in that direction, with Loren and Mech flanking him on either side.

  “So, you’ve got a plan, right?” said Loren. “You know what you’re doing?”

  Cal nodded. “Yeah. The other Cals, they’ve been planning for this. They just needed me to… deliver the message.”

  “I don’t get it,” said Mech.

  “Which bit?” asked Cal.

  “The whole fonking thing. Why is there a Carver Council? I mean, why are you, of all the people alive, in charge of stopping this thing?”

  Cal shrugged. It was a good question, but one that it hadn’t actually occurred to him to ask. “We can ask this Carver Prime dude when we get back. He’s the guy who started it all. I’m just a cog in the wheel. Just one Cal Carver among many. Although, I think we’ll all agree, I’m definitely the best-looking one.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” said Loren. “That guy with the beard and the staff was kind of easy on the eye.”

  “What? No!” said Cal. “What? Him? No. I mean, he’s literally called ‘Number Two.’ Imagine if you got married. You’d be Mrs Number Two. No. Trust me, you don’t even want to go there.”

  “But, I mean… Why you?” Mech asked again. From the way he said it, it seemed like the very idea of the Carver Council had personally offended him in some way. Which, to be fair, Cal thought, it probably had.

  “Honestly? I have no idea,” said Cal. “I mean, much as I enjoy racing around the galaxy having adventures and all that stuff, I think we can agree that it’s a miracle I haven’t been killed yet.”

  “You were,” Loren reminded him. “But you came back.”

  “My point exactly,” said Cal. “If I was putting together a list of people to save the universe, I don’t think I’d even make the top ten. So Carver Prime must by pretty cocksure to put together an entire team made up exclusively of himself. I mean, even I think that’s a bad idea, and I have, let’s be honest, a disproportionately high opinion of myself.”

  “You don’t say?” said Loren.

  They plodded on in silence for a while, the soft paf of their footsteps swallowed by the fog.

  “So what the fonk are we doing here?” asked Mech. “You just said yourself, this is a bad idea.”

  “Yeah, but it’s the only idea we’ve got,” said Cal. “The council has a plan. They made a pretty compelling case. I’ll talk to it, make the offer, then we’ll play it by ear.”

  “What’s the offer?” asked Loren.

  Cal squirmed. “Uh, probably best if I don’t say it yet.” He gestured around them. “It could be listening. I want to do it, like, face to face, or whatever. Trust me.”

  Loren shot him a quizzical look. “You keep saying that. That we should trust you.”

  “Well, you should,” said Cal. “Seriously, this is all going to be fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”

  He stopped as the wall of orange parted before them, revealing a wide clearing in the cloud.

  A head floated in the center of the clearing. It was a large head, stretching maybe twenty feet from pointy chin to bulging forehead. It was made of the same orange cloud, but more densely packed together, giving the impression it was almost solid.

  The head’s perfectly round, stupidly large eyes glared at Cal and the others with such intensity they were physically pushed back a full step.

  “Who dares approach the great Ikumordo?” the head demanded in a voice like a tropical storm. “Speak. Explain. Or be destroyed!”

  “OK, maybe worry a little bit about that guy,” said Cal. “But otherwise, this is all going great!”

  CHAPTER NINE

  The ominous floating head watched impassively as Cal approached, Mech and Loren striding along on either side.

  “Hi there! Ikumordo?” Cal said. “I’ll be honest, no one told me you’d be a big head. That is pretty cool. Don’t you think, guys?”

  “Yeah,” said Mech, although he sounded unconvinced. “Fonking awesome.”

  “And he’s not easily impressed, so that’s saying something,” said Cal. He gestured around at the empty space in the cloud. “Nice place you’ve got here. Homely.”

  Ikumordo’s voice boomed from every direction at once. “What manner of creature are you?”

  “Which one?” asked Cal. “Me? I’m a human. I’m from Earth. You know, that planet you’re about to eat? Which is why we’re here, actually.”

  He looked down at his feet, flexed his fingers a few times, then took a deep breath before looking up again. “See, I’ve been asked to make you an offer. You know, like a deal.”

  “Ikumordo does not make deals.”

  “Yeah, well, at least listen to it. I mean, it’s not like you’re in a rush. Earth’s not going anywhere, am I right?”

  There was a long, lingering silence. Loren sidled closer to Cal.

  “This isn’t working,” she whispered.

  “Trust me,” said Cal.

  “There you go again,” Loren muttered, and then the thunder of Ikumordo’s voice drowned out whatever she said next.

  “Then speak.”

  “OK, great. You won’t regret this,” said Cal. He glanced at the others, then drew in a breath. “See, the thing is, while I’m sure you’re a nice… big space thing, and don’t mean to do any harm, when you eat a planet, it’s really not good for the people living there. Like really not good. They die, basically. And probably not in very nice ways. Now, I’m not pointing fingers here, you probably didn’t know that was the case, but—”

  “I knew. Ikumordo knows all.”

  “Oh,” said Cal, running out of steam a little. “Oh. Right. I see.” He shrugged. “Well, anyway, I’ve recently been approached by a group of individuals gathered from different dimensions – parallel universes, or whatever – and they’re concerned that, by eating Earth, you’ll kill an infinite number of innocent people. Which, and I think you’ll feel the same way, seems like a lot.”

  Ikumordo didn’t respond. Its wide eyes continued to stare.

  Cal swallowed. “So, see, they asked me to make an offer. A trade. My entire universe, in return for the safety of every other Earth.”

  “What?” said Loren, turning sharply. “That’s the deal?”

  Cal ignored her. “They want me to suggest that you eat this whole universe – every last corner – and leave all the other Earths in the other dimensions alone.”

  “Oh, you have got to be fonking kidding me,” growled Mech, his fingers balling into fists.

  “Cal, no, you can’t do this,” said Loren. “I mean… You can’t.”

  Ikumordo’s voice was as bone-shaking as ever, but there was a hint of something like intrigue in there, too. “This is your offer? This is the deal you wish to make with Ikumordo?”

  Cal raised a finger. “Not exactly,” he said. “See, those guys I told you about, that’s the offer they wanted me to make, and they were pretty persuasive, to their credit. But that’s not the offer I’m actually making. The offer I’m making is this.”

  He took a step closer to Ikumordo’s floating head. “Turn around. Fly away. Leave my planet alone, and I’ll let you live.”

  Ikumordo’s eyes became even wider, before its features tightened into a frown. “You dare threaten me?”

  “Hey!” said Cal, grinning. “Threaten? No. I’m not threatening anyone. I’m just offering a deal. A trade. You leave, and in return, I let you live.” His smile fell away. “But I suggest you take it, because I
can guarantee that it’s the best offer you’re going to get, you world-killing piece of shizz.”

  He clenched his fists, getting agitated. “You think you can come here to my solar system and mess with my home planet? Not going to happen, cloud boy. So you can turn around, fly on out of here, and never look back,” – he straightened his shoulders and puffed out his chest – “or you’re going to have us to answer to. We’re Space Team, shizznod, and we don’t stand for—”

  Twin blasts of purple lightning exploded from Ikumordo’s eyes. Cal yelped and slapped at his legs as the bottom of his pants went up in flames.

  “Ooh, that backfired, didn’t it?” he said, shooting Mech and Loren a worried glance.

  “What?” Mech spluttered. “That was the plan? Threaten it?”

  “Well, it was my plan, not really the plan,” Cal admitted.

  More lightning erupted from Ikumordo’s eyes. It licked across Mech’s metal frame, briefly lighting him up like a Kroyshuk tree. “Ow! Fonking fonking shizz fonk!” Mech hissed.

  “Eloquent as ever, Mech,” said Cal. He glanced between the cyborg and Loren, then up at Ikumordo. The head was growing larger, the face now twisted into an impossible scowl.

  “What do we think? Run away?” Cal said. Ikumordo’s mouth opened, revealing a swirling vortex of fire within. “Yeah, I think running away.”

  “I fonking hate you, man,” Mech said through gritted teeth. “Whatever happens, I want you to know that.”

  “Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind,” said Cal. He spun on the spot, drawing the two blaster pistols that had been tucked into his belt. He opened fire on Ikumordo, but the energy bolts passed straight through the head as if it wasn’t there. “Yeah, thought that might happen,” Cal admitted, then he turned on his heels and ran.

  Shapes emerged from the fog around them as Cal, Mech and Loren raced back towards the Untitled. The shapes were vaguely humanoid, and lurched out of the cloud like clockwork soldiers, their wispy limbs becoming more solid with each step.

  “I can’t believe you got us here so you could threaten a god!” Loren cried, ducking as one of the figures made a grab for her.

  “I wasn’t threatening. That was, like, mild sass-talk at worst,” said Cal. He swung a punch at another of the soldiers and discovered it was more solid than it looked. Something in his hand went crack, but the cloud figure barely flinched.

  He grimaced, then blasted a couple of the cloud men in the chest. They exploded into vapor, then immediately began to reform.

  “Besides, would you have preferred me to go with the other plan?” asked Cal, firing wildly ahead to clear a path through the closing throngs of soldiers. “You know, the plan in which the entire universe gets eaten?”

  Mech’s fist smashed through the head of another of the clawing figures, disintegrating it. Almost as soon as it had been destroyed, though, it began to grow back. “What the fonk are these things?” he grunted.

  “I’m thinking ‘bad guys,’” said Cal. “You know, what with the way they’re all trying to attack us.”

  He ducked another grasping pair of arms, blasted the thing’s upper body into water droplets, then pushed on. The Untitled was just ahead, but there was a dozens-deep wall of fog-folk blocking the path.

  “Shizz,” said Loren, pulling her own blaster. She picked off a couple, but they were reforming faster than ever now, sprouting new heads and forming new torsos almost instantly.

  “Mech!” said Cal. “Arm guns would be nice.”

  “They ain’t online yet,” Mech said. “I hadn’t finished hooking everything back together.”

  “What?” Cal spluttered. “Why not?”

  “Because fonk you, that’s why not! How was I supposed to know you were going to drag us into this shizz?”

  “OK, fair point, well made,” said Cal. He and the others were completely encircled by the heaving mass of cloud people now. Their wispy softness had become a crystalline solidity. Their skin – or whatever it was – sparkled like gemstones as they moved in for the kill.

  And then the world was filled with fire and noise and bits of flying fog-person as the Currently Untitled opened fire. Half a dozen beams of white light sliced through the crowds, carving a path straight through. Cal, Loren and Mech dashed along it, ducked under the Untitled, and made their way to the ramp.

  Once aboard, Mech slammed the button to close the hatch, and clanked through to the bridge, where Cal and Loren were already strapping themselves into their seats.

  “I told you!” Miz said, scowling. “I told you this was a totally bad idea, but you didn’t listen.”

  “Hmm?” said Cal. “Sorry, wasn’t listening. Nice shooting, Kevin!”

  “Thank you, sir,” said Kevin. “I try. Really, it was a simple case of projecting the movements of the individual attackers, then formulating—”

  “That’s great, Kev, now shut up,” said Cal. “We need to get out of here, right now.”

  “Very good, sir,” said Kevin. The Untitled hummed as the engines fired up, then shuddered as it lurched backwards off the cloud platform.

  Lightning flashed in the orange haze all around them, casting sinister shadows across the bridge. Miz looked around anxiously, and Cal felt Splurt roll himself up against the back of his legs, and sit there, shivering.

  “I don’t like this,” Miz whispered.

  The Untitled rocked as lightning stabbed at its hull. “Not exactly loving every minute of it, either, ma’am,” Kevin intoned. “If that’s any consolation?”

  The ship jerked violently, throwing everyone forward in their chairs. Even Mech staggered, before his magnetic feet re-engaged and snapped him to a stop.

  “Tractor beam!” Loren announced. “It’s holding us.”

  “Kevin, shoot that thing. Blast us free,” Cal ordered.

  “Can’t, sir,” said Kevin. “Weapons are non-responsive. Whatever it’s holding us with, it’s blocking access to the ship’s functions.”

  “What? No! We have to get away from it,” cried Miz. “We can’t stay here. We can’t die here!”

  “The doohickey!” said Cal. “The dimension things. Mech!”

  Mech frowned. “What?”

  “The doohickey.”

  “What about it?”

  “Have you got it?”

  Mech’s frown became a full-blown scowl. “What? No! Why the fonk would I have it? You had it!”

  Cal shook his head. “No, I gave it to you. Or Loren? Loren, did I give it to…?” He held up a hand. “Oh, wait, no, sorry. I have it. I thought it was in the other pocket.”

  “Just hurry up and use it!” said Loren, as another fork of lightning stabbed at them from above.

  The doohickey had just one trigger. Cal pulled it, and a sheen of rapidly crystalizing white bloomed across the viewscreen like frost.

  Everything changed in an instant. The white reached the point of full coverage, then was gone, replaced by a cream-colored sky and, quite a long way down, the ground.

  Suddenly free of the tractor beam, the Currently Untitled shot upwards and backwards, weaving erratically as Kevin tried to bring the ship back under control. From somewhere above them came a low, slightly rubbery thoink, like someone slapping a waterbed. The sky around them rippled and wobbled, then the Untitled rebounded and fell into an out-of-control plunge.

  As the ship listed sideways, Cal saw several members of the Carver Council scattering for cover. Unfortunately, most of the cover available was in the form of flimsy tents, and was unlikely to offer much in the way of protection from a large spaceship falling out of the sky.

  “Kevin, pull us up!” said Cal, gripping his arm rests. “We’re going to kill all the other mes. And probably this me, too.”

  “Trying, sir, but we have a power glitch. Attempting to reroute thrusters.”

  “Kevin!” Loren cried, as the ground spiraled towards them.

  “Now,” chimed Kevin, and the Untitled came to a deeply uncomfortable stop in mid-air. Cal’s spine brie
fly compacted, taking a couple of inches off his height, before springing back to its normal shape and length again.

  The ship’s nose lifted, bringing the Untitled onto an even keel.

  “Want me to take us down?” Loren asked.

  “Uh, like, no,” said Miz. “Kevin’s got it.”

  “Well, he did just almost kill everyone, so…” Loren’s hands went to the controls, but before she could use them, the Untitled touched down on the grass.

  “No need, ma’am,” Kevin chimed. “We’re back on solid ground. No need for you to get involved.”

  “Great,” said Loren, releasing her grip on the joystick. “Seriously, that’s… That’s great.”

  Through the viewscreen, Cal saw Carver Two and a phalanx of other alternates approaching. They stopped thirty or so feet from the ship, and Two stood his staff beside him in a way that suggested he was already growing impatient.

  Cal waved, then remembered it was a screen, not a window, and nobody could see him. “Probably best if you leave the talking to me,” he said, unclipping his belt and standing up.

  “What are you going to tell them?” asked Loren.

  “The truth,” Cal said. “Or, you know, maybe a lie. I haven’t actually decided yet. Let’s just wing it, and see what happens. Kevin, the scanners get anything interesting I can give them?”

  “Not really, sir,” Kevin said. “It’s all rather bewildering, if I’m honest. Lots of data, but none of it making any sense.”

  “Shizz,” Cal muttered. “I was hoping we’d find something useful.”

  “There is one thing, sir,” said Kevin. “Although the data I’ve gathered is all quite nonsensical, it’s nonsensical in a very structured sort of way.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning… I don’t know, sir. Perhaps that Ikumordo is deliberately trying to hide something from us. Perhaps the data I’ve collected isn’t gibberish, but is merely encrypted.”

  “Right,” said Cal. “But either way, we know nothing, right?”

  “I’m afraid that is the case, sir, yes.”