by Jennie Liu
I go to her and crouch next to the chair. “Ma, there’s a chance we’ll get her back. I called a private detective. That’s who I was talking to. He’s gone after them. He’ll find them.”
Her face is a mess. “A detective! What about Yong? What will happen to him?”
I bite my lips. “Maybe . . .” I think about saying that maybe the detective will just collect the baby and let Yun and Yong go free. But I don’t want Yong to go free. And I doubt he will after what he’s done. I can’t give Ma false hope. “Ma, the important thing is that he’ll bring Chun back to us. Let’s just think about the baby.”
I keep repeating this, trying to calm her, convince her. Convince myself. Finally I say, “It’s late. You should try to get some sleep. We’ll know more in the morning.” I help her into bed. As I pile on the covers, she looks at my arms, still slightly red where she hit me. Her face crumbles again and she grasps my hands, then starts rubbing my arms. Her hands are warm against my cold, goose-fleshed skin.
“Luli, forgive me. I shouldn’t have done that. I wasn’t thinking.” Her tears have slowed but are still leaking down her face. “You’re trying to help. I know that. You’re a good girl.”
Nobody’s called me that in a long, long time. I hold in a sob.
Ma eventually falls asleep, but I can’t. I stay at the table clutching my phone, hoping and not hoping for a call from Mr. Xiang, worrying about what I may have done to Yun. Will he arrest her? Maybe he won’t find them. But then Chun would be lost to us. Maybe she’ll go to a good home . . .
I’m twisted in knots wondering if I did the right thing. Every scenario crosses my mind. Maybe Yong tricked Yun into going with him. Does he plan on selling her as well? In my heart, I know that Yun chose to go, to get the money. I truly don’t believe she means to stay with Yong, but I am sure she’s in danger.
I see now that Yun will always be reckless, and maybe it’s better that the baby goes to someone else. But it’s too late to undo the call to Mr. Xiang. Too late to do anything but wait and see what happens next.
My knuckle is raw from where I’ve been digging my teeth into it. I’m longing to talk to someone. Impulsively, I scroll for Ming’s number and push the call button. The phone rings four times before he answers. “Hello?” His voice is gravelly from sleep, and I remember that it’s the middle of the night.
“Ming. It’s Luli,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, it’s so late. I didn’t think. Go back to sleep.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing, nothing.” Regret rushes over me. I lied to him about Chun being his so that he would help us get here. Before, I thought I was being strong in a desperate situation, but now I see that I was weak to use him. He’s done so much, and I owe it to him to tell him the truth, but I know that now isn’t the time. I hope I can make things right with him. When all this is over, I’ll try, but right now there’s too much to explain.
I push down my upset and try to sound normal. “I just wanted to hear your voice, but I didn’t think about the time. Go back to sleep. Call me tomorrow.”
I click off, feeling hollow inside. I’m wrung out with trying to fix this awful situation. Even stronger than the guilt about lying to Ming is the worry over what I’ve done to Yun. As messed up as she is, she’s like family to me, and now, I may be sending her to prison. I never intended that. She doesn’t deserve that. But I can’t see any way to stop it.
Chapter 34
Yun
I stumble frantically out of the stall shop. By the time I reach the lane, Yong has already rounded a bend, leaving behind only a spray of dust and the distant rumble of the engine. I open my mouth to shout after him, but only a huff comes out. I feel as if I’ve been punched.
I look at the four yuan I clutch in my hand. All the money I have left.
“What are you looking for?” shouts a woman squatting at the back of the shop, pulling cans out of a cardboard box.
Formula. I think of the baby’s pale lips. I curse Yong under my breath. If the baby dies . . . My head begins to pound. To drive out the thought, I grab fistfuls of my hair close to the scalp at my temples and tug. Babies can be tough little things, I tell myself. It will take more than just one day. This I know from the Institute.
“What’s the matter?” The woman eyes me as she dusts the cans with a cloth and sets them on an already crowded shelf.
I don’t know how to answer. I’m hurt. I ran away. I tried to sell my baby. I was tricked. My baby has been kidnapped. I want to go home. I have no home.
I only ask, “Is there a bus station?”
“Not in this village, but in the next town over.” She waves her cloth to her left. “About four miles. Where are you going?”
I hesitate. I see myself showing up at Ma’s, alone, without the baby. Luli will give me that cold, bitter stare so unlike her, and Ma will scream and scream at me. But it’s the only place to go. And maybe I can at least get Luli away from there before Yong comes back and tries to take her too.
Chapter 35
Luli
When I hear a faint knock, I drop the knife on top of the cabbage I’m chopping for dinner and shoot across the room. I fling the door open, expecting Mr. Xiang, but instead it’s Ming, giving me a hesitant half-smile.
The disappointment stings like a cut, and when Ming’s smile vanishes, I’m aware that it shows on my face. But I am pleased to see Ming. I quickly rearrange my expression. “What are you doing here? It’s so good to see you!” I gush as I pull him inside and shut the door.
He takes off his gloves, tucks them under his arm, and rubs his hands together to warm them. “My cousin brought me.” He looks over my head, sees Ma, and gives her a polite nod. “You sounded so strange last night.”
I feel a rush of tears springing up, the strain from the last few days about to spill out like an over-boiling pot.
Ma pushes up next to me. “Who’s this?”
I put my hands up to my face, unable to speak.
“I’m Ming.” He pastes a smile on his face. “Luli’s friend from Gujiao. We work together.” His voice falters, and I figure he’s anxious because as far as he knows, he’s Chun’s father.
Ma’s face falls. She goes back to the table and mechanically starts chopping again. Her lined face seems even more sagging and old than usual.
Ming lowers his voice. “Come outside. My cousin said he’ll find a place to wait in the village center. You can walk over with me.”
I hesitate, not wanting to leave in case Mr. Xiang shows up. But I nod and put my coat on. “I’m just going out for a minute,” I tell Ma. She doesn’t even look up.
Outside, the air is sharp and as raw as a slap, but the wind has died down. After the dimness of Ma’s house, my eyes take a minute to adjust to the white brightness of the sky. When they do, I sweep my gaze to both ends of the lane, hoping for any sign of Mr. Xiang. All the brick houses are closed up tight against the cold, red couplets are pasted on the doors and windows, and tattered firecracker refuse litters the ground. “I can’t go all the way to the village center with you,” I say to Ming. “Can we talk here?”
“I understand,” Ming answers, though he really doesn’t. He steps closer to me. The bulk of him in his coat takes some of the keenness out of the cold. “You sounded so awful on the phone last night. When you called me, I thought . . . I guess I hoped you forgave me.”
My heart squeezes. I want to explain the lie I told him, but my mind stumbles over where to start—how much to tell him about Yong, Yun, the baby sold, Mr. Xiang. He hasn’t even asked about Chun.
“I’m sorry for the way I talked to you about Yun,” Ming says. “At first I was mad when she got together with Yong, and I took that out on you. But now I don’t care. It’s you I care about.” He gazes at me softly. “You were so isolated in that orphanage, I’m afraid that you’re going to . . . get taken advantage of. Look at what happened to Yun.” He averts his eyes and sighs. He must be thinking that her situation—fired, with a baby—
is his fault. “Not that you’re anything like Yun. It’s just that it’s . . . harder . . . more coldhearted outside.”
“But Ming, there was nothing but coldheartedness at the Institute. That’s why Yun is the way she is. I am different because I didn’t start out there like she did. That’s why I couldn’t give up on her.” Couldn’t, meaning I have now.
His head drops and he studies the ground. He rubs what’s left of a popper with his shoe. “Well, I’m sorry about Yun and me,” he mutters. “I wish it had never happened.”
He helped her get a position, helped both of us find jobs. I would probably be working in the Institute if he hadn’t helped us. I can’t wish it never happened. My stomach hurts. I have to tell him that I tricked him.
“You look so miserable.” He reaches a hand up to my face and strokes my cheek.
I feel like crying. “I’m the one who should be sorry.” I take a deep breath. “You may not be Chun’s father. Yun doesn’t know whether she’s yours or Yong’s. I told you that you were the father so you would help us. I’m so sorry I lied to you.”
He lets his hand fall to his side. “Shit!” I watch as the look on his face goes from confusion, to astonishment, to . . . relief?
He cracks an openmouthed grin. White puffs of breath come out of his mouth in the cold. “Ha! I’ll bet it isn’t mine. I’m sure Yun is lying about not knowing whose it is.” He flings his hand up in the air. “Luli, it’s fine! I don’t care! I don’t care about the baby. I came here for you.” He moves forward to close the gap between us, but I step back.
“What do you mean you don’t care about the baby? What if it is yours?”
“It’s not! You know Yun. But it doesn’t matter. If Yong’s ma wants it, she can keep it.”
It hits me again that not once has he asked about Chun. I’ve been so torn up about lying to him that I didn’t let it sink in. But now I’m beginning to see that he never had any feeling for Chun, even when he thought she was his. Chun isn’t related to me at all, yet I’d still do anything to protect her. Ming hasn’t been damaged the way Yun has. He’s got no excuse for being this—this—coldhearted.
“Come back to Gujiao with me,” Ming says. “My cousin is waiting with the car. You’ve done so much for Yun already, more than she deserves. Now you can put all this behind you and we can be together.” He reaches his hands out to me.
I put my own hands behind my back.
He cocks his head at me. “Luli?”
A week ago I wanted so badly to be with him, to hear him tell me that he cared for me. But now all I can think is that I’m needed here, and he will never understand why.
I back away, slowly shaking my head. “You can go home now. Don’t worry about me anymore. I’ll be fine.”
Confusion sweeps back across his face, along with something harder. “What? I came all the way out here and you’re sending me away, just like that? After everything I’ve done for you?”
I bite my lip. “That’s exactly why I’m asking you to leave. I’m grateful for all your help, but I can’t take any more favors from you. I have to handle things on my own now.”
My feelings are churning in a way I can’t describe, but I turn and walk back inside, knowing I won’t be sorry.
Chapter 36
Yun
I hurt so much that it takes more than two hours to walk to the next town. The blood flow that had started to slow the last couple days has turned heavy again, but I have several pads in my purse. I’m hungry, but I don’t dare spend what little money I have. I want to make sure I have enough to buy the bus ticket.
When I finally get to the station, I find I can only afford to get to a town called Dusty Mountain. I’ll have to walk the rest of the way to Ma’s. But I’m lucky, because there’s enough change from the ticket to buy a few buns, and I don’t have to wait long for the bus. I sleep the whole way to Dusty Mountain.
At the next station, the ticket agent shows me the map and points to the towns and villages I’ll pass on the way to Yellow Grain Village. He thinks it’s eleven or twelve miles to get there and warns me that the roads are hilly.
I start walking in the midafternoon. The sun shines more brightly here in the countryside, and by this time of day, it’s lowering in the hills and streaming directly into my eyes. I trudge along the road, glad of the numbing cold. Few people are out. Near the villages, ruddy-cheeked children gawk at me. Occasionally, I stop and ask for water. Someone runs inside and returns to hand me a cup.
I remember Ma saying there were no more young women in the countryside. All gone to work in the cities. I guess the ones I see now have returned for the holiday.
Ma really has been good to me. And Luli too. What did she say to me? We’ve grown up together. We’re like sisters. I think about calling them, but I’m too scared. How would I explain myself? What would I say? The baby will be better off? Likely she will. But I did a terrible thing to Ma and Luli. I probably shouldn’t go back there. Chances are Ma will throw me out. Luli won’t talk to me. I wouldn’t blame them.
I wish I could go straight to Gujiao, but I have no money to get there. And I have to at least warn Luli about Yong. He’ll want to get her next.
My mind jumps around like a faulty light bulb with all sorts of thoughts—lost money, fury at Yong, what I should do—but I just keep moving.
By dusk I know I won’t make it to Yellow Grain Village tonight. Because of the cold no one is out, so it’s easy to slip into a shed that stinks of animals and manure. Several goats are piled together, sleeping. For a moment, I imagine curling up against them for their heat, but I’m too scared to get near them. Instead, I go to a corner and pile straw on top of myself.
Luli would love those goats.
The goats ignore me until just before dawn, when they come over to nudge and sniff at me. I slip out of the shed and continue plodding toward Yellow Grain Village.
Chapter 37
Luli
As soon as I step back into Ma’s, the pressure of waiting descends on me again.
Mr. Xiang doesn’t call or show up all day. I fight with giving up hope. Ma is moody and anxious.
Four more days before I have to return to the factory. I’ll have to answer for my absences before the Spring Festival. Bus tickets need to be bought, but I don’t know how I can leave Yellow Grain Village if there’s no news before then. I listen for sounds in the lane through Ma’s rough, wooden walls. I’ve come to know every drop of a plastic bucket, every cluck of a stray hen, every cough of the old neighbor as he treads to the toilet.
Strangely, I don’t hear the footsteps outside before the latch on the handle clunks and the door rasps open. Ma and I both flinch in surprise when Yun comes through and closes the door. She sinks back against it as if she can no longer hold herself up. Her coat is brown with dirt, her face drained deathly white.
Ma and I both jump up.
“You stupid girl! Stupid, stupid!” Ma bolts to Yun and grabs her by the coat. “Where is she? What have you done?”
Yun closes her eyes and turns her face away. She seems to shrink into the door.
Ma squeezes Yun’s shoulders until she opens her eyes. “Where’s Yong? Where are they?”
Yun swallows dryly. “He took her.” Her voice is hoarse and she struggles to get the words out. “Left me when I went to buy her milk.”
Ma lets go of her and recoils, a disbelieving, pained expression on her face.
Yun is already turning to me. “Luli, we have to get out of here. He wants to sell you too. When he comes back he’s going to try to trick you into going with him, or else just kidnap you outright.”
I don’t respond—can’t speak. My brain can’t keep up with what’s happening.
“How can you say these things?” cries Ma.
Something flashes in Yun’s eyes. “It’s the truth! I know he’s your son, but this is who he is! This is what he does!” She wheels back toward me, desperate. “Luli, we have to go. We have to get back to the city. We’ll
both get new jobs so Yong won’t know where to find us. We’ll blend in with all the other factory girls, and he won’t be able to—to—” She looks as if she’s on the verge of passing out.
“Enough of this!” Ma snaps. “You’re in no shape to go anywhere! And you’re talking nonsense. You need to rest.” Even now, after everything Yun’s put us through, Ma is still trying to take care of her.
“Luli,” Yun says.
I take a deep breath. It’s not that I don’t believe what she’s saying about Yong. But I can’t leave yet. Not until I hear from Mr. Xiang. I can’t give up on Chun yet. “Ma’s right,” I say to Yun. “You should rest. We’ll talk about this more tomorrow.”
Yun’s whole body sags with exhaustion—with despair. I debate telling her about Mr. Xiang. I don’t know if she cares whether Chun is returned, or if I even care how she feels about it. As for what will happen to her when Mr. Xiang finds out that she helped Yong—I’ve been torn in half with worry over it, but now I just feel numb. Yun chose to do this. For money, even though I promised to help her pay off the birth fines. For convenience, even though Ma and I would’ve happily shared the burden of caring for Chun. Yun’s world starts and ends with Yun. Mine has revolved around her for too long.
Although I’ve said that we’re like family, a part of me has hardened to her.
Yun staggers toward a chair and buckles into it. “I’m sorry, Ma,” she whispers roughly. She turns her eyes to me. “So sorry.”
***
The next morning, I see that Yun has crawled into the bed with me. Her hair is flung out, and at the nape of her neck, I can see the thin and bare patches where she’s been picking and picking. When I try to climb over her, she wakes up and follows me out of bed. Silently we make Ma tea. Yun helps to set out the cups without my asking. Ma drinks it, and when Yun and I start making breakfast, Ma shoos us out of the way and fixes it herself, her tears falling into the millet soup.
