Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  I’m nodding at him, smiling as I lean in and kiss him again.

  “Well, I wanna take this slow, okay?” he says, gently pushing me back so he can look at me again. “I want to enjoy this first time with you.”

  I bite my bottom lip as I swallow hard at the words he’s saying to me. Even in the dark, I can see how amazing he looks. He’s getting bigger, his arms and shoulders bulking up with the muscle he’s gaining from all the training he’s been doing. He runs and lifts weights nearly every day and it’s really starting to show. His shoulders and chest are hard and sculpted, tight muscle all the way down to his flat, smooth abs which form a perfect V at his waist. He’s delicious and I can’t help licking my lips as I take in the sight of him.

  Ben smiles up at me, not at all shy as he watches me blatantly checking him out. Neither of us has ever really been shy with each other, but especially lately. Because being together has always felt like the most natural thing in the world to us. I feel nothing but beautiful when I’m with Ben, because he looks at me like I am the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

  I watch as he leans in and presses a kiss between my breasts. His lips are soft, his breath warm, and a soft moan escapes from his throat. My fingers slide into his damp hair, tightening their grip as I pull him against me. Ben’s arms wrap around my waist now and he falls backwards onto his bed, taking me with him so I’m lying on top of him, our bare chests pressed together. My heart is pounding, and so is his. I can feel it beating against my own, mirroring all of the want and desire and lust I feel for this man.

  But it’s so much more than that. It’s everything he’s ever done for me, not just tonight, but every night I’ve known him. It’s all the love he’s ever given me, but especially the love he gave me tonight when he did what he did. And it’s the times he’s waited for me, the times I hope he keeps waiting for me. Whether he knows it or not, Ben’s saved me more times than I can remember and I can’t imagine my life without him in it. I don’t want to even think about a time when he might not be here for me to find.

  “Evie, fuck, you’re gorgeous, baby,” Ben whispers against my skin, his lips pressing soft kisses down my neck.

  He rolls us over so he’s lying half on top of me, and I take the opportunity to undo the button and zip of his jeans. We’re reaching the point of where we’d normally get interrupted, only this time we both know it isn’t going to happen. Instead, Ben undoes my jeans too and pushes them over my hips. I arch up so he can get them off and when he’s done, he pushes his own jeans down his legs and I hear them land in a heap on the floor. Both of us are almost naked, only one more piece of clothing to go.

  I open my eyes and find Ben looking down at me, a half smile on his face as he asks one more time. “You’re really sure?”

  My fingers brush his hair back and I know that if I said no, Ben would stop, without hesitation, without complaint. But I don’t want to say no, so I slide my hand to the back his neck and bring his mouth back to mine. “I’m definitely sure, Ben.”

  And then his fingers are sliding my knickers over my hips and down my legs. My hands are in his boxers too, doing the same thing, only with a lot more urgency and a lot less finesse. As we lie with our rain-dampened skin pressed against each other, Ben continues to kiss me, one arm under my neck, the other curled around my head. I’m completely enclosed in Ben’s body, his smell and his warmth surrounding me. There is nowhere else I’d rather be.

  I slide my foot up his leg and drape it over his hips as I hold him tighter against me. Ben moans again and my body arches into his as though I have no control over it.

  “Evie,” he whispers between kisses, his fingers tightening in my hair.

  “Mmmm,” is all I can get out at the moment.

  My heart is pounding and my whole body feels like it’s floating, as though it would float away if he wasn’t holding on to me. And that’s how it’s always been, Ben, holding on to me. No matter how many times I change or disappear, he’s always here, waiting for me to find him again, waiting to hold on to me once more, both of us hoping that next time, I won’t go anywhere.

  He is my anchor, my rock and now, more than anything, I want him.

  I want Ben like I’ve never wanted him before.

  “Are you okay?” he suddenly asks me, his forehead resting on mine.

  I open my eyes and for just a second, we stare at each, not smiling, not saying anything. “I’m perfect, Ben,” I whisper.

  “Yeah, Evie,” he says smiling at me. “You sure are,” he adds before kissing me again.

  Our kisses are much more intense now, harder and laced with desire and want and a sense of urgency. A sense of urgency brought on by our separation and by what happened tonight, but also by what we know will happen in the future. I don’t want to lose any more time with Ben.

  My body starts to hum as Ben’s kisses only intensify. He’s pushing hard against me now and I can feel just how turned on he is. I already feel like I’m going to combust and I dig my fingers into his back, into his heated skin in a silent plea for him to take this further.

  He gets it, and I smile as Ben lifts his head and reaches over to grab a condom from the top drawer of his bedside table. I don’t even want to think about why he has them, whether he’s ever done this before. Right now, is just about Ben and me, about my first time with Ben. And as he holds the foil packet between his teeth and rips it open, he never once takes his eyes off me.

  And I can’t take mine off him either, watching his every move as he pulls the condom from the wrapper, rolls off me and puts it on. He glances up at me again and I smile at him, having absolutely no second thoughts or doubts about this. Ben smiles back as he moves beside me again, looking down at me, but not saying anything.

  “What?” I ask him, when he doesn’t move.

  His fingers gently brush down my cheek; over the bruise my latest mother gave me. He leans in to press an incredibly soft kiss against it before whispering, “I love you so much, Evie. You know that, right?”

  I cup his cheek in my hand, forcing him to meet my eyes. “Yeah, Ben, I know.”

  He smiles at me again before he lowers his whole body gently on to mine, covering me in his weight and his warmth. My legs fall open without hesitation and he fits perfectly between them, not yet inside, but resting against me.

  “I love you, baby,” he whispers again as he eases up and slowly slides into me, a soft moan falling from his lips as he does.

  My breath catches as I feel a sudden, sharp pain, but then it’s gone and all I can feel is the closeness of Ben, the fullness of Ben inside me. He doesn’t move and I feel my whole body tighten, testing out how he feels, how we feel together like this.

  “Are you okay?” he whispers as he kisses me gently.

  “Yes,” I tell him, my arms wrapping around his shoulders as he slowly pulls out and slides into me again. This time we both moan and the feeling is exquisite. I’ve never felt this close to Ben before, this intimate, and this connected with him. I never knew it could be like this.

  “You feel amazing, Evie,” Ben whispers, still moving slowly inside me as his fingers move from my hair, down my body and between us. He starts to touch me like he’s done only once before. His fingers pushing against my jeans as we lay on his bed, half dressed and taking things further than we ever had. But this time, we are both completely naked, completely exposed to each other and I can already feel my body tensing in anticipation. He somehow knows exactly how to touch me, only now, with him moving inside me, the whole sensation feels a thousand times more intense, a million times better.

  “Ben,” I cry out, my voice a loud whisper against the rain, that he smothers with his mouth. He kisses me hard as though he’s feeling everything I’m feeling right now. As he starts to move faster, his fingers touching me with a little more force, I feel myself starting to come undone.

  My whole body feels hot, a thin layer of sweat covering my skin and Ben’s. The only sounds in the room are our deep breaths
, the occasional moan and the sounds of our bodies moving against each other. And it’s all wrapped up in the heavy rain that still continues to fall.

  “Evie, I’m gonna come,” Ben whispers against my mouth and I know with those words, I’m going to, too. And it’s as though Ben senses how close I am because he starts to move faster, with his fingers, his body and his kisses. The next thing I know my whole body is shattering around me as Ben pushes deep inside me, deeper than before and moans loudly.

  My arms tighten around his back as Ben collapses on top of me, his face pressed against my neck. I can feel his hard breaths, lips kissing and nibbling my skin, the gentle scrape of his stubble as it brushes against me. He never shaves much now that he’s finished school and he loves rubbing his whiskers against me, making me squeal and laugh. I’m not laughing now though. Right now I feel like I’m floating and as I tighten my arms and legs around Ben’s body, I realise that I don’t ever want to let this man go.

  “I’m so glad you came home early,” I whisper in his ear, my breathing hard and my heart still pounding as I press a kiss to his cheek.

  Ben lifts his head and looks at me in a way I’ve never seen before. His eyes are pools of blackness, nearly all of the blue gone as he stares down at me which so much love it makes my heart flip inside my chest. “Me too, baby,” he whispers before leaning in to softly kiss my lips now.

  Eventually, Ben rolls off me and I immediately miss the closeness of him. As he gets rid of the condom, I shiver from the coolness of the air on my heated skin. The rain has finally stopped, but the sky is still black with clouds. Ben wraps the duvet around us; pulling me into his arms and against his hard, warm body.

  “Did it hurt?” he eventually asks, his fingers gently stroking my hair and all the way down to my waist as he pulls me against him.

  My right cheek is resting on his chest, my fingers tracing the lines of muscle on his ribs, causing goose bumps to spring up. I press a kiss to his nipple and hear him groan. “No, not really,” I tell him. “Just right at the start, but after that it felt amazing.”

  Ben’s hand finds my chin and tilts my face up so I’m looking at him. “It felt pretty amazing for me too,” he says, leaning in to kiss the end of my nose.

  I swallow, open my mouth and hear the words come out before I can stop them. “Have you ever done that before?”

  Ben’s head pulls back, a surprised look crossing his face. “No, of course not, Evie. Why, have you?”

  I shake my head, sliding my body up his, so my head is propped up in my hand, and I’m leaning over him, looking into his eyes. “This was my first time, Ben,” I tell him. “I’ve always wanted my first time to be with you.”

  He smiles up me now, his fingers tucking strands of hair behind my ear. “Me too, Evie, me too. I’ve only ever been with you and I only ever want to be with you. You know that.”

  “Yeah,” I say, knowing this is the truth.

  “Why would you even think I’d done that before?” Ben asks stretching one arm above his head, the other still wrapped around my waist. “I mean I know it was amazing between us, but really, why’d you think that?”

  I’m watching him now, loving the huge, cocky grin he’s suddenly wearing as he looks up at me with an I am the man expression on his face. I can’t help it as I burst out laughing, pinching his side as he wraps his arm tighter around me and pulls me on top of him, tickling me even as I’m squirming to get away.

  “Why, Evie?” he asks, suddenly serious as both his hands still on my waist and hold me against him. “You know I’m all yours, baby, I told you this.”

  I’m still smiling down at him, knowing of course Ben wouldn’t have been with anyone else. Shrugging, I say, “I don’t know, the condoms I guess.”

  Ben smiles up at me now as he slides his hand into my hair and pulls my mouth back down to his. “I’ve had them for ages, Evie.”

  “You have?” I ask against his lips.

  “Yeah.”

  “Why?”

  Ben laughs against my mouth now. “Because, baby, you’re not the only one who’s been frustrated at every interruption we’ve had, you know.” And then he kisses me and there are no more words left for us to say.

  15th January 1993

  Sixteen years old

  “Stay with me,” Ben whispers as we lie in each other’s arms. It’s only just dawn, but having spent the last few days with the house to ourselves, not only have we barely slept, we haven’t really left Ben’s bed. The only time we have is when Ben’s had to go to work, which is the reason he came home early in the first place, or when I’ve had to go to school. Apart from that, we’ve spent the whole time in his bed.

  I haven’t been home since the night I got hit, since Ben came back and stormed over to yell at my parents. When I haven’t been at school, I’ve come straight back here to do homework or watch TV and wait for Ben. And every night, I’ve stayed over. Spending them wrapped up in Ben’s arms, both of us making the most of this opportunity to learn all the secrets of each other’s body, without any chance of interruption. It’s only gotten better and better and I’m so glad we’ve had this time together. I’m wondering how I’ll possibly be able to go back home tonight and sleep without him.

  “Babe,” he says.

  “Mmm,” I say, knowing there’s nowhere else I want to be right now.

  “I mean it,” he says, his voice like a warm blanket as it wraps around me. “I don’t want you going home. Not tonight when my parents get back, not ever.”

  I snuggle even closer to him as I whisper, “I don’t want to go home tonight either, Ben.” I have no idea if my parents have been looking for me, if they’ve even noticed I’ve been gone, but I really don’t care. Whenever I’m around I’m just another mouth to feed or face to smack. Who knows, maybe they’re glad I’ve disappeared.

  “Evie,” Ben says, his voice firmer. “I mean it. I want you to stay here. I want you to stay when mum and dad get back tonight and I want you to stay when I go to the academy. I want you to stay, permanently.”

  Ben’s words have me suddenly awake and I open my eyes and pull back so we are looking at each other as we lie on the same pillow. “What do you mean?” I ask.

  Ben’s hand reaches out and gently pushes the hair from my face. He leans in and presses a soft kiss to the end of my nose before looking at me, his face serious. “I don’t want you going back there,” he says again, softly touching the fading bruise on my cheek.

  It still hurts a little, but Ben is very gentle. I wonder if my parents’ pride hurt when Ben yelled at them for what she did to me. If it had been my father who hit me, I suspect he’d be wearing a similar looking bruise. But I shudder as I think what Ben would have earned in the process.

  “I don’t ever want you going back there, Evie. I feel sick every time I have to take you back home, knowing I can’t protect you. But after seeing what happened the other night, there’s no way I can let you go back there ever again,” he says, pulling me against him. “If you stay here, I know you’ll be safe and nobody can hurt you.”

  I wrap my arms around Ben’s waist, hugging him tighter than I ever have before. I love this man and every single thing he does for me, has done for me, ever since I was four years old. I recognised it, even back then. Back when I was little Evie Roberts and Ben was still Ben Foster, my protector.

  “How can I do that, Ben?” I ask quietly. “I can’t just live here with your family, they might not want me here, we can’t ask them to do that.”

  “We can,” Ben says firmly, “and we will. Tonight.”

  “Ben…” I say, but he cuts me off.

  “Baby, no. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sleep knowing you are over there, sleeping under the same roof as them. I can’t sleep never knowing what the fuck might happen when I’m not there to look after you. I’ve sat back for too long and I can’t do it anymore. So right now, it’s either you moving in here, or me quitting training, getting a job and us moving in together.”
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  “Ben, no,” I tell him, as I pull back to look at him again.

  “Yes, Evie,” he says softly. “You decide, baby, but those are the only two options. And I’m prepared to do either, okay.”

  “But you… you’ve always wanted to do this,” I say. “You love…” I bite my lip to stop myself from saying anymore.

  “I have,” he says, kissing me quickly. “And I do love it, but I love you more, Eva. I really do.”

  I take a deep breath, staring at Ben as he says these words to me. I know he means them, but I cannot ask him to give this up, not when I know it’s all he’s ever wanted to do. “Don’t quit,” I say quietly, my eyes never leaving his.

  “So you’ll come and live here?” he asks.

  “I don’t know, how are we supposed to explain this to your parents?” I ask. “I’m only sixteen.”

  Ben exhales. “I know, but it’s only another month until you’re seventeen. And they’ll get it, Evie, I promise,” he says, running his fingers down my arm. “They’ve seen the bruises before, they know what’s going on here.”

  My eyes close, my head falling as I try to imagine what Ben’s parents must think of my parents, or worse still, of me.

  “Evie,” he says gently, his fingers tilting my chin so I’m forced to look at him. “It’s going to be okay, I promise. We’ll talk to them tonight, we’ll sort it out.”

  And all I can do is silently nod, hoping that Ben is right. He sighs in relief, pulling me against his chest as he gently kisses my forehead.

  “Thank you, baby,” I hear him whisper.

  28th February 1993

  Seventeen years old

  I wake to Ben’s kisses, to his lips slowly running along my jaw until they reach my mouth.

  “Happy birthday, Evie Wakefield,” he whispers against my lips, making me smile.

  “Mmmm, best birthday ever,” I mumble, stretching beneath him before I wrap my arms around his broad shoulders.