Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  “What?” I ask confused. “The hospital?”

  “Yeah,” Paul breathes out. “The hospital.”

  “What, what’s…what’s wrong,” I stammer. “What happened to him, I thought you said he was okay?”

  Paul speaks but I barely hear it. Instead, there’s a screaming silence on the other end of the phone that is deafening to me. I want to cry and yell and pound the walls in fury. I want to beg Paul to take it all back, to undo these words he’s spoken and to make Ben be okay.

  “Evie, did you hear what I said?” he suddenly asks and everything around me freezes.

  “What?” I whisper, struggling to breathe, struggling to understand.

  “It’s his back, Evie, Ben broke his back in the fall.”

  And as the words finally sink in, I literally feel my heart break in two.

  Before I collapse to the floor again and sob uncontrollably.

  “You okay?” Paul asks as soon as he sees me walking towards him an hour later.

  I shake my head. “No,” I whisper, the tears still falling uncontrollably.

  Paul wraps me in his arms and pulls me close. “It’ll be okay, Evie,” he says, his chin resting on the top of my head. “Ben’s a tough guy, you and I both know that. He’s going to be okay, girl, you just have to believe it.”

  I’m nodding my head against his chest even though a part of me doesn’t believe him. I don’t know if this is punishment for what I did to him, but it’s stupid and impossible because the only person being punished here is Ben. And that just isn’t fair because if anyone out of the two of us should be punished, it’s me.

  “You sure you want to go see him?” Paul asks, his hand smoothing my hair back before he hands me a tissue he’s managed to dig from his pocket. He’s still in uniform and I realise he’s come straight from work to meet me here.

  I smile gratefully as I take it. I need to get my shit together before I see Ben. There’s no way I can walk in there looking like this. Right now, Ben needs me to be strong and positive and focused. Right now Ben needs me to look after him.

  How the hell am I going to do this?

  “Evie?”

  I look up at Paul. His eyes and face are so kind and I know, deep in my heart, that he loves Ben. They have been friends for years, and they have always had each other’s back. And this will be no different.

  “Yeah,” I say quietly. “I am, I need to. Take me to see him?”

  Paul nods before he wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulls me against him and we head inside the hospital. “So, you gonna tell me what’s going on with you and him?” he asks as we step into the lift. I’m glad Paul knows where to go and I don’t need to waste time asking the nurses or try and explain to them who I am.

  I glance up at Paul, wishing again that Ben and I had explained all of this to him back when we were kids. Everything seemed so much easier back then, not just to explain, but easier to take. Now, I’m not sure how Paul would react, how much he’d be able to believe. In some ways, Ben seeing me disappear back when I was twelve was the best thing to happen. Because then it was right there, happening in front of him. There couldn’t be any excuses, or tricks, or made up stories. He saw it with his own eyes, so there was no escaping it.

  But now, I’m not sure how it would work, having to describe what happens to me. Expecting someone to just believe it without having seen it with their own eyes, without having lived through it like Ben has. Paul’s a good guy and he’s got a pretty open mind, but even I know that what happens to me is some crazy shit. If I wasn’t forced to live through it every four years, I’m not sure I’d believe it either.

  “I wish I could,” I say, knowing this isn’t anywhere near enough. “I wish I knew where to begin.”

  “The beginning?” Paul says and when I glance at him again, I see he’s smiling at me, trying to lighten the mood.

  I try smiling back. “It’s not as easy as you think, Paul,” I tell him. “But can I just say, it’s not what you think it is. Nothing about the last few years is what you think. I love Ben, I always have and I always will. I wish I could explain it, but right now, without Ben, I can’t. Can you just give me a pass for now, just give me a chance to talk to him first?” I ask. “Please?”

  Paul nods at me. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll wait.”

  “Thank you,” I say, squeezing my arm, which is wrapped around Paul’s waist.

  “He really loves you, you know that, right?” Paul says now, pulling me closer as he presses a kiss to the top of my head.

  Me too, are the words I can’t say as I nod in response.

  “Is he awake…conscious I mean?” I whisper when we finally reach the door to Ben’s room.

  Paul stops and turns, both his hands on my shoulders as he looks down at me. “He is, yeah, although he’s pretty dopey with the painkillers still. The doctors don’t think he needs surgery, not yet anyway. At the moment, he’s immobilised and on a shitload of meds and stuff.” I feel his hands squeeze my shoulders in reassurance. “He’s doing okay, Evie, but you need to know, there is some paralysis.”

  “What?” I ask, wondering how much worse this can possibly get. I don’t know how Ben would live with being paralysed because he’s such a physical guy. His job aside, he’s just one of those people who can’t keep still, who likes to keep active. If he can’t do that, I don’t know what that’s going to do to him.

  “They don’t think it’s permanent, okay,” Paul says, as though he’s reading my mind. “At the moment, they’re waiting for the swelling to go down before they make any definitive diagnosis. Until that happens, it’s a waiting game unfortunately.”

  “How long?” I ask, hopeful.

  Paul shakes his head at me. “I wish I could tell you more, but unfortunately, other than the fact he broke two vertebrae, we don’t really know, Evie.”

  I don’t know what to say anymore. All I know is right now, I am seconds away from seeing Ben, and I really need to pull myself together. So, I take a deep breath, square my shoulders and look Paul right in the eye. “Okay, let’s go see him.”

  Paul pushes the door open for me and I walk into the room. The first thing I see is Ben’s mum, Suzanne, sitting in a chair by his bed. She sees me immediately, and before I know it, she’s up and out of her chair and wrapping her arms around me.

  “Oh my god, Evie, it’s so good to see you sweetheart,” she says sounding so much like home, it almost makes me cry. “Thank you for coming my darling girl, this is exactly what he needs.”

  I wrap my arms around Suzanne’s waist and bury my head on her shoulder as I give in and let the tears start to fall. For all of the love that I have for Ben, I have just as much for his family too. His family, who took me in, who looked after me, and who loved me when I needed it the most. They are the family who treat me as though I belong to them and they are the only family I want to hang on to. I only hope they can somehow understand that I never left Ben, that what’s happened during the last four years was not a choice, for either of us.

  “Hey,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry, Suzanne.”

  She tightens her arms before pushing me back so she can look at me. Wiping away my tears, she takes my face in both of her hands as she says, “I don’t know what happened with you two, Evie, and I really hope it’s not over between you both.” She stops as she leans in to kiss my cheek before continuing. “But, whatever it was, I do know that my son loves you, very much. And judging by the look on your face now, you feel the same way about him.” I nod at her words, hoping she understands just how true they are. “You being here now is exactly what Ben needs. You’ll get him better, Evie. He will be okay.” I can only nod as the tears start up again and Suzanne pulls me back into a big hug.

  Eventually she lets me go. “We’ll give you some privacy, okay?”

  I nod, grateful as she and Paul both walk out, closing the door behind them.

  And that’s when I take a deep breath and finally turn and look at Ben.

  He
’s stretched out on some kind of hard board, which is resting on the bed, presumably to keep him immobile. There’s a drip running into his arm and a monitor connected via a wire to one of his fingers. His eyes are closed and I’m guessing he’s asleep. He looks so peaceful and if you were to take all of the hospital stuff away, he looks just like Ben. My Ben. The man I used to wake up beside, every morning.

  I step quietly towards the bed and take a seat in the chair Suzanne was just sitting in. Picking up Ben’s hand, I lift it to my lips and press a kiss against his warm skin. “Ben, I’m so sorry,” I whisper against his knuckles. “I’m so very sorry.”

  I thread my fingers through his as I gently brush his crazy hair off his face, my fingers trailing down his cheek. I watch them as they smooth over his jaw, the soft prickles he used to love rubbing against my cheek to tease me. It brings a smile to my face as I remember and hope that he will do it again someday. He doesn’t wake up though and I can only sit here, in silence, watching him.

  It’s only been two weeks since we’ve seen each other, but that was a fleeting glance after nearly fours years of nothing. There wasn’t time to explain anything and there wasn’t time to apologise. And despite Ben’s reaction to my call, that he wanted to see me after all this time, a part of me is scared at what happens next. What will his reaction be when he wakes up? We have four years together now, only I don’t really know if they will be spent together. Not after I shut him out for so long, not after what happened way back on the night of my twentieth birthday.

  Is it really possible that he can forgive me?

  Or that I can forgive him?

  I don’t know how long I sit here for, watching Ben sleep. The only thing I do know, is that this time, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not running away. This time I will stay and talk. I will listen to what he has to say and I will let him explain.

  “Hey, baby.”

  His voice breaks the silence of the room and it instantly makes my heart pound, a warm feeling spreading throughout me. I never lose this, my reaction to him. Everything about Ben is home to me. My eyes flick up to his face and I see he is awake.

  “Hey,” I whisper, standing up as I reach out my free hand and gently brush his cheek again.

  Ben’s eyes close at my touch and I want so badly to lean in and kiss him, but I don’t. I hover over him, not daring to move and watch as his eyes open again, focus on mine. They are almost completely green now and I wonder if he notices.

  “Miss me?” he asks, the tiniest smile on his still sleepy face.

  But it’s these words that undo me, that pull the broken pieces of my heart back together. Without even thinking about whether I can, or I should, or even if he wants me to, I lean in and press my lips to his. “So much,” I whisper before gently kissing him.

  Ben’s free hand slowly slides into my hair, holding me to him and everything about this moment feels so unbelievably familiar and like home and like everything I’ve been missing for so long now. This isn’t just about the last two weeks; it’s the four years that went before it. Four long years that didn’t need to happen, that were barely eased by a fleeting glimpse at Paddington only two weeks ago.

  “Hey, hey,” Ben says, gently pushing me back as his thumb brushes the tears that are on my cheeks now. “It’s okay, baby.”

  I’m shaking my head. “No, Ben, it’s really not,” I tell him, the tears still falling as my head falls onto his shoulder and I bury my face in his neck. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Evie, it’s okay, I promise,” he whispers, his lips at my ear. “You came back to me, baby. That’s all that matters.”

  I shake my head, unable to say anything now as the tears I so desperately wanted to keep from Ben, start to fall uncontrollably. This moment, being back with him, but seeing what’s happened to him, it’s all too overwhelming and I don’t know what to say. Ben doesn’t say anything more, just lets me cry, his hand on the back of my head, gently stroking my hair.

  Eventually I pull back, sit down in the chair, still holding his hand in mine.

  “You okay?” he asks, squeezing my fingers.

  I shrug, because honestly, right now, I have no idea if I am. I know I need to be positive to get Ben better again, but right now this whole situation, and everything that’s happened, is just too much to take in.

  Ben smiles at me. “You found me again,” he says, lifting our hands to his lips.

  “Yeah,” I say. “Eventually anyway. Your sister wasn’t too keen on helping me out.”

  Ben presses a kiss against the back of my hand. “She just doesn’t understand, Evie,” he says. “She’s protective, you know that. But she doesn’t get it, despite what I’ve said to her.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” I say, shrugging again. “Your mum was good at least, she seemed to be okay. Paul too.”

  “Paul?”

  I nod. “Yeah, Paul. He’s the one who eventually told me, who brought me here today.”

  “I’m really glad,” Ben says, moving my fingers so they brush over his cheek and the whiskers he has.

  I smile back at him. “You need a shave.”

  Ben’s eyes light up and my smile gets wider. “What I really need is a sponge bath, you volunteering?”

  And I laugh as I squeeze his hand in mine. “Anything you need Ben, I’m here. I promise, I’m here.”

  I’m not going anywhere.

  12th March 2000

  Twenty-four years old

  I walk down the corridor to Ben’s room, carrying a bunch of magazines and CDs in one hand as I try to balance two cups of tea in the other. I’ve been spending every day with him, only leaving when I need to go and get stuff for him. It drives him crazy being stuck in bed, as I knew it would, so I’m constantly trying to find ways to distract him, keep him entertained.

  Nick still calls me and I’ve been talking to him more and more. He’s dropped by my work to see me too, but I’ve taken time off to be with Ben. I’ve caught up with him a few times though, tried to explain to him that I’ve actually done the one thing he wanted, met someone. He wants to meet him of course, make sure he’s good enough for me, but at the moment Ben’s still too out of it and in too much pain for that to happen.

  Plus for me, it’s all still too raw, too uncertain.

  I don’t know if Ben and Nick will ever meet, I’d like them too, but until Ben is better, I don’t know how to make that happen. I’m still not sure of a lot of things, including what happens next between Ben and me.

  “Shit,” I say as I drop a magazine on the floor. I bend to pick it up and as I do, another hand reaches out for it at the same time. “Thank…oh,” I say, looking up and seeing Rachel crouching in front of me. “Rach…hi.”

  Rachel stands and I do the same. She hands me the magazine I dropped and I look down, take it from her hand, before looking back up. “How are you?”

  Rachel blinks at me as though she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. “So you and Ben are really back together then?” she asks.

  I swallow, not really knowing how to answer that; it’s not something we’ve actually talked about. “Yeah…I don’t, I mean…I’m not…”

  “Even though you left him? Even though you just disappeared for four years?” she asks, the bitterness in her voice impossible to miss.

  I can see how pissed off she is too and I know it’s because she doesn’t understand, doesn’t know the full story. “Yeah, Rach it’s not like…”

  “How come, I mean, I don’t understand?” she says. “How can he just take you back like that?” Her words are harsh, but I feel like I deserve them. I bite my lip, trying to work out how to explain it to her, knowing it’s impossible to do without telling her the whole story. “Evie?” she asks.

  I take a deep breath. “Rachel, look…” Shit, I really don’t know how to do this. I have no idea what Ben’s said to her, what he could possibly have said the morning after the party when I’d gone, let alone for the next four years. “That night, the night of the party,” I s
ay, unable to look at her. “Something happened with…”

  “Yeah I know,” she says, interrupting me. “Ben told me.”

  “He did?” I ask, finally lifting my eyes to hers. I wonder what he said, how much she knows.

  Rachel shrugs. “Yeah, he told me what Katie did, how you guys had a fight,” she says. “What I’m wondering though, is why you’ve been away for so long, why you just disappeared like that and never came back until now?”

  I exhale, shifting the magazines in my arms. “I don’t know, Rach,” I admit. “I really don’t know.”

  Rachel takes a step towards me, grabbing the magazines and arranging them so they’re easier to hold. “Look, I get why you were so pissed off, Evie…”

  “You do?”

  Rachel nods. “I do, she’s a bitch. I know that now, okay?” she says, smiling at me. “We aren’t friends anymore you know, not after she tried the same thing with one of my boyfriends. But I guess what I don’t understand is how you could do that to Ben, how you could stay away from him for so long? Especially when it wasn’t exactly his fault.”

  I close my eyes knowing there will never be a time when I don’t regret my decision, when I don’t hurt from all of the things I did to Ben by staying away for so long. I force my eyes to open as I meet Rachel’s stare. “I don’t know,” I whisper, knowing this is both a pathetic excuse, but also the truth. “I was angry and hurt and upset.” I stop; take another deep breath before continuing. “But I know it was a mistake. I know that what I did was unfair, to Ben, and to you. To all of you.”

  Rachel gives me a half smile. “It felt like you shut all of us out, Evie,” she says, her hand reaching for mine, but resting on my forearm. “I mean Ben was destroyed by the whole thing, but he wasn’t the only one, okay? You were part of our family, Evie, you left all of us.”

  Her words hurt, but they are words I need to hear. I close my eyes now as I try to work out how the hell I can ever possibly apologise for all of this. I feel like I’ve messed everything up so badly. “I know, Rach,” I whisper. “I know what I did was wrong, okay. And as much as I wish I could take it all back or change things, I can’t. All I can do is apologise.”