Losing Francesca

by J. A. Huss

  I have no idea what to say to that.

  "And for the record, when I kissed Susie Turner at Mike Grippo's birthday party, I pretended I was kissing you. So you, Fiona Sullivan, were the first girl I ever kissed as far as I'm concerned."

  I turn all the way around, sitting back on my butt so I can look him in the eyes. "And now you'll be the first boy I ever kiss, too."

  His left hand slides up my back, then underneath my hair so he can pull me towards him.

  His other hand wraps me up and brings me so close, I doubt there's a part of my body that isn't touching him in some way at this moment. I watch his eyes as his mouth dips down towards mine. And then the hand behind my neck slides out and his thumb is tracing my lips. It makes my eyes close automatically, and then I feel the heat of his mouth, just the slightest brush against my lips. It's so sweet and soft.

  He opens up and his tongue is there, teasing my lip, then his teeth take a small nibble, not enough to hurt, but enough to get my attention. My mouth opens up in response and the tip of his tongue flicks against mine.

  Not thrusting or demanding or urgent and heavy. But light. So dizzyingly light.

  My head spins, and I float there, in his arms, under my terrace tree, sitting in the same place where he sat the day I turned nine and poured his heart into a tree trunk. And then I gasp for breath as he pulls away, willing myself to open my eyes and see him.

  He's smiling. "I have loved you since I was four years old. Fiona, I have loved you since you were a baby. I knew—" He stops and the unsaid words almost drag me down from the hurricane that has lifted me up and away from the real world.

  "Knew what?" I push, urgently.

  "That you were my soulmate."

  I bite my lip and frown, still breathing heavy from what his lips have done to my body. "What if I'm not her?"

  "You are her."

  And then he kisses me again and this time it's very clear that Brody Mason knows just what he's doing when it comes to girls, because he kisses me thoroughly. Like he's been waiting his whole life for my lips. Like he's taking all that anger and hate for the things that have gone wrong and wants to trade it all in for something else.

  Something nice.

  I lose Francesca in that moment. He strips me of Francesca for good. And he replaces her with Fee. With Fiona.

  And I let him, because I think being Fiona Sullivan is a dream I never want to wake up from.

  Sean is sitting out on the porch when I walk up the stairs, my knees still weak and my head still floating somewhere in the clouds. "Well," he laughs. "I can guess what you guys just did. Sit down and recover before Frank sees that dreamy look on your face and freaks the hell out."

  I sit next to him on the swing and he kicks it a little, so it sways forward and back in a gentle motion that fits my feeling of floating in the clouds.

  "He's that good, huh?"

  "What?" I ask absently as I turn my head slowly to look over at my brother.

  "I guess that's why he's dated every hot girl in northeastern Ohio."

  "I think," I say more to myself than Sean, "I love him."

  Sean laughs. "Shit, Fiona, play a little hard to get, will ya?"

  I shake my head. "No, I don't want to play anymore. I'm tired of playing. I'm tired of fake names and passports, and secret islands, and private jets, and satellite phones that are only good for telling your family you're alive."

  When I look over to Sean he's very serious and his words come out in a soft, soft whisper. "So stay then. Just stay, Fiona. You're almost eighteen, and it doesn't have to be permanent, just stay for a few months. Love us too, because we love you."

  Chapter Twenty-Seven - Francesca

  My mind has not stopped thinking of Brody's amazing lips for one second since I came home last night. Even now, as Aimee and I muck out stalls and she is chatting on and on endlessly about her pony and the big show tomorrow and Angela taking them to the equine store this morning—all I see in my mind's eye is Brody.

  I relive that feeling over and over and it strikes me as funny that the feeling you get over a boy, the swooning, as they call it in stories, is real. I swooned. I think about him coming to the house for dinner tonight and I am suddenly obsessed with what we're having.

  "Hey," I interrupt Aimee's monologue about pretty pink leg wraps for her pony. She's not allowed to ride in the Sullivan show tomorrow, but she says she gets to be an escort and her pony must be pretty. "What're we having for dinner tonight? Is there a menu or something?"

  "Menu?" She steps out of her stall across the aisle and makes a face at me. "Well, if you mean do we have certain foods on certain days, then yes. Last night was stuffed peppers so that means tonight we'll have shrimp and pasta. It's spicy, but if you don't like it spicy, I'll tell Angela and she'll put some aside—"

  "No, that's OK." I cut her off because she's definitely a talker. She shrugs and goes back in her stall and I resume my daydream about Brody coming over for dinner. Should I dress up? I have dresses in my closet, I'll take a better look at them later. And I'm gonna ask Frank if I can go on that Fourth of July boat trip with Brody and his brothers as well. It'll help if I ask when Brody's there, that way he can answer all the hard questions. Plus, he can run interference with Sean. And convince him to come. I might not know these people all that well, but it doesn't take a genius to know that I'm not going anywhere overnight with Brody by myself. We need Sean to agree.

  "I'm done," Aimee says with satisfaction. She's quite the little worker. "So I'll meet you inside, OK?"

  "So much for teamwork, huh?"

  "Oh, Fiona, I'm sorry. I'll help, it's just that I want to go take a shower before breakfast so we can get ready to go. The equine store is like two hours away."

  "I'm kidding. Go on, I can manage." She skips off and it hits me that she just called me Fiona and for the first time, I'm not bothered by it. It's a pretty name—of course, my name is so similar it's freaky, but Fiona is prettier than mine, in my opinion anyway. I'd like to have been a Fiona instead.

  Breakfast is pancakes, bacon, and eggs.

  I love all three of these foods so I grab a whole plate full in the kitchen where Angela has the art of cooking for a family of seven, and now eight when you include me, down to a well-ordered science.

  Three girls, three boys, two parents. Does it get any more perfect than this?

  And the funniest thing of all? None of us are related.

  Everyone is excited today. The girls talk about their horses and the gear they will buy at the store, the twins talk about the lesson girls they get to boss around today to get ready for the show and the girls from other show barns who will be here tomorrow, all dressed up in their cute outfits. Sean talks about work and his plans for the next school year as Angela listens with the ear of a mother. And Frank—Frank just beams a smile at all of us as his gaze travels around the table, like this is the best moment of his life.

  I swoop in and take my chances. "Can I invite Brody to dinner tonight?"

  Everyone stops talking.

  "What? What'd I say? Is it against the rules?"

  "No," Frank interjects before anyone else can talk. "Of course, I mean, it's not against the rules, so of course, you can invite someone for dinner." He smiles at me again and goes back to his bacon, shaking his head a little.

  "Good," I say under my breath. "What time is that horse coming, Frank?"

  "Eleven, but if you could help me get everything ready after breakfast, I'd appreciate it."

  "Yeah, sure. I'm looking forward to it. I've seen the big jumpers at shows and stuff, but never been connected to one. It's exciting." I turn back to my plate and continue eating. The silence hangs there for a few seconds and when I look back up, they are all smiling at me.

  Sean breaks the mood when he pushes back from the table. "Gotta go to work." He stops behind me as he makes his way out of the dining room and bends over to kiss me on the head. "Have a good day, Fiona. I promise to be nice to your boyfriend tonight."r />
  Oh. My God. I swat him away and blush. Luckily that was the signal for everyone to be finished and the whole room erupts into chaos. I sit and watch as they all get ready for their day, and then Frank and I are the only ones left. We look at each other and shrug.

  Like it or not, it's just us today.

  And three days ago, that might be something I groaned about. But today? Today, I'm actually looking forward to learning more about him. I push back from my food as well, then help Angela clear the table.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight - Brody

  I'm barely awake. The dripping of the coffee maker echoes through my garage as I rub my eyes and force myself to start the day. Then Sean's truck pulls up in my driveway. I pour myself a cup of caffeine and walk out to see what's up. Normally a visit from Sean is the last thing I'd be excited about, but he's only here for one reason, and that's Fiona.

  And everything that has to do with Fiona is exciting.

  "Hey," he calls as he slams his door.

  "What's up?" I reply, then take a sip from my mug, wincing as it goes down.

  "So, you're coming over for dinner tonight?"

  "I might be. Am I?"

  "Fiona asked Frank if you could eat over, so…"

  "OK, sounds good to me." I blow on the drink because that last sip sorta burned my mouth.

  "You know she's not really Fiona, right?"

  "That's what she says."

  "But you're still interested? I mean, even if she's not Fiona?"

  "Just get to the point, Sean, I got a tow coming in soon and the last thing I need is you hanging around with your passive-aggressive brother bullshit."

  "She called her dad yesterday, did you know that?"

  "Yeah, big deal. She said it went fine."

  "Oh, really? So fine in her mind means her dad is coming to take her back? That's interesting. Because you know, she came home last night barely able to talk, caught up in a fantasy of you kissing her. So, I'm just curious, what the hell are you two doing?"

  "Well, her take on that conversation was that he's not impulsive like that." I shrug. "She said he's probably gonna wait it out until Fiona's birthday and then, if she's still being hassled, he'd get some government people involved."

  He stares at me for a second and it hits me. He's not here to chew my ass out, he wants me to reassure him she's not going anywhere. "Look, Sean, all of that is out of our control, ya know? If this guy is as rich as powerful as we think, then we've got no chance of stopping him. The only person who can do that is Fee. So all we can do is make sure we're worth the trouble."

  He paces in front of my garage.

  "And for the record, I love this girl. I think she's Fiona, but it's gone past that now. I could care less who she is, I'm into her and I'm not letting her go without a fight. I'm not sure what that fight looks like right now, but I'll figure that out when the time comes."

  "OK."

  "OK? That's it? Dude, if you've got concerns, now's the time to spill them."

  "I just—I just think—I'm afraid she's gonna get hurt, ya know? I mean, obviously this father is coming to get her, maybe sooner, maybe later, but regardless, he's coming. He made that perfectly clear on the phone. So I don't want to watch her fall apart when it happens. I know she likes you, she is falling for you bad, Brody."

  I smile at this because I want her to fall for me. I want her to fall for me so hard, she can't bring herself to walk away when the dad finally does show up.

  "And maybe you should back off?"

  "What?" I laugh. "Yeah, right. I'm not backing off, fuck that! You said it yourself that first day I found out she was back. I'm obsessed with her. And I am, I admit it. I want this girl. I need her, Sean. So, I'm not going anywhere. And you telling me that is like me telling you to back off being her brother."

  "Not the same thing, I've always been her brother."

  "Yeah, well, I've always been her boyfriend. She just didn't know it. This girl is my one. And she's always been the one."

  "And if she's not Fiona? What then? You'll just drop her and keep looking?"

  "No, I won't drop her. I told you, it doesn't matter who she is. Will you drop her?" He hesitates. And then it starts to sink in. "Really, dude? You'd walk away?"

  "What choice do I have? If she's not my sister? We won't be related."

  "You're already not related, dumbass. You guys were adopted."

  "Yeah, but—it won't be legal or anything."

  I laugh. "Well, well, well… look who's insecure." He makes to walk away and I call out. "Hey, asswipe! You do realize I'm not related to her either, right? But that won't stop me from loving her."

  He stops at his truck but doesn't open the door. He just stares down at the handle.

  I walk over to him. "Hey, Sean, it's OK, ya know. To be afraid of losing her. Because I'm terrified. I'm fucking terrified she's gonna just be gone one day. And that day might be soon for all I know. But we can't control that stuff, we can only control us. So just tell her how you feel, treat her nice, make her love you, and then let her go. You just gotta let her go and hope."

  "Hope for what? Exactly?"

  "That she stays. Or, at the very least, that she eventually comes home after the dad comes to take her away."

  He runs his hand over his hair and then opens his door and gets in. "Thanks."

  "Yeah. And see ya at dinner tonight, right?" I laugh at that. Who would've thought, Sean Sullivan and I being friendly.

  I turn to walk away but he calls out. "Hey?"

  I look over my shoulder at him.

  "You should go over there around ten thirty if you're not busy today. Help her and Frank out with the new horse. I bet she's missing you already."

  He grins at that last remark and so do I. "I just might do that, Sean. Thanks for the heads up." I hold up my mug of coffee to him as he slams his door, starts the truck, and then backs out of the driveway. I watch his dust trail as it dissipates into the humid air. I've got an engine job being dropped off today and I don't have to have that done until after the Fourth of July, so I can definitely make some time for my Fee.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine - Francesca

  The new horse will not be housed in the big barn where Aimee and I shovel stalls, but in one of the smaller ones so she can be quarantined until the vet gives her the green light to be let out with the others. Frank's attention to detail in the management of his stable impresses me. He's careful. I like careful.

  A careful person also has patience. I like patience as well.

  "Oh, I almost forgot. Brody says that Sean's filly has been hanging out at their place for a while now. Like mowing the lawn for them and showing up for treats at breakfast."

  Frank throws another bale of straw into the stall where I'm standing with a pitchfork. He leans down and slits the twine holding it together with a knife and all the flakes spill out. I reach down with my fork and start throwing it around.

  "We'll have to go down there with a trailer then," he says. "I figured she'd come home already. She was born here, after all, she knows where home is. But I don't want her to hurt herself out in those woods. If she broke a leg I'd never forgive myself for not trying harder to get her back."

  "Maybe we can set up a round pen in their yard and put some food in there, then close the gate once she's inside? That way we can corral her and not have to chase her."

  Frank stops and smiles at me. "Good idea, Francesca."

  I stop spreading straw for a moment and look at him. "You can call me Fiona, ya know. Everyone else does."

  He stops to wipe his brow. It's already very warm even though it's just past ten. "But you're not her, so why would I do that?"

  I frown a little. He's right. It's wrong what I'm doing. Pretending to be her. "My name is not Francesca anyway," I admit. I feel weird about telling him this secret, I'm not sure why exactly, because I already told Brody. But somehow, telling a real adult about it seems like treason or something. Like I'm betraying the precautions that my dad has had in p
lace for me since I was born.

  "What is it then? Your real name?"

  "I can't tell you that, really I can't. It's not safe for me to tell you that."

  He nods, but his mouth is drawn down in a small frown.

  "But my dad calls me Fee. And Fiona is like an American version of my real name, so it's not far off. But I understand, it probably hurts to have me here, doesn't it? Reminding you of your daughter and your wife?"

  "It hurts, but not because of them or that memory. It hurts because you're exactly how I imagined her to be. And, of course, you look like the rendering the artist did for the TSA database. The resemblance is striking, don't you think?"

  I swallow. "Yeah, it's weird. Brody showed me a picture of Fiona in his yearbook. They were holding hands." I laugh at the sweetness of it. "And I have to admit, Frank, I thought that girl was me for a moment."

  He stares at me for several seconds. "Could it be you?"

  I shrug.

  "Do you want it to be you?"

  I feel the tears well up in my eyes and he steps into the stall and hugs me. "Don't answer that. I'm sorry, I was out of line."

  I hug him back and let the tears out, then push back and wipe my eyes. "It's difficult. It's so very difficult to think about this. I love my dad, Frank. He's… unconventional, OK. Yes. Not a regular dad. But I do love him. And admitting all these things, admitting to all these conflicting feelings about you, and your family, and Brody, and me… it feels wrong."

  He nods and turns to walk out. "I understand."

  "It feels wrong," I say before he can leave, "because I want to be her, Frank. I do. I want to be Fiona."

  He turns back to me with a strained look on his face. "I want you to be her as well, Fee."

  I smile at the name.

  "But it's not a requirement, OK? If you're not her, you're not her. There's nothing to be done about that. You're still welcome here, you still have a room here, you don't have to choose. I'd never make you do that. And I never did get a chance to apologize for the way I acted the other day. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be the grown-up and I should know better."