Forever

by Pati Nagle

  And he was there, right before me. A pool—no, an ocean—and I could dive in and lose myself in bliss. All it would take was to let go of who I was.

  But who was I, anyway? The last twenty-four hours had changed me so much I didn’t even know any more.

  You will not lose yourself. I promise you that.

  Maybe I already have.

  I felt him smile, a warmth that rippled through me. No. I see you.

  He wasn’t talking about normal vision. I held still, breathing easier now, just trying to understand the situation. I could feel that he was waiting, patiently. In no hurry.

  Waiting for what, I wasn’t quite sure.

  This was so messed up. I’d come looking for a relationship, I hoped—one that would last a while—but I couldn’t shake the whole Ebonwatch thing, and it had me confused. And now, overlying it all was a sense of inevitable doom. They would die out, this amazing, breathtaking race of non-humans. It broke my heart.

  His hand squeezed my shoulder, bringing me back to an awareness of my body. I inhaled, catching a hint of sandalwood and pine.

  My flesh, reminded of why I’d come here, responded. I was sure he could tell.

  My body had no doubts or hesitations. It didn’t care that we were sitting on a bench in the middle of campus, with people all around.

  I swallowed. Desire was welling up so strongly that it overrode my confusion. I would have given into it right then if not for the thread of caution that I had learned early on never to let go of.

  I couldn’t help the memories that flashed through my thoughts, and I knew that Lomen was aware of them.

  Sitting on the bleachers at a football game, knowing something was going on beneath them. I could hear the muffled thumps of a beating, the savage voices muttering, “Faggot!” A glimpse between the seats and I knew who it was: a boy I’d admired. A boy who didn’t show up to class the next day, or the next week.

  I had made no move to help.

  I had known that to do so would only focus their rage on me as well. But it still wasn’t right.

  Lomen’s hand slid from my shoulder. I sensed something briefly—dismay? It was gone the next instant.

  Your first instinct was best. We should have met at your home.

  I took a ragged breath. Sat up and blinked.

  Go there now. If you want me to follow, I will.

  I turned my head to look at him. His gaze was soft, and made my heart rise in my chest.

  If you prefer some time alone, I will understand. The choice is yours.

  I stared at him a long time. It would probably be wise to do as he suggested. Take some time to calm down, get my thoughts in order.

  No. I’m tired of being alone.

  Then you need not be.

  He stood and shouldered a pack. It was like any other student’s backpack, heavy with books. Didn’t go with his clothes at all.

  A memory flashed into my thoughts—a black backpack with Lobo stickers, one corner steeping in a puddle of blood.

  I gave my head a shake and collected my own pack. Lomen stepped away from the bench, motioning to me to lead.

  We didn’t talk, in any way. I was too wound up to trust myself to discuss all the potentials before us out in public, and way too tense for chatting about the weather. I could feel Lomen’s presence, like a sphere of warmth radiating from him. I wanted to stay close to that, to bask in it.

  We strolled across campus, passing other students, teachers, staff. I kept noticing couples; mostly boy-girl, but there was one flamboyant pair of girls marching defiantly arm in arm along campus.

  Good for them.

  By the time we crossed Central Avenue and headed into the student ghetto, my feelings had settled down a lot. I was still on edge, and hyper-aware of Lomen, but I was no longer on the verge of meltdown from emotional overload.

  We walked past the first couple of blocks of restaurants and stores, and into the residential area shaded by old elm trees. I led him to my apartment, unlocked the door, and invited him in with a gesture. He gave a small nod and a smile, and went in, looking around the front room.

  A tiny kitchen and a bathroom separated this from my bedroom. It was nothing fancy, but it was in an older building, single-story, with hardwood floors, which I liked. I had dreams of setting it up with classy, streamlined, modern furnishings, but for now the décor was student yard-sale.

  “Want something to drink?” I offered. “Glass of water?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  “Have a seat.”

  I waved him toward the furniture—a futon couch and a couple of weather-beaten armchairs—and went to the kitchen. My hands shook a little as I put ice into two glasses for us. I filled them with filtered water, reminding myself to breathe slowly.

  Lomen had chosen one of the chairs. He was sitting in it cross-legged, gazing over his shoulder out the front window. The trees outside cast dappled light over the little rectangle of lawn shared by all the apartments in the unit.

  I set the glasses down on the coffee table, moved my laptop to the table I used for a desk, and sat on the futon. Lomen picked up his glass and drank deeply. I watched his throat move as he swallowed, then closed my eyes. If we were going to talk, I had to avoid getting distracted by his body.

  “Yes, we should talk,” he said.

  I reached for my own glass and took a swig, then kept it in my hands. The ice chill kept me focused.

  “I have a question,” Lomen added. “I understand the memory of fear that you showed me, but is such hatred common among humans?”

  I looked at him. “Don’t you watch the news?”

  “On TV? No. I am not very up to date, I fear.”

  “I thought you were fascinated by humans.”

  He gave me a sidelong grin that shot straight to my groin. I took another swig of ice water.

  “I am,” he said, “but until this past year I have not had much to do with humans for several centuries.”

  Jeez.

  “Um, yeah. It’s a big issue for us right now—gay rights. One of the major things our culture is debating. There’s a lot of hate.”

  “I see. Then I understand your caution.”

  “My turn.” I took a deep breath. “Are you gay?”

  He met my gaze. “That description is...limiting, I believe.”

  “You’re bi?”

  He leaned back in his chair, gazing into the distance with a soft smile. “In the course of a long life, one has many opportunities to experiment. There are not many that I have declined.”

  Oh.

  “My general inclination is to have one partner at a time, if that makes a difference.”

  I nodded. One at a time was good for me.

  We fell silent. I stared at my glass. Was I really hoping for a relationship with this...alien being? More and more, I was realizing that’s what he was.

  I felt his gaze. He was waiting for me to make a move.

  That was nice. My looks often attracted the alpha type. Not that I objected to alphas, except that I hadn’t had much luck with them. They never seemed to want what I wanted.

  On the other hand, I couldn’t really call Lomen a beta. He was neither. Or both. He defied classification.

  I glanced at him. He was watching me, a slight smile of amusement on his lips.

  “Don’t think too much, Steven.”

  I looked away, feeling my cheeks start to burn.

  He stood, pulled the curtains on the front window closed, and came to me in two steps. Reached a hand out for my glass. I gave it to him, and he set it down, then sat beside me. I moved over to make room for him.

  “Let me show you something,” he said, holding out his hand.

  I wiped my clammy hand on my jeans and put it in his. Immediately I sensed him. Had to close my eyes.

  It’s hard to describe how it feels. Like lying in bed next to someone, but it’s your souls, not your bodies. We were close, just touching. My hand tingled; his felt hot.

  T
his is how you shield. Follow me.

  Our contact deepened. I was aware of his breathing—slower than mine. Then a brightness above my/his head. Light poured down, and he welcomed it. It came in through the top of our skull and spread through our body, out to the tip of each digit. Then it seemed to congeal in the middle of our chest, and flow out again, this time surrounding us.

  For a while we were still. Just basking, enjoying the light. Gradually he drew away, enough for me to become aware of my body as separate from his. The feeling of the light was still there.

  That was all? White light?

  It takes practice. You might do it each morning when you wake, and at night before going to sleep. And any time you expect to be in company with ælven.

  I sighed. This would take some getting used to.

  His hand slid from beneath mine. I caught it and opened my eyes.

  My body had not forgotten. I stared into his eyes, noticing flecks of gold in the green. The lids drooped slightly as he smiled, then leaned toward me.

  His lips brushed my cheek and I caught a whiff of sandalwood. Did ælven wear cologne?

  It’s soap. Madóran makes it.

  Who?

  One of our investors. You will meet him eventually.

  His lips closed on the corner of my mouth and I took a sharp breath. Then a real kiss, and I was lost.

  To kiss with body and soul at once is indescribably wonderful. My whole being rose up to accept his welcome. The taste and smell of him were intertwined with emotions that I knew weren’t just mine. The relief was mine; from him came a quiet joy that blew away all my anxiety.

  My phone rang.

  Crap. Ignore it.

  Are you sure?

  For answer I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him harder. He responded with enthusiasm and silent laughter that echoed through my heart.

  A buzz goosed me: the phone again, signaling a text.

  I could have screamed in frustration. Lomen released me and nudged my hand toward my pocket. I took out the phone, blinking as I tried to read the text through a haze of mixed sensations.

  CAERAN WANTS 2 MEET EARLY - OMW 2 GET U

  I turned the phone to show it to Lomen, though he’d already seen it through my eyes. He took it from my hand and set it on the coffee table.

  There is little time, then.

  He moved to the floor and reached for my fly.

  “Wha—what are you—”

  You need release.

  He slid my jeans down my hips in one swift movement. I felt his hands on me, then his mouth, and then I stopped thinking.

  = 5 =

  He was very good.

  He teased me, bringing me to the brink of climax and then commanding, Wait.

  I held as still as I could, trembling, the echo of my own flesh in my mouth. He waited what seemed like forever, then slowly began again.

  Twice more he told me to wait. The third time I couldn’t hold it. He let me feel everything he could feel: the taste of myself, the pounding of my heart, the rough carpet under his knees and his arms tight around my hips.

  Sensory overload.

  Gradually, as I lay with the throbbing ebbing away, I became aware of myself as separate again. Lomen gently pulled back, with both body and mind, but he kept a light touch in my thoughts. Unlike every other encounter I’d had, there was no sense of loss, no let-down, because he was still with me.

  I felt him stand, heard the rattle of ice in his glass and his footsteps going toward the kitchen. Tasted an echo of ice water. Swallowed.

  I couldn’t sit up yet. I just wanted to lie there, glowing, but I knew Amanda could show up any minute.

  Lomen came back and sat on the futon beside me. I opened my eyes. He held out a damp cloth.

  “Thank you,” I said as I took it. It was warm.

  “What about you?” I asked.

  He smiled. I can be patient.

  Outside, a car pulled up and its engine turned off. Lomen went to the window while I frantically cleaned myself up.

  It’s Amanda.

  OK.

  He took the cloth from me the moment I was finished with it, and headed back to the bathroom. I pulled my clothes together, then pushed myself to my feet just as the broken doorbell clanked.

  Lomen returned, glanced at me, then opened the door. Amanda came in, all bluster.

  “Sorry, guys, but Caeren wants everyone there as soon as possible.” She sounded out of breath.

  “What’s happened?” Lomen asked.

  “You haven’t heard? Jeez, it’s all over the news!”

  “What?” I said.

  “There’s been another killing.”

  Lomen and I both started talking at once, and Amanda held up her hands. “I’ll tell you about it in the car. Let’s go.”

  Lomen grabbed his pack, and I picked mine up, too. We followed her to her car. Lomen climbed in the back and I got in next to Amanda.

  “It happened last night,” she said as she drove east. “Near the business school, which has got me freaked out.”

  My throat was dry, and I was having trouble concentrating. “Same M.O.?”

  “No, but Caeran went by the scene and he said there was alben khi there.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Energy,” Lomen said. I’ll explain later. “There’s another alben in the area, then.”

  “Couldn’t it be the same one?” I asked.

  “No. The first one would not be hungry again so soon.”

  “Yeah, and this time the victim’s a guy,” Amanda said.

  I’m not following this.

  Alben often hunt the opposite sex, because they can use sexual allure to bring their prey closer.

  I thought about that. That doesn’t mean it has to be boy-girl.

  True, but the majority of humans are heterosexual. Alben tend to hunt accordingly.

  Amanda pulled up in front of Len and Caeran’s house. We hurried up the path and Amanda went straight in without knocking or ringing.

  Caeran was sitting in the living room, dressed in black jeans and a green caftan-looking shirt. A savory smell wafting from the kitchen made my stomach growl. I had sort of forgotten about lunch.

  “I’ve called Madóran,” Caeran said, looking at Lomen. “Bironan and Faranin are on their way. They should be here tomorrow.”

  “Does Savhoran know?” Lomen asked.

  “I called him,” Amanda said.

  “He will join us after dark, and will try to bring Pirian,” Caeran said.

  Feeling cross, I glanced at Lomen. Who are all these people?

  Members of the clan. Pirian is in Clan Ebonwatch with Savhoran. Guarding against alben is their traditional duty.

  Will they bring more people from Ebonwatch?

  At the moment, they are all of Ebonwatch.

  Great. Clan Ebonwatch consisted of two guys? This was the start-up’s mighty namesake?

  It is an expression of hope.

  The others had fallen silent. Amanda was messing with her phone. Caeran was watching us, and I had the feeling he knew we were talking.

  I did a little white-light shield thing, feeling silly. Better late than never.

  Caeran stood and went to a cabinet by the fireplace. He opened it, revealing a flatscreen TV. He turned this on, changed the channel, then muted it, bringing the control with him back to his chair.

  Earliest news was at 4:30, unless they did a breaking news flash. I wondered what time it was. I’d forgotten my phone.

  It wasn’t like me to be so scattered—but then, I’d just had my brain rearranged by psychic sex. And Lomen was on the couch just a couple of feet away, and we had very unfinished business.

  “Amanda said you’d been to the scene of last night’s killing,” Lomen said.

  Caeran nodded. “The body was gone, but there were still traces of khi. It was a ... vicious killing.”

  “You are certain it was done by an alben?”

  “Oh, yes. One who likes knives, app
arently.”

  “Oh, great!” said Amanda. Her hand went to her neck, taking me back to the summer day when I’d pressed a handful of paper towels to the bleeding slash there.

  “Most alben use knives in their hunting,” Lomen said.

  “This one used it more than necessary.” Caeran glanced at Amanda, then looked back at Lomen. “There was a crowd of onlookers at the scene, so I was able to stay and pick up a little from the thoughts of the police. The killer took her time.”

  “How do you know it was a woman?” I asked.

  He looked at me. “I’m not certain the killer was female, but it is a reasonable assumption, given that the victim was male. It is not common for alben to torment their prey, but in this case she did so, using her knife. The police were horrified.”

  I took a slow breath. “Um, forgive me for asking what may be a stupid question,” I said. “I’m sorry to hear about another killing, but why does it necessitate this meeting?”

  Caeran turned to face me. “For our own safety and that of our clan. We are in the process of establishing a territory, if you will. When an alben begins to hunt here, we take action to discourage them.”

  “How?”

  “The first step is to find them,” Lomen said.

  “Yes,” Caeran said. “Savhoran and Pirian patrol the city, but it is a large area. Until these alben are located, they will need help.”

  He went to the kitchen and returned with a tray of glasses and a pitcher of tea. I accepted a glass and chugged half of it. Caeran refilled it without commenting.

  The cold hit my belly hard enough to make me shiver. I set the glass on the coffee table and leaned back.

  “So,” I said, “if I understand correctly, this is the third time in a year that alben have started hunting here. What’s attracting them to Albuquerque? And to UNM in particular?”

  Caeran and Lomen exchanged a glance before Caeran answered. “A university campus is an ideal hunting ground, a concentrated population of young and healthy adults who are enjoying an independence that is new to them.”

  “Less likely to be cautious than older humans,” Lomen added.

  “As to what brings the alben to this city,” Caeran said, “they tend to travel. Too many attacks in one area arouse the attention of police. It may be that the interchange of two interstates makes it more likely for them to pass through the city.”