Clarkson on Cars

by Jeremy Clarkson

  The message, then, to all you ex-public-schoolboys out there is clear. Do not, when you have time to kill, wander into a record shop and fill your basket with albums that you used to enjoy, late at night, in study eight. Snow Goose sounds daft. Yessongs is idiotic. Focus are now a bunch of hasbeens and Golden Earring only had one hit for a reason. But Greenslade are the worst of the lot.

  And it’s the same story with cars. Just because you remember your Alfasud so fondly, do not imagine that you’ll get the same thrill from it now, after you’ve been exposed to the delights of a Golf GTi and a BMW 325.

  Your first car may well have been an MG but drive one today and you won’t rekindle a lost youth. You’ll simply get a headache and wet. And then it will break down.

  However, there are some albums which, through punk, disco, grunge, rap, Wet Wet Wet, techno and heavy metal, continue to sound fresh and pertinent. I’m listening to Crime of the Century right now, and Dark Side of the Moon is another case in point. And that’s without dipping into early Stones, Who and Led Zep. Or even James Brown and Beethoven for that matter.

  Some bands and individuals, for whatever reason, just don’t date.

  So what about cars? Are there any which, if you could buy them new today, would not feel disgraced by modern-day techno marvels?

  Assuming that we could do the automotive equivalent of digital remastering, by which I mean building them properly and incorporating air conditioning and electric windows, is there a single car out there which wouldn’t feel as dead as something dead?

  I’m struggling here. I recently drove an Aston Martin DB5 and can only liken it to Barclay James Harvest’s live double album from 1974.

  My first car was a Fort Cortina 1600E which, though I haven’t driven one for seventeen years, I’m sure would feel like Rick Wakeman on wheels.

  However, I have ended up with a list of four cars which have managed to bulldoze their way through fashion and the sea of technological change. Sure, they’ve been digitally remastered along the way and are now bought on DAT rather than scratched vinyl, but they’ve made it.

  All are still in production even though each has remained basically the same. And they are the Porsche 911, the Mini, the Range Rover and the Jaguar XJS.

  They are the motorised supergroups. Here we have Jagger and Richards in metal. By keeping fit, staying alive and adapting, they feel every bit as good today as they did when Labour were in power.

  And that makes me wonder some more: what if they’d persevered with, say, the Volkswagen K70? What if it was now available with a catalytic converter and fuel injection? What if they’d changed the dashboard a little bit every now and again and added height-adjustable seatbelts? If they’d done all this, would the K70 feel good today?

  No, I don’t think so. Here we have Dave Greenslade with an engine; a car that would only be available on import to sad, sad old hippies who liken modern cars to modern music and dismiss both groups as characterless rubbish.

  It was while I was sitting watching the Doobie Brothers qat Wembley last week that the answer came. Old cars are fine… so long as they were made yesterday.

  20 Things You Always Wanted to Know about Jeremy Clarkson

  What is your everyday car?

  Ford Escort

  How many miles a year do you drive?

  20–30,000

  What’s the most fun you’ve ever had in a car?

  Doing the Rubicon Trail in a Jeep Wrangler

  Do you prefer front/rear/four-wheel drive and why?

  Couldn’t care less – handling is unimportant

  What one car, cost no object, would you most like to drive every day for the next 12 months?

  Aston Martin Vantage

  What car should never have got past the prototype stage?

  Nearly all cars in current production

  You’ve got a CD stacker in the boot of your car and a drive across Europe planned – which six CDs do you take?

  Bob Seger – Night Moves

  Bob Seger – Nine Tonight

  Bob Seger – Live Bullet

  Bob Seger – Fire Inside

  Bob Seger – Smokin’ OPs

  Doobie Brothers – Captain and Me

  If someone borrowed your car, which tape – or radio station – would they find playing?

  Radio Four, I suppose, ’cos my wife likes it

  Who is your hero?

  Auberon Waugh

  If you were a car, what car would you be?

  1979 Ford Granada Ghia

  What is your favourite quote, or line from a song?

  Then ten years have got behind you,

  No one told you when to run,

  You missed the starting gun

  (Pink Floyd, ‘Dark Side of the Moon’)

  What did you want to be when you grew up?

  King

  What was the worst job you ever had?

  Road-testing the Toyota Corolla

  What is the bravest thing you have ever done?

  I never do brave things

  What is your greatest achievement?

  Going five years through public school and never once playing cricket

  Who would you most like to see gunged?

  Lynn Faulds-Wood

  What was/is your favourite ‘children’s’ TV programme?

  Paddington Bear

  Who or what always makes you laugh?

  Auberon Waugh

  You’re in a rapidly descending hot-air balloon with Jeremy Beadle, Jeremy Clarkson and Jeremy Paxman and you have to throw one out to stop it crashing – who goes first?

  This is not fair

  Table of Contents

  Book Jacket

  Part 1

  Part 2

  Acknowledgements

  Dear Diary

  Golf GTi Loses Its Crown

  Dishing It Out

  Cars in Review

  Big Boys’ Toys

  Mobile Phones

  Last Year’s Model

  Watch It

  JMC NO

  Big Bikes

  Invaders from Can

  The Revenger

  Charades

  Pedal Pusher

  Girls and Rubber

  Rat Boy

  In a Flap

  Sweet White Wine

  Auto Football

  The Best Man

  Racing Jaguars

  Non-Sleeker Celica

  Green Machine

  Democratic Party

  Cat Lover

  Goodbye to All That

  Down, Rover

  History Lesson

  Ski’s the Limit

  The One That I Want

  Global Warming

  People’s Limousine

  Radio Daze

  Horse Power

  Non-Passive Smoking

  S-Classy

  Would You Buy a Used Alfa from This Man?

  A Question of Sports

  Volvo Shock

  No Free Lunch

  Are Cars Electric?

  Cruel to be Kind

  An Able Ford

  Train Strain

  Cruising Soundtrack

  Big

  What to Buy?

  All Change

  Sex on Wheels

  In a Car Crash

  Speed Kills

  What’s That Then?

  I Had That Geezer from Top Gear in the Back Once

  Acceleration Times are a Bit Nonsensical

  Adverts Versus the Truth

  Politicians and Style Motors

  Do the British Love Cars?

  Lancia Out of the UK

  So What’s the Big Deal with the Beetle Then?

  Just What is It about the BMW?

  Where’s all the Style Gone?

  Hondas are Bought by Old People

  Why Do People Drive Differently All Over the UK?

  You Can Tell What People Drive by the Shoes They Wear

  The New Ferrari 355

  Sitting on a Porsche
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  Clarkson’s Highway Code

  Why aren’t Car Ads Aimed at Old People?

  The New Range Rover Looks Like a Taxi

  Princess Diana Drives Audi Sales Up

  Star Car – Alfa Romeo Spider

  Routefinder Satellite Technology

  The Pickup Truck Phenomenon

  Safety Measures – Who Needs Them?

  Speed

  Nasty Nissans

  Road Rage

  The New Jaguar

  Stop Thief; Not Me

  Go West, Young Man

  Who Gives a Damn about the Countryside?

  Are Fast Cars a Problem?

  Car Pools won’t Work

  The Mondeo V6 is Very Good – Really

  Name That Car

  Bull Bars Should be Banned

  Buttons are Not Just for Christmas

  Don’t Get Noticed

  Gadgets

  Formula One Racing – as Dull as Ever

  Can You Really Own a Lotus?

  Soft Tops

  Ugly Cars Got No Reason

  Why are Van Drivers Mad?

  A Christmas Tale

  Greenslade – Music and Cars

  20 Things You Always Wanted to Know about Jeremy Clarkson