Life's What You Make It

by Sian O'Gorman

  ‘We just had a normal argument,’ he went on. ‘You must have them. We all do… it’s normal. Especially when Jess is so run-down, working, looking after the kids… I’ve told her to take it easy, put her feet up, but it’s too much for her sometimes and…’

  ‘Damien…’ Jessica stared at him. ‘Just stop…’

  ‘Jess, come on, baby, please?’ Damien tried again. ‘I love you, you know I do.’ He held out his hand, ‘Come on, princess?’

  And then Jessica spoke. ‘I love you too.’

  ‘That’s right, course you do.’ Damien smiled, smelling victory. ‘Come on, come inside and everyone can go back to their lives and we’ll just get on with ours.’ He smiled. ‘Thank you, Garda,’ he said. ‘But there’s nothing…’

  The children were peering out from behind Jessica’s legs, as Jessica pushed herself upwards, eyes blinking at the sky, as though trying to make herself physically bigger.

  ‘I love you, Damien,’ she said, fixing him with a steely gaze. ‘I love you. But I love you less and less every day. And one day, I won’t love you at all…’

  ‘Jess… what are…?’

  ‘Damien, I don’t like living with you,’ she said. ‘You scare me, you scare our children. We never know how you’re going to be, whether you will be nice or if something – even someone not letting you out of a junction – anything! – will set you off.’

  He looked at us all, pulling a face, as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘Jesus! Honestly…’ he laughed, ‘you have no idea what she puts me through, crying and hysterics… and always going to see her mother!’ He turned back to Jessica. ‘Baby, I love you,’ he said. ‘Neither of us is perfect, but we’re good together. Didn’t we have a nice time in Barcelona? Jess, please.’

  Jessica began to take off her cardigan. She undid the top button, then the next…

  One of the officers spoke, ‘We are not leaving until it is confirmed that no charges will be pressed. Madam, do you want us to go? We are here because of an allegation of domestic violence…’

  ‘Domestic violence?’ shouted Damien, his voice breaking. ‘The only crime being committed here is a man loving his wife too much!’

  Jessica had now slipped off her cardigan, revealing her vest top underneath, her white skin gleaming under the street light. There, at the top of her arm was the blackest bruise I’d ever seen, far, far worse than the previous one.

  ‘This,’ she said, ‘was for not getting out of bed the other night when he got home late to make him a hot drink and to ask him about his day.’ She turned around and on her right shoulder blade was a red mark, the size of Damien’s hand. ‘And this was… this was just because.’

  The police officers stepped forward. ‘Do you want to press charges?’ said the officer. ‘Do you want this man arrested?’

  ‘I want him gone,’ said Jessica. ‘I want a life of peace and quiet and calm for my children. I want him away from us.’

  The Garda nodded and turned to Damien. ‘We will be taking you into custody and it is entirely up to you to come quietly or not. Which is it to be?’ Damien opened his mouth to speak but the officer continued. ‘We are arresting you for the violence perpetrated against the accuser. You will have access to a solicitor in the morning, but in the meantime, you are being taken to Dún Laoghaire Garda Station. You have the right to remain silent but anything you do say may be used in evidence against you.’

  ‘What the fuck?’ shouted Damien. ‘What the fuck, Jessica?’ He began to laugh, shaking his head. ‘Are you serious, all of you? You should be catching criminals, not arresting hard-working, law-abiding citizens like myself. The law’s a joke. It hates men and fathers and people like me who work hard and just want the best for their families. That you would believe the word of a woman who is obviously mentally unstable? Didn’t I tell you she was depressed! She hits me! I’m the victim!’

  We watched as he was manoeuvred into the police car. Will had Pablo in his arms. Jessica knelt down with Ellie-Mae and Frankie, holding their small hands.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have done this better. For you.’

  ‘Is Daddy going to prison?’ said Ellie-Mae.

  Jessica shook her head. ‘Only bad people go to prison. Daddy is just going away to…’ She glanced up at me. ‘He’s just going away to have a rest. And get better. He’s been under pressure and it’s made him angry. Hopefully, he’ll be feeling a lot better soon. Okay?’

  ‘Okay.’ They seemed to accept it, Ellie-Mae holding Frankie’s hand, the two still pressed against Jessica.

  ‘I don’t like Daddy,’ said Frankie. ‘He gets angry.’

  ‘I don’t want him to live with us,’ said Ellie-Mae. ‘I think he should live with someone else. Maybe Nanna?’

  The police officer was asking where Jessica wanted to go. ‘We can get you a place in a refuge now, but we’ll keep him in with us tonight for breach of peace, tomorrow we can make sure there is a barring order so he can’t come back to the house. Where will you be?’

  ‘I want to stay in the house,’ Jessica said, as she tried to put her cardigan back on, but she was shaking so much she couldn’t quite do it, her teeth chattering so loudly as though they were loose inside her head.

  ‘What kind of family support do you have?’ said the Garda, notebook out, pen at the ready.

  ‘My mam,’ said Jessica, ‘but she’s in Galway. I’ll call her.’

  ‘Is she aware of your situation?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think she suspects.’ Jessica’s shaking became more violent, the two children clung to her even more, the three trembling as one.

  ‘Would you like to come to Mum’s house, just until your mam is home?’ I said.

  Jessica shook her head. ‘I want the kids to be in their own beds, I want them to know they can be safe here.’ She began crying again and crouched down to Ellie-Mae and Frankie. ‘We’re going to be fine,’ she said as they both looked at her with their eyes wide.

  ‘A liaison officer will be with you in the morning,’ said the Garda.

  Jessica nodded, still shivering, as the officer put her arm around Jessica. ‘You are doing the right thing,’ she said. ‘The worst thing you can do is go back now. This is your chance of a new future.’

  When the police had gone and the neighbours had retreated, we went into the house.

  ‘Who would like hot chocolate?’ said Will to Ellie-Mae and Frankie, and then to Jessica, ‘I can go to the shop and get what we need?’

  ‘No, we have everything.’ She smiled at him. ‘Thank you, Dr Butler.’

  ‘Call me Will,’ he said. ‘I am sorry you’ve gone through this. It’s so hard to get away from abusive people. You spend so long trying to change them.’

  While he was warming the milk and spooning the drinking chocolate into mugs, I went into every room turning off the lights. Upstairs, I switched off the central lights and turned on the bedside lamps in the children’s rooms and in the main bedroom, hoping they looked warm and cosy. And safe.

  Downstairs again, the children were drinking their hot chocolate silently, both squashed up against Jessica. Will put Pablo beside them and Ellie-Mae stroked his head.

  ‘We’re just going to be as normal as possible,’ Jessica said. ‘And Daddy’s going to get better, isn’t he? Now, you two, time for bed!’

  Will and I tidied the kitchen while Jessica was upstairs.

  ‘Do you think she will press charges?’ I said, picking up toys from the floor and putting them into a plastic crate.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Will, turning around from the sink where he was washing the cups. ‘I hope she does. My mother should have…’ He looked over at me, an expression on his face I couldn’t quite decipher. ‘My Dad was a bully,’ he went on, after a pause. ‘Mr Butler… scion of the community, great man around town. A teacher, no less! But at home he was an angry little man. He used to bully all of us, put us down, shout, ignore us. He would walk past me in the street and act like I
didn’t exist. Or other times when I was reading a book or doing something really quietly, he’d come up to me and swipe me across the side of my head. And he was awful to Mum. He used to treat her so badly, but Dermot and I couldn’t ever protect her. He would find exactly the right word or thing to put you in your place. He always found a way to get under your skin that would leave you helpless…’ He looked at me and shrugged. ‘I just wish Mum had left him. He had a heart attack when I was nineteen. My God, that was a relief. I remember thinking I can now get on with my life…’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, my fingers touching Mum’s locket, feeling so lucky to have Mum and for her to have had Gran.

  ‘It’s a long time ago,’ he said. ‘I’ve done a lot of work on myself since then, but I was just telling you because I know what it’s like to live with someone who bullies you. I have spent my life trying not to be someone like him. Who knows what was wrong with him, what feelings of insecurity and jealousy he had or what his demons were? But I’m more concerned with my life and… finding contentment.’ Will was leaning against the side of the counter. ‘I’m lucky. I like my life and I wouldn’t change a thing.’

  Jessica came back into the kitchen and immediately burst into tears, her hands up to show she was all right. ‘I’m fine, I’m fine… just scared and worried but also happy. I’m going to call Mam and Kat, my sister, now and let them know what’s going on and I can decide what to do.’

  ‘Will you be all right?’

  ‘I will have to be,’ she said. ‘I’ve no choice.’

  On the doorstep, I hugged her goodbye. ‘You’re not coming to work tomorrow, okay? But I’ll call you in the morning to see how you are.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Thanks for coming. I just needed it to end. It was just going on and on and on…’ She was still shaking. ‘It was you saying wear your crown,’ she said. ‘I didn’t know what you meant at first, and then it suddenly made sense. I want to wear my crown. I want Ellie-Mae and Frankie to know their worth,’ she said. ‘And it comes from me.’

  And then it was Will’s turn to hug her. ‘I’ve written my number down on the pad on the kitchen table,’ he said. ‘Call me any time.’

  Jessica nodded. ‘It’s time I changed my story,’ she said, ‘and not go round and round in circles.’

  Will drove me home, holding my hand all the way and, when he said goodbye, he kissed me – softly, lingeringly.

  ‘I’m really happy,’ he said, looking at me.

  ‘Me too,’ I said, feeling a wonderful sensation that all was well with the world.

  ‘I’ll call you first thing,’ he said, smiling. ‘Goodbye, intriguing Olivia.’

  He smiled and I stood on the road for a moment, wondering how on earth my life had changed so much and so quickly. So, I was moving back to Sandycove? Could I do it?

  Kylie went through my head. And everything went from wrong to right… then there was you.

  30

  Roberto: OMG. The meringue was a disaster. It exploded in the oven. Still cleaning the kitchen. Am finding meringue particles everywhere, including parts of my body. Think St Mary of Berry made a mistake in recipe. Going back to check.

  Roberto: No, not Mary’s mistake. I used too much vinegar. She said teaspoon and I used a tablespoon and I put in bicarb and not cornflour. Made for a science experiment. All is forgiven Mary!

  Roberto: Going to try again. Love you Princess Liv!

  Roberto: Liv? Are you there?

  Roberto: Liv?

  Me: I’m here! Will tell you everything later.

  Roberto: Are you OKAY? Do you need rescuing? I will come to Ireland for you. IF YOU NEED ME?!

  Me: No! I’m fine. I’m more than fine… will explain. Love you!

  Roberto: Call me when you can. Love you too!

  The next morning, I knew I couldn’t go a step further with my plans without letting Roberto know. He was the only thing I was going to miss about my old life, and I was already feeling disloyal. He answered after the first ring, even though it was only 8 a.m.

  ‘Liv? What’s happened? You’re running off with Bono? You’ve just won Best Soda Bread in the Irish Countrywoman’s Annual Show? You’ve discovered you’re the only heir left to the Guinness fortune and you are retiring to Maui?’

  I laughed. ‘None of the above,’ I said. ‘Sadly. But I am about to do something radical and I need to know what you think. You give the best advice of anyone I know.’

  ‘Better than Bronagh?’

  ‘Different to Bronagh. You don’t worry about my feelings, you give it to me straight… and sometimes that’s exactly what I need.’

  ‘Are you dying?’ he said. ‘Just tell me it’s not that and I can breathe and make myself a cup of tea and dispense my bounteous wisdom.’

  ‘I’m not dying…’

  ‘Good. What time’s it with you?’

  ‘8.03 a.m… the same time as you.’

  ‘Ah…’ I could hear him getting out of bed, and his voice muffled. ‘But London time is different to Dublin time. Faster? I think we might be a few light-seconds ahead… right, dressing gown on. Lovely new Balinese slippers gifted by Felipe.’

  ‘Felipe? So he is back?’ I hoped he was. Roberto had never been happier than when he and Felipe were together.

  ‘Who do you think I have been doing all this cooking for? Well, he is worming his way – very successfully, I might add – into my affections. Apparently, he’s very sorry and should never have left in the first place. Hated every moment of travelling. And missed me. Apparently. And so I’ve decided to give him another chance. We will see how he gets on. He’s got a lot of making up to do.’ I could hear Felipe’s voice in the background. ‘Yes, Felipe,’ he said. ‘I’m talking about you to my real friend Olivia. No, she hasn’t forgiven you, Felipe. And she never will. Now, Liv, tell me, how are you? I am going into the kitchen to make a cup of Earl Grey…’

  ‘I’m going to stay,’ I said.

  ‘Stay where?’

  ‘In Ireland!’ I said. ‘In Sandycove! I am going to start up my business again… so much has happened. Maribelle has resigned and I’ve been given redundancy and I have met someone. We went out last night after the fire in Nouveau You and we had banana splits and then we went to Jessica’s and Damien was arrested!’

  ‘Hold it! Hold it! Whoa! Right. Deep breath. First of all, what the hell? Secondly, who the hell? And thirdly, when the hell? You’ve been gone for three weeks and there have been fires and arrests and banana splits?’

  I laughed.

  ‘I want to stay,’ I said, ‘except I’ll miss you too much. You’ve been the most fun and best friend ever. I wouldn’t have stayed in London without you, but I want to stay and start up Seasalt again.’

  There was silence on the end of the line.

  ‘I just think it’s the best thing for me…’ I said. ‘Please say something.’

  ‘I’ll miss you, sugar cane,’ he said.

  ‘And I’ll miss you, Miss Minogue.’

  ‘I suppose I will have to come over to Dublin from time to time now.’

  ‘Will you? Because I don’t want to not see you all the time. And we can FaceTime and we can still talk to each other.’

  ‘It’s not the same, though,’ he said.

  ‘No.’

  We were silent again.

  ‘But I think you’re doing the right thing,’ he said. ‘You have my blessing and my complete and utter support and love, and I throw confetti and stardust on you from afar.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really. You don’t know how amazing you are. I wouldn’t have survived London without you either.’

  ‘And you’re happy with Felipe?’

  ‘I think so,’ he said. ‘He’s making it up to me.’

  ‘Because I need to know that there is someone to take care of you.’

  ‘And I need to know someone is taking care of you. Tell me about this man. Does he deserve you?’

  ‘I think so,’ I said. ‘He
’s the kind of person who makes you feel as though you are important, as though everyone is important. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone… so happy. And he has big shoulders and he likes dogs. You will love him. And he’ll love you.’

  ‘But the big question is, does he like Kylie? Or is he into Coldplay or Mumford & Sons?’

  I laughed. ‘He likes Adele. She got him through his divorce.’

  ‘I like him,’ Roberto said. ‘I think a man who cries along to Adele is someone I could respect.’

  ‘I think so too.’ I paused. ‘I love you, Prince Roberto.’

  ‘Love you too, Queen Olivia.’

  My next job was to call the council to be put on the list for the new stalls in the Sunday market. Seasalt was a go.

  The man on the phone remembered me from ten years earlier. ‘We’ll put you down for September, all right with you?’

  ‘Yes…’ I felt excitement bubbling in my veins, my brain working overtime… there was so much to do. I’d need to register the business, start buying bottles, packaging and labels and sourcing my ingredients, all the lavender and rose petals and orange oil and calendula. And I needed to start collecting seaweed.

  ‘And, Olivia?’ he said. ‘Welcome home.’

  ‘Remember, it’s Henry’s party tonight,’ said Mum. ‘He’s sixty-five today. We’re going into town for the day… and I am going crutch-free!’

  ‘Take it easy, okay?’

  ‘I will,’ she said. ‘We’re going to park on St Stephen’s Green and wander up to the National Gallery.’

  ‘Are you sure you can do all that walking?’

  ‘I feel better,’ she said. ‘I really do. They said three weeks and I feel like I could walk for miles. I might even go back to Pilates next week.’

  ‘Steady on,’ I said.

  ‘We’re going to have a lovely lunch in Chapter One and then party at 6 p.m. Bring Will.’

  ‘I might.’ I’d ask Will and Bronagh. Maybe Bronagh might like to bring Fergal?

  ‘How did it go last night?’ said Mum.