God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  Brendan is sitting alone away from the crowd and is busy on his cell phone. Kevin sneaks up on him. “What are you doing?” Kevin asks. “Chatting to some friends,” Brendan replies. “I just want to tell you that I actually have hair on my balls,” Kevin says.

  “Really?” Brendan says, smiling at him. Kevin is not sure what it is, but when Brendan looks at him in that way, he has an extraordinary weird feeling at the bottom of his stomach. It feels as if all the muscles are pulling together and it is exciting in a way, too. But weird, very weird. His whole body begins to shake. It feels as if he can’t breathe, though he actually breathes very deeply. “Yes,” Kevin says, swallowing loudly. His entire body lightens up. Brendan keeps on looking at Kevin, smiling at him and somehow Kevin can’t look away. He is totally overwhelmed by what he feels throughout his body. Eventually he simply walks away, feeling ever so silly. He can feel he is blushing, but luckily it’s dark enough that no-one can see him.

  The rest of the night is quiet. Kevin doesn’t feel like talking to anyone. He is trying to understand what has just happened. “What is going on with my body? I’ve never had these feelings before. It is more exciting than anything I’ve ever felt before. Not rugby, playing the piano or travelling to Germany is as exciting as this. What is going on?” he wonders.

  At the same time, he finds it difficult to look at Brendan, because that makes him have these feelings all over again. Yet, he finds himself staring at Brendan constantly as if he has no control over it. “How is it possible that Brendan looks so different from earlier today?” he wonders.

  That night, Kevin cannot sleep. He is tossing and turning and can’t calm down. He keeps seeing Brendan’s face where he is smiling at him. “How weird is that?” he thinks. He hears his brother and sister breathing while they sleep and that bothers him. They aren’t snoring or anything, but he is used to having his own room. After a while he gets up and goes outside. He wants to have a chat with God about it. Outside, there are still some coals smouldering and Kevin adds a few pieces of wood to get a fire going again. He is alone. It is a quiet and wonderful night. The stars look amazing! He feels great.

  “God, what happened to me today?” Kevin asks.

  “You had a new experience. How was it?” God inquires back.

  “You can say that again! New indeed! It was awesome, but I find it difficult to explain. What is going on? Where is it coming from? Why did Brendan suddenly change? It’s all too weird. It felt as if my stomach wanted to explode - but not like when I’ve eaten too much; in a good way,” Kevin says and he is getting more excited as he is talking to God about it.

  “Just be with it,” God says.

  “What? Be with it? Be with what?” Kevin is confused.

  “Just be with the feeling. I’m not going to tell you more. Part of my job is to teach and your job is to learn. But I teach differently from the teachers at school. I don’t start with: “OK kids, today we’re going to learn…” and then tell you what you are going to learn. With me it’s different. I give you situations; ideas, circumstances and then you react to them. Your reaction is how you learn. You may discover that one reaction is better than another and so you learn what works for you and what doesn’t work for you. Some people never learn and always react the same way hoping for a different outcome. That’s crazy! The commandments are there because some possibilities should never be an option. Going a route that breaks a commandment is obviously silly, because I told you that there is nothing to learn there,” God explains.

  “I’m confused, God. I don’t understand what you are saying,” Kevin says while scratching his head.

  “I can say no different. You may not understand now, but you may later, once you have learned what there is to be learned,” God replies.

  “Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on with my body? I don’t know what to do,” Kevin says.

  “Did Christopher Columbus know what to do? Did Thomas Cook? They travelled into unknown waters. They were exploring. You are doing that now. Do not fear. Everything will turn out as it should. I have faith in you! Just be with it,” God says.

  Kevin feels it is the strangest conversation he has ever had with God. He is even more perplexed. He is naturally curious and wants to know how things work, but with this he doesn’t know where to begin. He stares into the fire as he wonders about it and he is filled with excitement for having these feelings.

  The next morning Kevin wakes up late with a hard-on. He has noticed it before, but once again today is different. Normally it goes away after a while, but today it just won’t go away. He thinks it is rather funny. Eventually he puts on tight pants with a T-shirt hanging over so that no one can see anything. Brendan and his family have gone to Mkhuzi-Umfolozi Nature reserve for two days. They already left early in the morning and he really wants to speak to Brendan again. The morning is extremely boring so he goes for a swim.

  At the pool he does the normal jumping and diving and goes down the super-tube. After a while he notices that some of the guys around the pool are different. When he looks at them, he feels the same feeling as with Brendan, but luckily not that intense. What is weird though is with some guys, it feels as if his willy is getting a bit harder. It’s completely uncontrollable and he doesn’t know what to do. He stays inside the pool for a very long time.

  Eventually, he needs to go to the toilet. He has to get out of the pool, because it is wrong to wee in the water. He would never do that! He notices that when he looks at all the grandfathers and grandmothers, that none of these strange feelings appear. So, he concentrates mostly on them when he walks to the toilet. While he is standing at the urinal, four guys come in to change into their swimsuits. When he turns around, two of them are completely naked. Again he has the wild rush like before, but this time even stronger! He can’t help but to stare at them. It is the same feeling, in his stomach and in his pants all over again. In a way, he likes these feelings.

  “Can I help you?” the one asks. “No!” Kevin replies and runs out without washing his hands. Outside he decides rather to go back to the lodge. The swimming pool is too much excitement and confusion at the same time.

  “How was the swim? You were gone for a long time. Did you make any friends?” his mother asks.

  Kevin thinks for a moment. “It was nice, but I didn’t make any friends today,” he says as he tries to get away from his mother. It is all getting a bit too much for him. He wishes he could speak to Brendan about this. He goes for a walk in the forest again that afternoon. It is safer since he doesn’t know how to control his body anymore.

  That evening Kevin’s parents want a night out alone. They ask the parents of Melissa, Marcus’ new love of his life (for the next three weeks), to look after them while they go out. Kevin is not impressed, but thinks that just as he wants to spend time alone with his mom or dad, they probably want the same too.

  At Melissa’s flat, a few rows down from their flat, they have to spend the evening. She has a brother Tommy, who is two years older than Kevin. Melissa is actually quite nice, compared to the rest of her family. Her mother is smoking all the time and is swearing like Kevin’s dad does when he is angry. So Kevin thinks initially that she must be really angry, because she is swearing so much, but later realises that is how she speaks. He thinks of what his father often says: “It’s OK to swear, as long as you have more adjectives and adverbs than just swear words.” Kevin understands now what he meant. She would say: “Take that fucken plate or hurry the fuck up!” It’s so funny!

  Her father is overweight and sits in front of the TV, drinking brandy and watching rugby. He keeps yelling at the fucken ref. Tommy is in his room with his Xbox. His mother tells him to play nicely with Kevin, then turns to him and says: “You’ll have to excuse him, because he didn’t take his fucken Ritalin today. Kevin thinks: ”Gee, who are these people? And now Marc and Melissa are calling each other honey and lovey. I mean really! My brother has blue eyes and blond hair, very masculine and goes to the
gym every day. He thinks he is the gift to mankind - or is that womankind. Does she realise that two days after the holidays he will have another chick again?”

  “If you two want to fool around too much, just use condoms. I don’t want fucken grandchildren now,” her father says. Marcus is blushing, like never before. Kevin bursts out laughing. His parents never talk about any sexual stuff. Even watching a movie when people kiss makes everyone uncomfortable at his home. From that, to this. Wow! Melissa’s family is from Witbank. Kevin has heard many jokes about Witbank people and now understands why.

  Playing some car game on Xbox, Tommy does very much the same as his father. He swears and yells at the screen all the time. Kevin wants to play with Tommy, but is a bit worried about his sister. She has no one to play with, but Melissa’s mother keeps her busy in the kitchen. Klara is quite happy helping her and tells Kevin that she doesn’t want to play Xbox. She likes Melissa’s mother.

  When they start playing, Kevin also gets right into the joy and action. After a while, he too is swearing at the screen and shouting like crazy. The entire house is so noisy with everyone yelling in each corner of the house. “This is what you would call a madhouse,” Kevin thinks.

  While Tommy is playing another round and without looking away from the screen, he asks Kevin, “How many times a day do you wank?” Kevin doesn’t understand the question. He doesn’t know what wank means. He has heard of wanker before, but thought that applied to an idiot. Kevin thinks for a moment and is a bit embarrassed that he doesn’t know what wank means, so he says, “It differs from day to day. You?”

  “About twice a day. I feel like wanking now. Do you want to join me?” Tommy asks Kevin.

  “Maybe later,” Kevin says.

  Kevin is so relieved when his parents finally return. They are back early, because the restaurant they were at had a live band which, according to his dad, wasn’t very good. “They drove me insane! The singing was out of tune. The drums were too loud and too much bass on the sound system. My kids could make better music!” his dad says. Their entire family is rather musical.

  Kevin can’t stop talking about the experience at Melissa’s family, especially on how they are swearing. Kevin’s mother says: “It’s better not to swear, but don’t judge others if they do.”

  “I know. But it’s so fucken funny,” Kevin says and they are all laughing. Late that night, when he is in bed already, he remembers that he wanted to ask his parents what wank means, but forgot completely about it.

  Chapter III

  Late the next evening Brendan and his family finally return. Kevin can’t wait to speak to Brendan, but Brendan has a headache and goes straight to bed. “He gets migraines often,” his mother says. “No one seems to figure out why.” Kevin is really concerned about Brendan which surprises Aunt Sally.

  The next morning, Kevin gets up early. He hopes Brendan is OK, but doesn’t want to disturb anyone, so he goes for a walk in the forest again. There are so many things he wants to ask Brendan. Kevin is somewhat surprised at how much he sees Brendan as a friend. He was always around, but he hardly noticed him until now.

  They all have breakfast together again. Kevin is relieved to see that Brendan is doing fine. “Kevin was a little worried about you last night,” Aunt Sally says. Brendan looks at Kevin and smiles and once again - all these feelings rush throughout his body as before. Kevin finds it almost unbearable and wants to figure out what is going on. “There is a path in the forest I want to show you after breakfast if you want to come,” Kevin asks Brendan. “Sure, we can go after breakfast.” Needless to say, Kevin doesn’t feel like eating. He just wants to get going.

  On the way, Kevin asks Brendan if he is really OK. “Yes, I get migraines often. It’s really terrible pain in my head and in my eye, usually on the left side. I’m also usually nauseous and the only thing that helps is just to go to bed.”

  “Do you take medicine?” Kevin asks.

  “Yes, but for something else.” Brendan replies.

  “For what then?” Kevin asks.

  “For depression,” Brendan replies.

  “What is that?” Kevin wants to know.

  “I don’t really know, but they say it’s an illness of the mind. I have to go see a psychologist for it as well. But I don’t want to talk about that,” Brendan says.

  Kevin picks up a stick in the road and says: “OK, I have something else I really want to talk about. The other night when you were chatting on your phone and I told you about the hair on my balls, I had a very weird feeling afterwards when you looked at me.”

  Brendan laughs and says, “Well, I had a weird feeling too!”

  “I never had it before! It was awesome. I don’t know what it is or where it is coming from. It was in my stomach, as if my muscles pull together. And the next day when you went to the game reserve, I went swimming. When I looked at some of the boys, I would get the same feeling and sometimes, even in my pants. It was totally weird. And afterwards when I went to the toilet, I saw two guys completely naked and then it was even worse!” Kevin keeps rambling on and on.

  Brendan can’t believe what he is hearing. “I can’t believe you talk about this so openly,” he says.

  “Why? What’s wrong with it?” Kevin asks.

  “Nothing, I guess.” Brendan doesn’t know how to answer that question. “I don’t know how it works,” he says.

  “Do you have these feelings too?” Kevin wants to know.

  “Yes, I do. I’ve just never told anyone about it. You are the first one I am telling about this,” Brendan says and then presses his lips together.

  “I am? But why didn’t you tell anyone else?” Kevin asks again.

  “My god, but you are inquisitive.” Brendan takes a deep breath and sighs. “Because your brother gets this feeling with girls and I get it with boys. That’s what makes me a freak.”

  “What? Why are you a freak?” Kevin asks.

  “Because, normally one feels like this with girls,” Brendan replies.

  “Does that mean I’m a freak, too? I don’t understand,” Kevin says.

  “No, you are not. You are very strange and special at the same time. I feel so relieved to at least tell someone about it,” Brendan says. “I don’t feel as lonely anymore. It’s complicated. You won’t understand. You’re too young,” Brendan says quite sternly.

  “I don’t understand because you are not explaining anything. And don’t say I’m too young. I know about more things than you think. Didn’t you notice when we chatted on the boat?”

  “This is different. I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s a sexual thing. You know our families don’t deal well with sexual matters,” Brendan says. He is gesturing more and more with his arms.

  “It’s sexual? But if I see sexual scenes on TV, I don’t feel like this,” Kevin says.

  “When was the first time you felt it?” Brendan asks.

  “With you, the other night; and then the next day with so many others guys over and over again. And the day after that. I must say, a part of me feels it’s a bit too much, but then again I feel like wanting more. I don’t know what is going on with my body,” Kevin says while hitting trees with the stick.

  “You will definitely feel different about sexual matters from now on, I can promise you that. Not all of it feels good. I sometimes feel awful about it,” Brendan says.

  “But why? I think it’s great! Even if it’s sexual, it’s something new and I should explore. I’m becoming a man. I think it’s great and you should too,” Kevin says.

  Brendan doesn’t know how to deal with Kevin and becomes a bit frustrated. “I think we should talk about something else,” he says.

  “OK, but I want to talk about it, so if you want to talk about it, let me know. As you said, if it’s sexual, there is no one else I can talk to in my family,” Kevin says as he throws away the stick.

  “Yes, yes, now just leave it!” Brendan says.

  Once again there is a hint of rudeness in Bre
ndan’s voice. Kevin doesn’t understand anything more about his body, but doesn’t want to annoy Brendan. He feels a bit disappointed that Brendan reacted this way and wonders why. He thinks that it’s probably the depression. They keep on walking without saying a word.

  Brendan on the other hand actually wants to talk about it. For so long, he has wished that someone would understand him and now he’s found someone. “But he is still a little kid,” he thinks. “He couldn’t possibly understand the gravity of the situation and I don’t want to explain everything.”

  After a while, Kevin remembers the evening with Melissa’s family and tells Brendan about it. Both of them laugh at the strangeness of that family. Then Kevin remembers something and says, ”I have a question, but promise me you won’t laugh.”

  “I won’t,” Brendan says. He expects something serious.

  “What does wank mean?” Kevin says.

  Brendan bursts out laughing and cries out: “You don’t know?”

  Kevin is immediately upset. ”You told me you won’t laugh!” he cries out.

  “I know, I know, but why do you ask me that now? I told you I don’t want to talk about it,” Brendan replies.

  “You said you don’t want to talk about the stomach feelings and sexual stuff. What does wank have to do with it?” Kevin asks Brendan.

  “It’s kind of the same, or actually it’s something you do after you feel these feelings,” he says.

  “Something you do? Will you show me then?” Kevin asks.

  Once again Brendan cracks up. “I don’t believe this. You are twelve years old and you are already making advances. I admire you! You’re the man! I’ve never had the courage to do that,” Brendan says.

  “What do you mean by making advances? And I’ll be 13 in February,” Kevin says defensively. He hates it when people talk about his age. His brother does it all the time.