God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  In Mr Van Kerken’s history class the page is open on the Second Boer War, also called the Second Freedom War. Kevin is not in the mood to learn about this today. He would rather learn about European history. Mr Van Kerken reads a paragraph and then describes what happened over a hundred years ago.

  Suddenly, as if something flew into him, Mr Van Kerken asks the class whether they have read about the church’s apology for Danie Botha, the musician, for his remarks on gays.1 Kevin’s heart is pounding and his hands are visibly shaking and beginning to sweat as well. “Is he going to talk about that now? No, I’ll rather learn about the stupid Boer War!” he thought. All Kevin knows about Danie Botha is that he is a singer, and he likes the song, Wenners, wenners, wenners. He always finds it is inspiring to listen to before athletics or rugby. His mother has a few of his CDs, but his father doesn’t like him. His father doesn’t like any gospel music - says that it lacks depth. His father says that a better song before rugby is, ‘You’ll win every fight you fight, every game you play’ by Helmut Lotti. Kevin, though, likes Danie Botha’s music.

  Mr Van Kerken tells the class what Danie Botha said: “Those who practice homosexuality and lesbianism will open their eyes in hell and will not see the Kingdom of God.”2 Kevin can’t believe what he is hearing. He feels that he cannot breathe and is jittery. “Will I go to hell now? I can’t go to the Kingdom of God because I like other boys and not girls? This is awful. How will I change this?” he wonders. “I don’t want to go to hell. I have always been a good boy and love God very much. How can a singer say this about me?”

  “The church is wrong to apologize for Danie Botha’s statement,” says Mr Van Kerken. “What Danie Botha says is the truth. He himself said that it is not his opinion, but the Word of God.” Mr Van Kerken pauses for a while, looks out of the window and continues, “The church doesn’t represent God’s Will anymore. They change all the time as it suits them. Thank goodness for people like Danie Botha, who still tell the Truth.”

  For the remainder of the class Mr Van Kerken went on and on about this topic. For the rest of the day Kevin is finished. He can’t concentrate; can’t think about anything else except the fact that he won’t go to Heaven. “I haven’t spoken to God for four days and already I’m sad. Imagine being without God for ever and ever. That would be so miserable!” he thinks.

  That Friday afternoon it is his friend Andrew’s birthday party and Kevin is invited, but he doesn’t want to go. Kevin’s mother is concerned because he hasn’t been himself the entire week. She didn’t hear him laugh once and now he doesn’t want to go to a birthday party and swim?

  “Kevin, what is going on?” his mother asks.

  “Nothing,” Kevin says.

  “Don’t tell me it’s nothing. I am your mother and I know you. What is the matter? You’re clearly unhappy about something,” his mother says.

  Kevin remembers about the watch and although it is painful to admit that, he thinks it’s better than telling his mother he’s going to hell, because he likes boys and wanking, too. He begins to cry, “I lost the watch you gave me,” he says. “I’m really sorry. I know you trusted me, and I didn’t want to disappoint you, but I forgot it in the bathroom and then it was gone,” Kevin tells her while crying uncontrollably. He hasn’t cried like this since he broke his arm. He feels like such a baby, but can’t help it to sob and gasp and cry. His mother holds him against her and says, “It’s OK, it’s OK, don’t worry.” But Kevin holds her tight and just keeps on crying and crying, louder and louder. The floodgates are wide open. This is unbearable for his mother and she has to hold her tears back. He never cries like this and she feels frustrated that he won’t stop. After what appears to be an eternity, Kevin lets her go and sees that half of her blouse is completely wet with his tears. His nose is running and he feels silly for being such a baby.

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” his mother says. “It’s just a watch. Remember last year when Aunt Sally was hijacked? It was just a car, she said afterwards. Luckily, she was fine. It’s an earthly thing.”

  “Thanks for understanding, Mom,” Kevin says, “but I still don’t want to go to the party.”

  “You don’t have to. I’ll let his mother know,” she responds.

  “I’m so tired. I think I’m going to lie down for a while,” Kevin says and goes to his room.

  Kevin’s mother is deeply distressed. She knows that Kevin can be a bit tough on himself. She didn’t realize how much he liked that watch. “Maybe I should get him another one,” she wonders. “And Kevin sleeping during the day? He hardly did that even when he was a baby!” she thinks. “There must be something wrong. Maybe when he wakes up I’ll have another chat with him.”

  Kevin is exhausted. He falls on his bed and doesn’t even change out of his uniform. He falls asleep immediately. While sleeping, he has nightmares that he and Brendan are in hell, burning and shouting. Eventually he wakes up from it. He still feels so tired when he wakes up. He really wants to talk to God now. This time he thinks, “I felt so much better telling my mother about the watch. Maybe I’ll feel better talking to God too.” He remembers that God said that he’ll need courage. He gathers all his courage and then says, “Hello God, I’m sorry that I didn’t speak to you for so long.”

  “Hello Kevin. I’m seeing your suffering and it is not necessary. Please, never stop talking to me. I’m here for you always and I want to help you,” God replies in a calm, fatherly voice.

  “I’m sorry for being sinful. I’m sorry for wanking and liking other boys and looking at their packages and everything. I promise: I will stop! Please do not send me to hell!” Kevin says loudly and starts crying again.

  “Don’t cry, Kevin. I don’t send anyone to hell. I won’t send you to hell either,” God says.

  Kevin keeps on crying uncontrollably. “Please God, I will change.” God tries to intervene. “Kevin!” he says, but Kevin carries on pleading, “I will do everything you ask of me. I will change and stop being sinful. I don’t want to open my eyes in hell. I always loved you and I still do. I will change. I promise!”

  “You have to listen to me…” God says.

  “I am listening!” Kevin replies out loud.

  “You’re not,” God says.

  At that moment Kevin’s mother comes into the room to see why he is crying again. He is kneeling on the floor; his hands gripped together, his face on the floor.

  “Kevin? What is going on?” she calls out with some desperation in her voice. “Please talk to me,” she says. Kevin doesn’t reply and keeps on crying. His mother thinks it might be easier for him to talk to her in a different environment, so she tells him, “If you want to, we can go to the Wimpy for a bubblegum milkshake.” At that point, Kevin stops crying and has a bit of a smile. He likes bubblegum milkshake. “OK,” he says. His mother is relieved that at least he is willing to do that. “Quickly change into something else and then we can go,” she says.

  Kevin doesn’t say a word on the way to the Wimpy. He is thinking about the last words God said to him before his mother interrupted, “You’re not listening.” “Not listening to what?” he wonders. He is listening to what Mr Van Kerken said about Danie Botha’s statement and surely God is also speaking through them. At least He said he isn’t going to hell. That doesn’t make any sense. Is he going to hell, or not? At least he feels that he can speak to God again.

  At the Wimpy he has a bubblegum milkshake and his mother has a strawberry milkshake. She tells him that if he ever feels that he wants to talk about something, he should let her know. She loves him and there’s nothing that can change that. Kevin wants to believe it, but wonders, “What happens if I tell her what I’m like? Will she still love me? Maybe she will think I am a freak. Oh, so, that’s why Brendan said he’s a freak.” Everything Brendan said makes so much more sense now. Kevin tells his mother that he will talk to her if he has a problem. He is unsure of whether he is telling a lie or not, because he doesn’t think she can help him. It’s
not really a problem she can help him with. After a while they are talking about other things and Kevin feels a lot better. His mother really knows what to do.

  Later that evening Kevin’s father and mother are chatting in the kitchen. Kevin is watching TV alone when his father comes and sits next to him. He puts his arm around him and says, “I think we should go fishing tomorrow - just you and me. What do you say?” Kevin’s eyes light up. “Sure!” he says. He wasn’t that fond of fishing because in his entire life he only caught one fish, well three, but two were too small, so he had to throw them back. He is glad that he is going to spend some time alone with his dad.

  The next morning at the dam, Kevin and his dad are sitting side by side chatting about all kinds of things. His dad knows how much he likes history and science and is telling him about Galileo, Kepler and Copernicus and the stars and how it was discovered that the world was moving around the sun. His father also explains to him that the church at the time was not very happy about this discovery, because they believed the sun revolved around the earth. Galileo was put under house arrest for his final few years before he died, because of his discoveries.

  “But he was right. Why did the church put him under house arrest and declare some of his work as heresy?” Kevin asks.

  “During that time, the church decided what was true and what wasn’t,” Kevin’s father replied. Kevin thinks that the church was extremely stupid. If there was proof of the fact that the earth was moving around the sun, how could they deny it? Even he as a 13 year old boy can understand that.

  His father also tells him the same thing his mother did: that he can share anything he wants with him. Kevin wonders if Marcus and his dad also had this conversation and if Marcus also wanks. But he quickly puts the idea of his brother wanking out of his mind. It isn’t a pretty picture for him. But he is sure that his father is one of the few people who never wanked.

  Later that night, back at home, Kevin is confused about the church. They said the earth was flat, but it isn’t. They said the sun revolves around the earth, but it doesn’t. Now, they apologise for Danie Botha’s comments and Mr Van Kerken says they shouldn’t. “Does anyone know what they are doing?” he wonders.

  “No, they don’t.” God answers his question. “Remember Jesus said ‘Forgive them, for they know not what they do?’ That applies to the world today just as much as it did then. That’s why I need explorers for the road less travelled. Do you remember our conversation about that?”

  “Yes, I do,” Kevin replies.

  “You have to be brave. Do not fear, and please do not fear me. You are very special to me and I don’t want to lose you. People and their ignorance will lead you astray if you don’t listen to me,” God says.

  “But I do listen to you,” Kevin says.

  “Did you listen to me during this week?” God asks.

  “No, but…” Kevin says.

  “There is no but. You didn’t listen to me, because we didn’t speak to each other. If you want to be an explorer, you cannot simply accept what others say. Imagine if Kepler, Copernicus and Galileo just accepted what the church had told them. Where would the world be? Find the truth, Kevin,” God says.

  “But what is the truth about wanking and stuff? I feel this is too much for me,” Kevin says as if he is moaning.

  “It’s not too much for you. Have courage! You will grow up very quickly now and there are many changes going to happen in your life. You will feel even more confused, but do not fear, for I am right here with you,” God says to console him.

  God continues, “Also, it is time for you to realize that when you think you talk to me as God, you talk to the Holy Spirit and sometimes Jesus himself. The Holy Spirit doesn’t yell and shout. If your mind is full of personal monologues or you have images of hell and fear, you will not hear the quiet guidance of the Holy Spirit. Be aware of this!”

  “Why don’t you just answer my question?” Kevin asks with a frown on his forehead.

  “Because you have to live your own life and you have to learn your own lessons. That’s life. It’s risky for me too, because there is a chance that you will desert me and follow the way of the world. I told you, just be with it,” God says.

  “I don’t understand what you mean with ‘just be with it’,” Kevin says.

  “I can say no different. Soon you will understand. Just treasure our conversations and friendship and you will be fine,” God says.

  “Thank you, God. I really feel so much better,” Kevin says while holding his pillow.

  That night Kevin has a good night’s sleep, for the first time that week. The next morning he wakes up with another idea. The medical books he read said that most people, especially men, masturbate. This is more prevalent during teenage years, but frequently continues into later life. So he decides it is OK to have a wank again for the first time in nearly a week. Since it is Sunday, they are going to church later.

  At church, Kevin doesn’t really listen to the sermon as well as he normally does. His mind is racing, thinking about all kinds of other options. Maybe he can change? God mentioned change in one of their conversations; maybe this was his endeavour, exploring how to change his sexuality.

  During a prayer for general concerns, the Pastor usually allows a time of silence for people to pray for personal stuff. He would say, “For all our personal concerns, we now bring them to you in silence,” and remain silent for each member to bring to God whatever they have on their heart. Kevin asks God to help him on his journey to become heterosexual, so that he likes girls instead of boys. Kevin doesn’t have the usual conversation with God, but asks him for that and hopes that his prayer would be answered.

  At the end of the church service, the pastor asks that the following children with their parents should meet him afterwards to discuss something regarding the Confirmation classes. Since Kevin’s family is Lutheran, catechism is earlier than in other churches, but in Vryheid it is especially early, because children in the congregation often go to high schools in other towns. “Of course, I have my Confirmation classes!” he realizes.

  Kevin thinks that those who do not believe in prayer should have their heads examined. He prayed to God to help him and in less than 20 minutes he just got an answer! And it is an answer that he will be busy with for more than a year. “Somewhere it says that even before you ask, it will be answered and this is so true!” he thinks. He will do his Confirmation classes and learn everything there is to learn about God and Christianity and then, on the day of his Confirmation, he will probably be heterosexual and his life could continue as normal again. It’s not that long to wait, but at least he has something he didn’t have before: hope.

  Chapter VII

  Every Monday afternoon Kevin has music theory. Since grade 3 he has been taking music classes and is going to do the Unisa Grade 3 exam for piano this year. Part of music theory is to find out how to read, write and understand music. There are far more girls than boys in his music class, but Kevin doesn’t really find any one of them that interesting. The fact that he still thinks of boys as desirable as opposed to girls, doesn’t bother him that much, because he is sure – he has hope – that at the end of his Confirmation classes he will be heterosexual.

  He sits next to Michael, who is one year older than him and in high school already. Kevin likes him, and thinks of wanking with him often, but doesn’t do anything. There is something different about Michael. To Kevin he is simply beautiful, like an angel. He has blond hair with deep blue eyes and his lips are always red. Why that was, he doesn’t know, but that stands out and looks so cool. He is of slender build and not into sport that much, but very good in music. He plays the piano, the trumpet, the recorder and the guitar. He can play almost anything he hears on the recorder. Kevin admires that, because he has to practise a lot to play piano well and Michael plays four instruments. And he wants to learn to play the violin, but he can’t find a teacher in Vryheid.

  Michael gives Kevin the usual feeling in the stoma
ch: butterflies in the stomach, as some of the girls would say. However, there is something more, a warm feeling in his chest area as well, which is different in a nice way. His knees also feel a bit weak when they stand and chat. Kevin thinks that his life was so much easier when he was younger, because he had three feelings: happy, sad and angry. Now there are so many and what each of them means is quite a mission to understand. Michael also has a touchy-feely nature, and often in conversation touches the person he talks to. Not everyone is like that, and when he touches Kevin, whoo-hoo, all the feelings flow! Music theory is a bit of a drag for Kevin, but this year so far, it has become one of his favourite classes, because of Michael.

  Kevin isn’t sure what to make of it, but thinks he’ll just see where it leads to. The way he is and the looming hell thing puts a bit of a spanner in the works, and his confidence and curiosity are replaced by uncertainty and confusion.

  Mrs Richards, the music teacher, decides to enter all her gifted music students into a competition in Newcastle at the end of August. She decides that Kevin and Michael should play a duet together, a piano piece for four hands. “What a stroke of luck!” Kevin thinks. He doesn’t think he plays the piano well enough to be paired with Michael, but he accepts it anyway. Michael is also entered for the individual categories of the competition with all his instruments.

  Wednesday afternoons are reserved for catechism. Needless to say, Kevin takes this very seriously. For him it is more important than music, school work, rugby or athletics or friends even, because it is the only chance of hope for change.

  Kevin doesn’t understand why there are so many churches and often wonders if they are at the right church, because so many of his friends go to different churches. In catechism, he learns about Martin Luther and Kevin feels rather proud to be in the Lutheran Church. Luther was another explorer, except he was searching for the truth. He realized that everything about the church just didn’t make sense and that the only way out would be the truth. He is a different kind of explorer than Columbus or Copernicus or Einstein, but an explorer nonetheless. He had courage and even in the face of certain death, persevered. His ideas and translation of the Bible from Latin into German, a language that ordinary people could speak, led to the church Reformation and the Renaissance, a renewal of mankind, and moved mankind out of the Dark Ages.