God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  In his mind he is thanking God for the wonderful experience and that they won. He thanks God for someone as special as Michael. He doesn’t understand how the feelings he has for Michael just get bigger and better all the time, like there is no end to them.

  He is also thinking about his Confirmation in October. How will that work? What will happen between him and Michael? He doesn’t want to stop whatever this is with Michael. Will he have the same feelings with a girl? And what girl? He hardly ever thinks about girls. He only notices that a girl looks nice if someone says, “Wow, look at that girl! She’s really pretty.” Then only he looks at her and thinks, “Oh, she is pretty! Who knew?” Since he has been with Michael he notices that he doesn’t look around as much at other boys anymore. He is less curious about the package they are hiding under their pants and he doesn’t want to wank with anyone other than Michael. He still has these weird feelings in his stomach sometimes when he speaks to certain boys that look cool, but rarely. He wonders if all of these observations are signs that his catechism is paying off and that he is already changing. Maybe Michael’s influence helps him reduce the thoughts of other boys with their naked bodies and the urge to want to wank with them.

  When Kevin sees the sign, 10km to Vryheid, he wraps up his thoughts. He has been thinking about everything from Newcastle and they have been on the road for more than an hour already. What should he do about Michael? He doesn’t know. But he decides that since it seems like a good thing that Michael is in his life, he’ll just be with it for now.

  Chapter X

  It is early October and spring is in full swing. The fires that often surround Vryheid in winter have come to an end and everything is green and beautiful. Kevin isn’t sure if the weather has anything to do with it, but both he and Michael can’t keep their hands off each other. As luck would have it, of course, neither’s parents had a problem with their sleeping over and because Michael is often home alone there is more than enough opportunity.

  Kevin and Michael are busy smooching again in Michael’s room. Michael goes down and starts to suck his willy. Kevin hisses at him, “What the hell are you doing?!” “It’s called a blowjob,” Michael says and continues. Kevin thinks it is way too strange. He had thought about it before, but didn’t think one would actually do it! It felt awesome! He has a completely different feeling in his willy and thinks that Michael should also find out what it feels like. Kevin says that he wants to do it too and moves down to Michael’s willy and starts sucking it. “You have to suck it, not bite it!” Michael protests. “Get your teeth out of the way!” Kevin feels a bit silly, but then gets it right. He actually likes giving a blowjob too, and receiving it. He figures out that if they lie in a certain position, both of them can give and receive a blowjob. Afterwards they finish with a wank.

  Kevin wonders how Michael came up with the idea of a blowjob and asks him while they were getting dressed. “I don’t know. I thought about it before and now tried it and you liked it, didn’t you? It’s the same way I figured out how to wank,” Michael says.

  Kevin is surprised and asks, “Did you figure out how to wank by yourself?”

  “Yes, of course. Didn’t you?” Michael asks.

  “Eh, no. My cousin…” Kevin begins.

  “You didn’t figure that out by yourself? I was like ten or eleven…” Michael interrupts.

  “Yeah, all right, we all have a different way…” Kevin interrupts him again. He feels a bit out done by Michael. Michael is curious about how Kevin got to wank and gets ready to ask a question, but then just exhales without saying anything.

  Kevin then thinks of something else he and Michael have never spoken about. He asks Michael, “Do you ever feel guilty about what we do, because sometimes I do.”

  Michael frowns and says, “No, to me it feels exciting when we are together. Why should I feel guilty about it?”

  “Because some people think it is wrong when two guys do something sexual. What do you think?” Kevin asks.

  “Nothing. Some guys like boys and some guys like girls. There’s nothing more to it,” Michael says.

  “Do you tell anyone about it?” Kevin asks?

  “No. It’s no one else’s business,” Michael replies.

  “And what about God?” Kevin wants to know.

  “What about God?” Michael asks.

  “I’ve been reading up on the matter. There is a lot of information on the internet,” Kevin says.

  “On the internet?” Michael says and begins to laugh. He says, “If you put the word gay, all you see is porn! How did you find any information?”

  “Porn is not my thing, but I figured it out. I’m serious here,” Kevin says firmly. “Some people say it is OK, but far more seem to say that it is wrong and that we will go to hell. And there’s Mr Van Kerken who never seems to stop his moaning about gays, and Lady Gaga and all things evil,” Kevin says.

  “Oh, that asshole! I’m so glad I don’t have class with that idiot anymore,” Michael says.

  “But don’t you respect your teachers?” Kevin asks.

  “Not all of them. Come on, we have some stupid teachers who don’t know much. Mr Van Kerken is one of them. He is supposed to teach history and he doesn’t do that well. What is there to respect?” Michael says.

  Kevin is surprised at Michael’s attitude and exclaims, “But we have to respect our teachers!”

  Michael shakes his head, showing doubt, and says, “OK, maybe we have to respect them. But we don’t have to believe every word they say. He’s a nutcase!” Michael sighs, “OK, let’s talk about this, because you begin to worry me. I never realized you had problems with this. Some say that we choose to be like this, right?”

  “Yes,” Kevin says.

  “So when did you choose to like boys and not girls?” Michael asks.

  “I don’t remember. Actually, I never did. It kind of just happened with some weird feelings with my cousin,” Kevin says.

  “Same with me. Those against gays don’t know because they are not gay. They can’t possibly understand this,” Michael says.

  “It’s not as simple as…” Kevin says.

  “It is!” Michael raises his voice, interrupting Kevin. He gets frustrated with Kevin. “Look, I’m left handed and you are right handed, right? When did you choose that?” Michael asks.

  “I didn’t. It happened automatically,” Kevin replies.

  “Same with me - just automatically - I am different from you. But my grandmother, who also writes with her left hand, was beaten with a stick until she wrote with her right hand when she was in school. She often tells me how lucky I am to live in a time when they don’t do that anymore,” Michael says.

  Kevin is quiet and thinks for a minute. What Michael has said makes great sense and is a good argument. “He should be a debater,” Kevin thinks. He realises it is the same argument of the earth being flat, the sun revolving around the earth, the atom that cannot be divided and all of those things that were once believed to be true, but then proven not to be true. “I understand what you mean. It’s just difficult, you know,” Kevin says.

  “It’s not supposed to be difficult. Don’t you trust yourself and your ability to tell right from wrong?” Michael asks.

  “I do, but I have my doubts,” Kevin says.

  “And those doubts are put there by idiots. Take it from whom it comes. And don’t take it from idiots!” Michael says, “Mr Van Kerken is an idiot!”

  It is clear to Kevin that Michael has thought about this topic a lot and to him it seems quite simple. Michael tries to change the subject to something lighter. “When you did your research, did you come across the word faggot?” he asks, smiling.

  “Yes, and I saw a poster when some church people were marching in a parade that said ‘God hates fags.’ But I don’t know what a faggot or fags are…”

  Michael starts laughing and says, “A fagot is a woodwind instrument that is often used in a symphony - or philharmonic - orchestra. It is long and hollow a
nd just about in the middle, is the mouth piece where the player blows to play on it. So,” (and he laughs again)” if a fagot player blows on it, it looks like he is giving the instrument a blowjob!”

  Kevin is laughing too and says, “Really?”

  “Yes, well actually, in English, they call it a bassoon. But in German and Afrikaans it is fagot,” Michael says and opens one of his music books to show him what a bassoon looks like. Kevin looks at it and laughs while holding his hands in front of his mouth.

  Michael goes on, “The funny thing is, that the fagot – the instrument – represents a man that gets a blowjob, so all men who have received a blowjob are technically faggots! And the one that gives a blowjob is a fagot player!” Michael is laughing hysterically. “Kevin, you have to laugh it off,” he says. “These people don’t know what they are talking about. You know more about history than I do and if history tells us anything, it is that most of the time, those with the loudest voices turn out to be wrong.”

  “You’re right. I’m glad that we had this conversation,” Kevin says and Michael hugs him.

  Kevin knows that Michael is right, but he still has his doubts. He explained it perfectly well and backed up his arguments with facts and used great examples. Michael promised to join him as his debating team mate next year when he is also in high school. However there is a ‘but’ with what Michael says. “There is always a ‘but’ and the ‘but’ is about religion,” Kevin thinks.

  That night he is trying to reason things out in his mind. He is restless in his room, making everything neat and tidy and sorting out stuff. “Could most of the churches be wrong? And most people on the internet?” he wonders. With every argument there is a counter argument and Kevin is filled with doubt.

  There is a soft knock on his door. “Come in,” he says. It’s his sister, Klara. She walks in with a teddy bear in her arm and her eyes look as if she doesn’t like the light. He’s surprised to see her up so late. “Aren’t you tired?” Kevin asks. “I am. I was asleep already and dreaming about something and wonder what are you thinking about?“ she replies.

  “What I’m thinking about? Nothing. Why do you ask?” Kevin asks.

  “I don’t think you are being honest. Why don’t we chat as much as before?” she asks.

  “I’m busy OK. There’s my Confirmation coming up and so on. And how can you possibly know what I’m thinking?” Kevin says in a way to ridicule her.

  “Because while I was sleeping, God said that I should tell you that if you clear your mind and be quiet for a while you would be able to hear him talk to you. That’s how I know. Good night,” she says, turns around and walks out the door.

  Kevin is stunned by what he just heard from his little sister. He actually freezes up. He tries to calm his thoughts and become more peaceful, but whenever he does that, he finds his mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts. Eventually, he decides just to talk about whatever he thinks of to God and hopefully he will hear what God wants to say to him.

  While he is talking about his upcoming Confirmation, he suddenly hears God say, “Your intention and expectations of your Confirmation are highly questionable.”

  “I know, God. It is the most important thing for me. I’m trying my best to understand it and you know that I’m trying my best. I spend more time on it than schoolwork,” Kevin says.

  “I agree with that. I am with you, always. However, you seem to want one thing and live another and that is contradictory. Can you not see that? That is why you don’t have peace now because you are in conflict with yourself; you are fighting a war within yourself and therefore cannot hear me. I feel like I’m losing you. Our relationship is not what it was,” God says.

  “It’s my sin, isn’t it? It’s driving us apart,” Kevin mumbles.

  “It’s about sin, yes, but you are driving us apart. You must evaluate your hopes and choices,” God says.

  “I don’t know what to choose, because I don’t know what is right and what is wrong and you don’t want to help me,” Kevin says.

  “I cannot help you to choose. That is what you should learn. If I tell you what you should choose, then I might just as well not have given you free choice. If you didn’t have free choice, you would have to do everything I say, which means I am your commander whom you have to obey, like a robot. While you are on earth, that is not what I want. What I want is a relationship with you so that we can function more or less as equals. This is not about being right or being wrong. There are simply choices that will help you to learn and grow as a human being and there are choices that will not help you to learn and grow,” God says.

  “Learn about what? Can’t you speak like a normal person? I only understand half of what you say. I’m frustrated!” Kevin exclaims! He tries to listen, but it is hopeless. He wonders, “Why is it that he cannot communicate as well with God as he did before? Is his relationship with Michael now more important than his relationship with God? Or is it his sin?” He thinks for a while and then comes to the conclusion, “It must be my sins because God said that it is my fault. Am I not changing quickly enough for God? I don’t want to be like this anymore!”

  Chapter XI

  Kevin’s Presentation is this coming Sunday, when he will be introduced to the congregation. The pastor will ask all kinds of questions in front of the congregation to show to them that they indeed learned something in Confirmation classes. On occasion he will also begin a discussion on a topic on which they will have to elaborate off the cuff what they have learned, like what one has to do to be worthy of God’s mercy and so on. Kevin has no fear about that at all. What concerns him most is that he is going into his Confirmation without being able to communicate with God properly. That just seems wrong and he doesn’t know whom to talk to about it.

  What are the chances that they will discuss sexual matters in church? Zero. In nearly two years of Confirmation classes, the only discussion they had about sex was related to sex before marriage, which was between a man and a woman. Kevin thought that the pastor explained it pretty well. He said that one should not have sex before marriage, because then you would steal something special from the person who they would marry and make an oath to. And that if you want to have sex with someone, you should (then) only do that after marriage, so that you can share that something special with the one you love.

  Kevin keeps his ears open more often and finds that everyone his age is very much aware of sex. Most of the boys already wank or know what it is. Those who say they don’t wank are often the same guys who claimed they read the Bible every day when they were in grade 2. Kevin admitted once in class, when a teacher asked him, that he didn’t read the Bible every day because it was a difficult book to read. All the other kids were appalled by it. But those who said they read the Bible every day couldn’t even read ‘Jack and the Beanstalk,’ which is an easy book. That made Kevin wonder if they really read the Bible and now he wonders if the same guys really don’t wank. They are clearly not honest and he wonders what they are hiding.

  Kevin wonders why the adults don’t want to talk about sex. At school they talk a bit about it, but that is generally the how-to of it and nothing more. He is not comfortable asking Mrs Walton, who teaches it, any questions about it. All the church people say is that you shouldn’t do it. You shouldn’t wank, shouldn’t have sex. But, is wanking sex? Or kissing? Or giving someone a blowjob? Kevin didn’t have the courage to ask that either. “Don’t do anything, yet everyone does something. It’s as if the whole world is playing pretend-pretend,” Kevin thinks.

  One thing is clear: when Kevin did his Catechism, he realised that there are many ways to interpret a piece in the Bible and that the context in which it was written is very important. He fully understands the importance of Theology that aims at explaining the context, the culture, the translation and the interpretation of a specific text in the Bible. Often the original meaning he had about a text was completely different once he understood the context in which it was written. This was explaine
d to him best with an example of the Holy Communion.

  In Corinthians Paul says that “whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord.” This is then interpreted that there should be many rules and regulations to show a person’s worthiness when participating in the Holy Communion. However, the context in which it was written is that the people in Corinth were getting drunk on the wine, the Blood of Christ and indulging in the bread, the Body of Christ. Communion is not supposed to be a party and when one knows the context it is better understood.

  Kevin didn’t have the courage to ask about the context in which the texts about homosexuality were written. As Kevin is thinking about all of this he realises that he isn’t quite the same as he was some time before. He asks fewer questions and sometimes none at all. “What happened to my curious nature?” he wonders.

  Although Kevin went through all kinds of emotions this week, by Sunday, the day of his Presentation, he is doing fine. He is doing more than fine: he is in good spirits. He has been waiting after all for this moment for nearly two years. His parents have bought him a suit and although he is only supposed to wear it at his Confirmation, he decides to wear it anyway, because he looks good in it and it makes him feel confident.

  The church service is structured very differently from the usual and each of the Confirmation candidates has to read something from the Bible and answer questions about Luther’s interpretations. Since Kevin likes public speaking, he is eager to do as much as he can and the pastor has to make sure that he doesn’t run the show, so that everyone has an equal chance. In the discussions, Kevin responds brilliantly and his huge general knowledge helps him along. He is articulate and confident and presents with alertness. Everyone is impressed, not only by the entire presentation that the pastor prepared, but also with Kevin personally. “You can be really proud of your son,” some tell his parents. “We expect great things from him,” says another. Kevin feels on top of the world. Now he has to wait only one week for his Confirmation. All is not lost. He still has his hope to change.