During the week Kevin sees Michael only twice. It’s less frequent than any other week since they first kissed on the piano chair. It isn’t on purpose, merely that their schedules are quite hectic because they have to do all the music exams as well. With four instruments, Michael seems to have an exam almost every day. On both occasions nothing sexual happens and Kevin thinks that it is a great sign for things to come and that indeed he will change after his Confirmation.
On the Sunday he wakes up early and gets dressed. He is ready even before his parents get out of bed. He is so impatient with everyone and just wants to go to church. Finally, when they arrive at the church, everything has been beautifully decorated by the parents. There are flowers everywhere. One of the parents puts a flower in his lapel. He notices that with women it is upside down, so he asks why that is. She says that ladies have their own perfume, so they don’t have to smell the flowers like men do. Kevin shakes his head when he thinks about this.
The hall is also decorated and after the service they are going to have lunch with the whole congregation. There are a lot more people than usual, because some of the family members have come from afar for the occasion. Two of Kevin’s three godfathers are present, too. Brendan’s father, Uncle Brian, is also there, so he sees Brendan again for the first time since St Lucia. Kevin still finds him attractive, but in a different way from Michael. He wants to speak to Brendan, but finds himself surrounded by people.
The church service has a festive atmosphere. The brass band plays, the choir sings and the organist puts in more effort than usual. Confirmation is basically a renewal of baptism vows, but this time instead of his parents making the vows, he does. Kevin knows the vows his parents had to make, because he has seen other children baptised. He thinks that his parents did a fantastic job of leading him towards God, as they vowed to do. Here he stands, making his own vows now.
After the second reading, the Gospel reading, all the Confirmation candidates are called forward. They, along with the pastor, all kneel down and say the Apostolic Creed. Kevin knows this so well because they say it every Sunday, but today it is even more special and he concentrates on every word. After that, the pastor says, “You have confessed the faith as a group; now I ask each one of you individually: Do you intend to remain and grow in this faith by the grace of God? If so, then answer, ‘Yes, with the help of God’.” Kevin is first so say, “Yes, with the help of God,” and then the pastor moves on to all the others. And so Kevin is confirmed.
“This is it! All is done. I am one with God. No longer will I live in sin,” Kevin thinks while he listens to all the other candidates making their vows.
The sermon is about the reality that although this is a major “yes” to God, the journey continues. The pastor explains it by comparing it to flying abroad. Firstly, the day before you fly, you have to call the airline upon which, the operator would then say (at the end), “Your flight has been confirmed.” That’s what Confirmation is all about. But you still have to get to the airport, still have to get on the plane and while flying, the auto pilot adjusts the plane about every minute to ensure that the plane remains on course to its destination. “This is a great way to explain Confirmation,” Kevin thinks.
After the service and the consequent photo shoot that doesn’t seem to end, everyone goes to the hall. The newly -confirmed members of the congregation sit together with the pastor at a table. Kevin is pleasantly surprised when he sees how many cards and gifts there are for him. Never before did he receive so many cards and books on one day! He feels like royalty. Everyone around him helps to make the day as special as it should be. After lunch, everyone goes home. Most of Kevin’s family who came to his Confirmation also leave, because they have a long way to travel. Kevin never gets a moment alone with Brendan to speak to him.
At home, after all the excitement of his Confirmation dies down, Kevin thinks about the day. It was wonderful, definitely one of the best days ever. He is still in two minds about today and the day that Michael kissed him, but these two days are definitely in his top three favourite days. He would have wanted Michael to have been there, but he knew that wasn’t possible. Not only because Michael’s presence would clash with his attempt at change, but also because Michael’s family don’t really go to church. He wonders what it will be like to see him again.
On Monday, Michael has a recorder exam, so Kevin can’t see him. He notices however that he doesn’t feel particularly different towards girls at school that day. In fact, he has to remind himself that he is actually supposed to like girls now, and that only happens after second break. “This isn’t right,” he thinks.” I’m supposed to be different now.”
The next day he can’t wait to see Michael. After school he changes into something more comfortable and then goes to Michael straight away. When he sees him, he is excited. He hasn’t seen him since Thursday the week before. They hug and then one thing leads to another and soon all their clothes fly off. “We haven’t done any of this for more than ten days!” Michael says. Kevin feels as if he has no control over his feelings and his body because he is also rather horny. When they are done, he is more uncomfortable than ever before and can’t get dressed quick enough.
“Hey, what now? What are you doing?” Michael asks.
“Nothing,” Kevin says. “I have to go now.”
“But, we’ve…”Michael tries to interrupt.
“Bye,” Kevin says and storms out.
Chapter XII
After the exams, it’s finally school holidays again. Kevin is done with primary school and will go to high school next year. His parents want him to go to Hermannsburg, which is a German private school, but Kevin has convinced them that he rather wants to stay in Vryheid like his brother did. “Our children save us money,” his father says to his mother. Marcus is finished with school completely and would go to Pretoria University to study engineering next year.
This year, Kevin and his family stay at home for Christmas. Kevin wishes that they could go away, so that he could get away from Michael. He doesn’t know how to deal with him anymore. He wants it all to end because he feels his relationship with Michael is interfering with his relationship with God. He can’t remember the last time he had any meaningful conversation with God. And, whenever he sees Michael, he still feels in love with him, but it doesn’t grow as much as it used to. Once upon a time he was excited that he and Michael would be in the same school, since Michael is a year older, but he doesn’t feel like that anymore. The guilt of their relationship is killing him. He feels so weak for not being able to resist the temptation that comes with Michael’s presence. He now frequently lies to Michael to avoid contact, but often runs out of ideas or simply misses him. After another wildly sexual experience, with the guilt that followed, he decides that life as he is living it, cannot go on. Something has to be done.
The following day, Kevin arrives at Michael’s since they have plans to go swimming. Michael asks, “Where’s your bag with your costume and towel. I thought we were going to swim today.”
“I don’t feel like swimming today. We have to talk,” Kevin says.
“OK, what is it?” Michael asks.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” Kevin says.
“Oh, come on. What nonsense is this? Let’s go and get your costume and go swimming,” Michael says.
“Pleas,e Michael. Don’t make this harder than it already is!” Kevin shouts. He exhales deeply, pulls his hands through his hair and then rests them for a moment over his face.
Michael speaks very fast, “Kevin, I don’t like this. This is not you. I know you and this is not you. Go home and we can speak again tomorrow.”
“No, could you just listen for a moment.” Kevin is trembling. His stomach is turning and he is nauseous. “I’ve tried to make this work, but I can’t. As long as I’m with you, as long as we continue with whatever it is we have, I will live in sin. It is driving me insane,” Kevin says.
“It’s called
love, Kevin, whatever we have is called love,” Michael says and a tear runs down his cheek. Kevin has a huge lump in his throat and also feels like crying, but forces himself to be strong. “Have courage, Kevin!” he tells himself.
“Are you listening to all these fools? They don’t even know what love is,” Michael says as he begins to sob. And then Kevin says, “I have to go now.”
“No, don’t go, Kevin, you don’t want to do this,” Michael says through his tears. He steps closer, but Kevin pushes him away.
“What are you doing, Kevin? You are hurting me! ” Michael finds a grip on Kevin and holds on.
“Let me go! I have to…” Kevin says.
Michael interrupts and says, “I don’t want to let you go. If I let you go it would be the greatest mistake ever. I love you!”
“But if I stay, it might be the greatest mistake ever!” Kevin groans while trying to break free.
“A mistake? How can you say that? Was all you felt a mistake? This is real, Kevin!” Michael cries louder and completely uncontrollably. Kevin tries to loosen Michael’s grip. Michael yells, “Kevin!” and keeps on crying.
Eventually, Kevin gets rather aggressive and forces Michael off him. When Michael tries to come closer again, Kevin pushes him away, hard enough that he falls on the floor. He takes a glance at Michael, lying on the floor crying like a baby. Without saying another word, he turns around and walks out. He barely makes it out of the house, when he too starts to cry.
“This was hard, so difficult,” he thinks. Kevin starts running because he doesn’t want Michael to come after him and see he’s crying, too. If he sees Michael now, he might not have any strength left. He keeps running faster and faster.
After a while, he is exhausted and far from Michael’s home, so he stops. He has the most terrible feeling in his chest; he feels he can’t breathe. His shoulders are slouching with his arms hanging by his side and his head bowed down. He too is crying while walking on the road. He agrees with everything Michael said. He loves Michael dearly, but he also loves God and had to choose. “It had to be done,” he thinks. Kevin feels as if something inside him has died. It’s an awful feeling. He isn’t sure what it is, but he feels dead and heavy. He hopes that this dead feeling inside him means that the sinful urges also die. He has done the hardest thing he ever had to do. “This must work. This is it,” he says out loud as he raises his head.
At home, Kevin turns off his cell phone. Michael is trying to call and has sent two text messages already. He falls on his bed with his face into the pillow. He breathes into his pillow, until he almost can’t breathe anymore. “If I die now, I’ll be with God and all this pain would be gone,” he thinks.
Just then, his sister knocks and opens the door. “Get out!” Kevin yells. “But I…” she says. “I don’t care. Get out! I don’t want to talk to you. Leave me alone,” he shouts at her. Klara is the last person he wants to see. She would try and give him advice. A part of him already wants to go back and apologize to Michael. “I have to persevere,” he thinks, “I have to be strong now and soon I will feel better.”
Two days later and Kevin still hasn’t left the house. He doesn’t want to see anyone and still doesn’t feel any better about Michael. He can see the pain on Michael’s face when he closes his eyes. When he turns on his phone again, he has 14 messages from Michael that vary from angry words to desperate pleas. “How dreadful is next year going to be,” he thinks as he deletes Michael’s number. He was so excited about high school before, but now he doesn’t want to go.
He decides to stay at home during the holidays. The West Indies have a cricket tour in South Africa and they still have four five-day matches to play. Kevin plans to watch cricket, ball-to-ball coverage as they would say. He likes sport, so why not? Every day he gets comfortable on the couch with loads of refreshments next to him, to see him through. He is eating constantly.
On the fourth day of the first match he watches, Klara tries to talk to him. As soon as she mentions anything about God, he flips out and tells her he doesn’t care. He tells her that he really wonders if God actually could speak to people directly and if it wasn’t just another thing that children imagined. There is Santa Claus and the Easter bunny, both stories of nonsense, just for kids. Maybe God is just an invention for kids, too. He certainly doesn’t hear God anymore and no matter what he does, how tough things are, God doesn’t want to help him to change. Klara is hurt after that outburst. She doesn’t know her brother to be like this. The same evening she talks to her mother about it, because she is concerned about her brother.
His parents have both noticed a difference in Kevin. They knew from Marcus that teenagers have their mood swings and try not to bother him too much, merely reminding him to talk to them, because it is obvious that something is wrong.
Michael sends him a message and says that he would not go to the same high school anymore. He convinced his parents to send him to Hermannsburg. “It will be easier for both of us,” he writes. Michael continued that it would be really difficult if he has to see him every day and experience the worst day of his life over and over again. In another message a bit later, Michael says that he is convinced all this talk about God is pure nonsense. “We are told to believe that God is one of love, yet when you saw love, right in front of you, you walked away from it, because God demanded it. I cannot believe in such a God,” is the message. “Not believe in God?” Kevin thinks. “Then maybe it was right after all to break up with Michael, because he can’t be in love with a person who doesn’t believe in God. Kevin never replied to any of Michael’s messages, not even one, even though he wanted to.
By the next five-day cricket match that is taking place in Cape Town, Kevin realizes that he has to snap out of it. His parents are all over him. He is fighting with everyone in his family and this can’t go on. He decides rather to pretend that everything is OK and go on with his life as normal as possible. He likes sport and knows that in January the first thing that always happens is athletics. He can start preparing for that now, even though it is still before Christmas. If he puts in all his attention to be as successful as possible, then everyone would be happy and leave him alone as long as he is keeping up appearances.
He immediately gets up from the couch and dresses to go for a run. Even though it is blazing hot, he runs for more than an hour and feels so much better afterwards. He decides to do that every day, but earlier in the morning, when it isn’t that hot. He is definitely on the right path now; feeling better about everything. “Life isn’t that bad,” he thinks. He also decides to quit playing piano. It would just remind him of Michael and he wants to get away from anything that reminded him of Michael and whatever sinful stuff they had. His parents are taken aback by that. “But you love music,” his father says. “Why quit now when you were doing so well, winning prizes and all?” Kevin is adamant that he wants to concentrate more on sport and doesn’t want to play the piano anymore. His parents reluctantly accept his decision. Marcus also quit music when he went to high school.
Chapter XIII
It is the beginning of the New Year and a new school. Kevin is fit already and excited about the new athletics season. He feels better prepared for it than ever before. He also manages to get rather excited about the new school. He is after all rid of the primary school and all the drama that happened there. Over New Year, Kevin had a couple of beers and likes it a lot! The idea of growing up appeals to him and he knows that he will make a lot of new friends in high school.
The first day of school is exciting. Everything is new and he likes the change. “Everyone seems so much bigger,” he thinks. There are so many hot boys around, especially the older ones, but he also forces himself to look at girls. He notices that his feelings towards boys are not as strong as before, but for the girls he still feels nothing. He hopes that if he would just meet the right girl, it will change. The matrics are under the impression that they are running the school and boss everyone around. Kevin goes along with it withou
t making a fuss. Others are a bit annoyed by it.
On the first weekend, athletics is fantastic! He sets up a new record for hurdles at the school event. He will continue to participate against other schools as usual. He is more hopeful to do well this year than before. All the hard work is paying off.
Schoolwork is schoolwork. It has to be done and he goes through the motions as he did before. All the teachers are great and there aren’t any idiots like Mr Van Kerken. Their approach is different and Kevin feels that they are treated more like adults than kids and he likes that. He sometimes wonders how Michael is doing, but quickly puts that out of his mind.
One Friday morning, Kevin wakes up and he hears his father crying. He has never seen his father cry before and is highly upset about it. “What’s happening? Why is father crying?” he asks.
“Opa Gunter passed away last night,” his mother says.
“Oh no!” Kevin says and also feels the tears coming. Although he is really sad, he can’t seem to cry. He holds his father and doesn’t know what to say. His father has lost both his parents now. “Thank you,” his father says, “you must get ready for school.”
At school Kevin cannot concentrate. He loves Opa Gunter and now he is gone. He still remembers what he told him about keeping an open mind and Kevin wonders how well he is doing that. “How would I know if I have an open mind?” he wonders. After school, he hears that the funeral will be on Wednesday. He can remember the funeral of his grandmother. She was ill for many years, so he didn’t know her that well and when she passed away most people felt that it was kind of a relief. It is completely different with his grandfather.
A few days later at the funeral, Kevin is walking around with a lump in his throat. He hates seeing his father and uncle so emotional, because they are actually two very strong men. “It must be the hardest thing to lose a parent,“ he thinks. He doesn’t want to lose his parents. Kevin is surprised to see Brendan and his family there. Technically, Opa Gunter is not family of Aunt Sally, but they came anyway because they knew him.
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