Brendan is in matric now. Neither of them wants to talk about anything sexual. Kevin is finally on the same page with Brendan regarding the issue. Kevin notices that Brendan is a bit aloof and acts odd. He moves around slower than usual as if he is in slow motion. If Kevin asks him something, Brendan stares at him as if he looks into the distance and keeps quiet. When Kevin asks him again, Brendan doesn’t recall what he just asked him. Brendan would also begin a sentence and then speak softer and softer until he says nothing, but doesn’t complete the sentence. Kevin doesn’t think too much of it. He is glad to see Brendan again.
The funeral is beautiful and quite festive. Although it is a sad time for everyone, the pastor has a great sermon for such a time. At the graveyard, everyone is quiet and the mood sombre. Kevin gets emotional to see the coffin go down into that hole, but doesn’t cry. He doesn’t really listen to anything the pastor says. He replays the memories of him and Opa Gunter. Seeing the coffin go into the grave is so final. His thoughts are interrupted when the brass band starts playing and six men grab a shovel and start filling up the grave. The thought of his grandfather lying down there is so unnerving as he realizes the literal meaning of six feet under. He never got what was meant by that before.
That Saturday, Kevin goes to Dundee with the school team for athletics. He manages to maintain focus and when he runs, he thinks of nothing else. He wins the hurdle event again, but doesn’t break the record as he wanted to do. He was 0.2 seconds too slow, which maybe doesn’t sound that much, but is a massive gap. He is determined to break the record the following week at their next inter-school event.
That afternoon he goes home with Andrew, his neighbour. When he walks into the house, he feels immediately that something is wrong. “Kevin, come here quickly, we want to talk to you,” his father says. Kevin knows something is wrong because they didn’t even ask how it went with his hurdles today. He sits down in the living room with both his parents, one on either side of him. “Kevin, there is no easy way of saying this: Brendan died last night,” his father says. “What? But he was still fine on Wednesday,” Kevin says. Immediately, there is a surge of feeling that pushes up in his body. He feels tears in his eyes, but doesn’t cry. His is short of breath and has a lump in his throat. His mother hugs him and says, “We know you two got along quite well.” Kevin holds his mother and thinks, “In a way, Brendan was probably one of my best friends and now he is gone, too.” Kevin begins to cry when he thinks about it. His chest has that heavy feeling again and he feels it pushing upwards as if it is being pushed out of his eyes and nose. Kevin wants to speak, but cannot stop crying. The floodgates are open. He calms himself down and then asks, “What happened? Was it a car accident?”
“No, he committed suicide,” his mother says. “No, no, no, this can’t be true. Brendan is gone!” he cries. He holds his mother tight and his whole body is shaking as he is crying. After a while, he collects himself again and asks how it happened. “He hanged himself,” his father says. “Sorry, Kevin.”
“But why? This was so unnecessary. Oh Brendan!” he cries and starts sobbing all over again. “Kevin, I know this must be terribly difficult for you. I lost my father just a week ago, so please feel free to speak to me. We can help each other and work through this together,” his father says. His mother adds, “Strong people show emotion, because they are not scared of what others might think, so if you feel sad and want to cry, you should.”
After what seems like an eternity, Kevin stops crying and collects himself and they talk about Brendan. “He was so gifted and was doing well at school - everything really. He had a great future ahead of him. It’s all so, so sad,” his mother says. His father remembers that Brendan was rather quiet and not as outgoing as any of his children. They all wonder what prompted him to take such drastic action.
“He left a short note saying that he was sorry. He loves everyone but doesn’t feel like living anymore. Why would he do something like that?” his mother asks.
Kevin freezes up and stares straight ahead of him. He thinks, “I know why, but I won’t say a word. I might be the only person in the world who knows his secret! I won’t say a word. If Brendan wanted people to know, he would have said something.”
The following Friday Kevin and his parents drive to Vanderbijlpark for Brendan’s funeral. Marcus and Klara didn’t want to go to another funeral, but Kevin feels he has to go. It is the first time that he travels alone with his parents and although he likes it, he wishes the conditions were different. He thinks all the way about Brendan and what they have shared. A part of him understands Brendan’s pain. On some level he knows that if he doesn’t do anything, he will end up the same way. He wonders if Brendan ever found anyone to love before he died. If he didn’t, that’s probably the saddest of all. “At least I experienced love with Michael, but sadly that too had to come to an end. Michael is now the only one who knows about me,” Kevin thinks. Kevin didn’t speak to Michael again after their break-up.
At the funeral, the mood is all gloomy. Aunt Sally is crying non-stop and it’s difficult for anyone to talk to her. It’s tough for Kevin to see her like that. She seems completely broken and appears as if she is not aware of anything around her. Uncle Brian isn’t crying but one can see in his eyes that he had been crying before. “No one should bury their child. I’m deeply sorry,” Kevin’s father says and hugs him. Kevin never saw his father hug another man before, but it’s appropriate. Kevin also tells them that he is sorry about it. He doesn’t know what else to say. He looks at Emily. She only stares at all the people. “How hard it must be for her! She is all alone now,” Kevin thinks.
After the church service, Kevin is adamant that he would step forward first when they begin to close the grave. He found that with his grandfather it gave him a feeling of closure, like all is done. However, they didn’t close the grave. Kevin enquired about that and someone said that gravediggers would come later and close the grave. Kevin doesn’t like that. He has a need to close the grave, like a final farewell. He asks his father why they didn’t close the grave like with Opa Gunter? His father says that closing the grave by family members isn’t a tradition with everyone.
On their way back, Kevin vows to himself never to go the route that Brendan did. It was most dreadful to see his family and he will never feel the same about Aunt Sally again. He can’t do that to his own family. He would rather suck it up and suffer, than hurting his family. He thinks that if Brendan knew the consequences, he might have done something else. “How bad must things get before taking such action? He must have felt so alone,” is all that Kevin can think of. He sometimes thought it would be better for everyone if he was dead, but now he knows different. Suicide is off the table. He hopes for some changes in his life so that he won’t go the same route as Brendan.
Chapter XVI
At the end of the first term, Kevin’s report isn’t as impressive as usual. He has a 25% drop in Maths and 20% in science. All the other subjects are more or less the same. It concerns his parents a bit. They know it was a bit of a tough term for him and aren’t hard on him at all. In addition to that, his hopes for athletics didn’t pan out as he had planned either.
Kevin’s father has difficulty accepting what has happened to Brendan. He had a sister who committed suicide and decided to do some research about it. He discovers that depression, often the cause of suicide, is an illness that is hereditary, or runs in families. His children therefore have a double chance of that, because depression appears in both his own and his wife’s family. Near the end of the holidays, he tells Kevin’s mother to take him to the doctor just to make sure.
At the doctor, Kevin’s mother explains why they are there. Kevin is in no mood for going to the doctor. He hates doctors and hardly ever gets ill. He doesn’t like the smell of the doctor’s office. He goes along just to humour his parents. He doesn’t want to cause more drama.
“How do you sleep?” the doctor asks him.
“Not that well actually. I have
trouble falling asleep, wake up often during the night and when I wake up, I’m still tired. Sometimes I wake up with a headache and generally have more headaches recently,” Kevin replies.
His mother adds, “He used to wake up very early when he was younger.”
“Are you anxious or fearful without reason?” the doctor asks.
“No, I’m not scared of anything,” Kevin snaps back quickly.
“OK, but do you feel more nervous in situations where before you would feel confident?” the doctor asks again.
Kevin didn’t notice being nervous before and has to think about the question first and then replies, “A bit.”
“He’s also not as happy as he used to be and we don’t hear him laughing as much as before,” his mother adds.
“I see. Well, the reduction of cognitive abilities, diminished sleeping quality, elevated levels of anxiety, nervousness and tension and overall lopsided emotional expression leads me to the conclusion that he is suffering from major depression,“ the doctor says.
Kevin wonders what the hell the doctor is talking about when his mother says, “So he has depression? What can we do about that?”
“I’ll prescribe a light anti-depressant and recommend that you go and see a psychologist. I have a card of a brilliant lady here somewhere,” the doctor says.
“Great,” Kevin thinks. “Depression and taking pills; the same as Brendan. I’m also a freak.” He thinks that he’ll tell Brendan about it and then remembers that he can’t.
Kevin isn’t happy at all about going to a psychologist. He doesn’t know what a psychologist is and thinks that it is someone that freaks go to. That evening his parents take some time to explain to him that there is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist. His father says that just as the body gets ill sometimes, like flu, the mind can get ill with depression. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Kevin agrees to go and see what it is all about, but he won’t tell anyone.
The psychologist is near his school, so after school he goes to her office. When she opens the door, he thinks that she seems quite nice actually. He expected someone who looks a bit freakish. Also, she is on time and he doesn’t have to wait endlessly like when they are at the doctor.
In session, she asks all kinds of strange questions. He keeps wondering what the correct answer to the question is and finds it really difficult. She asks questions about his birth and what kind of baby he was, what baby illnesses he had and so on. “How the hell am I supposed to know that?” he wonders. At the end she says that not all problems can be fixed in one day and that he should give her a chance to help him. It will take several weeks and says that he will have an appointment at the same time every week for eight weeks. She tells him to go home and think about what makes him feel nervous and what he generally feels he needs to talk about.
Kevin knows that he has to do to something, or else he would go the same way as Brendan. After leaving the psychologist, he walks home thinking that it isn’t as bad as he thought and he feels somewhat better talking to her. Once again he has hope. He also finds it interesting that his appointment with the psychologist is at the same time as his catechism classes were the year before. That ended in disappointment, but he is sure that this time he is in good hands.
He also feels more and more pressure from his school mates and various girls to have a girlfriend. He is from the same gene pool as his Casanova brother, so he is hugely attractive and liked by many. He is talented in many ways, does well in a number of extramural activities and impresses everyone with his massive general knowledge of just about anything. He often withdraws himself from everyone which gives the impression that he is a bit shy, although he isn’t. Many girls like the fact that he is attractive, yet without the arrogance that some of the other hot guys have. He knows that he has to get a girlfriend, or else people might suspect something. But who? He still finds himself staring at other boys, wondering how big their packages are, although thankfully, it is much less than before. He now makes a deliberate attempt to look around. There are some girls with whom he is great friends, but he doesn’t want anything more from them. It just doesn’t feel right somehow.
Chapter XV
A little more than a year later, Kevin is sitting at the office of the psychologist again. He thinks that they have made great progress. His pain associated with Brendan’s death is gone. He understands now that when one has depression and it spirals out of control, parts of the brain begin to shut down. One of the brain’s functions is to conserve energy. So, if one has depression, this leads one to become irrational and illogical. Therefore, subjects requiring logic like math and science will see a decline in performance. The brain then interprets this poor performance as a signal that it cannot perform logical functions and shuts science and math abilities down, because it needs to conserve energy. Eventually the brain has shut down so many functions that it erroneously comes to a conclusion that there is no point to function anymore. As a short cut taken by the brain, the idea of termination or death is the last and only remaining option. The brain doesn’t realize that in termination, it terminates itself too. Hence, depression is irrational thinking.
In short, Brendan didn’t make the choice of killing himself. His brain did so by coming to a mistaken conclusion, because it wasn’t functioning correctly anymore due to his illness. Once a person reaches a point where termination appears to be the last remaining solution, there is very little even a trained psychiatrist or psychologist can do.
His other concern was that he felt he should have done something. Brendan was his friend and there were things that were shared only between the two of them. Brendan didn’t give a warning, didn’t say a word about his plans or send a message. Kevin had no idea the problem was so serious. The psychologist told him that when people are seriously set on committing suicide, they usually don’t give anyone a warning, because then someone would try and stop them. He now knows that he was not responsible in any way. This brings peace and great comfort to Kevin.
He now understands everything about self-esteem and that he had put too much pressure on himself to perform well and figure out how the world works. He doesn’t have any pressure from his parents to perform, so it can only come from himself.
He is annoyed that once again he didn’t do as well as he wanted in athletics, although he won all his races except the last one. “The last one was the only one that mattered!” he said and he was frustrated that no one seemed to get it. If he had won that one, he would have gone to the South African championship, but he came second. Second place is as good as last on provincial level.
He cooperates well and is willing to talk about everything that the psychologist asks him. Until now, he didn’t bother to bring up the sexuality issue, because that is such a small problem in reality that he doesn’t think it’s worth mentioning. The stuff that the psychologist suggested they talk about is far more important.
Today the psychologist has an important session. She feels that she and Kevin know each other pretty well and that there is a lot of trust and rapport between them, so she asks, “How do you feel about sexual matters?”
Kevin crosses his arms, looks away and says, “What do you mean how do I feel about sexual matters?” The psychologist notes the two defensive behaviours in his body language and repeating the question which indicates the same.
“Have you ever kissed a girl?” she asks. “No,” he replies, ”but I do have a girlfriend.”
“OK,” she says and continues to ask more questions around the same line. Eventually she says, “OK, time’s up. I’ll see you next week.”
Kevin usually feels that he has more to discuss with her, but is pretty happy to hear that his time is up.
That weekend he is watching a movie at his new girlfriend’s house as they often do. Her parents like him a lot, because he is always polite and has good manners. He does well at school and other activities. They think that he is overall a well-rounded decent boy who comes from a good family.
<
br /> Her name is Karen and she does athletics with him, though she is a sprinter, not a hurdler. She is a knock-out girl and in perfect shape, long legs and a beautiful smile. All the boys like her. He knew that if she was his girlfriend, all the other girls would back off, because they knew they couldn’t compete. That’s why he went for her. He likes her because she is great company and he feels comfortable around her. She doesn’t giggle all the time like some of the other girls, which is a great plus. She is a bit more mature than the other girls. They’ve been together for almost two months.
It’s later in the year and already getting cooler and he notices that she is sitting ever closer to him. Actually, she is already against him, but doesn’t think about it too much. He is concentrating on the movie, the Da Vinci Code. He read about Da Vinci and his art and inventions before. Da Vinci was a brilliant explorer, but a complicated man, like the movie they are watching.
All of a sudden she sits up straight, turns around and kisses him. Kevin is shocked! He wasn’t expecting this! He didn’t think girls can get horny at all. They always blame boys for everything that happens. “How can girls get horny?” he wonders. “They don’t even have a willy!” She is kissing him very gently and the only other one he ever kissed was Michael, who was a hard kisser, full of passion. “She kisses somewhat silly,” he thinks. And it does nothing for him. With Michael it felt as if he would explode, but with Karen it is like kissing his sister, or his mother or Aunt Sally! Except, with tongue! He hates it. He thinks of all of that while she is kissing him and he tries to kiss her back, but can’t get into it – as excited - like with Michael. With Michael it felt as if a force inside him took over and went crazy, but with her this force is dead. His willy isn’t even hard and his whole body feels nothing, except awkwardness. It’s a dreadful feeling! He doesn’t know how to pretend that he likes this. His mind is racing.
God's Little Freak Page 8
