Then, while moving about, she takes his hand and puts it on her boob. When Kevin squeezes it a bit, he is freaked out! “A chest should be hard and strong, but this is soft and squishy like flubber,” he thinks. How can anyone like this? It’s dreadful! He doesn’t know what to do next. He wants to run away, but she is getting on top of him and he can’t move. “O dear God, please help me!” he thinks! Shortly after that, his phone rings. He pushes Karen aside and jumps up to answer the phone. It is his mother who wants to find out if she should come and get him, or whether Karen’s mother is going to bring him home. “Eh, you can come and get me right now,” he tells her. “See ya,” and he hangs up.
“I’m sorry but my mother says she is going to come and get me now, because I have to go home immediately,” he tells Karen. “Oh damn, and we were only getting started,” she says.
“Yeah, it’s a real pity,” he adds.
Karen continues, “I had to do something. Usually, I have to fight guys off, but you just took too damn long and I wasn’t going to wait anymore. It’s my first time to make a move on a guy.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m glad you did; didn’t really know what to do,” he says.
“Have you never kissed a girl before?” she asks.
“Eh, not really,” he replies.
“Oh, that’s so sweet! I thought you’ve done that many times before. You’re very good for your first time,” she says.
“Eh, yeah, thanks. You too,” Kevin says. He was trying his best to hide his discomfort, constantly moving his arms about.
It has never occurred to him before that she’s a really hot chick and that she probably has a lot of experience with other boys. And boys would obviously try their luck with her. “How stupid could I be?” he thinks.
Soon his mother arrives. He says good-bye to Karen and her parents. “Are you all-right? You look a bit pale,” her mother says.
Kevin is stuttering: “Eh, yeah, I’m fine,” he says. He looks at Karen who is smiling, so he smiles too and rushes to get into the car. He is so relieved to get the hell out of there!
“How was the movie?” his mother asks. He has completely forgotten about the movie. “Oh, it was stupid,” he replies.
As he replays what just happened, he thinks, “Oh, my god! I had my first kiss, with a girl that is…” He wonders if he should tell his mother or not. He is definitely not as excited as his brother was. How could Marcus enjoy something like that? He thinks about her boobs again and shivers.
That evening he can’t sleep due to his traumatic ordeal. What is he going to do? If he stays with Karen, the same thing will happen again and he doesn’t want that. He can’t dump her after their first kiss, because that would be suspicious. Most of all he is thinking of Michael and how natural it felt. It was so easy and so much more enjoyable. He has a hard chest! At times he couldn’t keep his hands off of him, yet with Karen he isn’t that keen to touch her again. He wonders how Michael is doing. It has been nearly two years. “Is he happy?” he wonders.
For a brief moment, Kevin wonders why he dumped Michael and then remembers. He is in a lot of trouble. How could he become straight if he can’t stand boobs? How much has really changed for him after all his efforts? And is it worth it? Did it help his relationship with God? Certainly not. He is still praying every night asking God to change him and it feels as if God doesn’t hear him, as if he is praying to the ceiling. He doesn’t hear God’s voice anymore, that’s for sure. He only has memories of that and even that is fading. Maybe he should talk to the psychologist about the sexuality thing. She helped him with Brendan and other issues; maybe she can help with this.
That Monday at second break, Kevin notices that some of the girls are talking about him about the weekend with Karen. Are girls talking about this? Like boys do? He knows boys often talked about sexual stuff with girls, but thought that girls are different. They act as if they are so anti-sex. Then he remembers that women generally love to gossip, especially in Vryheid, so naturally they will gossip about everything. It occurs to him that now he has a reason to dump Karen. She presented it on a plate! Brilliant!
After rugby practice that afternoon, he goes to Karen to dump her. He tells her that he doesn’t like the fact that she would tell the whole world about their kiss over the weekend and that he thinks that they are over.
At first she defends herself, saying that she wants to share something special like that with her friends and doesn’t see a reason for her not to tell anyone. Everyone does it.
“Well, I’m not everyone. I’m sorry but this is how I feel,” he says.
When she starts to cry, he feels down himself, because it wasn’t his intention, but he must have hurt her. He is a bit surprised and taken aback that she feels something for him, because he doesn’t feel the same way. Could it be so different? He likes her a lot, yes, but there is something missing and he can’t put his finger on it. He did enjoy being with Karen. In fact, there is not one thing negative he can say about her. Luckily she doesn’t cry for too long, because it made him feel uncomfortable. He leaves soon afterwards.
That evening he tries to understand his situation. He has feelings for her otherwise he wouldn’t be interested in her. Whatever they had, did mean something and he wonders how it would be at school seeing her, when things are different. Maybe, he is changing to a straight guy after all, because his relationship with Karen does mean something to him.
On Wednesday he goes to see his psychologist again. The atmosphere is a bit different than usual. Kevin can feel it. They start to chat about this and that, and then she asks Kevin, “Can you remember any sexual event when you were younger?”
Kevin moves around in his chair, grips his hands together and says, “No, none.”
She continues, “It appears to me from what I have assessed that you may have been molested when you were a young child and with the onset of puberty and consequent sexual awakening, you are reacting to that event which is in your subconscious. This may well be the original cause of your depression.”
“But I don’t remember anything about it. I don’t think this is true at all,” Kevin says.
“You won’t remember, because it is in your subconscious. People often suppress bad experiences in their childhood and are not aware of it on a conscious level,” she replies.
“This doesn’t make any sense. I can remember almost everything from kindergarten. I remember all my friends’ names. My memory is brilliant, that’s why I do so well in history and geography. I hear or read a fact once, and I just remember it. Dates, names, anything…” Kevin explains.
“I know this is hard for you to accept, but this is what I’ve been trained for and this is my assessment. We’ll have to start working on that,” she continues.
Kevin is getting highly upset about this. He raises his voice, “This is bullshit! There is nothing wrong with me or my family and I definitely wasn’t molested. How do you come up with this shit?”
The psychologist remains perfectly calm, “I’ve observed you over more than a year now and this is evident from my point of view. The fact that you become resistant and angry is further evidence.”
“I’m getting angry because you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. I’m angry because it isn’t true!” Kevin yells. He feels like getting up and leaving, but that would be rude.
They go back and forth for the rest of the session and when time is up, Kevin storms out of there. There is no way that he could have possibly been molested by anyone. His parents always knew where they were and would never allow anything like that to happen to them.
Kevin can’t think about anything else for the rest of the afternoon. He consistently screws up at rugby practice. At home, he is pacing up and down in the passage. “It was one thing to attack him, but to attack his family? What an insult! Who the hell does she think she is?” he says out loudly.
His father comes home first, because his mother is working the late shift until seven o’ clock at the hos
pital. “How are you? How was your day?” his father asks.
“OK I guess, but I want to talk to you about what the psychologist said today. It really doesn’t make any sense,” Kevin says.
“Sure, let’s go to the kitchen so that I can start cooking in the meantime,” his father says.
His father is trying to get a piece of meat out of the deep freeze. He is already agitated because he has to unpack half the freezer to get the lamb chops. “So tell me, what did she say to you today?” he asks.
Kevin replies, “She said that I was molested when I was younger. Do you remember…”
Kevin’s father interrupts him, “Molested? You? By whom? Where the hell does she get that idea from?”
“I asked her that too, but she said that it was her assessment and she was trained for it and all of that. But I can’t remember anything,” Kevin says.
Kevin’s father has a really bad German temper and when he gets angry it isn’t pretty. He is yelling like mad, “What’s that bloody woman’s number? She works from home, right?”
His father gets on the phone and calls her. When he starts talking to her, he remains calm, but Kevin feels that his dad is about to explode. All of a sudden, he yells, “Based on what?!” Kevin’s father continues yelling and shouting and cursing the psychologist for nearly five minutes. Eventually he tells her that she doesn’t know what she is doing and that Kevin will never go back to her. He hangs up and says, “You’re not going back to that bitch. I’ll make another plan.”
When Kevin’s mother gets home, Kevin’s father has already cooled down. He tells her about the molestation thing. She is furious and says, “What’s that bloody woman’s number?” Kevin’s dad calms her down and says that he already called her and told her to go fuck herself, so there is no need for her to lose it too. They’ll have to find another psychologist. His mother says that someone at hospital told her about a psychologist in Newcastle who doesn’t take a year to get something done and that she’ll give him a call tomorrow.
Chapter XVI
It is nearly the end of the year and Kevin is studying for his science exam. Whenever he studies science, he thinks of what his grandfather said: “You have to keep an open mind.” He knows what it means; that whatever appears to be true, is in reality not true, or something like that. But, how do you know that you have an open mind? Some people, who claim to be very open-minded, still believe that the earth was created in seven days and that the earth is not older than 12 000 years. They won’t even consider the possibility of evolution. In fact, they don’t want to look at any evidence of evolution either.
Kevin feels that having an open mind is at least to consider the possibility of something, try to find evidence or proof of that possibility and then at the end come to a conclusion. He wants to ponder more about this, but needs to finish preparing for his exam. This is something that he would have enjoyed talking to God about, but God doesn’t want to talk to him anymore. He misses that a lot, because nobody else, except maybe his father would talk to him about these kinds of things. At school most kids don’t wonder about any of these things, let alone understand.
He has a new girlfriend, Paula. It took a month or two to get over Karen. After her, he decided that he should find a girl who wouldn’t be interested in any kissing or smooching or anything remotely similar. He thought it would be safe to find a serious Christian girl who does not believe in any form of sex before marriage and feels extremely strong about it. At the same time, she should be cool with life and not annoying. By annoying he means giggling, talking about 7de Laan or any other shallow stuff.
So, he joined the CSV or Christian Students Society. After a while, he liked Wendy and made an attempt to become better acquainted with her. But the first time they were together for a moment, she made a move on him. That time he knew how to stop it and became extremely rude playing the Christian card. He never wanted her near him again and quit the CSV at the same time.
Then he met Paula who is in the junior play with him. He is playing the husband and she is playing the wife of a very dysfunctional, yet funny family. Kevin feels that she was the only one who really knew how to act and finds conversations with her stimulating. She is the same age as him and they are together in some of the classes but Kevin didn’t pay any attention to her before. When she told him that they were in the same primary school, he was blown away! But at least now he gets to know her a bit better with the play and that’s a pleasant surprise. They’ve been together since about the beginning of the third term, so she is the longest relationship he has ever had. At one time, his mother thought he was going to be like his brother when it came to girls.
When the school holidays come, Kevin is bored and he is not the kind who can sit around and do nothing. They are not going away and his father’s brother and his family are only coming later during the holidays and he needs to do something until then. A real concern to him is his relationship with God, the fact that there is none. He goes to church, reads the Bible, attends Church Youth and has read all eight books that he received for his Confirmation and prays daily. Even though he doesn’t get any reply or answer to his prayers, he vows to continue. In his Confirmation sermon the pastor said that the flight continues and is adjusted every now and then.
Kevin wants to find out whether or not he is still on course. He cannot decide anymore. He is active on every level possible at his Church Youth. His relationship with God seems fine from everyone else’s point of view, but from his own point of view, it’s not fine at all. He knows it can be better and must be, because he remembers it being better than now.
His plan is to read through the entire Bible. Yeah, even Kevin thinks it is ridiculous to spend a school holiday reading the Bible, but he never read the Bible before. He read pieces of it, but never the whole book. “There should be something in it that will guide me,” he thinks.
So, one evening he has time and opens the Bible and starts reading about the creation. Near the end of chapter 1, Kevin stops. He freezes completely. What he read struck a nerve. He reads it again and again. “Could this be?” he wonders. “Yes, it could,” he hears. It’s God’s voice again for the first time in more than a year. He knows what he reads must be true, but he cannot believe it. He reads aloud, ”God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” Could it be that he is not a freak, but very good?
God made him. And what God made, is very good. Could it be that God made him this way? And that he is still very good this way? Kevin sits and ponders about it, this way and that way, this way and that way, but comes to the same conclusion. God must have made him like this. He starts to cry. Within a moment he begins to cry uncontrollably, crying into his pillow so that no one hears him. What has he done? In spite of all his efforts, he was revolting against God. For the last few years he has been praying to God asking him to change him, because he wasn’t made correctly. He was basically telling God to fix his mistake that He created. What arrogance! He can’t do that! Of course God is upset with him. Of course God doesn’t want to speak to him. He was insulting God regarding his creation. He was sinful in the worst way possible. It all makes sense now.
Kevin kneels next to his bed and prays, “Please forgive me for my arrogance. Please forgive me for my vanity; that I had the audacity to tell you to change me, when you in your infinite wisdom created me very good. I have no right to dispute how you created me. Please forgive me for this. Forgive me for insulting you. It was not my intention. Forgive me for my lack of understanding.”
Kevin goes on praying like this, tears running, repeating himself over and over. He feels he has to pray over and over to undo the hundreds if not thousands of prayers he made before, asking God to change him.
“It is forgiven, Kevin. You can stop crying. I want to talk to you,” God says.
Kevin can’t stop crying. The mercy and grace he feels and experiences from God is overwhelming! He has just realized how sinful he was for the past several years, yet God forgives it in an
instant. In his heart he is praising God in every way possible, but can’t stop crying.
After a long, long time, Kevin calms himself down and composes himself. He is exhausted by what has just happened, but he feels wonderful. A major burden has been lifted. He feels free. He has a headache from all the crying and his body feels extremely weak, but he has to talk to God now.
“Are you there, God?” Kevin asks.
“I am here, always,” God replies. “Quite some insight and wisdom you gained tonight. I am proud of you.”
“I’m sorry it took so long and I hope you can forgive me,” Kevin says.
“It is already forgotten,” God says.
There are so many things Kevin wants to talk about, but he can’t think of anything now. Everything has suddenly changed with this realisation. He needs to get a new perspective over his own life.
“So being like this is OK?” Kevin asks.
“Of course. That’s how I created you,” God says.
“So, I’m not a freak?” Kevin asks.
“You’re not a freak. And even if you were a freak, you are still my little freak,” God says.
Kevin smiles at that. It’s wonderful to talk to God again. “But why did you make me like this?” Kevin asks.
“You’ll have to learn the answer to that yourself. At least you are back on the road less travelled. There is still a lot you have to do though. The journey is not done, not by a long stretch,” God says.
“I understand. There are…“ Kevin starts crying again. He can feel a sensation in his heart. “What have I done to Michael? Oh God, I was such an asshole!” Kevin exclaims.
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