“You were indeed. I told you: courage, Kevin, courage. You’ll need courage,” God says.
“But I was courageous! Do you know how hard it was for me? I love Michael. I love everything about him. I did it for you. It took great courage!” Kevin says.
“Did it for me? Or did it for the world? You convinced yourself that you did it for me, but you were influenced by the world and in the end the world won. You did it for the world, because the whole world wants you straight, or so you think. Love is the most beautiful thing. I created you to love. I would never condemn true love from the heart. I am Love and you and Michael expressed that love to one another,” God says.
“But Michael doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t even go to church,” Kevin says.
“You don’t need a church to love. Michael is doing exactly what I created him for. He isn’t trying to be good, like you. A lot of people make mistakes because they try to be good, instead of just being. He is just being who he is. And so, my love (that he has as well), is allowed to flow. What I don’t have from Michael is a relationship with him. And I would like that more than anything else,” God says.
“You said: I was trying to be good. What is wrong with that?” Kevin wants to know.
“The biggest problem man has is that he lives under the illusion that he knows good from evil, but he doesn’t. Look at all the destruction, death and pain man is causing. Look at history. Chaos is everywhere. Do you think that was done by people who run around and think they’re going to be really evil and bad and destroy everything? No, it was done by people who thought they did the right thing, that they were good. Every war is justified as good according to man, yet in my eyes, no war is justified. People believe the lie of the serpent that he can know the difference between good and evil to this day. It is explained if you read the following two chapters in the Bible where you started. It is a lie: man does not know the difference between good and evil. You have to face this fact, or else you and mankind will not move forward. You still have to learn good from evil,” God says.
“So I shouldn’t try to be good? That sounds really strange,” Kevin says.
“You should be who you are. That’s why I said before: just let it be, Kevin,” God says.
“I still don’t understand that, but I rather want to talk about Michael. You know how much I love him. I thought it was courage that made me hurt him like that. I never spoke to him after that, because I couldn’t explain to him why I had to do it and now you are telling me that what we had was what you made us for? So I did it all for nothing? The hardest thing I ever did in my life was for nothing? It can’t be!”
“It can be, Kevin. I see it every day,” God replies.
“But why was it so hard then?” Kevin asks.
“Because you knew it was not what you wanted and you went against your own will. You knew your relationship with Michael was true and real and innocent. You knew you were hurting Michael and still went ahead, and in the process your soul was screaming in pain because by hurting Michael, you hurt yourself as well. Your soul was made to love. You knew you were destroying love and you knew there was no justification for what you did. Yet you still did it, because you believed a lie. You don’t need courage to destroy love. I hope you learned now that it takes courage to love. You were not courageous, Kevin. You were a coward.”
Kevin is quite upset and says, “I don’t think that’s fair, God. There is a lot of evidence that led me to come to that conclusion. Surely those responsible should take some of the blame as well?”
There is no reply.
“God?” Kevin asks again.
It is silent again. “How bad is that?” Kevin thinks. “After lifting me up, God tells me that I’m a coward.” Kevin isn’t very happy with that. No one ever called him that before.
That night, Kevin can’t sleep. His mind is racing with one thought after another. There is so much he has to process. So, being different like this is not a sin? And everybody seems to miss that? And how does it happen that Michael, who does not go to church and does not have a relationship with God, ends up pleasing God more? That seems cruel.
He spends a long time processing his new reality. He then prays to God again and says that him being different is their secret and that he was glad that he could clear things up with Him, but that nobody else needs to know.
“It doesn’t work like that, Kevin,” God replies.
Kevin says, “I know how to make it work and I’ll show you how that it is possible. I’m just glad we have a relationship again.” Kevin has figured it all out. He will have his secret but without the guilt that comes along with it.
The next day, Kevin and his mother go to Pick ‘n Pay. He tells her that he wants to go and see what protein shake he should get because he wants to prepare for athletics again and maybe it would help. He is standing at the end of the aisle, looking at all the different products, reading the labels to choose one. He suddenly feels a strong urge to turn around and when he does, Michael is standing right in front of him. Kevin has all the same feelings like before, the feeling of the stomach contracting, the warmth in the chest, that old horniness feeling, difficulty breathing; everything is suddenly back, except, he has to hold his tears back. Michael is much bigger than he remembered and more beautiful than ever.
“Hello, Michael,” he says.
“Ah, Kevin! Didn’t think I would see you here,” Michael replies.
“How are you?” Kevin asks.
“Fine, fine. You?” Michael answers bluntly.
“Fine too,” Kevin says. He can tell Michael is just polite.
“I would really like to talk to you sometime,” Kevin says in a stutter.
“Yeah, you think? It’s been more than two years. I had to change my entire life because of you, because you were my life. And now you want to talk? I don’t think it would be a good idea. It would be…”
“I’m sorry, Michael. I’ve been a real asshole. I’m deeply…” Kevin says.
“I’m sorry too, but I have to go,” Michael interrupts and moves on.
“How’s your music doing?” Kevin asks quickly. “Did you learn to play the violin?”
Michael has a bit of a smile and says, “Yes, I play the violin too. But I still prefer the piano. I have to go. Bye.”
“Yeah, keep well!” Kevin says.
Kevin looks at Michael as he walks down the aisle and the tears come. He still feels the same about Michael and he will never have that again. He only has himself to blame. He screwed up big time. He so much wants to hold Michael again.
He is wiping his eyes with his shirt when his mother comes around the corner. “Why are you crying?” she asks.
“I’m not crying. There’s something in my eye,” he says.
“Did you see Michael?” his mother asks. “I saw him a minute ago in the next aisle.”
“No, I’ll go and say ‘hi’ quickly,” Kevin says and leaves.
The next day Kevin goes to Michael. He knocks and waits. It appears as if there is no one there. Kevin waits a really long time before he decides to leave.
For the rest of the holiday Kevin concentrates on preparing for athletics next year. That’s now the only thing that brings him joy. He does also try to play the piano again for the first time in years, but finds that he has lost his touch a bit. Maybe, with a little more practice, he can get back on top of it again.
Chapter XVII
Another year and another disappointing athletics season for Kevin. He isn’t doing that badly, quite well actually, but once again he hasn’t managed to go to the South African championships, which is what he intended. He wonders if he is ever going to reach that. He is still with Paula and she encourages him not to give up. He is quite happy to have her as a girlfriend.
In relation to God, he is more confused than ever. He doesn’t know what to believe anymore. He is questioning whether he truly heard God that night, or maybe he was just delusional. He has asked so many people whether or not they th
ink he is a coward and everyone says that it is not the case. Surely, he isn’t a coward. And the voice he hears from God is pale in comparison to the huge number of comments there are in the media, from his friends and many adults in society on sexuality, saying that people like him are bad.
Shortly after Easter, a group of people come to Vryheid to talk about marriage, sexuality, love and related issues. It is a kind of seminar organised by another church, but as it happens in small towns, when something different happens, the whole town knows about it and is interested in it. At his own church it is announced what the four days will be about and the pastor encourages the congregation to attend the seminar series. It will begin on Tuesday with a session on married couples and end on Friday which is about sexuality and the youth. Kevin’s parents go to listen to the session on married couples on Tuesday while the youth group at his church all decide to go on Friday as a group.
Kevin waits up for his parents to return. At nearly eleven they finally come home. “How was the seminar? Anything interesting?” Kevin asks them when they come into the living room.
“It was the biggest load of rubbish I ever heard. I couldn’t wait to get out of there,” his father grumbles.
“No, it wasn’t that bad. It was very informative and thought-provoking. I liked it,” his mother says.
“But what was it about?” Kevin asks his mother when his father leaves the room. His mother explains to him all the things that they talked about, like open communication between couples, how to keep a marriage exciting after 20 years, adult stuff and so on. Kevin isn’t really satisfied with anything she explains. He is hopeful though that it will be better when he goes.
That Friday he attends the seminar with friends from his congregation. They all sit together and their pastor is there too. He notices that there are several speakers on different topics. The first speaker talks about relationships that should develop from a friendship to more. He thinks that maybe he is on the right track with Paula, because they have a wonderful friendship and he is grateful to have her in his life. It could develop into something more, so he likes that speaker.
The second speaker talks about masturbation and is clearly against it. He quotes parts from the Bible about it being wrong and just as Kevin begins to feel really uneasy; one of the other speakers contradicts him and says there is nothing wrong with it. They kind of have a debate on the issue and afterwards he still doesn’t know whether it is right or wrong.
The third speaker talks about the dangers of sex, like illnesses and pregnancies and says that one should truly consider the consequences before having sex, because there are consequences. He explains that if two people have sex, it’s like a glue that keeps them together, but if one has sex with someone else, that glue is then torn apart in order to stick with someone else again. Every time one has sex with a different person, the glue gets less and less until it is impossible to find someone to stick with. At that stage a relationship will be really hard to come by for such a person. He advises people not to have sex, but if they do, they have to limit their partners to one. Kevin is extremely impressed with this presentation and everything makes sense to him.
After a short break, the next speaker is a guy who appears a bit girly to Kevin, flapping his hands about and talking in an irritating nasal tone. He begins and says that he used to be gay and then he found Jesus and became straight and since then has the need to share his story. He says that he is guided by the Holy Spirit. Kevin cannot believe that someone is actually going to talk about this in Vryheid.
He says that he grew up in a family that didn’t really go to church. After school he felt attracted to guys and often went to gay bars and lived in the gay sub-culture. He had several boyfriends but he found that he really wasn’t happy at all. About three years ago, somebody suggested that he should go to a certain church in Johannesburg and then he learned all about Jesus. Shortly after that, he accepted Jesus into his heart and he gradually began to change. He felt that his urges for men decreased and about a year later he had a girlfriend. Everything in his life has changed for the better. He is doing well in business, is happy in his personal life and he has recently proposed to his girlfriend and they are going to marry in a few months. “I don’t have any urges towards men anymore,” he says.
He continues by saying that his homosexuality was caused by his family life, because he had a weak father figure who was absent from his life. This caused him to crave a man in his life, which resulted in his being gay. Finding Jesus was the only solution and he would encourage those who have this kind of attraction towards men - and he is sure there are some in the room - to allow Jesus into their hearts and Jesus will change them from the inside. He was gay because he wasn’t living with Jesus and that was a sign that he should turn to God. He goes on and on about this and eventually another speaker says that he should conclude because they still have another speaker.
The final speaker talks about involving God in all your relationships, but Kevin doesn’t hear anything about that. He is perplexed about what he has heard and can’t stop thinking. The previous guy started out by saying that he didn’t really go to church, but Kevin goes to church nearly every Sunday and always has. He feels strange if they don’t go to church. He had a great relationship with Jesus and God and if he remembers correctly it all started going wrong when he realized he was a freak, or different. He surely cannot identify with this speaker. Something else bothers him. This guy blamed his weak father as the cause of his being gay. Kevin is highly upset about this. “Does this guy know my father? Has he met him? How dare he say my dad is a weak or an absent father figure?” Kevin chats to himself in his mind. In his Confirmation classes he learned that you should honour your parents. But where is the honour in blaming your parents for your problems? Surely that cannot be right, because that means breaking the fourth Commandment.
Afterwards everyone talks about the evening, but Kevin isn’t participating. “Why are you so quiet?” a girl from his congregation asks. “I’m a bit tired and have a headache,” Kevin replies. He wants to believe this guy. He wants to cling on to some form of hope, but on the other hand this guy really doesn’t seem to know what he is talking about. Kevin feels outraged that someone is allowed to preach the breaking of the fourth Commandment in a church.
It appears as if this guy is truly happy and Kevin also just wants to be happy again. That gives him hope, but nothing else he said gave him any guidance as to what he should do to acquire this happiness. All he can think of is how important his relationship with Paula is. That seems to be the only hope. They did kiss twice already in the last few months and that wasn’t too bad. Luckily there weren’t any boobs involved.
“How was it?” his dad asks him when he gets into the car.
“It was OK,” Kevin replies very unenthusiastically.
“You’re allowed to say you didn’t like it,” his father says and grins.
“It was OK, but I don’t feel I understand anything better after nearly four hours of listening to them,” Kevin says.
“I felt the same. It was all airy fairy, nothing concrete. Marriage and relationship is about basics. The family should eat together at least once a day around a dinner table and talk about everything. Almost all marriages that end up in divorce eat dinner in front of the television or separate from one another. When there is a problem, sort it out immediately. If there’s conflict, confront it, get it out in the open, and then forgive and it’s over. Moving on…” his father says.
Kevin understands his father’s thinking, so he just replies, “Yes,” and keeps staring out of the window.
Chapter XVIII
Kevin and his team mates are watching the first rugby team play against a high school in Empangeni. It is late on a Saturday afternoon and they still have to travel back to Vryheid. It is a nail-biting finish, with just two points between them. With about two minutes remaining, Martin, playing flank, goes over the try line to score.
On the bus back, th
e mood is joyous and celebratory. Everyone is standing in the bus, singing and commenting about the day. It’s the first time in four years that all of the rugby teams have won against Empangeni, and a first team win makes it even more special. Kevin is in the second team, which also won.
After a while on the journey, the guys begin to take their seats. No one sits next to Kevin and he stares out of the window, although it’s getting darker and darker. Then Martin sits down next to Kevin, which surprises Kevin. It’s not like they are special mates or anything. Martin is drop-dead handsome, but he also knows it, and that undercover arrogance can be annoying. Kevin likes his attitude, though, and likes Martin, too, who takes care of himself. He goes to the gym and is always well groomed.
After talking about the rugby for a while, Martin asks Kevin, “So, how are you doing with Paula. You’ve been together for some time now.”
“We’re doing great and yeah, she’s wonderful,” Kevin replies. “You’re not with someone now, are you?”
“No, but it’s just a matter of time. I must wait for things to calm down a bit, because I’ve upset a few girls and warra warra warra,” Martin replies.
“Oh yes, you change girls quite frequently. It’s impressive!” Kevin says.
“And I nailed nearly all of them, hence I have to wait because all those bitches gossip,” Martin says.
“You can say that again. I don’t want anyone to know what I’m up to. At least, since I’m with Paula, I’m not involved in that kind of gossip anymore,” Kevin says.
“It’s been some time since I had any…” Martin says and keeps quiet.
“Any?” Kevin asks and then says, “Oh, yeah, I can imagine. Poor you!” Kevin begins to feel this feeling in his stomach. There is definitely some tension between him and Martin. He cannot believe his luck!
“Yeah,” Martin says. “It gets boring after a while to keep helping yourself.”
Kevin feels some excitement in his willy. The stress of talking about this while everyone is around them adds to the excitement and he begins to shake. He doesn’t know what to say next and says, “So…” His voice trembles, so he keeps quiet.
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