God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  Dr Barnard says, “I wish people would realise what their idle words do to little children. I can feel your pain just hearing you say that. Jesus said that it would be better if someone was drowned by a millstone than to make one of the little ones fall.9 I wish people would get that!” Dr Barnard gets quite aggressive.

  He takes a deep breath, exhales and then says, “Sorry about that, I get carried away sometimes. It’s called passion.”

  “No worries. Glad to see you’re human too!” Kevin says.

  Dr Barnard smiles and says, ”Anyway, about the Bible: it has been translated several times, from Hebrew to Greek, to Latin and so forth. It is often difficult to find the right words to describe something, especially since language changes over time and some of the words that were once used are no longer applicable. Similarly, some words developed later as new concepts have to be explained. I tell you this because the word “homosexual” is a relatively new word. It is derived from Greek and was first used in print in 186910 in German and first in English in 1892!11 If you look at the King James Bible, it is not there, nor in Luthers’ translation of the Bible, because both were translated before then. Yet in more recent translations it appears twice in the Old Testament and at that time, the word “homosexual” didn’t even exist in the ancient Hebrew in which it was written.”

  “In other words, it’s a mistake?” Kevin asks.

  “Yes, it’s a terrible mistake and it has been cited by many scholars over the years,12 but no one seems to care,” Dr Barnard says.

  Kevin is upset by what he hears. “That cannot be! All of this pain I went through because the Bible has a mistake? That’s a bit hard to swallow. What about Sodom and Gomorrah? Many say these cities were destroyed because they were full of gays.”

  “That is utter nonsense! People should go and read it again. It is ridiculous that two entire cities are inhabited entirely by gays. How did they pro-create? It’s impossible! The cities were destroyed because of the wickedness of their people and when people are wicked in their hearts, sexual perversion often follows. That doesn’t apply only to gays, but straights as well. Homosexuality and wickedness do not go hand in hand. That is a false assumption. If two men love one another, how can it automatically mean they are wicked? Read the passage again when you’re home and you’ll understand what I mean,” Dr Barnard says.

  “Ok, I will. But then there is Romans. You have to understand that the Church Reformation was based primarily on Paul’s letter to the Romans because it states that the salvation of man comes only through faith in the grace of God. I like that letter, but this has been the biggest problem for me. In the beginning Paul writes against men who commit indecent acts with other men. There the word “homosexual” is not used,” Kevin says.

  “This is a delicate one, so you have to pay attention. Firstly, you have to bear in mind that it was a letter addressed to the Romans for a specific purpose at a specific time. Paul knew the Romans and he knew that they resented the Greeks more than anything else. He wanted to drive home what is meant by God’s wrath, so he used the resentment of the Romans towards the Greeks to explain it. He knew that many Romans believed that the Greek empire collapsed because of its open practice of homosexuality and that to most Romans that was the vilest thing imaginable. Are you with me so far?” Dr Barnard asks.

  “Yes, I know something about the ancient cultures. I follow you,” Kevin says.

  “OK, the Romans had a questionable value system where bribery, deceit, malice and arrogance wasn’t only accepted, but exalted. So what Paul did was to equate practices the Romans had - like greed, bribery, arrogance, murder and so forth that were acceptable to the Romans - to that of homosexuality of the Greeks.”13 Dr Barnard says.

  “Really! I’ve never heard of any of this!” Kevin interrupts him.

  “Well, it is ludicrous to think that only gays gossip, or are ruthless, or disobey their parents or are greedy. That applies to everyone. If you look at the verse directly after the ‘men committed with men’ verse, verse 28, it says: ‘Since they did not think it worthwhile to retain knowledge of God…’ and continues from there. That definitely does not refer to you, because you have a desire to know God!” Dr Barnard explains.

  “Yes, indeed I do! I see what you mean now!” Kevin says and his eyes begin to brighten.

  “Paul went out of his way to ensure that everyone who reads it comes to the conclusion that no one is righteous, not even one as it says in chapter 3. People who choose to read just a few verses and then claim to understand it, make a huge mistake. One should read the entire letter to understand it and it means so much more than ‘gay is wrong,’ ” Dr Barnard says.

  Kevin wonders about it and says, “I’ll go and read it again. I cannot believe what I am hearing. All of this suffering based on mistakes and false interpretations… Wow!”

  Dr Barnard says, “Well, go and read it again. Hopefully, you’ll have new insight. Also, when you do, read Romans 2:1, the very next verse after the ones that those against gays so love to quote. It says something like: ‘one has no right to pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point one judges another, one condemns oneself.’ People who are against gays do not even bother to read the next verse. If they did and they truly wanted to live a righteous life, they would not condemn others. Theologians call this the difference between “eisegese” - having a personal opinion and using the Bible to justify their opinion - and “exegese” – reading a passage and truly trying to understand what the Bible says. We have to read the Bible in order to understand fully what it really says and it’s not always an easy task. As a rule of thumb, I believe that the Bible is there to help us and if we use it to bash someone else over the head, we are using it incorrectly.”

  “Yeah, that’s a good way of looking at it actually,” Kevin says.

  “Also, we should never remind people about their sins. That is what evil does. Evil forces continually try to separate God and man, the Creator from the creation. Sins separate man from God. So to throw someone’s sins in front of their face is evil. Those who remind people of their sins try to push a wedge between the Creator and creation. They worship the devil! They are the false prophets. They are the ferocious wolves in sheep’s clothing Jesus talks about,14” Dr Barnard says.

  “Wow, I don’t think many Christians are aware of this…” Kevin says, smiling.

  “They’re not. Christians should preach the forgiveness of sins through Jesus Christ - not reminding people of their sins or condemnation. They have their sides mixed up!” Dr Barnard says.

  Kevin sighs deeply and shakes his head. He looks at the floor and his mind is racing again.

  “Kevin, we’ve spoken about many things today and I know that it’s a lot for you to take in. I suggest we stop now and then you will have time to think about everything we talked about. Go and read the Bible again so that you can see that there definitely is a different way of looking at everything we talked about. Then we’ll see each other next week again. Oh, and remember to work on your relationship and communication with God. That is more important than anything else we’ve talked about,” Dr Barnard says.

  “I will definitely do that. My head is spinning a bit at the moment! I wish I had some of this information a bit earlier in my life. It would have made a big difference,” Kevin says.

  “The important thing is that you have it now. Don’t dwell on the past. You cannot change it,” Dr Barnard says.

  That same evening, Kevin speaks to God again about what he has learned today. “I had so much hope to change, yet it was not to be. What a waste!” he says.

  God replies, “There is a lot of talk about hope in the world, but for some reason never a discussion on false hope. It is a real issue not only in people’s personal and religious lives, but also on a bigger scale, where they place their hope in a political group or an economic idea that is definitely not going to bring change. Hope is only useful when it is placed in something that is true and then it will manifest i
tself. If people place their hope in something that is false, they end up disillusioned and disappointed and I receive the brunt of the blame. Yet it has nothing to do with me.”

  “That’s so true, because when I didn’t change I felt that You abandoned me and I was very disappointed with You. I’ll be more careful about what I hope for in future,” Kevin says.

  Chapter XXIII

  A few months later, Kevin has everything figured out in his mind, but he knows that at some point he’ll have to start telling people about his sexuality. It’s all fair and well knowing the road, but it’s completely different walking the road. Dr Barnard told him that in one of their more recent sessions, when they discussed the road not taken. It’s clear to him that he will have to take a step in that direction, but it remains hard.

  He also feels that he has to clear everything with Michael. Although everything happened a long time ago, Kevin feels guilty about it and Dr Barnard suggested that he should fix things. He invited Michael on Facebook, but as of yet, Michael still hasn’t accepted it. He has no other way of contacting him, so all he can do is wait.

  Kevin thinks a lot about how he should tell his family. He prefers to tell everyone all at once so that he won’t have to face the same ordeal several times. On the other hand, he could tell his sister first, see how she reacts and then the rest of his family. Since they are in Johannesburg, he also sees Marcus - his older brother - more often, and he wonders if he should tell him before his parents too. Also, he has made a lot of friends at school. He could tell them first, but somehow he feels that they don’t know him that well. He keeps everyone at arm’s length. He doesn’t trust anyone too close to him. Because of this, he feels that he doesn’t make the best of every friendship. He has to change - something has to give.

  One evening he speaks to God about it, who then says, “You’re very good at deadlines. Pick a date to tell them and let the pieces fall where they may.”

  Kevin thinks it’s a brilliant idea. He usually only kicks into gear to study for something the day before, but he always gets things done that way. It’s early June, so he wants to finish the exams first and then he will tell his family. He decides that the deadline to tell his sister will be on Saturday, 20th June, and his parents a week later. Now it’s set and he is not going to back away from it.

  He often thinks that his relationship with his sister is not as special as it used to be. The fact that they moved to Johannesburg together and that they went through the same experiences definitely helped their relationship. In order to build up towards telling his sister, he starts working on improving their relationship in general.

  He makes a concerted effort to chat to her about her day and to find out what’s going on in her life. He notices that her conversations with God are also less often, but he doesn’t want to expand on it too much. Every day they do something musical, either playing or listening to music. She has learned how to play the guitar and he wants to know how one plays it.

  One afternoon, while talking about this and that, Klara wants to know how guys think, because she feels that there’s someone in her class who likes her, and she likes him, but he won’t make a move. She wants to know if it would be appropriate to approach him first. Kevin wants to know from her how she knows that this guy likes her.

  “You just know,” she says. “Don’t you have that where you just know a girl likes you?” she asks.

  Without thinking much Kevin says, “I can tell when a guy likes me, but with a girl it’s a bit more difficult.”

  There’s absolute silence afterwards. Klara stares at Kevin and he looks away.

  She then looks around too, shakes her head, smiles and says, “Say again… what?!”

  “You know… I find it easier to read guys with things like that. It has always been like that. I actually don’t think much about girls,” Kevin says.

  “OK, this is interesting. So, you think more about guys than girls. Are you telling me that you’re…”

  “Yes,” Kevin interrupts her quickly, “I’m still coming to grips with it, and so it would be great if we can keep it between us,” he says.

  “OK, of course. I honestly don’t think it would be a good idea to tell Mom and Dad. Are you sure about this? Isn’t it just a phase? What about Paula? You were together for like a year,” she says.

  “Yeah, I know. I thought that maybe if I had a girlfriend it would change, but it didn’t. That was just a phase. This is real. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time and I don’t want to hide it anymore. I’m lying to everyone around me. I don’t want to do that anymore,” Kevin says.

  “So, for how long have you… When did you realize this?” Klara asks.

  “Er… for a long time. I would say it has always been like that. The first time I realized something is definitely different was in primary school already. Sometimes, when I think about it, I think even earlier,” Kevin replies.

  Klara says, “It’s kind of weird to think that I have a brother who is… like… gay. It’s cool when it’s someone else’s brother, but this is a bit close to home.” Klara takes a moment to think things over and then says, “In a way it makes sense, if I think about it now.”

  “I know this is not easy to understand, but at least try. Part of the reason why we drifted apart since we were younger is because of this. I want us to be as close as we were before again,” Kevin says.

  “What do you mean? We’ve always been kind of close, that’s why you are telling me this, isn’t it?” Klara says.

  Kevin says, “Well, I think it can be better. I just hope you understand, because it will be really difficult for me to tell Mom and Dad if I’m not sure about how you feel. You can take your time to think about it,” Kevin says.

  Klara shakes her head and says, “I don’t need to think about it. You’re my brother and I love you. Besides, it will be nice to have something out of place in our family. Everything is so perfect, it’s depressing. Maybe Mom and Dad will ease up on me when you tell them, because being the only daughter is not always fun. Gee, I don’t think you should tell them. They will…”

  Kevin interrupts her, “I have to tell them. There is no other way. The sooner, the better. I’m scared too, I mean, it’s my whole life on the line. I don’t know how they will react, but I have to get it off my chest.”

  Klara gazes ahead of her into the distance and says, “Good luck! Rather you than me. I guess when the roof explodes, that will be when you’ve told them…”

  “Don’t be like that. One never knows. Thanks for this chat. I feel better telling you about it. You’re great!” and then he hugs her.

  Later that day Kevin is very pleased with himself. The opportunity presented itself and he took it. He was well ahead of his deadline. His sister seems to take it well. He is so relieved that he actually started the process. There is no stopping now.

  Chapter XXIV

  It’s late on Saturday night, 27th June, also known as Deadline Day by Kevin. He has to do the most difficult thing ever in his life and time is running out. They have already had dinner and his parents are chatting in their bedroom. Kevin knows he has to do something now. The entire day he has felt God’s presence urging him to get on with it. He walks to his parents’ room. It feels like he has to fight his body every step with what he is about to do. He walks into the room and asks his parents if they would like tea or something because he’s going to make some tea.

  “Sure! That’s a pleasant surprise!” his father says. “Tea for me.”

  “Tea for me too. I can’t drink coffee now,” his mother says. As he walks down the passage he hears his mother say, “I wonder what’s going on? He doesn’t drink tea. He has never offered us tea before we go to bed, ever. I’m sure he wants something.”

  Kevin pops into the living room where Klara is watching television and tells her that he’s going to tell his parents and that she should not interrupt. She says, “Kevin, wait! I don’t think you should… “ but he walks away.

 
; In the kitchen, Kevin is shaking. He drops the sugar bowl and has to clean up. The kettle takes forever to boil and he just wants it over with. He says a prayer to ask God for courage while he waits for the kettle to boil.

  He walks into the room and as he gives the tea to his parents, he says, “There is something I want to talk to you about.”

  Kevin’s mother says, “Yeah, I’ve been expecting that. Just tell us what you want.”

  Kevin smiles and says, “I don’t want anything, but I do want to talk to you, if you don’t mind.”

  “OK, what is it about. You can tell us,” Kevin’s father says.

  Kevin sits down on a couch in his parents’ room and wonders how he should start. His parents are already in bed, but both sitting up straight. He realizes that he didn’t make tea for himself, but leaves it. On the alarm clock, he sees that it’s 22:05. He starts talking about his depression and everything he has learned from it. He talks about the other personal problems he has and that he really wants to get off the medication he’s on. He talks about his relationships with girls that didn’t work for him. He talks about his Confirmation and what all of it is supposed to mean. He mentions Brendan, Michael, the fact that he quitted music, athletics, the new school, and while he is talking he realises that nothing he says makes any sense. He is talking non-stop. His mouth is dry and without any proper build up he suddenly says, “I’m gay.” He looks at the clock again and sees it’s 22:56.

  He exhales deeply after saying that and his heart is pounding. He immediately feels relieved and peaceful. He looks at his parents, who both look a bit stunned, and the silence is too much for him, so in order to break the silence, he asks, “Do you know what that means?”