God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  One of the girls suggests that they go outside. She grabs his hand and heads outside. There are almost as many people outside as inside, but at least one can talk to one another. Kevin feels that the chick he is with is definitely in hunting mode and he doesn’t want to give her the wrong impression. If she spends time with him, it will be a waste. In the end nothing will happen. Although he isn’t interested in her physically, she is quite a sport. He isn’t sure what to do. While she’s talking to him, he interrupts her and says, “I’m sorry, but I am gay. I just thought I’d tell you that now so that…”

  “So? We’re just having fun, right? Nobody said anything about sex!” the girl says and makes quite a scene.

  “OK, sorry, my mistake. Let’s go dancing again!” Kevin says in order to get her to calm down.

  On the dance floor, it doesn’t take long before she drifts away towards someone else, and he sees his chance to get away from her and heads for the bar.

  Kevin gets a Hunter’s since he isn’t in the mood for beer anymore and doesn’t want anything stronger than that. He stays at the bar for a while and thinks about the girl he just danced with. “She definitely was looking for some beef,” he thinks, “but too proud to admit it!”

  At the bar, another rather cute guy keeps staring at him and Kevin gets some kind of vibe from him. He doesn’t know what to do and stays where he is. Eventually, the guy comes over and starts talking to Kevin, but slurs his speech and his eyes are unfocused. Kevin can’t understand much the guy is saying. He laughs and nods his head every now and then but wants to get away from this drunk, without being rude. Eventually he says, “Let’s go and dance,” and walks away, hoping to lose the guy in the crowd. On the dance floor, he dances again and closes his eyes in order to avoid eye contact with anyone. He likes the music which is trance-like with a fantastic rhythm. He loses himself in it. He experiences his body, the feeling and movement of it, even his breathing, to be completely different than ever before. “Was this what Dr Barnard was talking about?” he wonders. He is really getting into it, when his brother touches him and shakes him and says, “Let’s go home!”

  On their way home, the two brothers chat about the evening. Kevin loved all of it, even the drama that went with it. Although he can feel he drank a bit, he doesn’t feel drunk and out of control, which is a good thing.

  Then his brother says, “I should have told you before, but didn’t think about it until I saw you dancing before we left. You seemed high, like on drugs. I’m not going to preach to you, but as a rule, don’t mix alcohol and drugs. Try to avoid drugs, but if you should try them, don’t mix. It’s dangerous!”

  Kevin is surprised at hearing this. There’s a lot of talk about drugs, but he has never come in contact with drugs.

  “How do you know this?” Kevin asks.

  “I’ll trust you on this, but I’ve had my experiences with drugs. Tonight there were quite a lot of people on drugs. I thought you were too,” Marcus replies.

  “I’m not on drugs. Are you on drugs now?” Kevin asks.

  Marcus laughs and says, “No, not tonight. I’ve used ecstasy several times and although I like it in a way, I think I’m done with it.”

  “I don’t think drugs are something I want to try,” Kevin says.

  “I didn’t think I wanted to try it either, it just happens,” Marcus says. “Keep it that way for as long as you can. The temptations are everywhere!”

  The next day, Marcus and Kevin are at home watching television. They don’t really know what else to do and there isn’t anything impressive on TV either. After doing some channel-hopping, Marcus stops on a channel with some kind of soap opera. They watch the soap long enough to gather that one of the characters has taken an interest in his brother’s girlfriend and she feels the same, so she dumps the one brother for the other one.

  Marcus is lying on the couch with his hands behind his head. After the dramatic scene he mumbles, “Luckily that will never happen to me.”

  Kevin laughs and says nothing. He knows it’s his brother’s way of saying that he is fine with his sexuality.

  After a while Kevin says, “I had a great time last night. We should go again – and soon too!”

  Marcus sits up straight and replies, “We can, but next time, we could maybe go to another club. I didn’t like the club last night. The girls were too young and giggly. I think most of them were still at school or maybe just out of school.”

  “As long as I can dance and try new moves and stuff. It’s so much better when there is decent sound. For talking, it’s too much, but I don’t want to talk to anyone,” Kevin replies.

  Chapter XXVII

  At the gym, Kevin tells some of his friends about his club experience. When James hears where he was, he says, “Oh, dear god, no! Come on! That’s horrible! You should come with us to a gay bar or club or whatever you want to call it. It will blow you away!”

  “There are gay clubs?” Kevin asks surprised.

  “Oh yeah, more than one actually,” James says. “The vibe is completely different and I guarantee you once you’ve been there, you won’t want to go to a straight bar again. It’s so boring.”

  Kevin is excited about what he hears and they make arrangements to go on Wednesday. Since it’s still a holiday there is no harm. He has made a nice group of friends at the gym, who are all studying either at university or college.

  On Wednesday, James and Eric come and get him and off they go. Kevin is excited and also a bit nervous. He has no idea what to expect. James and Eric tell him that he doesn’t have to worry: they’ll be there, to protect him, so to speak, so nothing will happen. That’s exactly what has Kevin worried. What can be so bad that he needs to be protected?

  At the club, Kevin heads straight for the bar first. He is overwhelmed by what he sees: one hot guy after another. It’s paradise! He likes the music and can’t wait to dance.

  On the dance floor, he can’t stop looking around. It’s not only about what he sees, but also how he feels. In this crowd, it finally feels that he belongs somewhere, that he has come home and that he is not a freak and he is not the only one. He feels free to be whatever he wants to be. He notices that there is a lot of attention on him, so he closes his eyes and continues dancing. He likes the vibe around him.

  Different people begin to talk to him. He has decided that he isn’t going to lie to anyone about anything anymore and tells them that he is still at school, even though they might throw him out. He doesn’t want to do anything that makes him feel even the slightest bit of guilt again. He has also decided that even though he wants a boyfriend, it must be someone who knocks his socks off. He must feel the same kind of connection and attraction as with Michael, or even better. If not, then who cares? He doesn’t have to be in a relationship, as Dr Barnard said. There is so much more to explore.

  Later that night, he feels a bit hunted by a guy he doesn’t like much. He tried to get rid of him once or twice and then later this guy appears again. Kevin doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t know how to tell this guy that he’s not interested. Just then, James appears, puts his arms around his shoulders and says, “Kevin, honey, who are you talking to? I’ve been looking all over for you. Come, I’ve ordered a shooter.”

  As they walk away, Kevin says, “Thank God, I didn’t know what to do anymore.” James then says, “Rule number one: never think twice to tell an annoying character to fuck off! I know it will be difficult for you, but some men can’t get the message any other way.”

  At the end of the evening, when they drive back, Kevin says, “You were right, James. This is way better than I thought. I’ve never had any social evening as wonderful as this. When are we going again?”

  Two weeks later on Friday, Kevin is at the gym again. His life currently revolves around going to the gym during the day and clubbing at night. He has never been happier. At the gym, Eric asks him whether he is going to the club tonight. Kevin replies that it should be obvious.

  “They are be
ginning to call you a cock-teaser at the club. You act as if you’re into someone, but it only stays at that, an act,” Eric says.

  “So, I have my little thrills. And I’m not like that with everyone, but I won’t tell you about that. The way I see it: it’s better to make everyone wonder how I am in bed than to show everyone how I am,” Kevin says with a big smile. “Look at some of those old queens who have shagged half the club. They can’t get anyone anymore, because no-one feels special with them, since they shared their bodies so easily. Now they can only prey on new guys. That will never happen to me. I’ll keep them interested,” he says as he winks at Eric.

  Eric shakes his head and smiles.

  That evening, while Kevin dances, his eye catches a glimpse of someone he recognises. He can’t see properly as long as he is on the dance floor, so he follows the guy where he saw him a second ago. He keeps walking around and then as if the crowd separates for him to see, Kevin’s initial thought is confirmed. He is looking at Mr Van Kerken, from his primary school.

  Kevin is disgusted by what he sees and the anger boils over in him. To imagine: the guy who caused him so much pain is doing exactly that which he was against. How does that work?

  “Kevin, walk away!” God interrupts his thoughts.

  “Walk away? Are you crazy? After what this guy did? I have many friends here. We can beat the shit out of him!” Kevin tells God.

  “Revenge is mine,” God says. “Go outside now! I want to talk to you.”

  Kevin reluctantly goes outside, but he wants to remain in good standing with God. “I don’t believe what I’m seeing! How can this be?” Kevin wants to know.

  “I knew it all along and he is not alone in practising the opposite of what he preaches,” God says.

  “So, here and now, let’s teach him a lesson!” Kevin says.

  “Your intention is not pure. True, he did harm you profoundly when you were young, but if you had more courage and faith in me, it would not have mattered. You blame your pain on him, when in fact your pain was from yourself not being courageous,” God says.

  “I was 12, damn it! But I’m sorted now. I’ve got balls and should stop this guy before he does any more damage to other 12 year olds,” Kevin says.

  “And was your growing a pair only your own doing?” God asks.

  “No, you helped me,” Kevin says.

  “Who else helped you, Kevin?” God asks.

  “No one! What is this about?” Kevin asks.

  “It’s about the teacher, Mr Stewart, who had true balls, not you. By telling you what he did, he had balls. He risked his job by telling you what he thought and you don’t even remember him,” God says.

  “Yeah, but I didn’t fuss or complain about him talking to me about my sex life. I could’ve caused a lot of trouble for him,” Kevin says.

  “So we should all be grateful that you weren’t an asshole when you could have been. Great! We’re all glad! You still didn’t have courage and you blame that on Mr Van Kerken and now you want to punish him. How does that make you more humane?” God asks.

  “But someone needs to do something!” Kevin says. “You can’t let him get away with the pain he causes with his idle words to others like me!”

  “And I won’t. Revenge is mine! I am fair and just. You are not. You do not know the context and you do not have the big picture. Whatever you do will be from your point of view,” God says.

  “So, when are you going to do something? When he has ruined 10, 20, 50, 100 more guys?” Kevin asks furiously.

  “I need more people who are willing to do my work; those who can hear me when I give orders directly. When I have willing workers who allow me to work through them - who are not involved in any way as you are now - to punish him justly on earth where he can learn from his mistakes, I will do so. Otherwise, I have to wait until he dies. There is no other way I work on earth; either through people or after death. If you do something now, it will be for the wrong reasons and you will do more harm than good. Walk away!” God says.

  “OK, OK. I’ll go and say ‘Hi’ then. I won’t do anything else,” Kevin says.

  “You will do no such thing. You’ll be smug with yourself, flowing over with pride. Your intention is not honourable. Walk away so that I take over. If you punish him, there is no need for me to do anything. But your punishment will not be fair and just. Walk away!” God says.

  Kevin is pissed off and goes to James and Eric and tells them that he wants to go. They leave shortly afterwards.

  Chapter XXVIII

  In July, Johannesburg is usually cold, but this winter it’s been especially cold. Kevin gets off the phone with Aunt Sally. When his family went to visit her around Easter, he took his father’s advice to talk to her about Brendan, with a lot of help from God, too. He didn’t really want to talk to her about it, but this was another one of those courage issues.

  At first, she didn’t want to believe it, but as time went by, that changed. The conversation now is about the fact that she feels it could most certainly be true, and she asks Kevin how he dealt with it, to gain some insight. In the end she tells Kevin that it is some sort of consolation to know what happened to Brendan, though she wishes there were another ending. She feels that it was totally unnecessary to commit suicide but recognizes that there simply was no room for him to express himself without fear of prejudice. Once he had depression, it spiralled out of control.

  Kevin has a warm fuzzy feeling about the conversation he has just had. He likes to help others on an emotional level and though he hasn’t made up his mind about what he should do after school yet, he might go in that direction. At present he wants to have a gap year – advice from Marcus, and lots of others he has spoken to. The question he faces is: what to do in a gap year?

  Kevin is supposed to prepare for his matric exams, but he isn’t too bothered about that. He has become fascinated with his spiritual life. “Dr Barnard was correct indeed. There is so much more to discover about life than just to be in a relationship. Many people talk about a relationship as the be-all and end-all of life, but it’s not,” he thinks. There is however a part of him that feels that he wants to have someone special, but until then, he has enough to do.

  Kevin is looking at brochures he collected from a spiritual fair a few days earlier. There were all kinds of interesting stuff to learn about. Subjects ranged from the bizarre - tarot cards and crystal gazing - to healing courses and information about spirituality and science or quantum physics, as it is known. This was of most interest to Kevin, since he has always been interested in science, but as far as he understands quantum physics, it puts an end to the debate of God versus science. In quantum physics, God reveals himself through science and there is no dichotomy, as many people want to believe. Kevin can see how some churches may have a problem with quantum physics, but he feels that they simply needed to learn more about it and then they wouldn’t have a problem with it anymore. He has rediscovered the explorer within himself and would like to explore this area of life, as Einstein did.

  He picks up a pamphlet about Reiki. It is a kind of energy healing where the healer just uses his hands to heal others. As he reads about it, he has flashing images of how Jesus healed others. “This is a way to follow Jesus,” he thinks. “Jesus healed with his hands and he also taught his disciples, so it is methodical and one can learn it. Jesus also said that everything he did, we could do also, so all of us can certainly heal others.”21

  As he is thinking about the possibility of himself being a healer, he feels that he is not alone anymore. He turns around and sees someone standing behind him, towards the right. It’s not a real person in the flesh, but a spiritual being who appears like a person. Kevin tries his best to remain calm. He has heard of this kind of appearance before. Although he is trying to be open-minded about it, it is still unnerving to see something like this.

  “Do not fear me,” says the man. He is bald on top with curly white-grey hair at the back. His skin is sun damaged and he look
s a bit rough. He wears clothes like the Middle-Easterners.

  “Who are you?” Kevin asks.

  “I’m Paul - you know, the Apostle. I understand you want to talk to me about something,” Paul says.

  “Paul! Cool! Great to meet you! I’ve asked God ages ago and forgot about it,” Kevin says.

  “I’ve been here many times in the last few months. This is the first time you’ve noticed me,” Paul says.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. This is all new to me. It’s not exactly falling into the normal category of human understanding,” Kevin says.

  “I understand. At least you are learning. You are on a path of discovery and I commend you on that! It appears you want me to clarify something. I feel honoured that I may be of assistance. What should I clarify for you?” Paul wants to know.

  “Well… OK, as I asked God, then… er, well… Fine. It seems like, if one reads comments by some scholars that you didn’t like women too much, er... and, well, some even say that you were gay because you talk about the ‘thorn in your flesh.’ So I asked God about it and he said that I should ask you. Now I do,” Kevin says.

  “I can assure you, I was not gay when I had a human body. I liked women very much, in fact, too much! They were my weakness, especially those with beautiful long hair that was freshly washed, waving in the wind. That was the thorn in my flesh. I didn’t know what to do about this weakness. Unfortunately, it influenced how I presented the Gospel to the world and I laid down rules for women that did not come from God, but came from me. I over-compensated for my weakness,” Paul says.

  “So that’s why you said women have to cover their heads, so that you won’t see their hair,” Kevin says and begins laughing. “It’s so funny actually, if you think about it. For centuries women had to wear hats because you wrote about it and it became a law. But you wrote that because they turned you on! Nobody would ever believe me if I tell them this!” Kevin says.

  “True, but in my own defence: I wrote those letters to a specific congregation facing specific problems in a specific time. If I knew that later they would use so many letters and put them in a book to define Christianity the world over for centuries to come, I would have written differently,” Paul says.