Winter

by Michelle Love

  Angel starts crying and then she points at the screen. “They're twins and they look like they’re joined in the middle.”

  I shake my head. “No, Angel. Not twins. He didn’t say that, Baby.”

  The doctor looks at me with a no-nonsense look in his pale blue eyes with many wrinkles around them. “It is twins.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I ask in complete confusion.

  “There are two babies. And it does look as if they’re joined at the abdomen. I’ll have to send you to a specialist. But it looks as if you’re having conjoined twins.”

  “Wait one minute here. There are two babies in there and they’re attached to each other?” I ask just to be really sure I understand this. “Because we only wanted one, and we didn’t want anything stuck to it. Especially not another entire person.”

  Then the real waterworks start flowing from Angel and she’s bawling. “You had to make me stay in that damn position and let the juices simmer! And now look what’s happened! There are two of them and they’re stuck together. Oh, Benny! What are we going to do?”

  The doctor pats her on the shoulder. “No need to cry, Mrs. Worthington. You’ll have the best doctors to care for you and these babies. And the simmering thing didn’t cause this. Don’t blame yourself.”

  She sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I’m not blaming myself, I’m blaming him.” She sticks her finger out at me and I have to point at myself.

  “Me! Why only me? I mean I didn’t hold a gun to your head and make you keep your ass up on that pillow for an hour after each time we had sex. You did have something to do with this fiasco, you know.” I begin to pace and have no idea what we’re going to do with a couple of kids who’ll be stuck together for the rest of their lives.

  “Simmer down, guys,” the doctor shouts at us. “Whatever the hell you two did, didn’t have a thing to do with this. Now, I’m going to schedule you an appointment with the specialist and by next week you’ll have a plan of action. Okay?”

  We both nod because what the fuck else can we do at this point. And as I look at my wife, I can see she’s never letting me get her pregnant again.

  Well, fuck!

  ANGEL

  Now in my third trimester with the twins who are joined at the abdomen, Benny and I are at an appointment with the specialist who is going to be doing surgery on the babies while they’re still inside me. She says she’s done this type of thing before on a woman in Africa who had the same exact thing happen to her.

  So I ask the specialist as my pale husband looks at me, “Okay, so you’ve seen this before. Can you tell me if the other woman also did this thing where she got her bottom up on a pillow after sex to let the semen essentially sit on top of the eggs?”

  “You just sound ignorant, Angel,” Benny snaps at me.

  We’ve had an ongoing argument about this since we found out and he refuses to take any kind of responsibility for it. But I’m determined to get him to see this is all his fault.

  The specialist laughs a little. “That’s not even physically possible, Mrs. Worthington.” She looks at my chart and then back at me. “It says here that you hold a Master’s Degree in Engineering.”

  I nod and smile. “Yes, I do.” I hold my head up high and look at Benny as I think she’s about to be the first person to finally back me up.

  “Well, then you should know a little about human anatomy, I should think. There is no possible way to get semen to sit on the eggs. They’re in your fallopian tubes until your body releases them. Your body released two, and that’s how this happened.” She looks at me over her glasses and wrinkles her nose. “So, stop trying to blame this man for things which are not under his control.”

  Well, fuck me!

  I look over at Benny and frown, “This one is not about to let me get away with shit, is she?”

  “I like her,” Benny says with a smile. “I like her a lot.”

  I lie back and rest my head on the pillow and look up at the ceiling and try hard not to cry. I want so desperately for this to be someone’s fault. If it isn’t, then it means things are starting to go bad for us.

  Just like I knew they would one day!

  Several other surgeons join us in the small examination room and it feels really stuffy in here all of a sudden. Benny stands by my right shoulder as they pull the open in the front gown away from my huge belly and draw on it with a black sharpie.

  They discuss how I’ll be cut open only a little and how a small camera will be shoved up inside me. The cameraman smiles at me as he says, “Hi, I’m Doctor Larson. You can call me, Shane. I hate formalities. Can I call you, Angel?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  His smile gets even bigger. “I think this is an exciting time in medical history and I’m so glad to be a part of it. Aren’t you?”

  “Not really.” I look away from the idiot so I don’t say anything mean to him. He will have a camera inside me after all. I don’t need him taking pictures of me at any bad angles just to get back at me.

  He just keeps talking even though it’s obvious that I don’t want to have a conversation right now, “I’m going to save all the video so you can see the whole operation when you wake back up. Isn’t that going to be so cool?”

  “The coolest,” I say then Benny takes my hand and picks it up and kisses it.

  He can tell by the tone of my voice that I’m getting more and more upset by the minute. “It’s all going to be okay, my Angel. You’ll see.”

  If it’s all going to be okay, why do I feel so fucking scared?

  BLAZE

  With the complications of the pregnancy, I moved us to New York and we’re staying at my parents’ home until after the twins are born and stable.

  We’re having girls so I get to name them both, per Angel’s permission, of course. But I want her to help me because I think she’s never going to have any more kids.

  This is taking such a toll on her. The girl carries around so much responsibility on her narrow shoulders for anything bad or hard that happens in the lives which surround her.

  Gage and Dana got married last year. She finally let Dana take over as Gage’s fierce protector. But that was only after giving her explicit directions on what it means to be his protector.

  Angel still blames herself for what happened to Gage. No amount of talking can get her to stop. And now she’s blaming herself for the twins and their problems.

  She’s going into surgery today and she’s sitting in our suite with Woody sitting next to her in the large rocking chair I bought her. I can see by the way that she’s holding her jaw so tight that she’s afraid this might be the last time she gets with our son.

  As with any surgery, the doctors had to advise the patient there’s a chance she could die or one or both of the babies, which they call fetuses, could die during or even after the surgery. Angel signed the papers yesterday accepting that fact.

  I’m trying to only think positive thoughts. Angel’s grandmother and my grandfather are going to be at the hospital with me as we wait for her to have the surgery that hopeful will lead to the twins being separated.

  That gives them a better chance at making it through the surgery and leading healthier lives.

  I listen as I hear Angel saying something to our son, “You know, Son, no matter what happens I love you and always will.”

  “I know, Mom. You know what?” he asks as I see him run his little hand over her cheek.

  She shakes her head and runs her hand over his dark hair. He looks so much like her, only a male version. “What, baby?”

  “Everything’s going to be okay. My sisters are tough. I know they are. Because I’m really tough, Mom. Do you ‘member when I fell off the swing and scraped my knees all up and blood was everywhere?”

  She nods. “Yes, I cried, and you didn’t.”

  He nods. “Yeah, you do ‘member. Mom, why did you cry?”

  “I cried because I had bought the swing set and I felt
like I had done that before you were big enough to enjoy it safely. I cried because you got hurt and it was all my fault. And you were so brave with your little bleeding knees and it made me mad at myself for putting you on the swing you weren’t ready for.”

  “Kids get hurt, Mom.” He reaches up and wipes a tear from his mother’s cheek and I try hard not to cry too.

  “I know, Baby, but it’s a mommy’s job to do her best not to let them. You know what I mean. I made a mistake putting that swing set up too soon,” she says then kisses the top of his head. “I’ve made lots of mistakes and I’m sorry, Baby.”

  “Do you think having my baby sisters was a mistake?” he asks her and I can see him searching her eyes.

  She waits a while before she answers him. “Woody, of course not. I think I wanted something too bad, though. I didn’t think about what all could go wrong. And now there will be two little girls in the world who have to undergo life-threatening surgery before they even breathe their first breath. And that’s because I couldn’t manage to keep their bodies apart.”

  “That’s not your fault,” I say in a whisper as I move in behind her. “Things just happen, baby. None of it is your fault or anyone else’s for that matter. Bad things happen, Pumpkin. I thank God we have the money and resources to do the best we can for our babies. What more could anyone ask for?”

  I run my hand over her shoulder and can feel the tension in her body.

  She runs her hand up and rubs it over mine. “I know you’re right. I do.”

  “Woody, give Mommy kisses. I need to get her to the hospital. You’ll stay here with Grammy and Grampy while we’re gone. You can visit Mommy when she wakes up after the surgery, okay Buddy?” I ask as I lift him up and put him down on the floor.

  He nods and wipes his eyes where a few tears have managed to escape the tough little man.

  After I help Angel up, he grabs her around her knees and hugs her tight. “I love you, Mommy. You be good, okay?”

  She runs her hands over his head and the tears start flowing out of her. She can only nod and look at me to help her not to freak the kid out.

  I run my arm around her and she buries her face in my chest. “Mommy will be good and you be good too. I’ll call as soon as she’s awake and your grandparents will bring you down to the hospital.”

  Staying positive is getting harder and harder to do as the time grows closer.

  But I have to be strong for my family. Now more than ever…

  Chapter 9

  ANGEL

  It is funny how no one tells you things might not always go according to plan when bringing life into this world. If this had been part of the plan, then I’d have said, no thank you, to it.

  But I wasn’t given any idea this could happen. Planned or not, I’m getting prepped for surgery. My little babies are all snuggled up, holding each other inside of me.

  The little things aren’t expecting sharp instruments to be cutting through their soft skins and stomachs, separating them merely an hour from now. They’re just a couple of peaceful beings right now whose world is about to be shook up.

  I lie here and I can blame myself forever but it won’t change a damn thing. It won’t change the fact my daughters will be born with scars. It won’t change the fact one or both might not be born at all. And it won’t change the fact that all three of us have a chance of not making it through this surgery.

  The surgery isn’t a necessary thing. This is not a life or death situation. I chose this. It was either to do it in the útero or do it after they’re born or not do it at all.

  The scars will be less visible and they will have less chance of complications if my body and immune system can sustain them after the surgery. So I’m taking the chance to give them theirs.

  I’ve bulked up on my vitamins and made myself as healthy as I can be to help give them the extra boost only I can at this point. So I can kick myself and blame myself but the fact is I have to get a hold of myself and stop doing that.

  I have to be strong and brave for my little girls. And if something does happen to me, then I trust Benny to raise our son without me. I did pick a great man to marry and have a family with.

  I just hope we get to continue on this journey together. And I pray our daughters will both be joining us.

  The nurse leaves after getting me all hooked up to the lines and then I see my husband coming in, followed by my grandmother and his grandfather.

  I smile as big as I can to let my grandmother know I can do this. Her expression is filled with worry and I’m glad that she has her husband to help her through this.

  “Hi, Grams, and Gramps.” I hold out my arms and they both hug me.

  Kisses are placed on each of my cheeks by them then there they are, looking at me like it might be the last time they get to see me. Gram’s bottom lip quivers as she says with a shaky voice, “You stay strong for me, you hear me?”

  I nod. “I’m trying, Grams.”

  “We’ll be right here until you three are alright and safe. I’ll take good care of Benny for you,” she tells me.

  I notice Benny’s grandfather can’t seem to say a word. Which is highly unusual. He kisses my forehead and takes my grandmother’s hand and leads her out of the room.

  Benny sits down on the side of the bed and takes my hand. I run mine over his and his thumb touches the place the needle from the IV goes into my hand.

  I lick my lips and swallow back the lump in my throat. “Benny, if I don’t…”

  He quickly puts his finger to my lips. “Don’t even say it, Angel. You know I’ll take care of Woody. So don’t even say it.”

  “But I want you to know that I’ll be okay if you move on…”

  His mouth stops me from saying another word as he kisses me. He always has known how to make me shut up.

  My mind goes blank with his kiss and suddenly I realize the nurse put something in my IV and everything is going black. He kisses me still and away I go.

  BLAZE

  Sitting in between my grandfather and Angel’s grandmother, I can’t help but think about how far apart he and I were before I met Angel and how she brought me and my family closer than we had ever been.

  If I had never met her, I’d probably be still hating this man who I’ve come to really love. If Angel and I had never, met my life would have been so different.

  I don’t really like to think about such things but with her in such a compromised state, I have to look at things and really appreciate her being in my life.

  She is stubborn and can be a she-devil at times. Then she can also be the sweetest, kindest, and loving person at other times. She’s a paradox of feelings and emotions and I never know what part of Angel I’m going to get at any time.

  Sometimes she’s the rock in the family and other times she’s the drowning chick who’s screaming and calling out for help. Grabbing onto me with a panic that threatens to sink us both. She’s perfect!

  And right now she’s asleep and our babies are being separated from each other. I wonder what they’re thinking. If they can really comprehend anything at all.

  I find myself praying that they’re asleep and as unaware as their mother is, of what’s happening to them. The phone rings in the waiting room we’re in and I jump up to answer it.

  A female voice says, “Hello, Mr. Worthington?”

  “This is him.” I find myself crossing my fingers and hoping for great news.

  “I’m calling to inform you that the surgeons have successfully separated the babies. Their vitals are nearly back to normal. Mrs. Worthington is taking longer to get back to normal. Her blood pressure has spiked.” She clears her throat and my chest gets tight as I wait. “She may have suffered a small stroke with the spike. We won’t be able to do a CT scan until the operation is completed. Once it is, though, she’ll be transported to radiology where that will be done. It means another hour longer than we thought. Someone will call you when that’s done.”

  Then she hangs up and I
stand here in shock.

  “What did they say, Benjamin?” Grandfather asks me.

  “Um, uh, she might have had a stroke,” I mumble then place the phone back down.

  Her grandmother grabs her chest. “What? No!”

  I nod. “Her blood pressure spiked pretty damn high, I guess. They’ll have to do a CT scan once the surgery is finished to find out if she did have one or not.” I have to go to the bathroom.

  I try to walk out of the room but my grandfather gets up and grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me into his arms. “No, you don’t. I’m here for you, Son.”

  His arms are so strong and so comforting and I find I’m crying like a little kid in them. “Grandfather, I can’t live without her.”

  He sways back and forth with me. “I’m sure you won’t have to.”

  “What if something happened to her brain? What if she’s not the same when she wakes up? What if she’s not capable of taking care of the babies? What will I do then?”

  “We’ll get her therapy to get her back on track. That’s all we’ll have to do. You have a family who will jump in and help you both with your children. That’s what families do for each other after all, Benjamin. We’re here for you all.” He pats my back as I sob and cry so much harder than I ever have before.

  Not even when I was little, do I recall crying like this. Then it hits me that I have to be strong for Angel and our kids now. So I suck it up.

  I can fall apart later. Right now they need me to be their rock. I pull out of my grandfather’s arms and pat him on the shoulder. “Thank you, Grandfather. Thank you for being here for me and my family at such a hard time. Thank you for showing me what it means to be the man of the family. Without your influence, I’d have no idea of how to be a man, a husband, or a father.”

  “You’ve become a man I’m proud to call my grandson, Benjamin. No matter what happens, I know you can handle it the best way possible.” He takes my hand and pulls me back to sit down between him and Rebecca.