Ride Free

by Debra Kayn

  A waitress came, and Reefer ordered two cups of coffee, one black and one with sugar. Sarah gazed out the window and sensed Reefer studying her. She swallowed. The ball was in his court; she’d wait for him to open the discussion.

  The waitress returned with their coffee, and, thankful for something to do with her hands, Sarah picked up the cup and held it in both hands. She inhaled the heat. Her mouth softened at the way Reefer appeared to struggle with what to say.

  She set her cup down and placed her hands in her lap. “It won’t get any easier waiting. Just say what you want to tell me, Reefer.”

  He nodded. “I missed you.”

  She bowed her head and blinked back the tears. “I’ve missed you too.”

  Reefer blew out a big breath. He reached across the table for her hand, and without a thought on what a simple touch might do to her, she placed her right hand into his. He ran all his fingers over the back of her knuckles. Her nipples hardened and sent delicious waves of pleasure over her chest.

  “Sarah…” He raised his head and gazed in her eyes. “Why?”

  “I…I don’t understand. Why did I love you? Why did I want to spend the rest of my life with you? What are you asking?” She pulled her hand away and swiped her cheeks free of the tears that leaked out.

  “Why did you keep the secret of who my mother was, and her involvement with getting you into the family?” His eyes narrowed, and he sat back in his chair.

  Sarah shook her head in denial. “I didn’t find out who Ellen is until you sent me back. I thought she was my friend, but…” She inhaled and broke away from the intense stare he gave her.

  “But?”

  She stuck her chin up. “I left immediately and haven’t seen her since.”

  “You had no idea that woman is my mother?” He practically spat the word mother out. “How could that be, huh?”

  “I worked for her for a year, and in that time she became my friend. We talked all the time about gaining freedom on the road, and I learned that she used to belong to a motorcycle family.” She paused. “I met you that morning on the way to my job. I didn’t lie about any of this.”

  “Go on.” He listened without a hint if he believed her or not.

  “Remembering back, I don’t think she realized I’d fallen for her son until the morning you took me over to her house to say goodbye. Do you remember how out of sorts she acted?”

  He shrugged.

  “I left there without a clue about her relationship with you.”

  “There is no relationship. She’s been dead to me for almost thirty years.” He shook his head.

  “Anyway, you can believe what you want. I don’t lie.” She crossed her arms.

  He leaned forward and removed something from his back pocket. He tossed it in the middle of the table.

  “Explain this.”

  She picked up the postcard. “I wrote that when we first started off on our trip. I was going to mail it, but I put it in my bag. I guess I forgot. Why?”

  “Why did you write that you took her advice and that you’d write to her about me later? Unless you planned this together.” His hand formed a fist on top of the table.

  She shook her head. “The advice was to follow my dreams. She knew I always wanted to live life riding around on a motorcycle. She said not to let anything stop me.” She rubbed her temple with two fingers. “When I spoke of telling her about you, it’s because I had fallen in love with you, stupid!”

  “You didn’t know?” He sat forward.

  “No! God, Reefer, if I did, do you think for one second I wouldn’t say something? I had no idea. That’s why, when I found out the truth from Ellen, I left her house immediately.” She grabbed his hand. “I love you.”

  “Aw, damn it, Sarah.” He kissed her hand. “I’ve been an asshole.”

  “Yes, you have.” She paused for a beat before answering. “But you’re my asshole.”

  She needed him more than ever. It didn’t matter if they moved from job to job, or slept in a tent most nights. Love made her rich, and she wanted him back. She’d fallen helplessly in love with the man who saved his smiles for her, and reached for her when he needed someone to lean on.

  He didn’t deserve not knowing his mother loved him more than life, but Sarah was willing to show him how much she loved him for the rest of their life together. “Let’s get out of here, go somewhere, please?”

  “There’s something I need to do first. Alone. Please, understand,” he blew out a breath, “I’ll never be able to move forward without finding out why my mother left.”

  “Will you be okay going by yourself?” She caught her bottom lip between her teeth.

  “I don’t know.” He stood, removed a few bills from his pocket, and tossed them on the table. “It depends on if I survive the truth.”

  ***

  It took him two days to work up the courage to drive by his mother’s house, another day to walk up to the door and knock. He shoved his hands in his pockets to hide the way he balled them into fists. His whole body tightened, and the muscles along his back threatened to snap.

  Minutes rolled by, and he stepped away from the door. He shouldn’t be here. If she wanted to know him, it wouldn’t have taken over three decades to find him. The only reason he came was because of Sarah. She deserves someone better than me.

  He stepped up to the door again and knocked louder. The doorknob turned, and his mother appeared. She sat in a wheelchair, and he tried to recognize the mother he’d known years and years ago.

  “C—come in.” She turned her chair around and used her arms to wheel herself forward.

  He stepped inside and shut the door. She appeared old, fragile, and he hated to admit it, she appeared sad.

  “I never meant for you to find me.” She wheeled her chair around and faced him.

  He snorted. “I imagine.”

  “Have you found Sarah?” She folded her hands in her lap.

  He nodded.

  “I guess you want to know why?” She smiled sadly. “You deserve to know the reason. I was wrong in what I did.”

  He deserved to know a hell of a lot more, but he didn’t come here to argue about how she’d gone about deceiving him and his dad all these years. “I’d like to hear why you left.”

  She nodded. “Your dad…” She smiled. “Gunner loved his motorcycle. I imagine the same way you do now.” She shook her head and swallowed. “Life was really good back then. Your dad began to spend more and more time on the road with the gang. I stayed home and raised you. He’d come home for a week, leave for a week, and it worked for us. We had the best of both worlds that we craved.

  “I started having episodes where my body didn’t cooperate. I’d drop things, have a hard time getting off the floor after putting together a puzzle with you. I stumbled a lot. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right.” Her shoulders shook, and she inhaled.

  “I went to the doctor, and he diagnosed me with multiple sclerosis. He told me that in six months I’d live life in a wheelchair and my bed.” She tapped her fist against the arm of the chair. “It would have killed Gunner to stay home and take care of a crippled wife who would never ride with him again, and knowing that you and your dad had riding in your blood, all I could think about was how miserable I would be making you both.”

  He walked over to the window and gazed outside.

  “Tell me…did you have a good life? Did your dad love you and keep you with the family?” she asked.

  “Yes, I had a good life.” He turned around. “You’re right. Dad took great care of me, taught me that family meant everything, and no matter what, I was supposed to stay with them.” He stared at her, and his upper lip quivered. “Came in real handy when Dad died of a brain tumor when I was sixteen and I became the orphaned kid who relied on a bunch of thrown-together people to raise me.” A bitter laugh escaped. “Thank God for my family.”

  He turned back to the window. His heart raced and he clenched his hands at his sides. He wan
ted to run outside and hurl, to get rid of the anger burning inside of him.

  “Gunner’s dead?”

  He nodded.

  He caught the sob that came from behind him and closed his eyes. Did she have a right to mourn someone she threw away?

  “I had no idea…” She sniffed.

  He turned around again. “There was no way to tell you. Everyone pitched in the money to buy his casket, and my family stood beside me and supported me as I watched the casket get lowered into the ground.

  “Do you want to know what was going through my mind at that moment? The very moment death became real?” He stepped toward her. “All I thought about was it would sure be nice if it was my mom who held my hand, my mom who put her arm around my shoulders, and instead I stood there feeling completely alone.”

  She lifted her face. Tears fell down her cheeks. “Reefer…Son, I have regretted leaving you and your dad every second of every day.”

  He shook his head.

  “No, don’t get me wrong. In my heart, I believe I did the right thing, and I stand by that.” Her chin trembled. “But I apologize for all the hurt I caused in my desire to give you your freedom.”

  He studied his mother, the woman he used to run to and wrap his arms around and call Mom. Her arms hung limp in her lap. Her shoulders drooped from exhaustion. The lines that ran across her face told the story of how much she suffered from her disease and her decisions in life. Yet, he stood before her healthy, in love, and with more people in his family that loved him and guarded his back than the average person.

  “I accept your apology.” He glanced out the window. “Thank you for letting me talk with you.”

  He turned to leave. He’d gotten what he’d come for, and right this minute he wasn’t sure if it helped or not.

  “Reefer, wait!”

  He turned.

  She rolled her wheelchair closer and reached for his hand. He let her grasp it between both of hers, surprised at the strength that came through a body so riddled with muscles that refused to support her.

  “Will I ever see you again?” She held his hand cupped to her cheek.

  His thumb came out to brush at the tear that escaped out of the corner of her eye. He nodded, too afraid to say the words.

  Chapter Twenty

  Sarah ambled out of the community center with a platter of fry bread stacked in a haphazard fashion gripped in her hands. She smiled at the children who skipped alongside her, trying to catch a glimpse of what treats she brought to the ceremony.

  “You guys aren’t hungry, are you?” She held the plate up higher to keep it from getting bumped.

  Their answers came in shrieks and giggles. She stopped and handed two pieces of the large flat bread to the tallest child.

  “You’re in charge. Split it in fair pieces.” She stepped away from the rush of the crowd.

  Allena caught up to her, and Sarah grinned at the down-turned mouth on the elder. “Oh, don’t say anything. I remember a certain lady who snuck me cinnamon sugar cookies when she thought no one watched.”

  “Shh, don’t let the children know that. You’ll ruin my reputation as the mean old lady.” Allena laughed.

  The laughter died away, and Allena bumped her hip against Sarah’s. “You’ve smiled more lately, but you still have the sadness showing up in your eyes.”

  Sarah shrugged. “I suppose. I keep telling myself he’ll come back, but I know he’s suffering.” She shrugged. “I wish there was something I could do for him…”

  “You of all people should understand that it takes a long time to heal from the inside out.” Allena took Sarah’s plate from her and set it on the table. “Sometimes that healing turns us into a person we don’t recognize, and when it’s all said and done, we turn into someone new.”

  Sarah nodded. Her shoulders rose and fell with the breath she forced inside. She kissed the other woman’s cheek and moved off to escape the lines of people coming to the tables to fill their plates.

  Billy Browntail sat on the ground between his proud parents. Her lips curved. Not so long ago she remembered another ceremony, his condition in danger of taking his life, and now, albeit pale and weak, he sat amongst the ones who loved him.

  The drums began a light serenade, signaling for everyone to come and join the circle, eat, dance, and converse with their family. Sarah hung back, a hand pressed to her chest. The memories overwhelmed her.

  The way the drums pounded inside her, rather than her heart beating, reminded her that she lived and breathed. Tears came to her eyes. At one time she’d hop over and join the others who danced. She’d welcome the chance to lose herself in the way her people celebrated, mourned, and prayed.

  A faster-paced rumble joined the drums. Her arm fell, and she closed her eyes. Please don’t be so cruel to tease me this way.

  Afraid to turn around and find the one thing she desired most in the world only a figment of her imagination, she stayed rooted to the spot. Her heartbeat sped up over the drums and the other noise that she tried hard to ignore.

  What if it isn’t Reefer, but another biker who happened onto the reservation?

  Sarah’s shoulders shook, and she gasped at the arrival of more bikes pulling up behind her. The tears she’d held back for so long rushed to the surface and spilled down her cheeks. She refused to turn around. Her body was caught in the middle of breaking apart if it wasn’t The Chromes and Wheels gang arriving, and jumping for joy if it turned out her motorcycle family came back for her.

  Oh, God, Reefer. Please let it be you.

  She covered her face with both hands. Her body trembled, and she fought the wild urge to turn and run.

  “Please. Please. Please. Please…” she mumbled into her hands.

  The gentle pressure of a set of hands circled her wrists and brought her hands away from her face. Her eyes squeezed tight. Stars danced behind her eyelids.

  The seconds ticked away with the beat of the drums. She opened her eyes and absorbed what her mind refused to grasp. Her hands frantically touched his chest, his face, his arms.

  “You’re really here.” Her chin trembled. “Tell me you’re here.”

  “I’m here.” He ran his finger across her chin, down the side of her neck.

  Her eyes drifted closed at his touch. His lips brushed against hers, and she whimpered.

  He’s back. He came back for me.

  Reefer lifted her up off the ground. She wrapped her arms around his neck. Her legs dangled down the front of him. She broke the kiss and smiled.

  “I’m not letting you walk away again. You have to take me with you.” She wrapped her legs around his waist and clung to him, refusing him the chance to turn around and walk out of her life.

  “You won’t find me arguing, Kitten.” He squeezed her ass. “God, I’ve missed you.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” He smiled over her shoulder and placed her back on the ground. “I think a few people want to say hello.” He nodded his head behind her.

  She turned around. Sarah shrieked and flew into Knuckles’ open arms.

  “Oh, I’ve missed you too.” She gave the gang leader a hug around his waist.

  Knuckles kissed the top of her head. “Well, it took a little time for Reefer to get his head screwed on right, but we’re all glad that he did. You’re part of our family for life, girly.”

  She moved from one member to the next, passing out more hugs and kisses than a politician. Her cheeks grew sore from the constant smile, and she gave up wiping the tears of joy from her face. Back with the gang, she realized that peace and hope had returned to her.

  One man stood back from the rest. His hands clasped behind his back, his chin lowered, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. She hurried over, glad to see Crank’s head was no longer bruised and injured.

  She tilted his head down more to check out the scar. “Good, someone took your stitches out. I’ve been worried about that.”

  “Reefer took the
m out, Sarah.” He smiled. “I’m sure glad he finally came for you. I’ve been bugging him… I knew that’s what you’d want me to do.”

  She grinned and gave him a hug. “You’re a good brother, Crank.”

  The others split up, joined the crowd, and worked their way over to shake the hands of Billy Browntail’s family. Sarah wrapped her arms around Reefer and gazed out at the mix of people she claimed as her family. She thought her supply of tears gone, but more found their way out.

  “Aw, Kitten, no more tears, huh?” Reefer wiped her face.

  She smiled. “They’re only happy tears.”

  “What do you say we get your bag and convince the others it’s time to hit the road?” He laughed at the way she squealed.

  She led him to her car parked over by the community house. Her hand never left his. She removed her bag that she’d packed two weeks ago, when Reefer went to talk with Ellen, in the hopes he’d come back. She left the keys in the car, and this time she’d tell the chief to sell it.

  Anxious to go, she ran into the back of Reefer. She lifted her head. Her hand tightened in his.

  Her da stood in their way, his brows pulled down, and the smell of alcohol floated towards them. “I found this, Sari.”

  He held out an old Raggedy Ann doll, soiled, faded, and with a missing leg. She stepped forward. Her hands reached for the toy. She gazed down at the doll. A flashback of holding it a lifetime ago about doubled her over.

  She lifted the threadbare dress and exposed the doll’s belly. She bit down on her lower lip and hugged the child’s toy to her chest. Right where she remembered on the chest of the doll, over its heart, stamped in red ink were the words ‘I love you’.

  “Thank you, Da.” She approached him and kissed him on his weathered cheek.

  He gazed up at her, surprised. “Where is your ma?”

  She swiped her arm across her eyes and searched for Bill. The old chief headed in their direction.

  “Go back to your house, Da.” She covered her mouth and gazed at the sight of her father walking away. Bent over and crippled from the bottle, he walked beside Bill without a glance back at her.