... and Forever

by Sam Crescent

This was the first time she’d done something so selfish, just for her. She wanted to do it again.

  Instead, she did the right thing. Drinking coffee, taking Nathan to school, unpacking.

  “You’re so grown up, Tabitha. You make me so proud.”

  And yet, little by little, she was dying inside. It didn’t stop. The pain, the fear, the anger. It kept on multiplying. She couldn’t get it to stop.

  Finishing off her coffee even as it burned her throat, she stood. “Is there anything else I can get you?”

  The frown was back on the other woman’s face, but she didn’t care. She had to do something. Dwelling only served to make her realize Simon was off killing people rather than getting his shit together, and she was here, alone.

  Nathan might not even be his kid.

  She shook her head, trying to clear the toxic thoughts from her mind.

  “Tabitha, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong. Believe me. I’m fine. Perfectly happy. So, er, I’ve got a lot of stuff to clean away. I wanted it done rather pronto. I’m sorry if I’m seeming in a rush. I want to find a job and provide a little stability for my son.”

  “Oh, a job, well, I was going to ask if you would like to help us out at the shop.”

  Lexie and a great deal of the Chaos Bleeds old ladies had opened up their own fashion line.

  From what she recalled Simon saying, it had been a huge success. Forcing a smile to her lips, she said, “Thank you, I’d like that.”

  Are you fucking crazy? You don’t want that. You want to live your own life and still, you’re being offered.

  It’s the polite thing to do.

  Fucking polite, yeah right. They’re just putting you in a little box. They’re trying to keep you contained.

  “When do you want me to start?”

  “Tabitha, is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine.” She finished washing up her coffee cup and slid the milk right back into the fridge. “Look at that, I’ve got to go shopping as well.”

  “I’m getting the message,” Lexie said, finishing her coffee.

  “No message.”

  “How about I come with you to the store?” Lexie asked.

  No!

  “Great, I’d like that.”

  Why are you lying? Tell her to fuck off and to go look for the son who just left to deal with his shit.

  It’s not Simon’s fault.

  He shouldn’t have shot that piece of shit.

  You wanted him to.

  Shut the fuck up.

  She had to stop speaking to herself in her own mind. It was starting to make her sound like a crazy person and that was never, ever, any good.

  Grabbing her bag from the corner of the kitchen, she slid it across her body and she followed Lexie out of the apartment. After locking the door, they walked toward the elevator. She normally took the stairs, but with Lexie, she took the elevator.

  Standing in the metal box, she stared at the numbers taking her down to the ground floor.

  “You can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?”

  “I certainly do.”

  “We’re all here for you.”

  “I get that. Thank you. I do appreciate it.” She took another deep breath. Come on. Open up.

  “I know this is hard for you. All of the Chaos men are hard.”

  “Simon, right now, is not a Chaos man. He’s not anything. He’s living his own life without a care in the world. I saw the footage, Lexie. He’s living it up.” She pressed her lips together. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re angry.”

  “I’m fine.”

  The elevator doors opened and she quickly stepped out.

  Making it toward the main door, she took a deep breath the moment she hit the air.

  I can do this.

  Why was she struggling now? Why wasn’t she able to keep her shit together? She’d been doing just fine back home. Why was it so hard now?

  Pushing all of those thoughts to one side, she focused on just putting one foot in front of the other. Lexie caught up with her just as her cell phone rang. “I’ve got to take this.”

  She stopped walking and waited.

  “Crap, I’ve got to get to the school. It would seem a bug is going around and well, I’m needed,” Lexie said.

  She forced another smile to her lips.

  “Will you come around for dinner?” Lexie asked.

  “One day soon. I want to get Nathan settled into a routine. This is all new for him and I don’t want to make it harder for him than it has to be.”

  “Of course. I completely understand.”

  Awkwardness again.

  “I better go. Those groceries won’t buy themselves.” Tabitha wanted to kick herself. What the hell was she doing?

  Still, she kept on playing along. Lexie suddenly pulled her in for a hug, holding her tightly.

  “It’s all going to work out one day. You’ll see and there won’t be any more confusion or pain. I promise.”

  Pulling away, she smiled again and headed in the opposite direction. She didn’t have a car and she much preferred to think.

  Yeah, you want to think. Every single thought you have is filled with anger.

  Closing her eyes, she took a couple of steps, came to a stop, and then focused on her breathing.

  In and out. She made sure the air went deep into her body before exhaling it out. After a couple of minutes, she felt better, more grounded.

  She started to move forward. One foot in front of the other.

  From the last time she lived here, she remembered where the grocery store was. She gripped the handles of a cart and made her way inside. Nathan was a weird kid and liked to have a lot of vegetables. She didn’t mind that about him at all, seeing she was supposed to feed him at least five of them. It made cooking food for him easy.

  She picked enough food to feed them for two weeks. Shopping was fun, but she hadn’t suddenly become addicted to food shopping. With everything bagged, she was able to carry it home without too much trouble. Her arms ached but this was the price she paid for a kid and some food.

  One step in front of the other.

  Her thoughts returned to Simon, like they always did.

  Had he slept with other women?

  Other than the date with Niles, she hadn’t been with another man. She hadn’t kissed anyone else.

  Not even been near anyone else.

  Luke had been around and he’d wanted to be a support for her, but like the last time she saw him, she shot him down. She wasn’t about giving men the disbelief they had a chance with her.

  Did it make her a bitch? Probably.

  Did she care? No.

  She wasn’t going to give anyone the false impression of her wanting them.

  Back at her apartment, she put the groceries away and finished with the last of their boxes. With a neat pile near the door, she took a seat and simply stared away.

  All it had taken were two days to move her life from one MC to another. She wasn’t part of Chaos Bleeds, but now, she was in their territory.

  In the last five years, all it had taken were two days. All of her possessions were put away. There was nothing waiting for a home. It was all just neatly organized.

  It’s fine.

  Tears filled her eyes. Putting a hand to her chest, she leaned back on the sofa.

  “I won’t cry. I won’t cry.”

  The one good thing about having a job and a son, she’d been able to keep on moving. To not allow herself these random moments, but now she didn’t have that. Checking the time, she saw she had another three hours before she had to pick up Nathan.

  “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

  The tears didn’t stop.

  Closing her eyes, the first two tears fell.

  The loneliness swarmed around her like a virus infecting every single particle of who she was. This had been her life for so long.

  In her mind, she saw Simon as a kid, the w
ay he came and pushed her. She kicked him back, and she believed that was what started their love. She hadn’t taken his shit and Simon had adored her for it.

  The letters. The phone calls. The memory of hanging out and coloring together. Even when her father and Devil had their fight and nearly tore both clubs apart, she’d seen Simon.

  Lexie and her mother had seen to it.

  They’d been through so much together, but Simon hadn’t stayed when she needed him the most. He’d gone to do his own thing and what was that exactly? Oh, yes, to go and fight. He was getting over killing someone by actually killing more people.

  As she wiped at her eyes, the tears didn’t stop.

  Alone. He’d left her all alone and she’d been fighting that feeling for so long, she didn’t know how to deal with it. Taking a deep breath, she tried not to let it consume her, but with nothing to distract her, she felt it.

  Her cell phone went off. This was a lifeline.

  Checking the caller ID, she saw it was Daisy.

  Accepting the call, she closed her eyes. “Hey.”

  “Tabs, you okay?”

  “The polite way to answer the phone is with a hello,” Tabitha said. “I know, it’s a new thing all the cool kids are using.”

  Daisy chuckled. “Really, is that what people do? I would never have thought it. I guess that makes me a rebel then.”

  “Yeah, a total rebel. What’s up?” Tabitha asked. “Not that I don’t mind your call.”

  “If you must know, I’m missing you. It’s not the same here without you.”

  “I miss you too.”

  “Tabs, are you crying?”

  She touched her cheek. The wetness was still there. “No. Of course not.”

  “You’re a shitty liar, you know? You were bad when we were kids but you’re even more so now.”

  “You wouldn’t have the first clue what you’re talking about,” Tabitha said, smiling. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

  “How are the bruises? We didn’t get a chance to hang out or you tell me what the hell was going on. It must have been a bad date.”

  “You know Miles said the same thing.”

  “He did?”

  “Yep. It wasn’t a bad date.”

  “I don’t know. I have this feeling that if you date someone who owns a bank, he’ll be talking stocks and shares, and boring you all through the meal.”

  “He was a gentleman. He did talk about work, but it wasn’t too boring.” She leaned back. Her face was still bruised. Dropping Nathan off today at school, she’d gotten a couple of weird looks from the mothers.

  She’d been good at ignoring glares and unwanted looks. It was what she did.

  “So, come on, tell me what the fight was all about.”

  Tabitha explained what happened. How they were having a nice walk, talking, and she’d been enjoying herself. The fight had merely called to her, and before she realized she’d volunteered, she was in the mat, and well, the fight had begun.

  Silence met her explanation.

  “Daisy, you still there?”

  “I’m here. I’m wondering, though, if you purposefully went to the fight to have one? You looked more like yourself that night, Tabs. I watched you. I haven’t seen that smile or that fight since high school.”

  “As you know, a lot has happened since then. I’ve had to grow up a lot.”

  “I get that. I guess I just didn’t realize how much you’d changed until I saw what that fight did to you.”

  “It didn’t do anything to me, Daisy. I just, I don’t know what it was I needed, but it gave me something.” Not that it had stuck around for long. She’d been crying in her apartment when she called, but Tabitha kept that little piece of information to herself. No one needed to know what she was thinking or doing.

  “You know I’m here if you need me.”

  “I know.” Everyone was always available if she needed them. It was always the same old story. Forcing another smile to her lips, she realized no one was around for her to pretend to.

  “Look, Daisy, I’ve got to go. I’m settling into the apartment. I want to make Nathan his favorite dinner. Can we take a raincheck and talk about this another time?”

  “Sure, sure. Call me anytime. I’ll pick up.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  She hung up the phone, dropping it against her chest and releasing a breath.

  It’s fine.

  Everything’s going to be fine.

  Tabitha only hoped she took her own advice.

  ****

  “She’s falling apart,” Lexie said.

  Devil sat on the edge of the bed, removing his boots. “I know.”

  “How could they not see it back at home?”

  “It’s not our place to judge.” He put his boots on the mat his wife had put out for him. She hated it when he brought dirt into the bedroom, unless it was the right kind of stuff. He slid his jacket off and placed it on the chair in the corner. His wife’s clothes were already neatly folded.

  “It has only been a few weeks, but I can see she is hurting. I know Eva told me that Tabitha is strong, and I know she’s strong. I can see it. Did you see her face?”

  Devil went toward his wife, cupped her cheeks, and kissed her deeply. “I saw everything.”

  Lexie held on to his shoulders. “We’ve got to do something.”

  “I’ve spoken to Lash and Tiny. They all say she’s a fighter and that allowing her to have her own space will help.”

  “They clearly don’t see what’s happening.”

  “Honey, we don’t know what’s going on.”

  “We have a very good rough idea.” Lexie groaned. “I’m being judgey, aren’t I?”

  “You’re worried. Do you think we need to be concerned about Nathan?”

  “No, she loves her son. I can see it. I’ve, you know, gone and checked on them a few times. She takes him to the park regularly. Of course, they’ve been around town as well.”

  “You’re spying on them?”

  “I don’t have a choice. It’s not like she accepts any invitations I give out,” Lexie said. “Has she even been by the club?”

  Devil shook his head. “No. I heard she got a job at the coffee shop. The new one that just opened at the edge of town.”

  “It’s like she’s trying to get as far away from us as she can.”

  “Can you blame her? She’s here because of Simon,” Devil said. “She’s not here because she wants to be and if the girl has any sense, she’ll be pissed at my son. I know I am.”

  “You can’t be angry at him.”

  “Yeah, I can. I taught him better. Killing that little prick the way he did, it was selfish.”

  “Even after what he did?” Lexie asked. “I don’t want to have this conversation.”

  “You as well as I know that kid had to die. Simon, he wanted it dealt with. He’s smarter than that, and since then, that girl has been alone. She hasn’t had anyone. Sure, her family is there, but we all know the real person she needed couldn’t be found. Now, once again, her life has been changed to accommodate him. It seems to me all she does is help Simon when she can. It has to stop.”

  He looked at his wife as Lexie pulled away. “You mean to tell me that if Tabitha requests it, you’re going to help her get the divorce?”

  “Yes. She’s dying, Lexie. I’ve caused a lot of pain and suffering in my time, but we’ve known her since she was a little girl. I’m not going to allow even my own flesh and blood to continue to taint her world. The moment Simon arrives, if Tabitha asks for it, I will make sure he grants her the freedom she deserves, and I will even take her and Nathan wherever she wants to go, set her up in a new life.”

  “You’re serious about this. Like actually serious.”

  Devil nodded. “I think it’s only right for us. I won’t be responsible nor will I help her die. For five years her life has been put on hold.”

  “Because she’s waiting for our son.”

  “Exactly
. I don’t think it’s right.”

  She laughed. “What if it was you? Would you expect me to move on?”

  Devil went to her, capturing her lips, showing her just who she belonged to. “It’s pretty fucking simple, baby, you belong to me, and there’s no way I would’ve walked away from you. No way at all.”

  “Simon loves her.”

  “And he better hope that Tabitha is willing to stay. I mean it, Lexie. Simon will learn his lesson one way or another.”

  Chapter Six

  Life wasn’t too hard.

  Tabitha cooked, cleaned, took Nathan to school, worked at the coffee shop, and picked him up. They ate breakfast and dinner together. While he showered, she packed his school lunch. If they had time, she’d take him to the park, watching him play. After taking him to school, she’d go to work, then pick him up.

  She’d found a pattern.

  Every now and then, she’d go to the supermarket for groceries.

  Come back home.

  The pattern was the same just with a few variations.

  This made life easy.

  She didn’t have to think.

  Lexie would show up, or Devil. Each time they did, it reminded her of all that she’d lost. Of everything she tried to forget.

  The bruises on her face disappeared. No show for Simon.

  Nothing.

  With Halloween around the corner, Nathan had begged her to go trick or treating and she just couldn’t say no to him. The Chaos Bleeds were having a Halloween party, and Lexie had told her Elizabeth had opted to take all the kids walking the streets in costumes with Josh’s help.

  It was why she was dressed in a black dress, some heavy makeup on, and kissing her son on the cheek and wiping off the residue with her thumb.

  “Mom, please, I’m supposed to be Dracula.”

  “And you look like a very scary Dracula. You don’t suck too much blood tonight, okay?”

  Nathan giggled. “You’re so silly.”

  “Yep, this is what I am.”

  Halloween was proving to be a little bit of a problem for her. She and Simon always found a few moments to talk or be together that night. If he couldn’t make it to Fort Wills, they’d chat over the phone.

  Damn!

  Why was this so hard? It wasn’t like Halloween had been on hold for the past five years. Nope, just this sixth year was clearly cursed and she had to pay the price.