The Way You Are

by Matthew Lang

  “Right. Okay. As long as they know what they’re doing, I suppose.”

  “Leon?”

  “What?”

  “Are we okay?”

  Leon set his jaw. “You’re at work.”

  “That’s not the point,”

  “Isn’t it?” Leon asked. “I should go,” he added, picking up his backpack and heading for the door.

  “Do you want to do dinner tomorrow?”

  Leon paused. “Sorry. I picked up some extra shifts at work, and I’ve got an exam on Tuesday.”

  “Tuesday night, then?”

  “We’ll see.”

  TUESDAY came and went, along with debits and credits, assets and liabilities, and Leon continued to stay close to campus, even allowing Krissy to drag him to the university swimming pool despite the chlorine content.

  “Don’t you hate having to shower twice to get the smell off your skin?” he asked.

  “I can shower twice and be back at work in less time than it takes to get to the beach,” Krissy said with a shrug. “Things are getting interesting. There’s a lot of buzz about Rook’s trial around the office.”

  “Rook’s not on trial. He’s the victim!”

  Krissy waved a hand at him and leaned back into the comfy chair, her free hand clutching her cappuccino mug. “You know what I mean. The guys who assaulted him. We don’t have the case, but now that he’s awake….”

  “He is? Oh right, yeah. He is. It was in the paper.”

  “Leon,” Krissy said, affecting her serious tone, “you haven’t left the house recently unless it was for work, exams, food, or me dragging you swimming.”

  “Oh, I can see where this is going.”

  “Good,” Krissy said. “So I don’t need to say that I know about Warrick?”

  “Well, you didn’t have to, but you just did.”

  “He’s been calling.”

  Leon shrugged, cradling his tall glass of iced chocolate in both hands. “I put a call blocker app on my phone. I really wouldn’t know.”

  “Yeah. He’s been calling me.”

  “Then tell him politely to fuck off.”

  “Chickadee, did you ever think—”

  “No.”

  “Right, clearly,” Krissy said, slapping her hand down on her vibrating phone. “Oh look, I have an exam. See you on the other side.”

  “Okay.”

  “Leon,” Krissy said seriously as she stood up. “Leon, look at me.”

  Slowly he lifted his gaze to meet hers. “What?”

  “You need to work out what you really want from all this. Because you’re sucky company when you’re moping.”

  “I am not moping.”

  “Right, you’re just addicted to World of Warcraft again.”

  “It’s not an addiction. It’s a socially acceptable pastime.”

  “Leon, you were swearing for five hours because you couldn’t unlock the trampoline achievement. And you know that coding is random.”

  “What’s your point?”

  Krissy grinned brightly. “Our Internet usage is about to be shaped{12}, and you’re going to get hit with massive lag issues. I figure you’ve got about two hours of game time left until our downloads reset on the twenty-fifth.” Turning, she walked out of the café before he could formulate a suitably outraged response. Using the long-handled teaspoon to extract the last of the ice cream from the bottom of his glass, he licked it clean, feeling the tang of chocolate syrup{13} coating his tongue. Usually after exams he felt a sense of relief and took at least a day—sometimes up to three—to unwind before hitting the books again for the next one. Only this time, it wasn’t the same. Possibly this was because the next exam he had scheduled was econometrics, which appeared to be statistics renamed by someone who wanted it to sound nonmathematical, but he was also honest enough with himself to admit that it wasn’t just exam stress. Putting the glass back on the counter{14}, he headed for the bus stop and the bus that would take him back to John Hunter Hospital.

  IN 14B, the sounds of daytime television filled the room, and in the far corner, several empty jelly cups lay on the rolling table, next to a stack of unopened ones. “You’re up,” he said, walking over to the young man who was now sitting propped against a mound of pillows.

  The smile on Rook’s face was the first expression Leon had seen in over a month, and the honest sincerity in Rook’s blue eyes released some of the tension that had been locked into his body. “Leon! Man, I’m glad to see you.”

  “You are?”

  Rook’s smile faltered. “Of course I am. When I woke up and you weren’t here, I thought maybe you didn’t—and I saw the candle, and I know I should have trusted you just had exams, but my brain’s been so scrambled, and I don’t remember everything and—oh crap,” he said as one gesticulating arm knocked some of the jelly cups onto the floor.

  “I’ll get those,” Leon said, walking around the bed and dropping his backpack next to the poo-brown chair.

  “Thanks,” Rook said, as Leon threw the empties into the bin and picked up the unopened cups.

  “You have something against apple?”

  “What?” Rook asked, pushing his fringe out of his eyes as Leon stood up and placed the cups back on the rolling table.

  “Apple,” Leon said, poking at a jelly cup. “You’ve eaten all the raspberry and none of the apple.”

  “You mean I’ve eaten the red and none of the green,” Rook said. “I found out I don’t like the green two days ago.”

  “It’s apple.”

  “No. I don’t remember everything, but I know that’s not apple. I like apple.”

  “You don’t remember everything?” Leon asked.

  Rook shook his head, his face falling. “No. I remember how to do things and some bits and pieces from my studies, but I don’t remember everything. And then when you weren’t here for days—did we have a fight?”

  “A fight? No! Why would we have a fight?”

  “I don’t know. I just thought…. Never mind.” Rook smiled and turned so he was facing Leon more directly. “Can I get a kiss now?”

  Leon froze. “What?”

  “A kiss. I brushed my teeth and everything. Well….” Rook flushed. “All right, I had help, but that’s not the point.”

  “A-and what is the point?” Leon asked warily.

  “That I’m not so delicate that I wouldn’t want a kiss from my boyfriend.”

  Leon pushed away from the table, hands spread before him. “Ah, Rook….”

  “What? We did fight? But you said we didn’t. Are you breaking up with me?” Rook asked, his face falling. “The nurse yesterday said I’d been out for six weeks, but I’m still the same guy I was before I went in here.”

  Leon swallowed. “Rook, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re not—”

  “Okay, so I’m in hospital, but I’ll get better. I can’t believe you’re—”

  “Not gay,” Leon pushed on.

  “What? Of course I am!”

  “And I’m not your boyfriend. We’re not even friends, really.”

  “But you’re Leon,” Rook objected. “Your family is from Singleton, you wish you lived in Sydney, love Oxford Street, think Star Trek is a guilty pleasure, and you’re studying business management and think the only good thing about the Wolverine movie was Hugh Jackman naked.”

  “Well, yes, but—”

  “You think kissing is an integral part of sex, your favorite food is Korean, but never here because it’s not authentic, and you worry that you’re too skinny.”

  “And where did we meet, then?” Leon asked.

  Rook’s eyes closed. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I can’t remember everything. I know I study here. I know my parents are in Western Australia, but I don’t know what they look like. I can’t remember much of my life before now at all, but I know you,” Rook said. “Now how is it that you’re the only thing I remember if you’re not important to me?”

  “I don’t know,” Leon
said. “Maybe because I’ve been coming here and talking at you for a while?”

  Rook closed his eyes. “And why would a complete stranger do that?” he asked, his voice so soft Leon almost didn’t hear the question.

  “To say ‘thanks’ initially,” Leon said. “But then Warrick said you didn’t have many visitors and that talking to coma patients could help them recover and—I just didn’t think you should be alone.”

  “So I’m what? A pity fuck?”

  “We’ve never fucked,” Leon said with a cough.

  “You know what I mean,” Rook said testily.

  “You’re not a pity anything,” Leon said. “I just don’t understand why your friends haven’t visited you. You did a really great thing and… I didn’t want you to be alone.”

  “And what did I do, exactly? No one will tell me anything. They just say ‘it’ll come back’.”

  “You, uh, stood up to three homophobic assholes and got, well, put in here,” Leon said. “A-and you didn’t have to.”

  “Yes I did.”

  “No, you didn’t. That’s the point: you’re straight. All you had to do was tell them that and—”

  “I had to do it,” Rook said firmly. “That’s not right, and I won’t stand for it.”

  “You didn’t.”

  “Damn right I didn’t.”

  “I thought you didn’t remember.”

  “I don’t. But I’m damn glad I didn’t. That’s important.” Rook shrugged. “Maybe I was just closeted and this is a chance to be really me. Don’t throw away the presents life gives you before looking at them, at least. That’s what I always say.”

  “You do?”

  Rook paused. “Yeah, I think I do. I know it’s easier to say ‘Always look on the bright side,’ but I wanted something original to say when I was a kid and came up with that clunker.”

  Leon smiled. “Okay, but I don’t think you were a closet case. Everything I’ve heard about you is that you were very supportive of gay rights, but you weren’t gay. I hear you even went to Mardi Gras this year. I don’t see why you wouldn’t come out if you were gay.”

  “Then why do I feel like I’m losing the most important thing in my life right now?” Rook asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you single?”

  “Um, it’s complicated,” Leon said awkwardly.

  “But maybe?”

  “Rook, if you weren’t gay before, why would you be gay now? Maybe you’re just confused with the whole… amnesia and all.”

  “Do you have any idea how offensive that is?”

  Leon sighed. “Yes, but that doesn’t stop it from being possible. I’ve never heard of anyone’s sexuality changing after injury.”

  “Actually it’s a rare but known phenomenon that’s been documented since at least the 1980s,” Rook said. “Wait—how do I know that?”

  “Maybe from your studies? You’re a physio, right?”

  “I am? Wait—yes, I am! I know that. Hey, I remember stuff. I remember….”

  “Yes?”

  “Sitting in my underwear on day one thinking I needed to bulk up fast if that was what the rest of the course was going to be like.”

  Leon smiled. “So the rest of your memory could come back. And you could remember that you’re straight.”

  “Or that I was and might not be anymore,” Rook said, his tone hopeful.

  There was a polite cough, and both Rook and Leon looked up to see Warrick standing awkwardly at the edge of Rook’s partition. “The, ah, the police want to chat with you again, Travis.”

  “I should probably go,” Leon said. “I’ll, uh, check in later.”

  Rook’s eyes narrowed. “Promise?”

  Leon smiled a little awkwardly. “Promise.”

  Warrick was quiet as they left the room. “Krissy said you blocked my number.”

  Leon nodded. “I figured that should be enough of a hint.”

  “Leon, we’ve had two other cases of homophobic violence come in over the last three weeks. I just want to make sure that we’re both safe.”

  “I thought this was all about what I can and can’t do at your workplace.”

  “Well, it is my workplace, and as much as I like having you here, I’m being threatened with termination if I’m seen in a compromising position again, and if I—this is my only way out, Leon.”

  “And that means I’m not ‘allowed’ to be here?”

  “Okay, why am I hearing inverted commas around that word there?”

  “Since when did you get to decide what I can and can’t do, Warrick?”

  “What?”

  “I can’t come around anymore, I should leave this place alone. You know, you don’t own me.”

  “I know. It’s just—”

  “Just?”

  “A bad choice of words?” Warrick suggested, leaning up against the robin’s-egg-blue-and-white wall. “I’m used to dealing with my brothers and sisters, okay? After my dad ran out on us, I had to help Mum set all the boundaries for them, and I guess the word choices stuck.”

  “And if I was your kid brother, you and me would really be illegal,” Leon said.

  “Ha! Yeah, it would be. Okay, I take the point. I really didn’t mean to dictate or restrict your movements. I just need you to understand that I’m going to have to keep my hands and all other body parts away from you while I’m here.”

  “I can deal with that.”

  “And I probably can’t keep taking coffee breaks with you.”

  “What?”

  “You know why.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Fair doesn’t really come into it, Leon.”

  “I know. I just don’t have to like it.”

  “Me either,” Warrick said. “So are we good?”

  “I don’t know, Warrick. I spent the last three years fighting my parents to make sure I could be who I am and want to be.”

  Warrick stepped closer. “I get that. I do. And I really like who you are, and I’m sorry if it felt like I was asking you to change, because I’m not. All right?”

  “You’re, uh, standing really close,” Leon said, looking up into Warrick’s eyes. “Really close.”

  “Yeah, um, sorry,” Warrick said, stepping back. “I’ve just—I missed you.”

  “It hasn’t been that long, Warrick.”

  “And that means I’m not allowed to miss you?”

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I’m just—I should get back to work. Talk to you later?”

  “Warrick?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Rook thinks he’s my boyfriend.”

  “But Rook’s straight.”

  Leon sighed. “Maybe not anymore.”

  “Wait—let me get this right,” Warrick said. “Rook’s lost his memory, thinks he’s gay, and that you’re his boyfriend?”

  Leon nodded. “That’s about it, yes.”

  “So, I mess up and all of a sudden you’re with a straight guy?”

  Leon recoiled slightly at Warrick’s vehemence. “No. Should I be?”

  “How can you say that?”

  “How can you?”

  “What?”

  “Either you trust me or you don’t, Warrick, and clearly you don’t.”

  “I do trust you, Leon.”

  “Just not with another man. I get it. I get it.” Taking a shuddering breath, Leon picked up his bag and turned away. “If you ever decide to treat me like a grown-up, you let me know.”

  Heavy footsteps sounded behind him, and a hand landed on his shoulder. “Leon!”

  “Don’t touch me.”

  The hand dropped. “But—”

  “You’re at work, after all.”

  The sound of a throat clearing made them both turn around to see a dark-haired woman in blue scrubs. “Yes, he is,” she said, walking up and thrusting a file into Warrick’s hands. “You’re needed in ICU, Warrick. Don’t let admin catch you having a domestic, no matter how cute he is.�
��

  “Yeah, work,” Leon said. “Go. I’ll be fine.”

  “This isn’t over, Leon.”

  “Really? Because I thought it was,” Leon said, starting off down the corridor.

  “Leon!”

  “Hey, weren’t you needed in ICU?”

  Warrick didn’t reply, and shortly after, Leon heard his slow footsteps heading off in the opposite direction. Ignoring the tears welling in his eyes, he headed back toward the main elevators and back toward his study of statistics.

  HE DIDN’T make it back to the hospital until Friday, creeping furtively into Rook’s room just before noon. Rook was lying with his leg elevated while he flipped through daytime television.

  “You should, ah, get a book or something,” Leon said by way of greeting.

  “I know,” Rook said with a sigh. “But I have no idea what sort of books I like.”

  Leon chuckled. “That could be a problem, I guess.” He looked around the corner of the room, which was now much less spartan, if nearly as empty as before. “This place looks like it’s had a few parties. Where’d everyone go?”

  “Don’t know,” Rook shrugged. “A lot of people came through, and I didn’t remember any of them. It was like speed dating with people I didn’t really like and don’t see how I could have liked them.”

  “Sounds… frustrating,” Leon said.

  “You haven’t been by in a while.”

  “Had my last exam,” Leon said, dragging the chair around so he could see the screen that was suspended from the ceiling. “And, ah, Warrick and I stopped being Warrick and I.”

  Rook stared at him for a long moment before lifting his left arm. “Come here.”

  Smiling despite himself, Leon leaned into Rook’s hug. Rook smelled surprisingly good. Warm and masculine, unmarred by stale sweat or the cloying notes of artificial deodorants.

  Even as he breathed in Rook’s scent, Leon felt the other man kiss the top of his head. “It’s okay,” Rook murmured.

  Leon sighed. “No, it’s not.”

  “Okay, it’s not,” Rook said. “Sorry. I just wish I could help you feel better.”

  Leon grinned into Rook’s neck. “Me too.”

  “Thanks. You know, I think you’re the only friend I have right now.”

  “You have friends.”