Pure Will

by Kristi Pelton

  “If I’m there…maybe you won’t get hurt. If I’m with you, maybe I can prevent something from happening. Last night, when Rowan called me and said you needed me, there was this feeling of grief that overwhelmed me. What if I couldn’t get to you fast enough? What if something happened to you?”

  Her palm caressed my face.

  “Will. I’m here. I’m ok.”

  I kissed her lips tenderly and moved back to our seat where I pulled her onto my lap again.

  “I’m worried what I’m going to say could scare you but I need you to know. I know it’s only been a little over two months but…I…need you. And I survived Matty but I’m not so sure I would survive losing you.”

  The floodgates had opened and her tears flowed freely. She rested her forehead on my chin then finally looked up at me. Had I frightened her away?

  “You will never lose me. I promise.”

  And with those words, I held onto her as if our lives depended on it and I closed my eyes.

  CHAPTER—CAM

  When my phone buzzed, I didn’t recognize the number. I opened the text.

  How would you like to go shopping today? Maybe lunch?

  Shopping and lunch? Who was this?

  I’m sorry. Who is this? send

  I sat, waiting.

  This is Will’s mom. Abby

  She wants to go shopping with me? What would we say? What would we talk about? I’d never done this sort of thing. Tracy was the closest thing to a mother I’d ever had and she hated me.

  OK. When? send

  I made a meal out of my thumb nail as I waited for the return text. Three long minutes passed.

  Will this Saturday work? The day is planned out if you’ll join me.

  Saturday. Will didn’t have a competition. I couldn’t think of any excuse to stop me from going and dreaming of having a mother just for a day.

  That sounds perfect. send

  When Saturday rolled around, Ms. Denton picked me up at 9:00 at Will’s. She looked radiantly beautiful, and Will stood and waved at us with a knowing smile on his face. As we drove away, he literally clutched his chest. What the hell was that about?

  We started off with a stop at a coffee shop, which meant conversation but she was casually sweet and managed to openly talk about her life and mistakes. She made me feel so at ease and welcome. From there we headed to Mass Street to shop. We went in and out of stores, and twice, she insisted on buying me something. She wasn’t forceful but found ‘the cutest’ dress and a ‘Will will just love this’ shirt. I’d never had someone buy me things like that, and she made me feel special… wanted…a part of them. So in turn, I found Will a shirt and couldn’t wait to give it to him.

  Then we made our way into a quaint little shop called SWEET. It was baking supplies and stuff. They had the cutest little knick knacks and dip mixes so I bought more things for Will thinking he would like them. This shopping thing was more fun than I expected.

  After that, she drove me to a nail place where we sat through pedicures and manicures. I’d never had a manicure, so this was completely new to me. She would mention Matty in stories as if he were still alive and I wondered if this was her way of coping…or denial. I couldn’t imagine losing a child.

  Then the conversation turned to Will and my anxiety grew. This was now her only child and I’m sure she was fiercely protective of him. Both of our feet were being rubbed, so at least we weren’t face to face.

  “Will is pretty private. Would you be willing to tell me how the two of you met?” she asked tenderly.

  Perfect story! Not…he was having sex with my roommate.

  I smiled at her. “Well, oddly enough, he was seeing my roommate.”

  Her brow furrowed, and I tried to measure her response. God I didn’t want to disappoint her.

  “Did I say something wrong?”

  “Oh no honey. That just surprises me. Will would not cheat on a girl. I know that.”

  I shook my head. “Well, they weren’t really…exclusive, I guess. Just saw each other on occasion.”

  She laughed out loud. “I get the picture. They were hooking up as you all would say.”

  Heat flushed over my face and I just smiled.

  “Now that would have been more like Will.”

  I wanted to shout that we hadn’t had sex!

  “Wait,” she said. “That didn’t come out right. Will has never brought a girl home. I don’t know if he told you that. But, you must be pretty special to him.”

  The guy who was now painting my toes grinned at me.

  “Yes he told me that. He is very private. The day we were at the…your husband’s place…or his old place.” I was stuttering. She patted my hand.

  “Honey, don’t be nervous.”

  “I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I really like your son and I want you to like me. My mother died a while ago and…”

  “Cam. Will told us. He’s told us enough about you that we know he’s crazy about you. I interrupted you, please finish.”

  My heart was doing loopty loos knowing that he told his parents he was crazy about me.

  “All I was saying is—that day—was the first time he shared part of him with me. Matty came later. He’s still very guarded about that. But we’ve only been together two months.”

  “Honey. Matty and William were best friends. William fiercely protected him. One time, Will shouted out Matty’s lines from the audience during Matty’s 5th grade play,” she giggled. “But then, Will was also suspended three times during high school. Each time defending Matthew for something. Matthew was smaller than Will. Lived in his shadow. Will hated that and fought hard to make sure Matty stood out on his own. He’s protected him since he was born. William feels as if he failed. He feels like he could have prevented it. The one time Matty needed him and he wasn’t there. This past year has been a very dark year,” her voice cracked.

  I reached for her hand and a lone tear trailed down her cheek.

  “William needs you. He needs to heal. He needs to love.”

  Her eyes met mine and all I had to offer was a smile.

  “Cam. William has been lost, and for whatever reason, you’ve given him a purpose. I thank you for that. I don’t know what will happen between the two of you but I would love to do this again. I don’t have a daughter to do this sort of thing with and well…your mother can’t do this with you, so maybe we could help each other.”

  She said it where it sounded like a question, but I couldn’t contain the smile that spread ear to ear on my face.

  “I would like that…very much. I’ve never had a day like today.”

  She handed her credit card to the guy who had just finished her toes.

  “Well then we will do it again soon. Deal?”

  “Deal!” I smiled.

  Spending the day with Abby was like spending the day with my mom. Several times, I wanted to hug her for no reason, and she truly seemed to be enjoying me too. When she dropped me off at my apartment, she squeezed my hand and we promised we would do it again. After she left, a sadness settled over me…I needed her too and that scared me. Now that I was back in my apartment, I felt even lonelier than ever.

  I lay in bed that night thinking about Will…thinking about his family. I still hadn’t said I love you but I knew I did. I loved Will and I loved what and who he brought to my life.

  I had told Max I loved him but he’d met me with silence. I realized now that what I felt for Max at the time was not love. This relationship was unequivocally healthier, stronger and…felt like what real love would feel like. So many times Will and I had stared into each other’s eyes and if I stuck out my tongue, he would have seen the words right on the tip, but something held me back. I didn’t want that barrier anymore. I loved Will Denton and I needed him to know that, so I shagged my butt out of bed and, in my pajamas, got into my car and headed to his house.

  It was only after 10 so I figured he’d be up, but felt a little strange walking in to the garage with the sil
ver Ford Raptor sitting out front. It meant company. I hesitated at first, whether to knock or not, but he’d gotten frustrated so many times before when I didn’t just come in so…I went in.

  No matter my mission for coming there, seeing him holding another girl in his arms was the last thing I’d ever expected. I froze. I stopped walking. I stopped breathing. No! No! No! No! This wasn’t happening. He liked me.

  Her curly brown hair layered down her back and her forehead resting against his chest, was like a punch to mine. You know on TV when cars are crash tested and the dummies inside the car go flying up against the windshield…that’s what I felt like just happened to me. I felt as if my entire body smashed into a wall. Except every piece of me was intact excluding my heart. It had been ripped in two. I felt dead.

  The beautiful, tan girl’s eyes opened making contact with mine holding confusion and questions. I managed to spin on my heels and run, leaving the house I knew I’d never come back too. Some of my things were still there. My keys were still in my car. I got in, started the car, backed out of the drive and tore down the street. My hands were shaking so badly…all of me was. There was only one thing I was certain of…I wasn’t going home. I couldn’t let Kate see me like this. I glanced in the rear-view mirror; the little bit of mascara I wore today with Will’s mom was beneath my eyes like a raccoon mask.

  My phone rang from my shotgun seat. It was Will. I didn’t answer. The girl had said something to him. Think Camden! Where are you going? Ham. I was going to Ham’s.

  The athletes’ dorm was the smelliest of dorms, which is one of the reasons we went to my place or the library or the training center to tutor. I texted Ham and he met me at the door.

  “What’s wrong?” he said the moment he saw my face.

  I shook my head. “I just need a place to stay for a bit.”

  He opened the door all the way allowing me entry. “What happened, Cam?” He asked as we walked to the elevator.

  “Ham, please.”

  We stepped off the elevator after riding the two floors up.

  “I swear to God Cam…” he gritted.

  I placed my hand over his chest. “Don’t. Not right now.”

  His dorm was fairly picked up but he tossed some shoes away from the sofa so I could sit. My phone was buzzing non-stop in my purse, and I didn’t have to look at it to know who it was.

  A feeling of nausea swarmed over me as I thought of not having Will in my life. As tears streaked my cheeks, Ham sat down next to me draping his arm over my shoulder.

  “Cam. I’ve never seen you cry. Tell me what’s wrong?”

  The ability to form words had left me and I only sobbed, but Ham did his best at holding me against his chest.

  “Ham. What’s your real name?” I asked between breaths.

  He chuckled. “Don’t laugh or I’ll kick your skinny ass, but it’s Harold.”

  I glanced up at him and smiled. “Harold’s an ok name,” I whispered.

  And the moment our eyes met, I knew he still had feelings. His eyes sparkled and hooded just a bit. His tongue peeked out moistening his lips and I pushed away. This was a mistake. Seriously, going in for a kiss when I’m bawling my ass off?

  “Ham. I can’t.”

  He raised his hands to his hair and laced his fingers behind his head.

  “Damn it Cam. I’m sorry. I’m crazy about you. I wouldn’t hurt you.”

  Now I felt shittier than when I came. I knew Ham cared for me.

  “Ham. I’m sorry. I love him. I don’t mean to hurt you, I swear.”

  He stood and walked over to my bag, retrieving my phone.

  “If you love him Cam, and there is a possibility that he loves you, you should answer this,” he said handing me my phone. The phone vibrated in his hand, and a shirtless Will appeared on the screen. “Clear up whatever happened. Guys fuck up. Forgive him.”

  After I hit decline on the phone, I stared up at him. “He was with another girl,” I literally croaked as I spoke.

  He shook his head. “I’m sorry. Guys are dicks.”

  My phone rang again. Kate. Will had called Kate, I had a feeling.

  Ham jerked my phone away and pushed the answer button.

  “She’s here with me Kate,” he said then looked at the screen. “Kate?” He shrugged. “I missed her. You should call her back.”

  I took the phone back, nodded then fell backward on the sofa. I felt like the dumbest person in the world. Trusting so quickly. Believing in him. I covered my face when the tears came again. I WAS GOING TO TELL HIM I LOVED HIM!!! Ham lifted my head and slid beneath me.

  “I could kick his ass.”

  This induced a small chuckle from me.

  “I just need time to think.” There wasn’t much my father had taught me outside of baseball, but he did use to say, ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater.” And this kept chanting through my mind. Trusting him ever again would be impossible. And to think his mother had just said that he wouldn’t cheat. Obviously she didn’t know him that well either!

  Ham leaned down and kissed my forehead then slid out from under me.

  “Want a beer while you think?” he asked.

  I shook my head and curled up on my side, the ever-flowing tears refusing to cease. Being a ginger, my face was paler than most but I didn’t have the crazy freckles. What I did have…was a splotchy red face when I cried and there was absolutely nothing cute about it. My nose was completely plugged up and I couldn’t breathe. So I sat with my mouth open…

  “Ham. Do you have a Kleenex?”

  He left the room, and I bolted upright when someone nearly beat the door down. Ham came back in with wadded toilet paper and handed it to me.

  “There better be a damn good reason someone is beating the shit out of my door!” Ham yelled stomping toward the door.

  “Camden! Open the door! I know you’re in there!” Will shouted from the other side of the wood.

  At the same time Ham reached for the knob, I frantically shook my head. “No Ham!” I forced into a loud whisper, wincing at how loud it was.

  What the hell was he doing here? How did he know where I was? I wasn’t prepared to see him yet. My face…OH MY GOD! My Face.

  “She’s not here. Now leave us alone!” Ham yelled.

  I stared at Ham with raised brows. A. I’m pretty sure Will heard me. B. Ham just said us! I covered my face with my hands.

  “Open the door fucktard. You just said us. You clearly need a tutor. Now open the damn door.”

  A look of confusion shot across Ham’s face. “What?” he asked looking at me. He hadn’t gotten the point of what Will said. I was glad for that at least. Will was being mean. I didn’t know a mean Will.

  “Cam. I swear to God. You have three seconds or I’m ripping this door from its hinges.”

  I exploded to my feet. Suddenly, I had no doubt that he would do it. Quickly I stole a glance at myself in a Miller Light mirrored wall hanging. SHIT! I literally resembled a severely sunburned albino.

  “One!”

  Ham held up his hand to me. “I’ll take care of this.”

  “Two!”

  Shit! Shit! Shit!

  Ham opened the door. His body hid me from view.

  “Get out of my way, Ham. My issue is not with you. Yet.”

  Ham didn’t move.

  “Since you’ve been sticking your dick in the wrong place, she doesn’t want you anymore.”

  I heard Will growl…like literally; he sounded part animal. Oh dear God.

  “Ham, the only place my dick has been is in your mother. Now get the fuck out of the way.”

  It was at that moment that I darted between them. Ham trying to grab Will, and Will grabbing me crushing my body to his chest with only one arm. He effortlessly lifted me around my waist and began back-stepping from Ham.

  “I’m sorry about the remark about your mother,” Will spoke. “I got what I came here for.”

  I couldn’t see Ham because my cheek was flattened against Will’
s chest.

  “Will. I’ll tell you right now, I’m crazy about her. You get this one free ride for hurting her. There will never be another.”

  “Indeed there won’t be,” Will said.

  “I’m serious. Do you know what Ham stands for?”

  Will was now a good distance down the hall because Ham was nearly shouting.

  “It stands for Hard as a mother fucker! Remember that asshole.”

  Will’s chest rumbled…with laughter. “Wouldn’t that be Hamf then?”

  I pinched Will. “Don’t, you will confuse him,” I scolded coldly.

  And as predicted, Ham said, “huh?” as the elevator dinged.

  Chapter—Will

  The minute the elevator door closed, I shoved her up against the wall of the cube and pressed my mouth to hers. The last 45 minutes had been run a close second to the worst of my life. I’m sure Kate’s mouth was still hanging wide open from when I bust through the door, jacked her phone and called Cam. Hearing Ham answer her phone shot me into full-on possessive, angry, raging, protective creeper mode.

  She was refusing my kisses. I hated forcing myself, so I gently pecked her lips then drew back to look into her eyes and explain. But when I saw her swollen eyes and reddened nose, my heart crumpled into a million little pieces. The beat my heart found was completely out of whack, and it was as if the earth came off its axis.

  Death would possibly be easier than the hurt reflected on her face. What had I done? I so so needed to tell her before now. I’d been neglectful. To be honest, I was hoping their paths would never cross.

  She started to fight me…physically struggle with me. There was no doubt I could easily restrain her but I wouldn’t. I’d even allow her to hit me. I deserved it. But she didn’t. She only wanted out of my arms, then walked from the elevator when it pinged and the door opened. I kept pace behind her.