Fantasy Online Polynya

by Harmon Cooper

HP: 240/240

  MANA: 201/201

  ATK: 17

  MATK: 56

  DEF: 22

  MDF: 49

  LUCK: 2

  Dark Elf Warrior Level 10

  HP: 355/355

  ATK: 147

  MATK: 12

  DEF: 96

  MDF: 40

  LUCK: 3

  “Spew Gorge!?” Hiccup cries from the shadows. “What the fick are you doing on their side?”

  The enemy goblin does a double take. “Hiccup?”

  “Fick yeah it’s me. Getchur ass over here and I’ll give you a cut of the winnings!”

  As he keeps his marble gun trained on the female mage, Ryuk tries to place where he’s heard the name Spew Gorge before. Wasn’t he Hiccup’s cousin who lost his chalupa in a game of Natty Dread?

  Ryuk suddenly feels stupid for even pondering such a question.

  As if to confirm Ryuk’s thought, Hiccup asks, “How’s your chalupa holding up, Spewy?”

  “Don’t you talk about my chalupa, you fickin’ fick-faced fickboy!” the goblin barks.

  “Fickboy? I’m older than you, Spewy, by at least fifty years. That’s fickman, you little bitch-titted ficktard and another thing … ” Hiccup grunts and lets loose a string of fick-laced cursing the likes of which Ryuk has never heard before. Finally he pauses, takes a deep breath, clears his throat, and shouts, “The goblin is mine!”

  Spew Gorge charges, and the two solid slabs of grade D goblin meat collide.

  They bite, they pinch, they scratch, they scrape, they scream like sissies, they seethe, they claw at each other's eyes as they roll around, kicking up dirt and debris, knocking over anything they happen to roll into.

  -49 HP!

  Using the goblin melee as a distraction, Ryuk cuts the female Mind Mage down with a black marble. She crawls towards a stack of barrels as magic ripples up and down her arms. Before Ryuk can ignite the crates, a giant brawler made of smoke hops out onto the cobblestone street. He flexes, drops to a runner’s stance, and takes off.

  Shit! Ryuk hightails it, knowing full well that he won’t be able to go toe-to-toe with the Mind Mage’s magic. He skids to a halt and crouches behind a barrel.

  The clink and clank of swords meet his ears as Zaena takes on the Dark Elf Warrior. A quick glance to the northeast and Ryuk sees that the warrior elf has conjured a large purple sword rimmed with bubbling energy. Zaena holds her own, spinning and slicing, the dim lights of the city reflecting off her shiny blades.

  He turns his marble gun on the smoky brawler and the whispery behemoth made from gray and black tendrils of oily smoke disappears completely.

  Ryuk turns left, right – nothing.

  All he can see now is Zaena battling the elf while Hiccup and Spew Gorge continue their violent family reunion.

  KO! -100 HP!

  Ryuk’s vision is suddenly waxy.

  He knows he’s hit the ground; he can see the towering brawler made of smoke looming over him.

  He tries to go for his gun but the Mind Mage’s combatant knocks it out of his hand. The smoky brawler brings his foot down on Ryuk’s Dream Armor. -38 HP! Even with the stars and galaxies twirling around his head, Ryuk manages to bring his knees to his chest to protect himself from the next kick.

  -17 HP!

  “Damn!” Ryuk jams his fingers into his clear marble pouch and manages to avoid the next kick by rolling away.

  As the smoky brawler lifts his leg back to give him a football punt to the noggin, Ryuk stuffs the marble in his mouth and spits it at the brawler.

  Dispel magic! he thinks, and sure enough, the smoky brawler flashes white and disappears.

  Skill level up!

  Skill: A Simple Request

  Level Four: 1 in 6.25 chance of a request being granted.

  Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.

  Requirements: LUCK > 9

  LUCK +2!

  New skill learned!

  Skill: Spit Fire

  Level One: Stuff a marble in your mouth and spit it at an enemy. Higher levels allow for more control and sustained magical abilities.

  Requirements: LUCK > 5

  My gun … Ryuk’s head darts left and right.

  He spots his gun near a doorstep, and whoof!, the wind is knocked out of him as Hiccup’s thick and sweaty body lands on top of him. Like clockwork, the hit knocks loose a dragon wing-seasoned ruckus from the goblin’s derriere that adds olfactory insult to injury.

  “Baka!” Ryuk pushes Hiccup off him and stands. “You stinky little fucker!”

  “What!? It knocked the fickin’ wind out of me! Ha! That’s the best one liner I’ve come up with yet! Wait, what the hell did you just call me!?”

  Once he’s a few feet away from the gaseous goblin, Ryuk goes for his marble gun only to be trapped by a circle of yellow fire.

  Damare! That damn Mind Mage! He turns to the spell-casting woman, who continues to stroke her fingers in the air, increasing the height of the yellow flames that now surround him.

  “I’ve got this,” he whispers to himself. He closes his eyes, completely ignoring the heat and the fact that the flames seem to be closing in. His Extreme Focus creates a reticle on the mage and after he’s locked on, up comes his slingshot.

  Ryuk zips a molten marble at the female mage.

  -100 HP! Critical hit! The woman screams as her flesh and clothing sizzle off her body. She tries the ‘stop, drop and roll’ method to no avail. It doesn’t take long for her to curl up and die a fiery, toasty death.

  Level up!

  Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 14 Ballistics Mage

  HP: 223/413

  ATK: 93

  MATK: 120

  DEF: 71

  MDF: 47

  LUCK: 12

  Hiccup and Spew Gorge stop their fight for a moment to sniff the air. Hiccup licks his lips. “Nothing like a good charred Mage, eh, Spewy?”

  Spew Gorge licks his lips as well. “It’s been awhile since I had charred Mage.”

  The two lock eyes and Spew Gorge’s eyes narrow on his older cousin.

  “Fight or feast?” Hiccup asks. “I’m down for either.”

  “Bring it on, you fat fick!” He taps his mallet against the side of his leg. “And if anyone hasn’t told you already, your stupid pink hair makes you look like just about the biggest fickin’ poofter this side of the Empress’s fat ass!”

  Hiccup spits blood, wipes his mouth with his mechanical arm, and equips his toe knife. “You’re going to regret that!” he snarls.

  Instakill!

  The hilt of a sword marble appears on Spew Gorge’s forehead and he falls backwards.

  “That … Hey!” Hiccup turns to Ryuk and shakes his fist. “I was going to kill the ficker!”

  “There are more battles to come. Let’s end this.” Ryuk lowers his slingshot and steps over what’s left of the Mage’s burning ring of fire to retrieve his marble gun.

  “Aye!” Zaena drops as the Dark Elf Warrior’s flaming blade connects with one of her ghost limbs.

  “Cover me, Marbles!”

  Hiccup’s biggest scutum appears in his hands.

  The gnarliest goblin this side of Athos takes off as Ryuk’s explosive marbles kick up debris and confusion.

  This gives Zaena the time she needs to dip away, and Hiccup the cover he needs to launch himself like a sack of potatoes at the Dark Elf Warrior, knock the big bastard down, and proceed to pound the living shit out of the downed warrior with the bottom of his shield. The crunching sound that follows makes Ryuk cringe.

  -86 HP! -75 HP! -30 HP! -9 HP!

  Instakill!

  “Fick yeah! I got a level up!” The goblin’s shield disappears and he drops to his haunches, checking the Dark Elf for loot. “Make it rain, baby, make it rain.” He finds a small satchel and tears it open. “Only one hundred?” He kicks the elf in the face. “I’ll check the others.”

  Zaena approaches Ryuk with a slight limp to her step. “He was strong,” she finally says, lev
eling her orange eyes at him, “but you two didn’t need to help. I was close to finishing him.”

  Thuleans and their pride, he thinks as he takes in Zaena, who is slightly out of breath.

  “Ha! Like fick you were, Liz!” Hiccup makes his way to his cousin’s dead body. “Don’t you know the Thulean word for thank you?”

  She cracks a grin.

  Ryuk glances between his two guildmates. “Is that, um, some sort of joke?”

  “There isn’t really a Thulean word for thank you,” she finally says. “There is a tone of voice used when one is showing appreciation.”

  Ryuk nods. He appreciates Thulean culture, any culture really, but the lack of an ability to say ‘thank you’ seems foreign to him as a person from Japan.

  “A half bottle of a store-brand healing potion, eh?” Hiccup stands, spits on his cousin’s dead body, and chugs it down. “Fick it, that’s not so bad, actually.” He examines the bottle. “HEB Central Market Healing Brew, huh? Whatever the hell that is, it ain’t bad!” He gives his cousin’s dead body another solid kick. “Not bad at all.”

  (0)__(0)

  Ryuk hears some grunting over his shoulder. He glances back at the pair of muscled orcs sliding crates onto a pallet. “Should we help them?” he asks Hiccup as the goblin approaches.

  “Fick me to tears, Marbles, howzabout we let the drug peddlers, I mean pharmaceutical professionals, do their thing, and we do our thing – protect them. Now both of you, heal your asses up.”

  Ryuk goes with one of the generic healing potions in his inventory list. He can’t remember how he got it. Maybe Dirty Dave.

  +100 HP!

  Zaena equips a grenade-shaped Hopkins’ and takes a long sip from it. “In Athos, there is a restaurant that uses Hopkins’ to make a special marinade. I thought you may appreciate this, goblin.”

  Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “Gimme, gimme, gimme. You’ve been holding out on me! And the name … ” he growls.

  “Hiccupanaratapana, correct?”

  “That’s right,” he says, “but your pronunciation is off.”

  Zaena scoffs.

  “Now stop bogarting the Hopkins’.” He tries to swipe the potion away from her but she uses her ghost limb to lift it higher into the air.

  As they bicker over the healing potion, Ryuk remembers his last trip to Athos, the capital of the final floating continent of Tritania.

  To reach Ultima Thule, one must be at level thirty-five, that is unless they were an RPC or an NPC born there, like Zaena. In fact, she can travel to any continent she so desires regardless of level requirements, which makes Ryuk wonder again why she chose Hyperborea. She never told him, and she continues to keep quiet about her past.

  “Eyes forward.” Hiccup tosses the healing potion over his shoulder and his little tomahawk appears in his hands.

  Three players approach, their features covered in shadows.

  I get this now! Ryuk thinks as his Extreme Focus skill forms red outlines around the approaching three. Our success in this mission depends upon defending the choke point. In that case…

  Ryuk: Zaena, take the rooftop opposite mine and equip your bows. Hiccup, hit the alleys and come around back. We have two incoming Dark Archers, one Ballistics Mage, all below level six. They’re all artillery.

  Zaena lifts herself to the top of the fishery using her ghost limbs. Hiccup disappears like a fart during a hurricane. Ryuk glances around and notices that a few crates and barrels are stacked in a way that he’ll be able to scale in no time. He gets to the top crate, and from there, onto the roof of the fishery opposite Zaena.

  The enemy Ballistics Mage shouts, “Face us!” He fires a black marble at one of the fisheries, exploding out a window.

  No sense in wasting a mag. A smile creeps across Ryuk’s face as he levels the Mage with a couple of sword marbles using his slingshot.

  -62 HP! - 38 HP!

  “What the hell!?” the Mage bellows.

  -53 HP! Another sword marble puts the Mage in a bad place.

  The slingshot magic wielder falls instantly and the archers backtrack for cover.

  Fwhip!

  -56 HP! One of Zaena’s arrows goes through the shoulder of a fleeing archer. He hits the ground hard, and takes cover before she can get him with a follow-up.

  Ryuk takes the other archer down with a sword marble to the back as Zaena zings two more into his body.

  “Hey! I wanted to kill someone!” The goblin skids out of an alley and drops his hands on his knees. He huffs in big gulps of breath as he realizes that one of the archers is still alive.

  He brings his tomahawk up and …

  Fwhip!

  Instakill!

  “Dammit, Liz, I’m the one that needs the fickin’ experience!”

  An idea comes to Ryuk. This will totally work.

  “Hiccup, want to play a game?” he calls down to the goblin.

  “Do I want to play a game … does a Thulean fick in the woods?”

  Ryuk considers this for a moment. “I really have no idea.”

  “Well ask Liz, go on, I’m waiting.”

  Ryuk looks over to Zaena and she shakes her head no. A message appears on his viewing pane.

  Zaena: We could both kill Hiccup right now and just handle this ourselves.

  Ryuk: Trust me, I got a better idea.

  “Well, did you ask her?”

  Ryuk points to a place between the two fisheries. “The game is called Honey Trap, or at least I think that’s what it’s called. I might be wrong. Anyway, you get the point. I want you to lead whoever comes down that pathway towards the choke point between these two fisheries. Zaena and I will handle the rest. You in?”

  Hiccup’s horned helm appears on his head. “I can’t believe I forgot to equip my helmet. No wonder I wasn’t getting that much loot. Speaking of which … ” He searches the three they’ve just killed. “Sweet! One of the archers has some ink shadow tears. I dunno what the fick he has these for, but with the bearadillo hide I scored and my Tuskarr Tusks, it’s high time I get to crafting something!”

  He can craft?

  Hiccup stands, scratches his ass and looks up at Ryuk. “What were we doing again?”

  “Honey Trap. It’s a fun game. Just walk up there a ways and lead anyone and everyone to this point here.” Ryuk motions with his marble gun. “Zaena and I will take care of the rest.”

  The goblin nods as a conniving grin spreads across his face. “Not a bad plan at all, Marbles. Glad I came up with it!”

  (0)__(x)

  For the next forty minutes or so, the three Mitherfickers whoop the living hell out of a good number of lesser guilds. Their honey trap strategy remains the same: Hiccup lures them in and Ryuk and Zaena pick them off.

  The goblin has even gotten a little creative with it – defying all laws of physics and violating international treaties both in the Proxima Galaxy and in the real world, the robust goblin has somehow managed to get a bright pink tutu over his armor, and has taken to mocking their opponents by aiming his rectal turbulences in their general direction.

  While Ryuk hasn’t received any new skills, he and Hiccup have both moved up a level, meaning Ryuk is now able to pass to the second floating continent of Tritania – Polynya – and Hiccup is one level away from doing so. Zaena has also gained a level.

  Ryuk quickly checks their stats in a brief break between combat:

  Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 15 Ballistics Mage

  HP: 323/445

  ATK: 97

  MATK: 128

  DEF: 76

  MDF: 49

  LUCK: 12

  Hiccup Level 14 Shield Thief

  HP: 579/620

  ATK: 82

  MATK: 14

  DEF: 181

  MDF: 85

  LUCK: 27

  Zaena Morozon Level 17 Brawler Assassin

  HP: 580/610

  ATK: 180

  MATK: 8

  DEF: 98

  MDF: 34

  LUCK: 14

&nbs
p; A new group approaches – a Warrior, a Brawler, and a Rogue – and Ryuk thinks, more fickboys, after he sees that the three are all below level seven. Two thoughts race through him at this point: one, he doesn’t like being cocky so he feels a bit guilty for that; two, he actually thought in Hiccup’s bawdy patois.

  “Yoo-hoo, boys, it’s your mothers’ favorite goblin treat.” He does a little curtsy and lets loose a squeaker. “One on three? I call those good odds! Whoever dies first gets a tomahawk in the ass!” He brandishes a comically small tomahawk, no longer than an unsharpened pencil. “Bring it, you fickwads!”

  Ryuk doesn’t pay much attention to their stats. At their levels, there is no way they’ll be able to take down the Mitherfickers, especially with their artillery disadvantage. He aims his marble gun at the sweet spot and, like the battle before, he waits for Hiccup to scuttle on through.

  The three lower leveled guildmates give chase and only the Rogue slides to a halt after he sees the bodies stacked in the shadows on either side of the honey trap. He yells out to his compadres, but by this point Zaena has already taken one down with a well-aimed arrow while Ryuk pumps the other full of black and molten marble.

  Instakill! Instakill!

  The word appears in the air amidst a misting of blood.

  “Sheeeyooot!” The Rogue turns to run the other way and makes it all of four steps before an arrow brings him to the ground.

  Hiccup makes a running leap and a large ax appears in his hands in midair. He comes down hard with his knees on the back of the rogue, piledriving his ax into the back of his head and bringing him sudden death.

  Instakill!

  “Whew!” The goblin waddles to his feet and wipes some blood from his ax onto the Rogue’s clothing. As he has for everyone else they’ve killed, Hiccup grabs the Rogue by the leg and drags him over to the side of one of the fisheries, leaving a trail of crimson behind him. He checks him for loot and kicks the rogue when he finds none.

  He does the same with the other two. He then walks over to their blood trails and tries to kick up some dust to cover them.

  Zaena: The goblin needs one more level, then we’re good.

  Hiccup: THE GOBLIN HAS A FICKIN’ NAME. Why are Thuleans so racist? Why do I always want to go to my safe space after a couple hours with you?