Fantasy Online Polynya

by Harmon Cooper

  “What about us?” Zaena asks.

  “I’m good here,” Hiccup says.

  “He’s right. You two stay here for now, as soon as I net the wolf or peg it, spawn at my location and help me take it down.”

  Zaena’s face hardens. “I want to be part of the hunting party.”

  “You are, dear, trust me, but too many chefs spoil the soup.”

  “He has a point.” Hiccup closes his book and yanks a healing potion out of thin air. He pops the top off the generic healing potion, takes his first sip, and cringes. “Oh yeah, that’s right, these ones ain’t half bad. Not Hopkins’, but what the fick can you do? Gotta save the good stuff for later. And don’t you say shit about me wasting a potion, Marbles, it’s prophylactic.”

  The goblin guzzles the potion, jams his tongue inside to pick up any leftover residue, and once he’s finished, drops the potion onto the couch and returns his focus to his erotic novel. “Love me some lesbians,” he says as he licks his lips.

  “We’ll be ready to spawn as soon as you give the signal,” Zaena nods. “I look forward to it.”

  “Speak for yourself, Liz, although wolf meat ain’t half bad. You have to cure it right, but that’s a cinch.”

  Enway clears her throat. “I’ll come with them as well – this sounds like it will be interesting!”

  “Last thing.” FeeTwix equips a spray can called No Odor and gives himself a thorough spritzing. He tosses the can to Ryuk and tells him to do the same. “Before you ask, this eliminates our scent. Used it all the fucking time in Dead City. The damn zombie dogs there retain their sense of smell; this stuff works like a charm.”

  “Um.” Ryuk points the spray nozzle at his body and gives himself a good coating. The spray, not surprisingly, doesn’t smell like anything.

  “Between the legs too,” Hiccup comments, not taking his eyes off his text. “Nobody likes swamp ass.”

  “Last thing, I swear!” Night vision goggles attached to an elaborate geared head mount form over FeeTwix’s eyes.

  “You a jeweler now?” asks Hiccup.

  “A jeweler? No, no, my troubled goblin amigo. These NVDs are a replica of the ones used by the United States Marines!”

  “NVDs?” Zaena asks.

  “Night vision device, or better, an optoelectronic device, which produces a monochrome green image in even the darkest of dark situations. Cool, huh?”

  “So you are like an elf then?” She nods to Enway. “Elves can see in the dark.”

  “That’s one way to look at it, babe. I’m like an elf, which reminds me … ” He pops the goggles up, equips his little mirror, and his eyes flash black. “And we’re back, people! Hello America and all the ships at sea! Are you clean enough? Are you moist enough?”

  Hiccup shoots FeeTwix a suspicious glance.

  “Well, if you aren’t, and hell, even if you are, Unilever & Gamble’s moisturizing aloe berry crisp hand sanitizer with added vitamin E kills 99.99% of germs in less than ten seconds and adds moisture to your skin in a fresh and revitalizing way. You’re gonna love it! Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a bonus pack of Clean Me Up and Wipe Me Down sanitary wipes! Hiccup the goblin is hooked on these wipes! Just ask him!” He swivels to Hiccup and the goblin gives FeeTwix the finger.

  “Just imagine how clean that filthy goblin finger would be if he used some moisturizing aloe berry crisp hand sanitizer and followed it up with a Clean Me Up and Wipe Me Down sanitary wipe! Don’t miss out on this special offer today. Love you guys.” He blows kisses at the mirror in his hand. “Now let’s go catch us a big, bad wolf!”

  (0)__(0)

  Ryuk gets into position on one of the lower terraces. The night is cool, the moon barely visible. The grains are high, and out of respect for the farmers, he tries his best not to trample any of their handiwork.

  FeeTwix’s auto-drone buzzes over a flock of sheep to the south.

  After a deep breath to settle his nerves, Ryuk’s Extreme Focus skill kicks in. With his skill’s tunnel vision effect, he can see the Swede creeping around, his bolonet rifle at the ready and his GPS gun at his hip.

  Remembering Hajime’s oblique quote, the most important thing is the thing most easily forgotten – breathe, Ryuk hones in on the movement of air in his body until he can feel the breath move from his lungs to his blood, and from there, to his appendages.

  His focus pulses with each breath in. Minute details become increasingly apparent, from a ladybug crawling on a stem of wheat five meters away to the plinking sound of a droplet of water from a leaky pipe two fields over.

  There.

  His ears twitch slightly at the sound of an animal moving through the wheat on the northern terrace.

  He readies his marble gun.

  Ryuk: The wolf is approaching from the northern terrace. I’m out of range.

  FeeTwix: Copy that. I’ll get him with the GPS bullet first, just in case I can’t get him with the net.

  Ryuk focuses on FeeTwix for a moment.

  The Swede has taken a position behind a barrel, using the barrel to steady his arms as he waits for the wolf to approach. The night vision goggles are on his head, and he’s as still as a frozen cactus as the canine slowly makes his way to a pen filled with sheep.

  The sheep bleat and a few shuffle around, but other than that, they seem completely oblivious to the predator.

  Ryuk: Damn, the wolf is big.

  Hiccup: That’s what she said.

  Ryuk: I thought you were reading.

  Hiccup: Goblins excel at multitasking.

  FeeTwix: How big?

  Zaena: Do you need us yet?

  Ryuk: The wolf is the size of a donkey, at least that size.

  FeeTwix: Roger.

  Hiccup: Who the fick is Roger?

  Ryuk ignores the ensuing conversation as something red catches his eyes. He looks up at the approaching red outline. A dragon?

  Ryuk: A dragon is approaching.

  Zaena: We’re coming to you!

  FeeTwix: Everyone stay cool just for a moment longer.

  Shit, Ryuk thinks as two other forms appear on the dragon. He can’t make out the details of the riders yet, but there are definitely two.

  ~~POP!~~

  The mahoosive wolf yelps and scurries away as FeeTwix pegs him with his GPS bullet.

  Just in time, too.

  The dragon is now directly over the Swede’s head, and before the man with the near limitless inventory list can equip another weapon, two armed warriors drop from the dragon.

  Ryuk: Zaena, Hiccup, get here now! NOW!

  Chapter 11: Surprise Attack

  It can’t be, Ryuk thinks as he scrambles to get closer to the action. The Mitherfickers have spawned, Enway too, and they are currently going toe-to-toe with the two warriors, whose dragon circles in the air above them. He hears the clank of swords meeting as Tamana and Zaena go at it, the Thulean in her death dance and Tamana the betrayer using her buster sword to block each incoming attack.

  Tamana Nakamura Level 15 White Warrior

  HP: 410/410

  MANA: 389/389

  ATK: 117

  DEF: 134

  MATK: 149

  MDF: 108

  LUCK: 6

  She wears a type of red armor he’s never seen before and a skull-shaped helmet. It’s clearly her, from her ironing board of a sword to the way she swings her weapon at Zaena.

  Ryuk swallows the emotions coursing through him, hits another terrace, and drops and rolls.

  He comes up with his triggerless Marble Gun aimed and ready. He’s almost in range, and as he scissors towards the final terrace, he changes his trajectory to the other fighter, the one currently engaging FeeTwix and Enway.

  Tomas Romero Level 51 Shield Warrior

  HP: 2167/2167

  ATK: 593

  MATK: 10

  DEF: 740

  MDF: 555

  LUCK: 21

  The Shield Warrior has a weapon that looks like a cross between a trident and a doubl
e-bitted ax.

  Where do I know that name? Ryuk stops dead in his tracks. Isn’t that …

  “Fick you, Tammy!” Hiccup runs at Tamana with his spiked club. While blocking the latest attack from Zaena, she manages to fire off a white magic missile at Hiccup. His shield takes the brunt of it, but the gaseous goblin is tossed backwards into a well, where he cracks his lower back, and nearly falls in.

  “Yeooooooy!” He balls up like a baby and jams a healing potion in his mouth.

  The mirrored dragon screeches and comes in to lay down some fire. It suddenly jerks up, spitting a mirror-like substance to the right, where it melts through FeeTwix’s hovering auto-drone and also melts a single black sheep too foolish to run to the other side of the pen like its brethren.

  What the hell? Ryuk notices a collar around the dragon’s neck, a collar akin to the handcuffs Tamana had when they went for her at the guild. Knowing that he’ll get a better shot with his slingshot, he holsters his Marble Gun, comes up with his slingshot, and makes the split second decision to go with his molten marble over an explosive or sword marble.

  Steadying his breath, Ryuk tracks the mirrored dragon as it circles overhead. A red reticle appears, he takes a short breath in, steadies the reticle just a bit longer and …

  The dragon flinches and dips towards the ground as the molten marble strikes the collar around its neck. The lava spreads instantly and the collar snaps off and crash-lands in the midst of FeeTwix’s battle.

  Free of its restraints, the dragon rears back up just in time, releases a burst of silvery fire, and flaps its wings, whipping dust and debris around the battlefield. Once the mirrored dragon has steadied itself, it spirals higher into the air and gets the fuck out of Dodge.

  New skill learned!

  LUCK +1!

  Skill: One in a Million

  Level One: Use your slingshot and any marble of your choosing to take an impossible shot. Odds of connecting increase with each point you gain in LUCK.

  Requirements: Level 10 Mage, LUCK > 10.

  “Wait a fickin’ minute! Mirror!” Hiccup uses his arms to press himself up. “That’s the dragon, Marbles! The one we sent that bitch Tammy’s handcuffs to! Mirror! Shit, she’s gone. Wait … You don’t think we sold her out, do you? Well, if we did, she’ll be pissed. Better to have her fly off, in that case,” he says under his breath. “Okay, back to nursing my healing potion. Fick you, Tammy!”

  Ryuk glances from the goblin to FeeTwix and Enway. The Swede has equipped an ax made of machine parts that is easily the size of Tamana’s buster sword. He uses all his might to swing it at Tomas, and even though his eyes are black, Ryuk can tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t know what to think. Tomas was the reason FeeTwix logged into Tritania in the first place.

  And to face him like this …

  FeeTwix swings again and cracks his machine ax against the ground, sending more dirt into the air.

  For her part, Enway stands back as white magic ripples around her hands.

  As soon as Tomas lands a strike on FeeTwix, Enway heals him. Seeing an opportunity here, the Swede with the damn near infinite list of killer toys brandishes two Uzis and unloads a wall of metal fury at Tomas, who narrowly blocks them with a red scutum that matches his armor.

  “I’ve got this!” Ryuk fires his entire mag of molten and black marbles at Tomas. He starts high and brings his trajectory down a couple of centimeters, the results of which create a solid line of fiery unhappiness that throws the Shield Warrior off his feet.

  -39 HP!

  That’s it? Ryuk pops the clip out and loads another. He turns his head as he hears Zaena release a war cry as she charges Tamana, bends her slender body backwards, and uses her ghost limbs to whip her over Tamana’s form, where she stabs the turncoat White Warrior with two blades from behind.

  +79 HP! +84 HP!

  Ryuk stares in horror as Zaena stabs Tamana again, this too adding to her hit points.

  Crack!

  Tamana uses both hands to baseball swing the broad side of her blade into Zaena, who is tossed into a patch of wine apples. She brings her ironing board of a sword down onto the ground and the Thulean just barely manages to get out of the way in time.

  Ryuk lowers his Marble Gun for a moment as the thought dawns on him. He’s seen this very thing before, in a foe that Tamana and he encountered outside of a city known as New Gotha. He quickly fires off a message to the guild.

  Ryuk: Her armor is enchanted! FeeTwix and Hiccup, take Tomas! Zaena distract Tamana and I’ll try to remove the enchantment.

  Hiccup: Who died and made you boss?

  Ryuk: Move your ass, Hiccup!

  To encourage the goblin, Ryuk, before holstering his Marble Gun, fires a shot one meter away from Hiccup’s feet. The goblin launches into the air, propelled by both flatulence and the explosion, and in a twist that Ryuk couldn’t have even seen coming, the portly goblin bounces once off the ground, equips a shield midair, and brings it and his sizeable goblin girth down onto Tomas.

  -45 HP!

  Zaena has turned up her slice and dice attack, completely engaging Tamana. Her blades spinning around her body, she occasionally tries to get a lick in, which Tamana blocks. The ones she misses are instantly returned to Tamana in healing points.

  Ryuk holsters his gun and again goes for his magic slingshot.

  He pockets a clear marble and walks towards the two blade mistresses, ready to cast A Simple Request. His Extreme Focus kicks in and he becomes completely oblivious to what’s happening on FeeTwix, Enway, and Hiccup’s side of the equation.

  His slingshot aimed, he waits for the moment in which Zaena is far enough away for him to get a clear shot, waits a moment longer, and lets loose the clear marble.

  “Remove enchantment!” he bellows.

  The clear marble strikes Tamana and her arms begin to bulge.

  A large bubble forms under her alien armor and begins moving around her body, growing every body part it comes into contact with. Her arms go to four times their size, her legs, her torso, her skull-helmed head, and finally, her buster sword.

  (0)__(0)

  “Dragon ficks! Marbles, you fickered fick-laden fickbag! What the hell did you just do!?” Hiccup uses a heater shield with an image of a nude mermaid inlaid on its front to block a thrust from Tomas’ double-bitted ax trident.

  Tamana, now five times her normal size, brings her buster sword back and takes out a farmhouse. Wood and debris spray into the air. With a grunt, she brings her sword down, cuts through the fence penning in the sheep, kills a few sheep in the process, and those that aren’t killed by her blade quickly scramble out, bleating as they ram into each other and add a fluffy white visual of chaos to the battle.

  A white magic surrounds Enway and she lifts into the air. The magic spirals around her, forming a vortex between her floating body and the ground. She claps her hands together and the vortex whips towards giant Tamana, where it takes her off balance.

  Tamana falls to one knee, her blade jabbing into the ground, and Zaena comes in for more swordplay. With her giant hand, Tamana bitch-slaps the living shit out of the Thulean, sending her flying into the air.

  Zaena’s ghost limbs react just in time, saving her from crashing into a shed outside of the now defunct sheep pen.

  Taking a deep breath in, Ryuk pulls back the clear marble and issues his command.

  “Remove enchantment!”

  Remove enchantment!

  LUCK +1!

  Ryuk pumps his fist in the air. “It worked!” he yells to Zaena. “The enchantment is removed!”

  While she still may be giant-sized, Tamana’s ability to heal with each attack is gone.

  “Everyone focus on Tamana,” FeeTwix shouts. “I’ll take care of Tomas!”

  As much as it pains him to do so, Ryuk unholsters his Marble Gun and begins firing black and molten marbles at Tamana’s giant feet as she tries, and fails, to squish Hiccup.

  -15 HP! -23 HP! -24 HP!

  J
ust as she’s taken off balance, Enway pegs Tamana with a translucent cube made of white magic. The cube anchors itself over Tamana’s chest as lightning bolts ping from corner to corner inside the cube.

  -81 HP!

  Tamana’s hand comes up to heal herself and Ryuk takes aim at it. He fires at the back of her hand, just as Zaena uses her ghost limbs to hoist herself onto Tamana’s big arm.

  Unable to finish her healing, Tamana tries to swat Zaena off; the Thulean leaps over Tamana’s incoming hand, scurries up the armor covering her upper arm, and arrives at her shoulder.

  Meanwhile, Hiccup has taken to beating his spiked club against Tamana’s armored ankle. Hit after hit, he takes big sips from a healing potion to keep himself going.

  Ryuk pops his spent mag out, loads another, and continues firing at Tamana’s free hand. In the blink of an eye, Zaena throws two of her blades forward, grabs them with her konoshlo mid-flip, and drives them into the side of Tamana’s thick neck.

  -130 HP!

  She uses her forward momentum to bring her body even closer to Tamana’s neck, where she stabs her repeatedly with all four blades.

  Instakill!

  “Fickin’ kill that giant bitch, Liz!”

  Tamana drops her ginormous buster sword, which ruins what’s left of the sheep pen. She falls to her knees, her neck bubbling with blood as she sucks in air.

  “Everybody out of the way!” Zaena takes a running leap off Tamana and propels herself to a rooftop.

  “Fick!” Hiccup shrieks, his little goblin legs carrying him as fast as they can. He gets his leg caught under a piece of fence, flies forward and faceplants hard.

  Tamana follows suit, landing with her head on her arm just a few meters shy of Hiccup, who screams, pisses himself, realizes he’s safe, gets to his feet, and runs towards Tamana’s face with his spiked club.

  “This ends now!” the Swede bellows.

  Ryuk glances right to see a battered and bruised FeeTwix holding a rather large Bowie knife. Tomas comes in for an attack and the knife starts to bubble up FeeTwix’s arm.