Their First Family Christmas

by Alison Roberts

  It was a bond that she and Jack would always have. Would always remember on this particular day.

  And she could hear the crunch of Jack’s footsteps behind her.

  He had chosen to follow her. A bloom of something like pure pride filled her chest. How brave was he, to be fronting up to what must be his biggest demon of losing his twin? It would have to feel as though he’d lost the other half of himself.

  Emma cleared the snow from in front of Sarah and Ben’s stone. The inscription that went around the dates was very simple.

  Ben Reynolds and Sarah Reynolds

  Dearly loved parents of Lily

  Together forever

  Jack was standing as still as any of the marble angels dotted around this old cemetery but Emma was still crouching. She opened the bag she had brought with her and took out the small items.

  A wreath of plastic mistletoe with its bunches of tiny, white berries.

  A photograph of Lily in a heart-shaped silver frame.

  A piece of star-shaped shortbread that was decorated with tiny silver balls.

  She looked up at Jack as she placed the last item on the ground. The glance apologised for what probably seemed such an unusual choice.

  ‘Sarah loved Mum’s shortbread so much. Mum would post a box of it to us when we were away at medical school and she’d always be so excited when it arrived.’

  ‘I seem to remember it got a mention at the wedding.’ Jack’s voice sounded strained. ‘Wasn’t it part of the cake?’

  ‘There was a pile of it around the bottom of the cake. Tiny, heart-shaped ones.’

  Emma had to put her fingers against her mouth to stifle a sob. Then she touched the names on the stone, as if she was transferring a kiss. Her legs were starting to ache from crouching so she stood up. In summer she had often sat on the grass right here, talking to Sarah, but when it was wet, or cold, she would go and sit on the bench under the oak tree. So that was where she headed now. There wasn’t much snow to brush off the wooden slats of the bench. It would be cold and probably a bit damp, but that didn’t matter.

  It was this time that mattered. The memories.

  It felt weird doing it in company other than Harry’s. How could she talk to Sarah if there was anyone to hear her? But when Jack came to sit beside her and took hold of her hand again, that didn’t matter, either.

  Conversation didn’t have to be in words, did it? It could simply be thoughts. And feelings.

  Like the conversation she and Jack were having as they sat here silently.

  It was a long time before the silence got broken. It was Jack who broke it.

  ‘I get the shortbread. And the photo of Lily, of course. But why the fake mistletoe? Just because it’s Christmas?’

  ‘It was a joke.’ Emma’s smile felt misty. ‘You know Sarah and I shared an apartment and from the moment she met Ben they were inseparable. And they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. It felt like every time I went into a room, there they were, kissing...’

  Jack snorted. ‘Yeah...in our place, too.’

  ‘So one time I said, For heaven’s sake, guys, it’s not Christmas—there’s no mistletoe around here. And...’ Emma had to clear her throat. ‘It was so like Sarah. I don’t know how she managed it in the middle of summer, but she went out the next day and bought this huge, horrible sprig of plastic mistletoe and hung it from the lampshade in our living room. It was always there.’ Emma’s voice wobbled. ‘It was always kissing time for those two...’

  The grip on her hand tightened.

  ‘They were so happy, weren’t they?’

  ‘I’ve never seen two people so much in love. Their wedding day was so special.’

  ‘It was...’

  Jack’s gaze met Emma’s and she knew he was thinking the same thing she was. That the day hadn’t just been so special because two people who loved each other so much were making a public commitment to share their lives forever.

  It was the day that she and Jack had connected. Oh, they knew who the other was well before that, of course. She’d seen him around the hospital often enough but she’d kept a careful distance. Everybody knew Jack Reynolds’s reputation and Emma had no interest in becoming another chalk mark on a bedpost.

  Yep. Jack was definitely following her train of thought.

  ‘Do you think they knew?’ he asked quietly. ‘About us? Did you tell Sarah?’

  ‘Of course not. She would have been horrified.’

  ‘Yeah... Ben would have been horrified, too. He told me right from the start that you were out of bounds. That I’d be in big trouble if I even thought about messing with his girlfriend’s bestie.’

  Jack’s face creased into lines of deep discomfort. Shame, even? He let go of Emma’s hand and she saw his fingers clench into a fist. He seemed to be watching his own hand as well.

  ‘Was I really that awful?’

  ‘Quite the opposite.’ Emma had to smile. ‘You were too charming. Sarah knew I’d be in danger of falling for you. That I’d end up with my heart broken like half the women at the Eastern.’

  She wanted him to look up. To see her smile. To see that she’d understood what she had been letting herself in for and that she didn’t blame him for leaving a hole in her life that couldn’t be filled by anyone else, any more than the Sarah-shaped hole could be filled.

  But Jack was still staring down at his hand. His breath came out slowly enough to make a cloud of mist that hung in front of his mouth. What if he asked her if that had been what had really happened in the end? Would she confess that she had fallen in love with him? That she still felt the same way?

  ‘I never set out to hurt people, you know.’

  Emma put her hand over his fist. ‘I know that, Jack.’

  When he looked up, his eyes were so dark they looked haunted.

  ‘I wanted what Ben had found, even though I pretended I didn’t.’ A tiny shake of his head sent a lock of that shaggy hair across his forehead. It was long enough to be hanging over one eye and Emma badly wanted to reach up and smooth it away.

  Jack didn’t appear to notice it.

  ‘No...that’s not really accurate. I wasn’t pretending. I really believed that it wasn’t something I’d ever want.’

  Emma felt a shiver slide down her spine. Was it due to sitting so still in this chilly air? Or was it a premonition that she was about to hear something she really didn’t want to hear?

  ‘You mean...marriage? Having a family?’

  ‘All of it. The thing that makes it happen. Makes it work...’

  Emma swallowed hard. ‘Love,’ she whispered.

  ‘I’ve learned something in the last year,’ Jack said. ‘You can’t not learn things when you see the kind of stuff I saw. When you get time to sit under a scrubby apology for a tree in the starkness of a desert and there’s nothing to do but think about things.’

  His fist finally opened beneath her hand and his fingers laced themselves through Emma’s.

  ‘I learned that I’d been lying to myself for most of my life. Of course I wanted those things. I just...I just can’t have them...’

  Words were extraordinary things, weren’t they? Sometimes they could be so heavy, it felt like they were crushing you. Making it almost impossible to breathe. Making it just as hard to find your own words and make them into sounds.

  ‘You can, Jack... You can have all those things.’

  They were right here, waiting for him. All he had to do was open his arms and embrace them.

  But he was shaking his head.

  ‘I can’t get past the wall,’ he murmured.

  ‘What wall?’

  ‘The one I started building after Mum died and then Ben got taken away from me. The wall I could hide behind so that I couldn’t see the bad stuff.�
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  ‘But you and Ben were together again. You went through med school together. You were working in the same hospital. Living together... You looked like you were the best friends anybody could ever have.’

  ‘And then Ben died...’ There was anger in Jack’s voice. Or was it desperation? ‘So I had to make the wall even bigger. Stronger.’

  Emma could feel tears gathering. ‘I don’t understand,’ she said into the silence. ‘You’re not just shutting yourself away from bad stuff. You’re shutting yourself away from the good stuff, too. The things that make life worth living. You know what’s on the other side of that wall, don’t you? Love...’

  Jack’s voice sounded raw now. ‘Oh, yeah...the kind of love that’s there when you’re little and your mum is alive and there’s someone to hold you when you get hurt and tell you everything’s going to be okay...’

  Emma’s heart was breaking for that little boy who’d lost his mother.

  ‘And the kind that’s there when you’ve got a twin brother and it doesn’t matter how bad things are anymore because you’re never, ever going to be completely alone...’

  ‘But that’s a good place,’ Emma whispered. ‘There’s still love there for you. From Lily... From me...’

  There. She’d said it. It was out in the open.

  ‘It’s the hole,’ Jack said.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Just behind that wall, before you get to any place that’s good, there’s a hole. The one you fall into when you lose that love. The one that doesn’t have a bottom. Or sides that you can climb up.’

  Finally, Emma could understand.

  ‘The wall is there to stop you ever falling into the hole again?’

  Jack didn’t say anything. He just looked at Emma and the sadness in his eyes said it all.

  ‘Oh, Jack...’ Emma wrapped her arms around him and hugged him as hard as she could. For her own sake as well as his. Her heart was still breaking for that little boy he’d been. It was breaking for the man who’d lost his brother. It was breaking for the man who believed he couldn’t ever open his heart enough to love again.

  And it was breaking for herself and Lily, because they were on the other side of that damned wall. On the other side of that hole that Jack was too afraid to fall into again.

  Was it time to accept that her dream was never going to come true?

  Emma gave that thought a mental shove. She wasn’t ready to do that. She’d held on to it for so long now, despite evidence that it was already impossible, and it was even harder to contemplate now, when she had Jack right beside her. When she had his arms around her.

  It was, however, time they went home.

  Time they sat down to the Christmas lunch that would be ready by now. Around that old kitchen table.

  As if they were a real family...

  Letting go of Jack, Emma looked around for her beloved shaggy dog, who was rolling in a snowdrift away from the trees.

  ‘Come on,’ she called. ‘Time to go home, Harry.’

  Jack paused for a long moment before he followed them but Emma just waited at the gate until he was ready to leave.

  He was standing so still beside the graveside, his head bent.

  As if he was having a quiet word with Ben.

  * * *

  The walk home had become a marathon.

  Jack had never felt this exhausted in his life. He couldn’t hide a limp as he put weight on his sore leg. His ribs hurt every time he sucked in another breath of that icy air and his head was aching unbearably but he knew that the real exhaustion was emotional.

  To feel Ben’s presence like that, as he stood up to leave, had been a bombshell.

  This had just been a place. A place he had never wanted to be in and he hadn’t even thought of coming back since the day Ben and Sarah had been laid to rest here. He had avoided ever thinking about that horrible day and it hadn’t been that difficult because he had been so grief-stricken during those hours of the ceremony that the memory was barely more than a blur.

  It had taken all his courage to walk through that gate and he couldn’t have done it alone.

  But Emma had been with him and she’d made it possible. Maybe because she’d teased a happy memory out of him before they’d even arrived at that gate.

  Even now, the image of him and Ben playing air guitar on that long-ago Christmas Day made him want to smile.

  And that plastic mistletoe...

  He’d never been that inventive when he’d found Ben and Sarah kissing in his apartment. Get a room, he’d tell them, but he’d be smiling then, too. He’d been happy that his brother had found exactly what he wanted for his future. He’d found the love of his life.

  Ben Reynolds and Sarah Reynolds

  Together forever

  And then it had hit him.

  This was the last place he had ever physically been in his brother’s presence. And it felt as if that presence was still here.

  Words had come from a place that had been so well hidden he wouldn’t have been able to find it even if he’d felt like looking.

  I miss you, bro. Like you wouldn’t believe...

  His whole body had hurt as the words had taken form—but not as much as he might have feared.

  And it felt like something locked up had been released. The relief that came in the wake of the pain made him realise that unlocking that space was the right thing to have happened. That it should have happened a long time ago?

  There had been relief to be found in confessing his greatest flaw today, too. That he simply wasn’t capable of loving someone again. Emma didn’t seem to hate him for that. The way she’d held him had told him that she understood. That she loved him even if he couldn’t return it. That meant he could be himself, didn’t it? That maybe he didn’t have to avoid giving what he was capable of, because he wasn’t going to be blamed for what he couldn’t give?

  But Emma thought he could...

  She and Lily were on the other side of that wall...

  Waiting for him?

  Maybe...just maybe...he was wrong...

  Had he shut Emma and Lily away in the same space that Ben had been trapped in? The space that had just been unlocked?

  He had to bow his head as remorse flooded him.

  I’m sorry, mate. I should have been here for your daughter. For Emma... She looks like you, man. She’s a mini-me except that she’s a girl. A gorgeous, wonderful little girl. You would have been so proud. I’m proud for you...

  It wasn’t just the exhaustion and the pain that was making this walk home so hard. The fragments of memories and the kaleidoscope of emotions still swirling in his head were too much. Coherent thoughts were becoming too difficult and confusion came in like a fog that made his head spin so much that he felt like he was actually falling as he tried to put one foot in front of the other.

  ‘Whoa...’ He could feel the grip of Emma’s arm coming around his waist. Keeping him upright? ‘Thank goodness we’re almost home. You need to sit down for a while. It was too much, too soon, this walk. I’m sorry I made you come with me.’

  ‘Don’t be.’ Jack screwed his eyes tightly shut as he stopped for a moment, trying to push the dizziness away. ‘It was the right thing to do and...and thank you for taking me.’

  He opened his eyes to find Emma smiling up at him. For a moment, his head felt clear again. It wasn’t even hurting. And his heart? It felt full enough to burst.

  ‘You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you know,’ he said. ‘You’re...well, you’re just the best, Red.’

  He had to kiss her. Judging by the way Emma stood on tiptoe and held her face up to his, she felt exactly the same way.

  It was like the kiss beside the Christmas tree. A kiss that was heartbreakingly tender. But it was also
like the kiss in her office last night. The one that had been less than a hair’s breadth from spiralling into the kind of desire he’d never expected to feel again.

  Heat that started in his body but seemed to explode into his head with enough force to make him groan softly. He didn’t want this. It was just another burst of emotion that he simply didn’t have the strength to handle.

  ‘Come on.’ Emma had taken his hand again. ‘Let’s get you inside. Some good food and a long rest and you won’t know yourself.’

  He didn’t feel as if he knew himself now. Was it the combination of physical and emotional exhaustion that was making things feel so weird?

  The warmth of the house was too much after being outside in the cold. He stripped off the parka and the old woollen jersey but it still felt too warm as they gathered around the kitchen table.

  The feast arranged in front of him was everything a Christmas lunch should be. Muriel was carving succulent-looking slices from the roast turkey. There was a steaming bowl of brussels sprouts sprinkled with what looked like crumbs of pancetta and a platter of crispy, roasted potatoes and parsnips. There were jugs of gravy and bread sauce and a bright bowl of cranberry sauce. It should have all looked and smelt delicious but Jack had to fight a horrible wave of nausea and he could feel beads of perspiration break out on his forehead.

  Lily was sitting in her high chair. She was laughing. Banging a spoon on the tray, and the sound was getting louder and louder until it felt like every bang was cracking his skull.

  Muriel was asking him something. He could see her mouth moving and hear the sound coming out but he couldn’t understand the words.

  And Emma...

  Emma was staring at him and she looked...terrified?

  He had to tell her everything was all right.

  That he’d make it all right, because he loved her.

  He needed to touch her hand so he leaned sideways to reach her. But then he couldn’t stop.

  He was falling into space...

  Black space...

  It sounded as though Emma was calling him from the other side of the world.