First Grave on the Right cd-1

by Darynda Jones

  I jumped, then placed a calming hand over my heart, annoyed that I was still so easily surprised. As many times as I’ve seen dead people appear out of nowhere, you’d think I’d be used to it.

  “Holy crap, Sussman. I wish you guys would learn to knock.”

  “Incorporeal being,” he said, giving attitude.

  I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a squirt bottle from my vanity. “You set one foot in this bathroom, and I will melt your face with my transcendental pest repellent.”

  His eyes widened. “Seriously?”

  “No,” I said, my shoulders deflating. I had a really hard time lying to the departed. “It’s just water. But don’t tell Mr. Habersham, the dead guy in 2B. This bottle is the only thing that keeps that dirty old man out of my bathroom.”

  Sussman’s brows arched as he scanned my lack of attire. “Can’t say that I blame him.”

  I glowered and swung open the door, pulling it through his face and disorienting him. He put one hand on his forehead and one on the doorjamb to ride out the dizzy spell. Newbies were so easy. After giving him a second to get his bearings, I pointed to the sign tacked on the outside of my bathroom door.

  “Memorize it,” I ordered, then slammed the door shut again.

  “ ‘No dead people beyond this door,’ ” he read aloud from beyond the door. “ ‘And, yes, if you suddenly have the ability to walk through walls, you’re dead. You’re not lying somewhere in a drainage ditch waiting to wake up. Get over it, and stay the hell out of my bathroom.’ ” He stuck his head through the door again. “That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?”

  My sign may have seemed a tad brutal to the untrained eye, but it usually got my message across. Unless it was Mr. Habersham. Him I had to threaten. Often.

  Even with the sign, I tended to wash my hair as if the apartment were on fire. Dead people standing in the shower with me after the rinse cycle was a bit much. You’re never quite the same after a shotgun-blast-to-the-head pops in for tea and a sauna.

  I pointed a sharp index finger. “Out!” I ordered, then turned back to the quandary that was my bruised and swollen face.

  Applying foundation after you’ve been knocked on your ass was more of an art than a science. It required patience. And layers. But after the third layer, I ran out of patience and washed my face of the whole matter. Seriously, who was going to see me this early in the morning? By the time I pulled my chocolate brown hair into a ponytail, I almost had myself convinced that bruises and black eyes added a certain je ne sais quoi to my appearance. A little concealer, a little lipstick, and voilà, I was ready for the world. The question remained, however, Was the world ready for me?

  I stepped out of the bathroom in a plain white button-down and jeans, hoping the generous expanse of bosom I carried would help me achieve a solid 9.2 on a scale of 10. I had breasts aplenty. Just in case, I undid the top button to show more cleavage. Maybe no one would notice the fact that my face resembled a topographical map of North America.

  “Wow,” Sussman said, “you look hot even with the slight disfigurement.”

  I stopped and turned toward him. “What did you say?”

  “Um, you look hot?”

  “Let me ask you something,” I said, easing closer. He took a wary step back. “When you were alive, like, five minutes ago, would you have told some chick you’d just met that she looked hot?”

  He thought about that a moment, then answered, “No. My wife would divorce me.”

  “Then why is it the moment you guys die, you think you can say whatever you want to whomever you want?”

  He thought about that a moment, too. “Because my wife can’t hear me?” he offered.

  I stabbed him with the full power of my death stare, likely blinding him for all eternity. Then I grabbed my handbag and keys. Just before I shut off the lights, I turned back and said with a wink, “Thanks for the compliment.”

  He smiled and followed me out the door.

  * * *

  Apparently, I wasn’t as hot as Sussman thought. I was freezing, in fact. And, naturally, I’d forgotten my jacket. Too lazy to go back for it, I hurried into my cherry red Jeep Wrangler. Her name was Misery, in homage to the master of horror and all things creepy. Sussman oozed into the passenger’s seat.

  “The grim reaper, huh?” he asked as I clicked my seat belt.

  “Yep.” I hadn’t realized he knew my job title. He and Angel must have had quite the talk. I turned the key, and Misery purred to life around me. Thirty-seven more payments, and this baby was all mine.

  “You don’t look like the grim reaper.”

  “You’ve met him, have you?”

  “Well, no, not really,” he said.

  “My robe’s at the cleaners.”

  That got a sheepish chuckle. “And your scythe?”

  I shot him an evil grin and turned on the heater. “Speaking of crimes,” I said, changing the subject, “did you happen to see the shooter?”

  “Neither hide nor hair.”

  “So … no.”

  He slid his glasses up with an index finger. “No. I didn’t see anyone.”

  “Darn. That doesn’t help.” I turned left onto Central. “Do you know where you are? Where your body is? We’re headed downtown. This might be you.”

  “No, I had just pulled into my drive. My wife and I live in the Heights.”

  “So, you’re married?”

  “Five years,” he said, a sadness permeating his voice. “Two kids. Girls. Four and eighteen months.”

  I hated that part. The people-left-behind part. “I’m so sorry.”

  He looked at me with that expression, that you-can-see-dead-people-so-you-must-have-all-the-answers expression of so many who’d come before him. He was about to be very disappointed.

  “It’s going to be hard on them, isn’t it?” he asked, surprising me with the direction of his thoughts.

  “Yes, it will be,” I answered honestly. “And your wife will scream and cry and go through a depression from hell. Then she’ll find a strength she never knew she had.” I looked directly at him. “And she’ll live. For the girls, she’ll live.”

  That seemed to satisfy him for the moment. He nodded and stared out the window. We drove the rest of the way downtown in silence, which gave me unwanted time to think about dream lover. If I was right, his name was Reyes. I had no idea if Reyes was his last name or his first, or where he was from, or where he was now, or any other thing about him, for that matter. But I knew his name was Reyes, and I knew he was beautiful. Unfortunately, he was also dangerous. The one and only time I’d met him was years ago, when we were both in our teens. Our one encounter was full of threats and tension and skin and his lips so close to mine, I could almost taste him. I never saw him again.

  “There it is,” Sussman said, dragging me from my thoughts.

  He’d spotted the crime scene several blocks away. Red and blue lights undulated along buildings, pulsing through the pitch black morning. As we drove closer, the bright spotlights set up for the investigators lit up half a city block. It looked like the sun had risen in that one spot alone. I saw Uncle Bob’s SUV and pulled into a hotel parking lot nearby.

  Before we got out, I turned to Sussman. “Hey, you didn’t happen to see anyone in my apartment, did you?”

  “You mean, besides Mr. Wong?”

  “Yeah. You know, like, a guy?”

  “No. Was somebody else there?”

  “Nah, forget it.”

  I had yet to figure out how Reyes did the magic shower trick. Unless I had the uncanny ability to sleep standing up, he could do more than just enter my dreams.

  After I got out — and Sussman more or less fell out — I looked for Uncle Bob. He stood about forty yards away, a spotlight casting an eerie glow around him as he gave me the evil eye. He’s not even Italian. I’m not sure that’s legal.

  Uncle Bob, or Ubie as I liked to call him — though rarely to his face — is my dad’s brother and a detective for t
he Albuquerque Police Department. I guess he got a life sentence, because my dad was a cop, too, but he retired years ago and bought a bar on Central. My apartment building sits directly behind it. I make a little extra cash occasionally tending bar for him, which brings my current job count to 3.7. I’m a private investigator when I have clients, a bartender when my dad needs me, and technically, I’m on the APD payroll as well. On paper, I’m a consultant. Probably because it sounds important. In real life, I’m the secret to Uncle Bob’s success, just as I was for my dad when he worked APD. My ability rocketed them through promotion after promotion until they both became detectives. It’s amazing how easy it is to solve crimes when you can ask the victims who did it.

  The.7 stemmed from my illustrious career as the grim reaper. While it does take up a significant amount of my time, I never profit from that part of my life. So, I’m still undecided as to whether or not I should call it a job.

  We walked under the police tape at exactly five thirtyish. Uncle Bob was livid but surprisingly stroke-free.

  “It’s almost six,” he said, tapping his watch.

  That’d teach me.

  He wore the same brown suit as the day before, but his jaw was clean shaved, his mustache neatly combed, and he smelled like medium-priced cologne. He pinched my chin and maneuvered my face to get a good look at the bruises.

  “It’s much closer to five thirty,” I argued.

  “I called you over an hour ago. And you need to learn to duck.”

  “You called me at four thirty-four,” I said, swiping at his hand. “I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.”

  Uncle Bob released a long breath and popped the rubber band at his wrist. He’d told me it was part of his anger management program, but how the infliction of pain could possibly help control anger was beyond me. Still, I was always willing to help a surly relative in need.

  I leaned into him. “I could Taser you if you think it’ll help.”

  He slid me the evil eye again, but he did it with a grin, and that made me happy.

  Apparently, the supervisor for the Office of the Medical Investigator had already done his part, so we could walk onto the crime scene. As we did, I ignored the plethora of sideways glances directed my way. The other officers have never understood how I do what I do, how I solve cases so fast, and they look at me with wary suspicion. I guess I can’t blame them. Wait a minute. Yes, I can.

  Just then I noticed Garrett Swopes, aka pain-in-the-ass skiptracer, standing over the body. I rolled my eyes so far back into my head, I almost seized. Not that Garrett wasn’t good at his job. He’d studied under the legendary Frank M. Ahearn, probably the most famous skiptracer in the world. From what I’d heard, thanks to Mr. Ahearn, Garrett could find Hoffa if he put his mind to it.

  He was also easy on the retinas. He had short black hair, wide shoulders, skin like Mayan chocolate, and smoky gray eyes that could capture a girl’s soul if she stared into them long enough.

  Thank God I had the attention span of a gnat.

  If I had to guess, I would say he was only half African-American. The lighter skin tone and gray eyes screamed hybrid. I just didn’t know if his other half was Latino or Anglo. Either way, he had a confident walk and easy smile that turned heads wherever we went. So, looks were certainly not an area he needed to work on.

  No, Garrett was a consummate pain in the ass for other reasons. As I stepped into the light, he looked at the bruises on my jaw and smirked. “Blind date?”

  I did that thing where you scratch your eyebrow and flip someone off at the same time. I’m good at multitasking like that. Garrett just smirked. Again.

  Okay, it wasn’t his fault he was an ass. He used to like me until Uncle Bob, in a drunken stupor, told him our little secret. Naturally, he didn’t believe a word of it. Who would? That was about a month ago, and our friendship took a nosedive from barely there to nonexistent. He’s pretty much slotted me for the loony bin. And Uncle Bob, too, for believing I can actually see the departed. Some people have no imagination.

  “What are you doing here, Swopes?” I asked, a little more than annoyed that I had to deal with him.

  “I thought this might be one of my skips.”

  “Is it?”

  “Not unless meth heads wear three-piece suits and fifteen-hundred-dollar Crisci loafers.”

  “That’s too bad. I’m sure it’s much easier to collect your fee when the skip is dead.”

  Garrett shrugged, semi-agreeing.

  “Actually,” Uncle Bob said, “I asked him to stick around, you know, for an extra set of eyes.”

  I was doing my darnedest to keep my own eyes off the body — dead people I could handle, dead bodies not so much — but a movement in my periphery had me zeroing in on that very thing.

  “So, are you getting anything?” Uncle Bob asked — he still thinks I’m psychic — but I was too busy staring at the dead guy in the dead body to answer.

  I inched over and nudged the body with my foot. “Dude, what are you still doing in there?”

  The dead guy looked at me with wide eyes. “I can’t move my legs.”

  I snorted. “You can’t move your arms either, or your feet or your freaking eyelids. You’re dead.”

  “Jesus H.,” Garrett said through clenched teeth.

  “Look.” I turned to face him head-on. “You play on your side of the sandbox, and I’ll play on mine. Comprende?”

  “I’m not dead.”

  I turned back. “Hon, you’re as dead as my great-aunt Lillian, and trust me, that woman is now in a perpetual state of decomposition.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m not dead. Why isn’t anyone trying to revive me?”

  “Um, because you’re dead?”

  I heard Garrett mutter something under his breath, then stalk off. Nonbelievers were such drama queens.

  “Okay, fine, if I’m dead, how am I talking to you? And why are you so sparkly?”

  “It’s a long story. Just trust me, mister, you’re dead.”

  Just then, Sergeant Dwight walked up, all crisp and formal looking in his APD uniform and military buzz. “Ms. Davidson, did you just kick that dead body?”

  “For heaven’s sake, I’m not dead!”

  “No.”

  Sergeant Dwight tried his hand at a death stare. I tried not to giggle.

  “I got this, Sergeant,” Uncle Bob said.

  The sarge turned to him, and they eyed each other a full minute before he spoke. “Would you mind not contaminating my crime scene with your relatives?”

  “Your crime scene?” Uncle Bob asked. A vein in his temple started pulsing.

  I considered popping the rubber band at his wrist, but I still had doubts as to its efficacy. “Hey, Uncle Bob,” I said, patting his arm, “let’s go over here and talk, shall we?”

  I turned and left without waiting, hoping Uncle Bob would follow. He did. We strolled past the spotlights to a tree and assumed innocuous conversational positions. I tossed a smile to Sergeant Dwight Yokel that leaned heavily toward smart-ass. I think he growled. Good thing I wasn’t into people-pleasing.

  “Well?” Uncle Bob asked as Garrett reluctantly rejoined us.

  “I don’t know. He won’t get out of his body.”

  “He what?” Garrett raked a hand through his hair. “This is classic.”

  I ignored him and watched as Sussman walked over to a third dead person on the scene, a striking woman with blond hair and a fire engine red skirt suit. She screamed femininity and power. I liked her instantly. Sussman shook her hand. Then they both turned to look at the only dead person present lying in a pool of his own blood.

  “I think they know each other,” I said.

  “Who?” Uncle Bob asked, glancing around as if he could see them.

  “You got an ID on this guy?”

  “Yeah.” He fished out his notebook, reminding me I needed to dash into Staples. All my little
notebooks were filled to maximum capacity. As a result, I kept writing pertinent information on my hand, then accidentally washing it off. “Jason Barber. A lawyer at—”

  “Sussman, Ellery, and Barber,” Sussman said in unison with Uncle Bob.

  “You’re a lawyer?” I asked him.

  “Sure am. And this is my partner, Elizabeth Ellery.”

  “Hey, Elizabeth,” I said, reaching out to shake her hand. Garrett pinched the rim of his nose.

  “Ms. Davidson, Patrick told me you can see us.”

  “Yep.”

  “How—?”

  “Long story. But first,” I said, heading off the barrage of questions, “let me get this straight: You are all three partners at the same law firm, and you all three died last night?”

  “Who else died last night?” Uncle Bob asked, tearing through his notebook.

  “We were all three murdered last night,” Sussman corrected. “All nine-millimeter double taps to the head.”

  Elizabeth raised her perfectly arched brows at him. “Double taps?”

  He smiled sheepishly and tried to kick the dirt at his feet. “I heard the cops talking.”

  “I only got two homicides.”

  I looked up at Uncle Bob. “You have only two homicides from last night? There were three.”

  Garrett went still, probably wondering what I was up to, how I could know any such thing since I couldn’t possibly see dead people, so dead people couldn’t possibly tell me they were dead. It just wasn’t possible.

  Uncle Bob studied his notebook. “We got a Patrick Sussman found outside his home in the Mountain Run area, and this guy, a Jason Barber.”

  “Okay, here with us now is Patrick Sussman … the Third,” I said, tossing Sussman a grin, “and Jason Barber. But he’s in denial right now.” I looked over as the coroner zipped the body bag.

  “Help!” Barber yelled, squirming like a worm in a frying pan, “I can’t breathe!”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” I whispered loudly. “Would you just get up?”

  “And?” Uncle Bob asked.