The Immolation of Eve
Page 25
I gazed at her. She hadn’t even asked me what had happened yet. She wasn’t surprised at the state I was in. I opened my mouth to ask why and paused, unsure how to put it. She’d seen my hesitation and it made her smile.
‘You don’t need to explain anything to me,’ she said. ‘I lived with Adela long enough to learn that whatever questions I asked would never really be answered. She would disappear sometimes. It might be for hours or it might be days. I learned to accept it and not press her for an explanation. I worried about her terribly and when she came back she always seemed, well, different. After a while she would be back to her normal self. It was something we never spoke of,’ I couldn’t meet her eyes and walked to the window instead.
‘You may not be related to Adela, Eve, but you are the closest thing I have to her. I want you to stay. It feels as if you belong here.’ I nodded, knowing tears would choke me if I tried to speak. ‘Good,’ she said. ‘Take today to rest but you dine with me tonight. Tomorrow we rehearse; opening night is closer than you will believe. Tomorrow afternoon I will have my driver take you to James.’ She left, very quietly. She was an extraordinary woman who had never let herself be beaten. I put my shoulders back and took courage from her example. I showered and tidied, washed clothes and read my script. In the evening I went to Sabina’s to eat and by tacit agreement we talked trivia until I was tired enough to go straight to bed. When Perun’s face entered my dreams I thought of my mother and the love in her eyes and was grateful that at last I’d found her. When I could feel Ellette’s body shaking to death in my arms I thought of the goodness of Zora and told myself that the sacrifice was worth it.
I did as Sabina had told me. Each day I went to the theatre. Xander was as good a friend as he could have been. I emailed Naomi and kept her up to date with what was happening. We agreed to avoid the subject of Nate, talking about weddings and the play and her cases. I spent my late afternoons holding James’s hand, rehearsing my lines and telling him the gossip from the theatre. Within days I didn’t need Sabina’s driver any more and was back on my bike. I enjoyed the long periods of driving to and from Modesto, about two hours from Carmel. I did my best to pretend that the world was as simple and normal as I had imagined it to be before that fateful trip to Krakow. I carried on.
About a week before opening night I was at James’s bedside, reading the newspaper when I felt his hand pulling at mine. I leaned forward with my heart in my mouth not daring to hope that this could be the moment I’d been dreaming of. Then he opened his eyes. It should sound more dramatic than that but it wasn’t. It was calm and peaceful. He looked at me and smiled. I just sat there grinning back at him. I didn’t cry or shout or jump up and call for doctors. I just wanted it to last forever, that little piece of quiet and the wonder of seeing him watching me, holding my hand in his.
‘You have to go,’ he said.
I looked at his hand in mine and bent my head to kiss it. I didn’t want to meet his eyes. I already knew the determination I would see there.
‘You’ve seen what the Perelesnyk can do. We’ve been through too much to doubt it. I’m cursed Eve. Every minute I spend with you I fall deeper and deeper...’ I sobbed and covered my mouth.
‘What will you do?’ I said.
‘Travel, I think. Maybe I’ll go to Europe, I always wanted to. Say you understand.’ I did but that didn’t make it any more bearable.
‘Will I see you again?’ I was clutching his hand so hard it was turning white.
‘I don’t know. But not while I still feel like this. Losing you would be...’ he stopped speaking and I leaned over to hug him one last time so that he didn’t need to find the words. Then I did the only thing I could for the man I’d fallen so completely in love with. I tucked my newspaper under my arm and slipped on my jacket.
‘Probably just as well,’ I said. ‘I always found you infuriating. And I’m busy with the play, you know what a task master Sabina can be.’ He smiled and the sight was so wonderful that it made my heart twist with agony. ‘At least I won’t have to worry about you spying on me when I’m standing at my window naked any more.’ He laughed out loud at that and I walked to the door before I lost my resolve. ‘If this is it, if this is all we can ever have, then it was still worth it. Goodbye James.’ I grasped the handle of the door, steeled myself and left. I didn’t pause once although every step felt as if I had been ripped in two. I climbed on the bike and drove. I concentrated on each road sign, every speed limit and all the other vehicles until I got myself home. I knew better than to go to my house and be alone so I walked straight to Sabina. I was pleased to see that Daniel was visiting again and the two of them seemed perfectly happy in each other’s company. If nothing else then my coming here has brought two lonely souls together, I thought, even if it’s taken them a lifetime. It made me long for a future with James, with the prospect of growing old together.
‘James is awake,’ I said. ‘He’s going to be fine. He doesn’t need me anymore so I can stop visiting the hospital now.’ She put down her tea cup and stared at my face.
‘We were just about to walk down to the horses. Will you join us?’ Daniel offered her his arm and we stepped outside. ‘Is Naomi going to make it over for the opening night? I have some more recipes for her, I’ve been going through the boxes I’ve had in the attic for years. And Daniel hasn’t met her yet, have you darling? I think they’ll get on terribly well.’
She talked endlessly as we walked to the paddocks. I nodded in all the right places and kept my face interested as she and Daniel entertained me for the next hour. When I finally made my way along the path to my house I stood at the base of the tree where I’d seen James looking up at my window. I cried for a future I had lost before I got a chance to find out if it was even real. I wept for the sister I had been given so little time with; a mother I hadn’t been able to hold in my arms and a man whose pain I couldn’t take away. I wept, as sorry for myself as it was possible for a person to be, and then swore that those would be the last tears I would cry. I’d had enough pain to last a lifetime.
When opening night came it was the first time I’d felt any emotion other than sadness in a long time. Nerves caught in my throat every time I tried to speak and Xander looked more terrified every time he saw me.
‘It’s good to feel nervous,’ he said, more for his own sake than mine. ‘You’ll be fine, you’ll be amazing actually. Please tell me you can speak.’ I couldn’t so I just nodded at him. ‘God help us,’ he muttered under his breath. The auditorium was packed. It was a balmy, clear night and everyone who was anyone was there. Naomi had come over with her fiancé Tim although I suspected that was just adding to my nervousness. Sabina had been keeping herself out of the way so we could all focus on the job in hand but with ten minutes to go she appeared.
‘You were made for this,’ she said. ‘You just have first night nerves. The instant you get out there you’ll be fine. I believe in you.’ She paused a moment. ‘I have a present to give you,’ she said. ‘I was going to wait until later but you need something to take your mind off all the people out there.’ She put a heavy cardboard box into my arms. I opened it and could just make out piles of different sizes and colours of notebooks and old diaries. I put the box down on the dressing table.
‘What is this?’ I asked.
‘They are Adela’s journals,’ she said. ‘As long as I can remember she kept a diary. I found the box when I was going through the attic for the recipes for Naomi. I would have given it to you before but, forgive me for this, I didn’t want you distracted or disappearing again before the play opened. I hope that whatever you find brings you some peace. Break a leg my darling.’ She disappeared out of the door and I stared at the box, not daring to touch it. Jake poked his head round my door to announce five minutes to curtain up. I ran my hand over the dusty cardboard and my nerves dissipated.
When I walked onto the stage I was struck by how silent it was. For a second I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, proje
ct my voice and become Katharina and let the audience lose themselves in the play. Then I caught sight of a face in the front row, only partly visible because of the brightness of the lights, but I could make out the eyes and that was all I needed. He leaned forward just enough so that I could see his smile and as I said my first line I felt his warmth give me the courage to go on.
James’ farewell appearance was like a blessing. I kept my promise to myself and didn’t weep again. I’d had one more chance to see him and it was a gift not to be spoiled by tears. The play had gone as well as I could have imagined. Sabina was called on to the stage by the audience who stood in appreciation of her talents. At the end Xander hugged me, kissed me and spun me round until I begged him to stop.
I didn’t try to find James afterwards; it would have been futile anyway but more than that it would have ruined the moment. It felt like a split second, the duration of that opening night, knowing James was there watching me, willing me to succeed. When we went to take our curtain call I was able to look him right in the eye. It was enough to make everything perfect for that night.
And now? Well, I have Adela’s diaries to read. I have this extraordinary theatre to come to for the next three months and after that who knows? I have a lifetime to wait and see if the man I love can find a way back to me. Some time, when I can bear it, there is Manitu and my mother waiting. I don’t know if I can go there without James by my side but I know that there are people waiting who might still need me.
I picked up Sabina’s box and put it into the back of the limousine that had come to collect us. As much as I wanted to race home and start reading, I had a party to go to and I felt as if I’d earned some celebrating. There had been enough sacrifices made. I took Sabina’s hand and together we beamed into the flashing cameras as the press shouted our names. For the first time in a very long time I did nothing but enjoy the moment. Tomorrow could wait.
Table of Contents
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-one
Twenty-two
Twenty-three