Say It Again

by S. Moose

  “Because you lied before! Because people always leave! Because I’m a damn doormat and no one will love me. I gave you all of me. ALL OF ME!” she screams and gets up from the couch. “You need to leave now. Don’t ever talk to me again. I’m done giving you chances.”

  In a short amount of time, this woman standing before me is holding my heart in her hands. She’s my world and I’m fighting like hell to keep her in my life.

  “I will do anything to get you to understand my love for you. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you ahead of time. But, baby, you are it for me. It’s you.”

  “I know I’m no one special, but I deserve love and happiness.”

  “You are someone special! You are fucking perfect. I will give you love and happiness.”

  “No, Jacob. You give me heartache and tears. You’re a monster. A monster that steals happiness, and craves the stolen emotion. You crave the pain you inflict and watch the ones in pain with glee in your eyes.”

  “I’m not a monster, Cameron. Please, you don’t believe that.”

  “I do.” She nods her head and looks away. “Leave me alone. Please just go. I have nothing to say to you.”

  I’m not getting anywhere with her. Standing up, I press my lips to her bare neck and feel her shoulders tense. I stay for a moment and hear her sniffle. Wrapping my arms around her body, she quickly pulls away and doesn’t look at me.

  “I love you, Cameron.”

  HER WORDS ARE playing over and over in my head. The dark amber liquid stares at me, waiting for me to pick up the glass, and drink it all in one gulp. Picking up the glass, I swirl the liquid, hearing the clanking of the three ice cubes, and bring the tumbler to my lips. Shooting it back in a quick move, I slam the glass down and stare at the empty glass holding the poison that’s taking away memories of Cameron. Memories of her soft skin. Memories of feeling her body against mine, and hearing her tell me she loves me.

  “Monster,” I mutter and repeat. I let carelessness get the best of me and now I’ve lost the best thing that’s happened to me. I understand her anger and reasons for breaking up with me, but fuck, if she’d only listen and realize I’m not cheating on her. “Fuck,” I yell and throw the glass against the bare beige wall in my living room. The glass immediately shatters, broken pieces scatter on the floor, and I don’t give a shit.

  The door opens and I don’t bother to look. At this point, I couldn’t care less. It’s been five days without Cameron. Five fucking days.

  Every text goes unread. Every phone call goes right to voicemail.

  The couch sinks a little and I feel an arm around my shoulders. “No more throwing glasses against the wall,” I recognize the voice as Cooper’s and I don’t respond.

  “You need to get it together man,” and that voice belongs to Aiden’s. “Your mom called me and said Carter’s been over there for five days and you haven’t called him. Mind telling us what the fuck’s wrong?”

  I scoff. “Everything,” I drunkenly slur. “Cameron won’t talk to me.”

  “She won’t talk to anyone,” Cooper says. “She’s been at a hotel. She left yesterday for New York City.”

  I turn to look at Cooper. “How is she? Is she okay?”

  Cooper shrugs his shoulders and softens his tone. “She’s hurting just like you are.”

  “Then why the fuck won’t she talk to me?” I scream again and launch off the couch. Pulling at my hair I pace the living room floor. “Does she fucking hate me?” Is she capable of hating me? The look in her eyes when I saw her on the couch stays with me. It’s forever engraved in my mind. My Cameron, the love of my life, thinks I would hurt her. That’s so far from the truth.

  “Calm down,” Aiden says and I turn around and punch him in the face. “Okay,” he recovers and massages his chin. “Listen, asshole. You have a damn son who is worried about his dad. Get your shit together. It’s not the end of the world. You and Cameron will work this out and then you’ll be fine. Stop getting drunk and making a fucking fool of yourself. Do you want Brenda to come and take Carter away?”

  I crumble and lean against the wall, my head buried in my hands. I can’t lose Carter and I know I’ve lost Cameron forever. She’ll never forgive me or see that I’m telling her the truth.

  Cooper sits down next to me and Aiden kneels down in front of me. I have two friends, two fucking great friends, here looking out for me while I drown in my own pity.

  “How am I going to get over her?”

  “You just will,” Aiden says with sincerity in his voice. “Sometimes you have to let love go to know if it’s real. If she truly loves you and the both of you are meant to be, then she’ll come back.”

  “She’s a bird,” Cooper adds. “She’s flying away for now, but when she’s ready, she’ll fly home.”

  Carter’s gone for the day with my parents and his friends to Darien Lake. It’s a nice day out and he’s been anxious to go to the water park. With all the days I took off from work, I’m behind and need to get reports done by the end of the week. Staring at my computer, I make a few final changes and email the report to my manager. Not stopping to rest, I tackle the next assignment. Keeping busy is the only thing I know how to do to keep my mind off Cameron. I disabled my Facebook and haven’t asked about her. Carter’s my main focus again. The out of control spiral of losing Cameron sucked me into something dark and the only person I was hurting was the one person I promised to never hurt . . . Carter.

  I’ve accepted Cameron and I may or may not get back together. I’ll always love her and want the best for her. She deserves the best. She deserves to smile and be happy. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I know she’ll be okay.

  Pulling up an email from my boss, I quickly read it.

  Jacob-

  Tony and I had a conference. He wants you to relocate to Chicago and have your home base be in his office. You’ve been working for him for years and I think this’ll be a good move for you. I’ve attached the benefits and offer letter in case you want to accept.

  I’d consider it if I were you.

  Talk soon,

  Ivan

  I LOVE YOU.

  I love you.

  I love you.

  Those words play in my head. No matter what I’m doing or where I am, I hear Jacob’s voice in my head. We haven’t talked in days and I’m currently in New York City with Shayna and Simon, a member of my team, as we’re wrapping up with our clients. My job is to handle multi-million dollar accounts and ensure our clients are happy. I’m to maintain their accounts, look through each account so that everything is correct and nothing is out of the normal, and also follow up with clients to see how they’re doing. I have a good eye with numbers and I’m good at what I do.

  “Cameron.”

  I turn around and see Simon walking toward me with a coffee in his hand. “Good morning, Simon. How are you?”

  Simon’s in his mid-thirties and very attractive. He’s sweet with his caring personality, warm gray eyes, clean-shaven, and semi-muscular body. Not like Jacob’s.

  Ugh. Get him out of your head! Now!

  “I’m doing well. And yourself?”

  “Same.” He hands me the coffee. “This is for you. Nonfat vanilla latte.”

  “How did you know my order?”

  “Okay, don’t freak out.” He laughs and leans against the table. “I was behind you at Starbucks and heard you order.”

  “Oh.” I give him a polite smile. “Thank you so much. This was very thoughtful of you.”

  “Shall we head to the meeting?” I nod and we walk in, sitting next to Shayna. Taking out my notebook, I look through my purse for a pen. After a few moments, I notice Simon sliding one over to me.

  “Here, I always bring extra.”

  “Thank you, Simon.”

  The meeting goes on for over two hours. We get everything we need from the clients and give them a new understanding that sending over information we need two days before a deadline is
unacceptable. Shayna lets me take over the meeting and with my fiery attitude, I’m confident my point was made and understood.

  We’re on the way back to the hotel in the limo. I’m looking outside and all I can think about is Carter and how much he’d love being here in New York City. We’d take him to the park and check out the sites. I can picture him now.

  “Cameron?”

  “Yes, Shayna.”

  “Is everything okay?” my boss asks me with sincerity and concern in her voice. I need to get over what’s going on in my life and move on. I can’t mess up with my position.

  “Of course. Why do you ask?”

  “I’ve been talking for a few minutes and you’re in la la land.”

  I blush from embarrassment. I need to focus and get Carter and Jacob out of my head. “My apologies. What were you saying?”

  “I just got an email from our clients and they’re impressed with you. I’ll need you to come back in a few weeks with Simon to make sure everything’s going well.”

  “Okay. Let me know the details and I’ll be there.”

  “Perfect.” Shayna smiles and types a message into her phone.

  When I know the conversation’s over, I take out my phone and see a few messages from Grace.

  Grace: How’s NYC??

  Grace: When do you come home?

  Grace: I saw Jacob today. I know you don’t want to hear about him or even hear his name. He’s a mess. And I know you’re a mess too. Throwing yourself into work isn’t going to make the pain go away.

  Me: I love you, but please stop. I don’t want to know about him. I’m working because this is a great opportunity and I need to focus. I’m sorry your brother’s in pain.

  Grace: I just want you to be okay.

  Me: I’ll be fine. If you can pick me up tomorrow at 5 p.m. that’ll be great.

  Grace: Ok. I miss you!

  Me: I miss you too.

  Putting away my phone I notice Simon looking at me. I don’t feel like talking, so I look away and wait until we’re back at the hotel. Shayna wants us to go out for dinner, but I’m not feeling all that great, so instead of enjoying a sushi dinner, I’ll be in my hotel room trying to figure out how I’m going to feel when I’m back there.

  The limo drops us off at our hotel, The Ritz-Carlton. Shayna and Simon ask me again if I want to join them for dinner and I decline.

  “If you change your mind text me.” Simon smiles and reaches to touch my hand, giving it a squeeze.

  “Thank you, Simon, I will.” I smile back and take my hand back. I know he’s just trying to be nice.

  I get to my room and notice there’s a message on the phone. Picking up the receiver, it’s from the front desk so I give them a call.

  “Good evening, Ms. Pratt. We’re holding a delivery for you.”

  “Oh. Okay. You can send it up.”

  “Of course.”

  “Thank you.” I hang up and wonder who would send me something. When there’s a knock on the door, I grab some cash from my purse and open the door to a bouquet of beautiful flowers staring right at me.

  “Ms. Pratt?”

  “Yes. Thank you so much.” I take the flowers and hand the cash to the bellhop. Closing the door, I place the flowers on the table and back away. I know exactly who sent these and all I want to do is burn the arrangement. Noticing the card, I lean against the wall and have a staring contest with the damn thing. I know it’s going to say something along the lines of I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I miss you. I want you back. I love you. And knowing how I feel and how much I miss him I’m going to pick up my phone, text him, and then we’re going to talk about getting back together.

  This is why I’ve stayed away from him. I haven’t been staying at Grace’s house. Instead, I’ve been staying at a hotel near work and spending all my time there and in the hotel.

  The suspense is killing me. I pick up the card, sit on the bed and read it. To my surprise, I’m wrong about everything.

  FIFTEEN DAYS.

  Fifteen days without seeing her.

  Fifteen days without hearing her voice.

  Fifteen days without feeling her near me.

  Fifteen fucking days.

  I’m sitting on Cooper’s boat while Carter’s swimming with Aiden, Cooper, and Grace. We’re spending the day on the lake since it’s a nice day out, and September’s approaching so we’re spending each day keeping busy. I remember being out here with Cameron. My heart aches when I think about her and remember how she made me feel. I understand why she left, but I fucking hate knowing she wouldn’t believe me. If she didn’t listen to me when she left I wasn’t sure what else to do. I think about her all the time and it pisses me off when she walked away from me . . . from Carter . . . from us.

  Doesn’t she realize how much she means to me? Doesn’t she know I’d do anything for her? She’s my everything and because she’s blind by what she thinks she saw, everything we’ve built is gone.

  The warmth of the sun hits across my face and I lean back with my beer, thinking about my life. I have everything I need, except Cameron. She’s the only one I’m thinking about and the only woman I want. But, I’m not sure our love can conquer this obstacle. She has her walls so high around her heart that it’s blinding her from what’s meant to be. All she sees is the hurt I’ve inflicted and regardless of what I say, nothing will make her realize I’m telling her the truth and the paparazzi twisted the story. Miranda and I aren’t together.

  I’d never been hurt before Cameron, and now, I know for sure this hurt isn’t going away until she’s back.

  But, how?

  “Give her time.” I look up and see Cooper grabbing a beer and sitting down across from me.

  “You said that before.”

  “And I was right. You gave her time and she came to you. I get it and I understand how you feel. Cameron’s really special. She also has a lot of trust issues. I don’t know if she told you, but this one guy she dated had pictures of Cameron. I guess she sent him a Snapchat of herself topless, in her panties, and he screenshotted it without her knowing. It was stupid and she knew she messed up. He told her it was deleted but he lied. That picture went around campus and she was almost kicked out of the sorority. That was the last guy she dated. She’s been hurt a lot, man. And when she saw you with Miranda, she jumped to conclusions. In her mind, you did her wrong.”

  “I get it. I read the article and saw what they aired. It sucks. Miranda and I are old friends. That’s it. Cameron won’t listen to me. She thinks everything I’ve said is a lie. I should’ve told her I was meeting Miranda for lunch. I didn’t think about it until after the fact, and then that shit airs. She didn’t give me a chance to explain.”

  “That’s Cameron for you.” Cooper takes a drink of his beer and leans forward on his elbows. “Give her time.”

  “Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be waiting,” I admit. Hearing it out loud sucks. I have to protect Carter and my heart. If Cameron’s going to run away when it gets hard without talking to me, then what’s the point. I still love her and I still feel the pain of her leaving me, but the only person that matters is Carter and he needs to always be first. “I have a job offer in Chicago, and I might take it.”

  “Chicago? Are you going to leave because of Cameron?”

  “It’ll be a good move for me and a new start for Carter and me.”

  Cooper stares at me and I know what he’s going to say. “You’re going to uproot Carter and move for your own selfish reasons.”

  “No.” I bite out. “I’m considering this move so I can give him the best life. Nothing else matters, just him.”

  Later that night, Carter’s getting into bed and looks at me. “Daddy?”

  “Yeah, buddy.”

  “Are you okay?” He looks at me with his big blue eyes and I’m not sure where to start.

  “Cameron and I broke up, buddy, and I need to focus on you again.”

  “Oh,” he says and looks down. “I miss her.”
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  “Me too.”

  “I didn’t feel like you lost focus on me, Daddy. You’re the best dad and I love you.”

  Fuck. My son is amazing. “I love you too, buddy. Goodnight.”

  “Night.”

  Walking out of his room, I head downstairs and see Aiden and Cooper sitting on the couch with beers waiting.

  “Come on. Sit down, have some beers, and relax.”

  As soon as I sit down with a beer, I look at my two friends and am grateful they’re here.

  “Have you talked to her?” Aiden asks.

  I take in a sharp breath and shake my head. Opening and tossing the beer cap on the table, I take a long drink and shake away Cameron’s memory.

  “So were you going to tell anyone about Chicago?” Aiden asks me and I look at Cooper, who looks the other way and starts whistling.

  “It’s something I’m considering.”

  “No, you aren’t. You know damn well you’re running away and you think this’ll help you.” Aiden shakes his head and laughs. “This isn’t going to solve anything. Cooper’s right. If you move, you’re a selfish prick. Think about Carter.”

  “I fucking am,” I tell both of them and get up, pacing the room, trying to think of any good reason to move. I have a good job here and more money than I could ask for. “It’ll be a new start for us.”

  “You’re lying to yourself and you’re only going to hurt Carter.” Aiden looks at me and I get what he’s saying.

  “Bullshit. Fucking bullshit,” Cooper says. “You two are meant for each other. I swear she needs to get her head out of her ass. Whenever you’re together, we all feel the love between you two. And you have that look.”

  “Look?”

  “You know that look that says you’re in love and you found someone to spend your life with.”

  Aiden looks at Cooper with a confused expression. “Who the fuck are you? How the hell do you know that?”

  “Oh I know,” he grins and continues. “I know Cameron and she was the happiest she’s ever been.”

  “I bought an engagement ring,” I admit and take another drink. “Yep. A fucking ring and no girlfriend.”