“I think it should be me!” Ethan proclaimed, sounding conceited as ever.
“Way to be humble!” A boy behind me hollered sarcastically.
“Well, if you guys don’t want me to try and lead this camp onto better days, I completely understand.” His tone was cold. “If anyone has any objections to my leadership, I suggest that they speak up now.”
I felt the desperate urge to scream try and roar out of my throat, but I couldn’t manage to get the words out. He thinks he can just kill John, and then assume power the next morning?! The anger seethed through me, and I could just picture the two veins inevitably bulging out of my forehead pulsing with fury.
Hunter turned toward me and whispered in my ear, “Natalie, what the hell is happening?”
“I don’t even fucking know anymore.” I shook my head, starting to feel done with life, which, not surprisingly, happened a lot. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything except stare out into the crisp, blue sky, letting the thoughts soak into my brain, and our uncertain future tighten the muscles of my already tense body.
Besides the low chatter of a few of the people in the crowd, there were no sharp cries or screams in objection. Seemingly, we had a new a leader. I gulped as Ethan opened his mouth to speak. Great, he is our new leader, just great. I could feel a surge of panic course through me, even though I should have been elated. It wasn’t even the fact that he killed John that bothered me anymore, it was the overwhelming feeling in my gut, that somehow, he would kill again.
“I am now the leader of this camp,” Ethan abruptly stated. There was a crazed look in his eyes, and I could see him fidgeting with his hands wildly. “And now it’s time for me to uncover the truth that John buried! It’s time for us to finally get back everything the government took away from us!”
I could tell by the look on Ethan’s face that he was expecting an emphatic response in reply; however, he stopped at the flustered look on most people’s faces in the crowd. There was an extremely awkward silence, as everyone quietly listened, anticipating Ethan to continue, and Ethan quietly stood atop the table waiting for an uproar from the audience.
Oh no, this is a mess. I felt like bursting out laughing at the pathetic display of leadership from Ethan. What a great way to kick things off!
People began to whisper to each other, confused, as everyone turned toward Ethan, who stood atop the table unmoving. I could see his eyes darting around wildly, but he wasn’t looking at the crowd; he was staring into himself. Minute particles of dirt began to spew throughout the air, as a weak gust of wind resonated over the camp. The fabric of the tents began to crest with the wind, as the voices began to grow louder and louder until everything began to buzz in my ear.
I felt Hunter’s soft hand touch mine.
“Natalie, what is happening?”
“I’m not quite sure.”
I glanced around as the people began to disperse, most probably headed back to sleep. I could hear a few people chuckling as they walked by; no one was crazy enough to take Ethan seriously. Most probably still thought John was sleeping, or that he had just left the camp to run an errand. No one knew the truth; no one knew that, in reality, John had left this world for good.
Ethan hastily stepped off the table and his eyes suddenly locked on to us. I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my cheek as the hot, dry air began to suck more of the moisture from my body.
Hunter glanced at me, confused, as Ethan clearly walked with a purpose toward us.
“Dude, I have no clue.” I sighed, using all the strength I had left in me to not start screaming hysterically at Ethan.
Everyone makes mistakes. The thought crossed through my mind, as I battled with trying to forgive Ethan or scream at him. At the moment, my body was stuck in a sort of limbo, where it danced between being completely disgusted with Ethan as a human being, or just letting the fact that he murdered someone go. Come on, you’ve known the guy for years. You know him well. You know he is a good guy, right?
He neared closer, and I could see his eyes grow wide with excitement. Hunter glared at me, startled. His eyebrows raised in this oddly cute way as I felt his hand hold onto mine even tighter. His gray and red t-shirt reflected the ominous, panicked look in his eyes.
“You guys gotta follow me.” Ethan grabbed onto my other arm and practically pulled it out of its socket as he urged us to follow him.
“Whoa, man.” Hunter stepped in front of Ethan, and I could see the frustration and confusion radiating off Hunter’s tense body. “This is not cool. You gotta tell us what’s happening before we do anything.”
“What do you mean?” Ethan stared at him blankly.
“Like what the hell happened to John. How do you know that he just left?” Hunter paused, still trying to figure him out. “Or what about you just taking power of this damn place? You can’t just do that.”
“Look, Hunter.” Ethan continued to hastily walk toward John’s office-like shack. “None of that matters.”
“Ethan, what the hell are you talking about?”
He killed someone. Fucking murdered them! How can he even be talking? How is he still walking without collapsing under the burden of his grief?
I could just imagine how I would feel if I’d killed an innocent man out of an ignorant rage. I don’t think I would be able to live with myself. The burden of the sorrow and regret would eventually corrode my brain, and my body would grow numb from the pain of knowing that I did it. But at the same time, maybe that kind of pain would be better than this. At least, at that point, you have something. Even if it’s all just anger, sorrow, and disappointment, at least you get to live with something. At least you don’t have to live hopeless and empty, with your body constantly starving for the company of anything to make it feel good again. At least, maybe I could find comfort, and maybe even happiness amidst the darkness, instead of being surrounded in a huge pit of nothingness.
“We finally got it!” Ethan shouted.
Hunter and I both glanced at each other, perplexed, as the smile on Ethan’s face showed off his slightly yellow, straight teeth. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Dulce suddenly appeared and began to observe our conversation inquisitively.
“We finally have the opportunity we have been waiting for! We finally have a chance to get answers, and maybe even get everything back!” Ethan’s ecstatic voice sliced through the dry, hot mountain air, and reverberated in my ears. I stood frozen, my mind not even wanting to begin to predict what he might possibly have to tell us. My mind flashed back to the night before, and the livid, desperate expression strewn across Ethan’s face. Opportunities that could make everything better . . .
“Ethan, what opportunity?” Hunter now sounded agitated.
“The one we have been waiting for.”
The shock and excitement in his voice sent chills down my spine. I could feel my body tense up, immediately rejecting the radical idea that things could somehow get better. I couldn’t say I’d accepted my miserable existence, but I’d learned to stop incessantly longing for better. Frankly, it was a living hell to consume your every thought and every action with trying to get back what might already be gone forever, and to try and experience the blissful emotions of true happiness one last time. So instead, I tried to forget. Instead, I tried to push it all behind me, and tell myself that I would one day grow to be content with this life. But I knew in my heart that it was impossible. I knew in my heart, that no matter what, I couldn’t forget. And in that moment, with the blue sky above and the rotting infrastructure of the camp on the verge of completely succumbing to the natural elements, I felt more trapped in that hell on earth than ever.
“I don’t have time for these games. Just tell us,” Hunter snapped.
“Come in here and sit down,” Ethan replied. There was a gleam to his eyes, that almost burned to look at. He barged open the door to the office, and motioned for us to follow him inside. “I have something to show you that will change all our lives forever.”
>
My body suddenly loosened up, and my mind pulled itself out of the haze it was surrounded in. Well, that’s a great way to get someone’s attention. Just from the sheer emotion behind his words, I could feel a surge of adrenaline course through my veins. My heart rate even began to pick up, as I took a deep breath, starting to let some of the anxiety always present inside me, cascade out of my airways.
“I found something on John’s computer. Something big.” Ethan sat down at the pine desk that was empty except for the bulky laptop on it, probably made around thirty years ago. I didn’t notice the bloodshot look to his eyes until he turned the computer on and the blue light from the screen reflected off them.
Ethan began clicking around on the mouse pad, and then he suddenly stopped and turned the laptop toward us. Even with the brightness of the screen turned down low, I had to squint just to look at it due to the ominous blackness that enveloped John’s office. With the door closed, the place seemed like a rustic cavern, with its rotting wood beams holding up the dark fabric. But I could feel a cold sensation trickle down my spine as the overwhelming warmth of death, and the coldness of the darkness began to sink into the pores on my skin.
“I was right.” There was a strange tinge to his face, as a mad cackle emanated from his throat. “He was hiding stuff from us!”
There was an initial burst of excitement inside of me, as my eyes began to process what was on the screen. But then the feeling of abhorrence overwhelmed the excitement as I looked up into Ethan’s bloodshot eyes, and could see no sign of remorse or sadness beneath the layers of anger, paranoia, and excitement bubbling out of him.
“Holy crap.” Hunter was in awe. All the muscles in his face went numb, as the shock coursed through his body.
“Yeah, this is, like, crazy.” Ethan’s body practically twitched with excitement. “So I guess this rebel group called the Retributioners, they want our help. They seem to be led by Danielle Walker.”
“Whoa,” I interrupted, my mind spinning with thoughts and the flurry of emotions inside of me.
“Yeah, no, this is serious.” The energy radiated off Ethan’s skin and it managed to seep its way into my body. “I can’t even believe it. Danielle Walker, President Ash’s ex-wife, is starting a rebellion against the government! It seems almost impossible, but its right there in front of us.”
I started to shake my head, actually my entire body started to vibrate, as my mind went into denial that this could be happening to me.
“Shit, Ethan.” Hunter looked at the email on the screen and then back at Ethan. “When did you have time to find this?”
“Last night,” Ethan responded flatly.
Hunter eyed him suspiciously. Ethan sighed, giving way to a sliver of the anxiety and regret harbored inside of him. I could feel the darkness restrict itself around my neck as I took a deep breath, wondering if Ethan was about to spill the truth to the both of us.
“So I was lying when I told the camp that John just left in the middle of the night.” Ethan paused, and I wiped my now sweaty palms against my black nylon shorts. “I actually came here to this computer, while he was sleeping, and began to search for the answers―or at least something that I knew he was inevitably hiding from us.” There was a glassy look to Ethan’s eyes; I thought for a split second that maybe the thin film holding back the emotions from spilling out of his dark-brown eyes would rupture, but instead it held as strong as ever.
“But when John came in here and found me on his computer,” Ethan continued, “I immediately told him that I knew what he was hiding from us, and I threatened to tell the rest of the camp.” I could see his mind racing behind his eyes that darted around the room. “I tried to stop him, but after he found out that I knew, he began to pack up his things and leave. He told me that he wasn’t fit to lead these people anymore, and that he was leaving for good.”
“Wow, so he just left in the blink of an eye?” Hunter stared down at the dirt floor beneath us, but I could tell his mind wasn’t even registering what he was looking at. It was more of a mindless stare.
Bastard. I felt my clenched jaw spasm as I narrowed my eyes at Ethan. I wanted to scream. No, actually, I wanted to punch him. I wanted to take all the pent-up energy of my anger and frustration and release it in a single punch to Ethan’s face. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. All the strength and power inside of me had already left me, to be replaced by a numbing weakness. I tried to yell, I tried to lunge out and inflict just a fraction of the pain on Ethan that John endured, but instead, the words came out of my mouth in garbled mumbles, and my fists stayed locked in place as my entire body succumbed to the weakness.
“Natalie, you okay?” Hunter rubbed his hand against my shaking arm.
Ethan glanced at me with a confused and worried expression. You have no idea what I know. I couldn’t say that the emotion that fumed up inside of me when I looked at him was hate, but it was certainly something very strong. You have no idea that I can end you.
“Yes, just surprised, is all.” I felt my body calm down as I realized the blessing that I had. I tend to consider myself someone who isn’t that much of a bitch. I mean, we all have our moments when the bitch inside of us tends to come out, but I keep my bitchiness locked up inside of me a reasonable amount of the time. However, the gears in my brain started to turn as I thought about the lethal weapon that I possessed in my hands.
I have information that no one else has. I felt a sad pang in my gut as it came to fruition in my mind that releasing that information out into the world wouldn’t change the reality of the situation. John is dead; Ethan killed him. Nothing can change that. The urge to scream inside of me suddenly dwindled like the last rays of the setting sun shining over the horizon. My body relaxed as I came to the realization that it was pointless to share that information. It is pointless to hold Ethan accountable for his own reality; I don’t have to live knowing that I killed someone. I don’t have to live with that despair and regret. He does.
But now I know his darkest secret. Now I know what even he is too scared to admit to himself. I felt like the shittiest friend on earth for even having those thoughts cross my mind, but in the moment, I felt that it was all justified. Now, the next time he disagrees with me, or threatens to do something that I don’t like, I have the one thing that will get him to listen to me.
A rush of adrenaline coursed through my veins. I felt invigorated; I suddenly felt that I had power. And it was a feeling that I liked.
“Well, then.” Ethan shot me a quizzical look. “Yes, Hunter, John left immediately after I told him that I knew what he was hiding from us.”
Yeah, he left. I shook my head. Bullshit!
“Oh, okay.” Hunter nodded his head. “Wow, that’s crazy.”
“Yeah, it is.” The blank look on Ethan’s face instantly lit up with excitement. “But what’s even crazier, is that John has been in contact with President Ash’s ex-wife.”
I exhaled, trying to let my brain process that seemingly impossible thought.
“So what does Danielle Walker even need our help with?” I asked.
I tried to read the email, but my vision was too fuzzy to even comprehend the words on the screen. Ethan looked at me with his bloodshot eyes that were devoid of emotion except for the fire of determination that burned in their core.
“Apparently, she wants John to send a few of the people at our camp over to her base at the Grand Canyon National Village to help with what she calls a ‘mission against the government.’”
“Damn.” Hunter’s mouth was draped open. “You gotta tell everyone about this.” Hunter’s face lit up with excitement. “This is huge! She might have answers for us! She might be able to help us get our lives back!”
“Hunter, shut it,” Ethan demanded. There was a desperate coldness to his tone. “That’s exactly the reason why we can’t tell anyone.” He narrowed his eyes at the both of us and closed the laptop. “She only wants the help of a couple of people. If we tell the whole cam
p, people will be practically killing each other over who can go. We can’t risk that.” Ethan eyed the door that was closed shut. “We are the ones who are going.”
There was a flurry of excitement that exploded inside of me. A new hope emanated from deep within me, and burned through the sadness and despair enveloping my body. But it didn’t take long for the doubt to seep in. What if this is all a trick? What if it’s all just another lie? Then John’s ominous warning flooded my mind, and I felt a cold sensation cause goosebumps to appear all over my skin: They will end you. They will destroy all of you.
Was he talking about this?
“But what about the rest of the camp?” Hunter questioned. “We can’t just leave them here.”
“Of course we can.” Ethan spoke with unrivaled energy in his voice. “They are all adults, for the most part. They can handle themselves here. It’s time now that we move on, and try to at least get answers as to what the hell happened to this damn country.”
“I agree.” I looked at Hunter, who still appeared unsure about the idea. “We have to do this for ourselves.”
“But what if it’s all just a trap?” Hunter protested.
I could see a part of his body reject the idea that we had this opportunity. I felt the same way. It all appeared way too good to be true. In any normal world, the leader of the Retributioners and former wife of the president wouldn’t just contact us looking for help. That wouldn’t happen. But then again, nothing that had occurred in our fucked-up lives would happen. The government doesn’t just take your family, try to kidnap your father, and literally try to kill you. You don’t just happen to find a refuge that is part of a larger nationwide system organized by a group called the White Knights; and that refuge in any normal world would certainly not be for people who had taken the blue pill, and were therefore actively being searched for by the government.
But it wasn’t a normal world. Heck, it was a really, beautifully fucked-up one.
Control Freakz Page 14
