Even with reality now presented to me, I still couldn’t get over it. Even with the truth now finally released to disseminate all the lies that had managed to grow into a massive tumor in my mind, I still could not overcome the madness inside of me. Even with my death, now strikingly imminent, I could still feel my body fighting the will of the world.
Why don’t you just stop caring? I tried to will my body to forget about all the memories and the love, and to move on from my past that seemed to constantly be holding back. I tried to force my body into accepting the devastating reality that had presented itself to me, instead of vibrating in attempt to madly shake the emotions and memories from my body.
Love is caustic. It eats away at your insides, slowly causing your brain to surrender to its will to get another dose of the connection that supplied you with the high. It destroys everything, evoking your body to reside in a perpetual state of despair the second that it can’t receive enough of its splendor. It is a parasite, that takes away all the vital nutrients of your body, tricking your mind into believing that the only thing you need and want is a connection strong enough to supply you with the feeling of love.
It’s not worth it. I scoured through my memories, thinking back to every moment where I let a connection between me and a memory, place, time, or a person grow so strong to the point that the emotion rushing through me could be labeled as love. I was ignorant back then. I suddenly regretted not disconnecting from the entire world in the first place, and cutting off the irreplaceable strings that bridge the gap between me and my old life. I regret ever feeling love. I regret ever connecting. Because now I don’t know how to disconnect. Now, even though I know my internal system is about to be shut down, I can’t disconnect from the emotions. I can’t detach myself from this world that has brought down so much pain and torture upon me. I can’t let the hell, that is my life, go.
Do I even know how to love? I thought about the irony in the fact that the one thing I couldn’t get enough of, was a connection. Meanwhile, throughout all these years, I could have made the strongest connection with myself, even when I lacked any real connection with anything else. Maybe, the one thing that I was missing all that time, wasn’t the love or happiness from the outside world, but the lack of love for myself.
I rolled over so that my face burrowed into the cloud-like pillow that was now matted in a layer of tears. I felt like the darkness was beginning to crash down upon me, and slowly suffocate the life out of me. With every second that went by, the pain and anger only intensified as they both fed off each other.
Screw Danielle. I gritted my teeth to suppress a furious scream from erupting from my throat. Screw her bullshit. Screw her insanity. Screw her evil, manipulative ways.
My tongue felt poisoned after it had tasted just a drop of hope, only to have it all sucked dry from my life. I finally realized that it’s worse to see some light, and know that you will never be able to let it hit your skin, rather than being enveloped in a thick darkness, where it is impossible to even tell if light exists. There is nothing enticing about the darkness; there is no hope or happiness, in fact, even their very existence can be forgotten due to the abundance of the pain and despair.
But the second your brain registers the presence of light, the second that the truth floods your mind to wash away a layer of the sediment of darkness surrounding it, it is impossible to deny the reality in front of you. The second that the light began to break its way through the pores in my skin, I could feel myself begin to break free from the chains of the pain and the darkness as my entire life.
My dad created the blue pill, and it saved us from the mind control. My dad was a hero; my dad simultaneously saved my life, and ended everything good about it. I lamented the loss of my dad, which only grew more painful with time. It is true that emotional wounds do begin to heal over time, even if they never fully heal. However, life had continued to throw salt in the slice through my heart, which marked the second that my dad exited on that airplane and left for good. And it had caused an incessant pain to claw at my insides as I still waited hopelessly for my dad to come back.
He’s gone. I ripped at the sheets that attempted to comfort my body, and began screaming hysterically. My mental breakdown only continued to worsen. Soon it would get to the point where I would have no mind left to even break down. The entirety of my brain will have already deteriorated into a mangled piece of rotten flesh.
He’s gone, and I can never get him back. My reality hit me like a knife to the heart, as it completely decimated all the hope that raged through me the second that the truth inundated my mind. Even if my dad was still alive, even if it was possible to be reunited with him and to rekindle the connection between us, it didn’t matter. Even if my family was still alive in Area 51, and even if I could get them back, it didn’t matter. Even if this country could one day be saved, and even if my former life could be resurrected from the dead, it didn’t matter. Even if I could be happy again, and even if I could one day love myself, it didn’t matter.
There would be no one to love. I would be reduced to nothing. Even the energy that was left over would find a way to be destroyed. My very own existence would finally be reduced to what it was truly worth: nothing.
I’m going to die. I could feel my muscles relax, as I tried to let the thought calm me down. Danielle is going to kill me. Danielle is going to end all the pain and the hunger. Danielle is going to release me from this hell. My body will rot in the darkness forever.
Suddenly my body shot upward in the bed, as a deafening pounding began to emanate from the door. The walls, as well as my mind, practically shook from the force of the sound waves. I opened my eyes, which were severely swollen from crying, and let the blinding light pour into my vision.
I immediately felt like I was about to throw up. Danielle stood in the doorway, with her trademark smile.
“Rise and shine!” she sneered, cackling maniacally. Her face was now caked in its usual pound of make-up, which covered up the scar once visible beneath her eye.
No, not you. I could feel my muscles tense up, as the rage inside of me threatened to explode out of me in a discordant scream. It took all of my will to hold back from lunging at her, but still the anger stayed pent up inside of me like a loaded spring that could catapult forward at any moment.
My eyes shifted across the room as the light came on, illuminating the laser-focused eyes of Hunter and Ethan. Their entire bodies appeared like metallic robots, which instantly sent chills down my spine. When I looked at Hunter, I could see him glance back at me, but I couldn’t feel any energy radiating from his blue eyes. They were missing all their color, like translucent blue orbs that were telling a bad omen. It was almost like Danielle had ripped away everything human away from Hunter and Ethan, while managing to let what was left of themselves rot in a lifeless body.
She took them away from me! I glanced at her, and into her glowing eyes, and had to suppress a belligerent scream from erupting from my throat after she met my glare with an evil smirk. You fucking bastard! You took everything I had left! You took my one shot away at getting my own life back, in order to fulfill your own selfish needs.
I sighed, the anger seeping out of my pores in a hot sweat. I tried to block my mind from my reality, and go back into the pit of nothingness that I used to call home. But I couldn’t deny what was right in front of me. I couldn’t deny the truth. And now that I knew the truth, now that I knew all that I was missing out on, and knew my one chance at happiness was truly gone, I could finally say that I had hit the relative bottom in the never-ending, hellish, downward spiral of my life.
Death and I had now become one.
I will die with this messy, dirty blonde hair and frail, pale body. I will die with the emptiness and the pain. I will die with the growth of emotions still festering on my brain. I will die with nothing.
The lights began to slowly illuminate the colorless faces of Ethan and Hunter, and the wicked grin strewn across Danielle�
�s face.
Danielle motioned with a finger for two of her advisers to come into the room, and they each held a trio of formal suits that looked to be freshly ironed.
“You are to all put on these suits, now.” She looked at the two men, who even though towered above her, seemed apprehensive in their movements.
Pain still managed to penetrate through the shock that still hadn’t begun to clear up from a few hours ago. Looking into the emptiness in both Hunter and Ethan’s eyes reminded me of the blank expression that my mom had frozen on her face for years. All of them appeared detached from the world, and had a schizophrenic vision they’d all tricked themselves into believing that all of the pain, sorrow, and anguish was acceptable.
How can they just accept this? I hopelessly tried to lure Hunter out of his mindless daze just with the flicker of my eyes. How could they bury their emotions and pretend to live a content life? I shuddered, imagining the madness that would ensue in my brain if I were to be put under mind control. It might be better than living like this. It might be better to have everything stabilized in my brain instead of the constant stomach-turning rollercoaster ride that I seem to be in no control over. It might be better for someone else to fix whatever is wrong with me, then for me to continue living broken.
“Natalie.” Danielle’s voice was stern, knocking me from my daze.
I looked in front of me at the gray blazer and black skirt, which was apparently the standard uniform for all the women in Area 51. I glanced around hastily, realizing that when she said we were to put on the suits now, she’d meant right now. Hunter and Ethan had already both ripped off their t-shirts and shorts and were standing in nothing but boxers under the watchful eye of Danielle. I watched her expression as it sharpened a bit the second her eyes scanned over Hunter.
I stared straight ahead, focusing on putting on the skirt and blazer, along with the pair of fancy high-heels that would inevitably cause me to wobble like a drunken penguin with my every step. The whole outfit was just as uncomfortable to wear as it looked. The skirt was too tight at the waist and too loose at the thighs. The dark undershirt that went underneath the blazer was too tight at my chest, and too low on my back. And the blazer itself was, overall, a hideous item to wear. Maybe I had gotten used to wearing dirty, torn-up clothes to the point where formal, neat clothes actually appeared too stiff and dull for me.
But when I turned toward Hunter and Ethan, especially Hunter, their suits appeared to be nothing but beautiful on them. A wave of nostalgia overcame me as I looked at Hunter in a suit, with his brown hair combed to the side, and his red tie accentuating the beauty in his eyes. I imagined what it would have been like going to prom with him, or to graduation. I imagined the blissful look in his sweet mother’s eyes the second she would have seen him walk out looking like a model in his suit. She should be the one enjoying this, not Danielle. An intense guilt shot through my mind as I realized that Hunter and Ethan would never know the truth about their families; they would never know the truth about anything.
I had to fight back another round of tears from pouring down my face. He will die in this suit. He will die today; we will die today.
The anxiety that coursed through me made me want to throw my head through a wall. I shivered a bit as Danielle took a sample of my blood, retrieved a finger print, and scanned my entire face with a weird-looking machine, all in a matter of seconds. She did it so hastily that I barely knew what was happening until it was all over. The tiny incision into my forearm closed up even faster than the wound on my shoulder, and I stared at her with a sort of subdued shock as she began to repeat the whole process with both Ethan and Hunter.
I felt a surge of horror course through me as they both stared forward motionlessly, not even blinking as Danielle collected information on all their vitals, which she would inevitably use to help us bypass security in Area 51.
The entire time, the two supervisors respectfully observed Danielle, as if she was some sort of goddess, who endowed their presence. The second Danielle finished, she gave the handful of equipment to her advisers, who placed it down on a cart in the doorway of the room. My eyes wandered around the beige walls and white ceiling, which were all the product of wall-screens. Before I even knew it, Danielle appeared in front of me again, this time with a blue case opened in front of me, which contained three pairs of what appeared to be internet contact lenses.
“Put these in.” She handed them out as if she was just an over-excited teacher passing out papers for a test that everyone failed. However, she was really just escorting us on a field trip that starts with a lot of fun, and ended with our deaths.
After she handed them all out, she spoke again with her affirmative, ominously cheerful voice.
“I will use these to communicate with you guys when you are in Area 51, and it will also contain a map of the compound for you to use at your discretion.”
Great, we get to listen to her bitching right up until the moment we die. At first, I let the usual melancholy feeling reside over me, until a hopeful thought suddenly sparked up from within the depths of my mind. I could use the map to find my family. There was a sudden jolt of excitement that coursed through me, as I for once became hopeful that this wasn’t just a suicide mission.
Maybe this can all work out. The thought was borderline delusional, given the circumstances. We would be traveling to the most highly secured compound in the world, and I would somehow have to find a way to both find and break my family out, while managing to escape with them myself. My chances of surviving this ordeal were zero, yet just me telling myself that something could work made me start to feel more hopeful.
I can do this.
I glanced at Hunter and Ethan who followed Danielle out of the room like two clingy zombies. We can do this. Due to the lack of sleep, and the excess of paranoia and insanity coursing through me, I actually managed to tell myself that things might be okay. Due to the sheer desperation and hunger inside of me, I looked at all the darkness surrounding me and somehow saw light.
Straggling behind, I began to move my tender legs, which were now on the verge of collapsing from the pressure the heels put on my feet. Danielle purposefully made her way down the long, dark hallway until we reached the helicopter pad at the end of it. Waiting at either side of the entrance to the large room, were the dozen or so of the Retributioners, who were stationed in the compound. They all began to applaud as we made our way down the aisle to the same shiny black helicopter from last time. There was a blissful energy to the atmosphere, yet with everyone dressed up in suits it had the impression of being a funeral procession, when in reality it was more of a marriage ceremony. This was my wedding day with death. He proposed to me the day my dad left, and I wouldn’t officially accept his offer until I found out whether my ex-life was going to return, or perish with the darkness.
I stepped up onto the helicopter, not even bothering to look back at the compound that had evoked so much terror upon my life. It had also provided me with the only opportunity at achieving happiness, or anything for that matter. The doors of the helicopter automatically shut behind me, and the smell of pine trees flooded my airways. The first thing I saw in the helicopter, was Danielle’s flowing black hair, which made my spine tingle just to look at.
I’m gonna show you, bitch. There was a new determination inside of me that began to overcome the defeat solidifying in my heart. You have no power over me; no one does. I can end this all at my own will. But I can also choose to feel and think what I want.
That one thought was the one thing that began to liberate me from all of the pain and devastation. I can control what I think. I can control my response to life. The words sounded great as they echoed in my head, but I knew that in practice the task was nearly impossible. I knew that, in reality, I had no control. I would always be at the mercy of my emotions, which always seemed to wreak havoc on the insides of my body. I would always be at the mercy of the inner-workings of my brain, which seemed to disagree with i
tself, along with almost everything that happened in the external world.
I would always be at mercy to the power.
The helicopter propelled upward through the air until we exited the compound, and began to float over the desert below. It was still pitch black out, and therefore impossible to see into the depths of the canyon. The colorful, splendid skyline of Grand Canyon National Village was visible, though, piercing through the darkness.
The only four people in the aircraft were Danielle, Hunter, Ethan, and me. There was a slight thought that ran through my mind that involved me choking her to death, so she wouldn’t try and kill all of us. But then I thought about the fact that I would be with two boys who didn’t even know how to communicate without being commanded, and with no way to shut off the mind control, we would all inevitably die somehow.
I sat down, trying to shake the nervous thoughts from my mind, which felt lethargic, even with the adrenaline surging through me. My eyelids were on the verge of closing because they were so heavy, and my whole body felt weak as I slumped over into the leather chair. I could slowly feel my mind losing grip form reality as I looked at Hunter, who was, as expected, staring blankly forward. Blackness started to coat the edges of my eyes, as I began to fall asleep.
But then an anxiety-ridden thought passed through my mind, and my eyes instantly shot open. What if Danielle drugs me? I looked forward into her eyes that were gleaming sinisterly as she glanced at me. Somewhere, although it was barely visible, there was a layer of sadness and regret beneath the madness bubbling off her skin. There was no doubt, that if I closed my eyes and went to sleep, she would find a way to begin mind-controlling me.
Just that thought alone sent enough adrenaline into my body to keep me wired for the next few hours as we soared above the clouds. The sun eventually broke through the horizon and swallowed the darkness as it rose above the clouds. The heavy silence only intensified as the sun continued rising above the blackness, causing my eyes to stare up at its movement in a trance. The refraction of the light off the puffy, white surface of the clouds created a heaven-like aura, which starkly contrasted with the hellish battle of emotions in my mind.
Control Freakz Page 29
