The Good, the Bad and the Deadly 7

by Garth Jennings

  ‘Bah! What ya talkin’ about? Course ya did!’ barked Stan.

  ‘You are the hero of the match, dear boy! The champion! Although, I think we can agree a great deal of that was down to me,’ crowed Hoot.

  ‘Shush. I’m not a hero. And now I have to play again in the finals.’

  ‘The finals! Well we are gonna knock ’em dead! We’re gonna slay those suckers! Tell me what school they’re from, and I’ll check ’em out. Find out who their weakest players are. Ha ha! Great stuff!’ Stan clapped his huge hands together and bared his sharp little teeth in a lopsided grin.

  Nelson couldn’t help laughing. ‘No, Stan. It’s not great stuff. Everyone on my team hates me, and I don’t blame them. I’m rubbish at rugby.’

  ‘Nelly-son not rubbish! Naaah! Nelly-son runnin’ faaaaaaast!’

  ‘Nosh, I only volunteered for rugby cos my mum thought it would look good on my school report. I never thought I’d get on the actual team.’

  Ahh, the dreaded report.

  The summer holiday had been a joyous riot, but arriving at school with invisible monsters in tow had been a disaster that would make any teacher’s head spin.

  To be fair to Nelson, none of the catastrophes were his fault. The only reason he had fallen through the roof of the school canteen and into the cheese and onion pie was because he’d been trying to pull Nosh out of one of the extractor vents on the roof (Nosh had become stuck while inhaling the smell of the food cooking below).

  What happened to George Griffiths wasn’t Nelson’s fault either. Yes, Nelson had been bullied by George, but it was Stan who had hung George up by his underpants over the stage and left ‘Loser’ by Beck playing loudly on loop.

  When the head teacher’s computer was found at the bottom of the swimming pool, CCTV footage showed Nelson carrying the computer into the pool area. What the cameras didn’t see was that Nelson was attempting to pull the computer out of his monsters’ hands while trying to explain that they could NOT get rid of his report from the head teacher’s computer by drowning it in the pool! (Yes, Nelson’s monsters really could be that stupid.)

  The list of disasters went on and on, which is why after several warnings and a meeting with his teachers and parents, it was agreed that Nelson had one more chance to put things right or he would be at serious risk of being expelled.

  ‘Look, I really, really don’t wanna be in any more trouble, and if we don’t sort out this mess we’re in, I might have to go to another school – a special school.’

  ‘Special school, eh? Well, I like the sound of this. You deserve something special, dear boy! The kind of school that looks like a castle. A place where top hats and mustard-coloured knickerbockers are uniform.’

  ‘No, Hoot. That’s not what a special school is. I just wanna stay here and I want everything to stop being mad for a bit. We all had a wicked summer, the best summer of my whole life, and we will have loads more fun again, I promise. But right now I need you all to stick to the plan and stay out of my life until my probation ends next Friday.’

  Nelson looked at his monsters. Though they were all very different, each monster had the same mournful look in their eyes. Like Nelson, they found having to live apart just awful and they were longing to go back to the fun times.

  The school bell rang. Nelson grabbed his backpack and swung it over his shoulders.

  ‘Sorry.’ Nelson jogged away, head bowed low to hide the little tears that had sprung from his eyes.

  Crush ran after Nelson honking desperately, but Miser snatched him back with a whip-crack of his tentacles.

  ‘Let Master Nelson go,’ said Miser, and Crush gave a very sad ‘HONK’ as Nosh patted his head.

  ‘S’OK, Crush. Nelly-son sayin’ it’s gonna be all fun again soon,’ said Nosh, before taking a bite out of a very green potato he had found under a bin.

  ‘Yeah, but only if we all stay outta trouble,’ groaned Spike.

  The others fell silent. They knew only too well that staying out of trouble was pretty much impossible, and as if to prove the point, Nosh’s belly ignited – roasting the green potato he’d just eaten, and the jet of flames that roared from his head melted the side of the wheelie bin.

  THE EXTRAORDINARY RESIDENTS OF LONDON ZOO

  Later that same Friday afternoon, the 274 bus pulled up outside London Zoo, and Nelson’s seven monsters got off. When I say ‘got off’, I mean jumped off the roof of the bus and on to the bus shelter. It was always easier to ride on the roof than risk sitting inside during busy times, where they were likely to bump into someone who might then run from the bus screaming they’d just been touched by a ghost.

  ‘Ah!’ Nosh exclaimed after taking a great sniff of air. ‘It’s feedy time for da penga-wins! I’m a smellin’ dem lummy fishes!’ He wobbled quickly past the visitors at the entrance and made his way down the path, taking care not to bump into anyone.

  Since their separation from Nelson had begun, London Zoo had become the monsters’ second home. You might not think of a zoo as being an ideal place to spend the night, let alone weeks, but then again, you are probably not a monster. Though Nelson’s monsters thrived in his company and would always prefer to be closer to him than anywhere else, London Zoo did offer some creature comforts to take their minds off the dull ache they felt from having to living apart. For one thing, London Zoo offered a variety of animal enclosures to suit each monster.

  The Fruit Bat Forest suited Miser’s preference for darkness, and the fruit bats knew some terrific ghost stories. The warmth and humidity of the butterfly enclosure helped a great deal in lifting Spike’s sour spirits, especially as the butterflies had gentle sing-songy voices and only ever had nice things to say. Puff had become pals with the tigers, who enjoyed sleeping in a huddle as much as he did. Stan found a group of grumpy yaks who enjoyed butting horns and discussing which animals they could easily beat in a fight. Crush would snuggle up each night with the gorillas, who took it in turns to cuddle him like a bed toy. Hoot would perch among the birds living in the gigantic aviary and talk about himself until they were all bored to sleep. And Nosh hung out wherever food was being served, whether it was the elephant house, the aquarium or, at this particular moment in time, the penguin pool.

  It was Stan who first realized that not only was he visible to the yaks, he could also understand what they were moaning about. Wasps from a nearby nest had been bothering them, so Stan helped the yaks out by punching the wasp nest into oblivion. The yaks were very grateful, and over several nights, the other monsters found they too could ‘tune in’ to what the animals were saying. Spike found he could even talk with the tropical plants and trees, though they spoke very slowly and rarely wanted to talk about anything other than the weather. Being able to communicate and be seen by the animals meant the monsters suddenly had companions galore, and this at least made living apart from Nelson a little less gloomy.

  ‘I shall see you on the morrow, my fine fellows!’ Hoot flew off towards the aviary leaving Miser, Stan, Spike, Crush and Puff beneath the sign post directing them to their favourite areas.

  ‘There’s no point in me going to the butterfly house until closing time. It’s too busy in there at the moment,’ moaned Spike.

  A couple walked past them pushing a buggy with a sleeping child inside it. The couple sat down on the bench, and as the mother squeezed a packet of pulped apple and carrot into her child’s mouth, her phone slipped out of her back trouser pocket and on to the ground. Miser felt that hot surge of temptation rush through his tentacles. He wanted so much to snatch the phone and stash it within the folds of his skin with all his other ‘treasures’, but remembered that Nelson had forbidden stealing.

  ‘May I suggest we visit the camels to pass the time? They know some very amusing jokes. Especially Gerti,’ suggested Miser.

  ‘Can someone carry me?’ said Puff. ‘I’m too tired to walk any more today.’

  But of course none of them had any intention of carrying the lazy rotter.

&n
bsp; Stan chuckled. ‘I ’eard Gerti tells some well rude jokes.’

  And without saying anything, the rest of the monsters had already started walking towards the camel enclosure. Nothing cheers up a monster quite like a camel joke.

  On the other side of London, Nelson sat in his bedroom. His homework was spread out on his bed, but the pages might as well have been blank, for not one word was going into Nelson’s brain. He was lost in thoughts of the summer spent with his monsters, and none of his homework, no matter how vital it was to take in, could compete with memories as fantastic as the ones currently occupying his mind.

  Like the time he and his monsters had been sharing a pizza on the roof of the local swimming pool and had noticed a young man on the street below steal a woman’s purse from her handbag. The thief had been swift, but upon Nelson’s instruction, Miser had picked the thief’s pocket and replaced the woman’s purse in her bag as she got into her car and drove away. Nelson and his monsters had loved seeing the confused face of the pickpocket when he realized the purse had gone, and from that day on, Miser found he got just as much pleasure picking pickpockets’ pockets as he did picking pockets himself. (Apologies if reading this line out loud has put your tongue in a twist.)

  In an effort to get his mind back on the lousy business of homework, Nelson took a deep breath and shook his head. It didn’t work. Another memory had popped up to say hello.

  This one was of sitting in a tree in the park at night watching Hoot perform an aerial dance routine to music playing on a portable speaker. (He had chosen Equinoxe by Jean-Michel Jarre, if you must know.) Nelson had laughed so much, he had fallen out of the tree, only to be caught by Puff. This memory was shoved aside by one Nelson loved the most. It was of bedtime in his tent. There was no way his monsters could stay with him in the house, but Nelson’s parents had agreed that Nelson could sleep in the tent in the garden while the weather was warm. Crush was snuggled next to him, the other monsters crowded around his bed snoring and wheezing, and Puff spread out on top of Nelson’s duvet, purring like a giant cat and emitting a faint scent like lavender mixed with vanilla through his fur that put them all into a sleep as deep as space.

  It was no use. The homework was never going to win against memories like these. When Nelson was with his monsters, his thoughts were clear and un-muddled and his energy levels were turned up to ten; but whenever he was apart from his monsters, he couldn’t think straight, and his energy levels dropped through the floor. It was like that feeling you have when you’ve watched way too much TV in the middle of the day and your brain feels so unloved it goes on strike.

  The good news for Nelson and his monsters was that this period of separation was only a few days away from coming to an end.

  The bad news was that Nelson’s life was not going to get better. In fact, it was about to get a lot worse and, according to a seagull called Edna that had just arrived at London Zoo, very scary indeed.

  A SEAGULL WITH VERY BAD NEWS

  Edna was a large, wild seagull, generally regarded by the birds in the London Zoo aviary as ‘nice, but a bit of a gossip’. However, at this moment in time, she could barely speak for being so exhausted.

  ‘Give the poor dear some space,’ said Hoot, even though he was the only one next to her, as the rest of the birds were inside the netted aviary.

  Edna closed her eyes. If her heart had been a drum, then it was gradually slowing down from a hardcore techno beat to smooth R&B. The news she had to share was extremely urgent, which is why she had flown all the way from the south coast of England without stopping once. Edna had been enjoying a weekend of diving into the sea and catching fish when she met her old friend Carlos (also a seagull and, if she was honest, one she found very attractive indeed). Carlos had just flown all the way from Greece to share some terrible news with her.

  ‘An evil thing,’ wheezed Edna, and all of the birds in the aviary fell silent.

  ‘An evil thing, eh? In the sea? And your friend Carlos the seagull, he saw this evil thing, did he?’

  ‘No. The fish. The fish in the sea told Carlos it is trapped inside a shipwreck.’

  ‘I see. And where might this shipwreck be?’ asked Hoot.

  ‘I just told you! South of a Greek island called Syros.’

  ‘Well then, there’s nothing to worry about! My dear Edna, Greece is very, very far away! Now, I think a little dinner might do us all the world of good, don’t you?’

  Edna squawked angrily and Hoot realized that he might have failed to see the urgency in the matter.

  ‘Very well, Edna. Do go on.’

  ‘The fish of Syros say there’s something evil hidden inside the shipwreck, and some humans plan to raise the evil thing to the surface. And when they do, the end will be upon us all!’

  At this, all the birds fell silent. Edna closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing.

  ‘The fish insisted this message be passed on to your human friend, the boy called Nelson. See, they believe he has a connection to the people planning to rob from the shipwreck.’

  Fish insisting on anything is quite an odd thing to hear about, but their specific request that Nelson help them save the world may seem odder still. You see, ever since Nelson saved a group of fish from a poisoned spring in Brazil, word got out of his good deed and he had become legendary in the fish community, who until then were only used to being caught and either put into tanks or eaten by humans.

  ‘Well go on then,’ said Hoot, who was becoming increasingly fed up about losing the spotlight to this overtly theatrical seagull.

  ‘You’ve gotta pass the fish’s message on to Nelson. They said Nelson knows two of the men – one with green hair like a parrot, and the other with only one leg. Nelson must tell them not to take the evil thing out of the ocean.’

  ‘Now, those descriptions do ring a bell. Though I’m not sure why. But are you quite sure about this evil thing, Edna? Because if we’re all being honest, dear, you do have a reputation for exaggerating.’ Hoot was keen that this all be a mistake, but Edna shook her head.

  ‘Me? Exaggerate! I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my entire life! Fish never lie and neither does my darling Carlos, and they made it very clear – if this thing escapes, it will be the end of us all. So go to your friend before it’s too late!’ Though she had hardly caught her breath, Edna took to the sky once more and joined the flocks of birds flying north.

  The other birds inside the aviary were hopping about and squawking nervously.

  ‘Right. Well, I must say Edna’s put a bit of dampener on the afternoon, hasn’t she? Even so, I should probably alert the others, just in case what she said really is important. Though I highly doubt it. Silly seagull.’

  Hoot flew off towards the camel enclosure where he could hear his fellow monsters laughing their heads off at one of Gerti’s jokes.

  TRUTH AND DUMPLINGS

  ‘You’re gonna love the dumplings here – they’re amazing,’ said Celeste, who had just ordered for both herself and her younger brother Nelson. ‘Oh, by the way, well done with the rugby. Mum said your team went through to the final today.’

  ‘Was this was all Mum’s idea?’ asked Nelson as he peeled the paper off his plastic chopsticks. ‘Coming here for dinner, I mean.’

  ‘I’m not gonna start lecturing you, if that’s what you think. And no, it wasn’t Mum’s idea. It was mine. I just thought you looked like you needed a break from the homework, Mr Moody Pants.’

  Nelson couldn’t help but smile at her babyish insult.

  ‘Well, you are moody,’ said Celeste as she began to pour jasmine tea for Nelson. ‘Now, could Mr Moody Pants please try some of this tea and tell me why he’s been so flipping distant these last few weeks?’

  It was a fair enough question. He had not been himself for the last few weeks. He’d been anxious and swinging between all kinds of moods except the good ones. He would have begun biting his nails again, but there was nothing left to bite.

  ‘It
tastes like soap,’ said Nelson sipping tea from a tiny cup without handles.

  ‘Bzzz! Don’t change the subject. Minus five points for that,’ said Celeste, just as the waiter arrived and loaded their table with delicious plates of food.

  ‘Look, I know Mum and Dad have been on at you lately, but it’s only because they care and they don’t know what’s going on with you. I mean they don’t want you to be expelled.’

  ‘I told Mum and Dad, I’m gonna work harder, OK? I’ve got that exam on Monday, and I promised I would pass it.’

  ‘You’re not upset because I’ve been spending so much time with Ivan, are you?’

  Celeste has got a boyfriend called Ivan, but don’t worry, you’ll like him. He’s kind right down to his bones, smells of freshly washed clothes, and he’s handsome in that scruffy surfer kind of way, but he instantly won Nelson’s approval for two reasons: 1) Ivan rides everywhere on a bike that he put together himself; and 2) Ivan is deaf, so he and Celeste mainly communicate with each other using sign language, and Nelson cannot help but find this impressive.

  ‘No. No, I like Ivan. He’s cool. And he’s been teaching me some sign language.’

  ‘Then what is it, Nelse? What’s up with you?’

  Where on earth was Nelson to begin? Well, obviously things began to go very wrong indeed when Celeste – his big sister, his guardian angel, and the glue that held his crazy family together – had been kidnapped and held captive in Brazil by their auntie Carla. Then, while his family searched for Celeste, Nelson had been left with his uncle Pogo, and that’s when things got even more crazy. Uncle Pogo had taken Nelson to work with him, which happened to mean fixing the plumbing at St Paul’s Cathedral, and it was there, on a stormy night, that Nelson had tripped and fallen on Sir Christopher Wren’s secret sin-extracting machine. Trouble was, the sins it extracted from Nelson took on a life of their own and became the seven monsters you just met on the rugby pitch.