“I know.”
“So I guess I want to thank you one more time for getting me the gun,” she said, “because I had to have it in order to know I don’t need it. I don’t know if I’m making any sense—”
“You’re doing fine.”
“Am I? Sometimes I wonder. You know the thought I had before I went to bed last night? I realized that what scared me most about dying was the fear that I’d fuck it up, that I wouldn’t know how to do it. And then I thought, shit, just look at all the morons and losers who’ve managed it. How hard can it be? I mean, if my mother could do it, anybody can.”
“You’re nuts,” I said. “But I suppose you already know that.”
WHEN I went into the bedroom Elaine was sitting on the stool looking at herself in the mirror over the dressing table. She swung around to face me.
“That was Jan,” I said.
“I know who it was.”
“I don’t know how she happened to call me here. I meant to ask her. I didn’t think she had this number.”
“You had Call Forwarding on.”
“Can’t be. I didn’t put it on last night.”
“You didn’t have to,” she said. “You never took it off from the night before.”
“Oh, Jesus,” I said. “You’re kidding.”
“No.”
I thought back. “You’re right,” I said. “I never did.”
“She called yesterday morning, too.”
“She called here? Because there was a message at the desk when I got in.”
“I know. I was the one who left the message at the desk. ‘Call Jan Keane,’ I said. She didn’t leave a number, and I figured you probably knew it.”
“Yes, of course.”
“Of course,” she said. She got up from the little stool and walked to the window. It looks east toward the river, but the view is better from the living room.
I said, “You remember Jan. You met her in SoHo.”
“Oh, I remember, all right. Your old girlfriend.”
“That’s right.”
She turned toward me, her face contorted. “Fuck,” she said.
“What’s the matter?”
“I was afraid we were going to have this conversation last night,” she said. “I thought that was why you wanted to come over, so we could talk about it. And I didn’t want to talk about it, but we have to, don’t we?”
“What do you mean?”
“Jan Keane,” she said, snapping out the syllables. “You’re seeing her, aren’t you? You’re having an affair with her, aren’t you? You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”
“Jesus.”
“I wasn’t going to bring this up,” she said. “I swear I wasn’t, but it happened. Well, what do we do now? Pretend I never said anything?”
“Jan’s dying,” I said.
SHE’S dying, I said. She has pancreatic cancer. She has only a few months left, they gave her a year and most of it’s gone.
She called me a couple of months ago, I said. Right around the time Glenn Holtzmann got shot. To tell me she was dying, and to ask me for a favor. She wanted a gun. So she could kill herself when she couldn’t take it anymore.
And she called yesterday, I said, because she wanted to give me a piece of her work. She’s starting to distribute some of her possessions to make sure they go where she wants them to go. And I went down to her loft yesterday morning and picked up an early bronze of hers, and she didn’t look good, so I guess it won’t be too much longer.
And she called today, I said, to tell me she’s not going to put the gun in her mouth and spray her brains all over the wall. She decided she wants to let death come at its own pace, and she wanted to let me know her decision, and how she’d come to it.
And yes, I said, I have been seeing her, though not in the sense you mean. And no, I said, I’m not having an affair with her. And no, I said, I’m not in love with her. I love her, I care for her, she’s been a very good friend to me, I said, but I’m not in love with her.
I’m in love with you, I said. You’re the only person I’m in love with. You’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with. I’m in love with you.
“I feel really stupid,” she said.
“Why?”
“Because I was fiercely jealous of a woman who’s dying. I spent all yesterday sitting around hating her. I feel stupid and mean-spirited and petty and unworthy. And nuts. Especially nuts.”
“You didn’t know.”
“No,” she said, “and that’s another thing. How could you carry that around all this time and not say a word? It’s been what, two months now? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did you talk to anybody about it?”
“I told Jim a little of it, but I didn’t mention that she’d asked me to get her a gun. And I talked to Mick about it.”
“And picked up a gun from him, I suppose.”
“He’s opposed to suicide.”
“But not to murder?”
“Someday I’ll explain the distinction he draws. I didn’t ask him for a gun because I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position.”
“So where did you get the gun?”
“TJ bought it for me from somebody on the street.”
“My God,” she said. “You’ve got him buying guns and selling dope and hanging out with transsexuals. You’re a wonderful positive influence on the boy. Did you tell him why you wanted it?”
“He didn’t ask.”
“Neither did I,” she said, “but you could have told me. Why didn’t you?”
I thought about it. “I guess I was afraid,” I said.
“That I wouldn’t understand?”
“Not that. You understand more than I do. Maybe that you wouldn’t approve.”
“Of your giving her the gun? How is it my business to approve or disapprove? Anyway, you’d do what you wanted, wouldn’t you?”
“Probably.”
“For the record, I approve of her decision to keep the gun out of her mouth. But I also approve of your decision to give her the gun and let her make her own choice. What I don’t much care for is being left in the dark while you go through all sorts of agony. What were you planning to do when she died, skip the funeral? Or tell me you were on your way to a boxing match in Sunnyside?”
“I would have said something.”
“That’s comforting.”
“I suppose there was some denial involved,” I said. “Telling you about it would make it real.”
“I can understand that.”
“And there was something else I was afraid of.”
“What?”
“That you’ll die,” I said.
“I’m not sick or anything.”
“I know.”
“So—”
“I hate it that Jan’s dying,” I said, “and I’ll have lost something when she’s gone, but it’s the kind of thing that happens, losing people, and it’s the kind of thing life teaches you to live with. But if anything happened to you I don’t know what I would do. And it keeps being on my mind, and the only reason I don’t think about it is I won’t let myself. And sometimes when we’re in bed I’ll touch your breast and I find myself wondering if something’s growing in there, or I’ll find the scars on your middle where that bastard stabbed you and I’ll start to wonder if he did any damage that they don’t know about. It’s been a few years since I became aware of my own mortality, and that wasn’t much fun, but you adjust to it. Now what’s happening to Jan has made me aware of your mortality, and I don’t like it.”
“Silly old bear. I’m gonna live forever. Didn’t you know that?”
“You never told me.”
“I have no choice,” she said. “I’m in Al-Anon. I can’t allow myself to die so long as there’s a human being on earth that needs me. Oh, God, hold me, will you? Sweetie, I thought I was losing you.”
“Never.”
“I figured, well, she’
s interesting, she’s accomplished, she’s a fucking artist and everything, she’s got to be more stimulating and admirable than somebody who spent her whole adult life fucking for a living.”
“That’s what you figured, huh?”
“Uh-huh. I figured she was the cleaner, greener maiden.”
“Shows what you know. You’re the cleaner, greener maiden.”
“Yeah?”
“No question.”
“Me, huh?”
“You.”
“So I was wrong,” she said. “I stand corrected. Listen, do you think we could go back to bed? Not to do anything. Just to, you know, be close.”
“Is that wise? We might lose control.”
“We might,” she said.
THAT afternoon I was standing at the living-room window. She came over and stood beside me. “It’s supposed to be colder tonight,” she said. “It might snow.”
“Be the first snow of the year, wouldn’t it?”
“Uh-huh. We could go out and walk in it or stay here and watch it. Depending on how close we want to get to the experience.”
“I was thinking of when I first used to come to this apartment. You had a better view before some of those buildings went up.”
“I know.”
“I think it’s time to move.”
“Oh?”
“There are a couple of apartments for sale in the Parc Vendôme,” I said, “and I’m sure there are others available in buildings all along West Fifty-seventh. I know you’ve always liked the one on the next block with the Art Deco lobby.”
“And the one with the plaque that says Bela Bartok used to live there.”
“Tomorrow or the day after,” I said, “I think you should start looking for a place for the two of us. And as soon as you find something you like I think we should take it.”
“Don’t you want to look with me?”
“I’d just get in the way,” I said. “I know I’ll be perfectly happy in any place you pick. Jesus, how long have I lived in a hotel room the size of a walk-in closet? I’d like to have at least one window that I can sit and look out of, and with something more interesting on the other side of it than an air shaft. And I think we probably will want a second bedroom. But outside of that I’m pretty easy to please.”
“And you want to stay in your neighborhood?”
“Well, it’s that or SoHo, if you want to be able to walk to the gallery.”
“Which gallery?”
“Your gallery,” I said. “The stretch of Fifty-seventh with all the galleries is a five-minute walk from my hotel, and I think some of those buildings have space for rent.”
“They ought to, at the rate galleries are going out of business these days. When did I decide to open a gallery?”
“You haven’t yet,” I said, “but I think you’re going to. Or am I wrong?”
She thought about it. “I think you’re probably right,” she said. “What a scary thought.”
“Another reason you’d better pick the apartment,” I said, “is you’re the one who’ll be paying for it, or most of it. I decided I’d be stupid to let that bother me.”
“You’re right. You would.”
“So I’ll try not to.”
“I’ll list this apartment with a broker,” she said. “I can do that right away. And I’ll see about raising cash on some other properties so we won’t have to wait around for this place to sell. I’ll call now and see if I can set up some appointments for tomorrow and the next day. You want to know something? All of a sudden I can’t wait to move.”
“Good.”
“We talked and talked about it, and then we stopped talking, and now—”
“Now we’re ready,” I said. I drew a breath. “When you’ve found a place, and when we’re settled into the apartment and the neighborhood, and you’ve got everything more or less the way you want it, I’d like for us to get married.”
“Just like that?”
I nodded. “Just like that.”
Chapter 26
It was the middle of January when I finally got down to Lispenard Street to pick up the plinth. I was there with Elaine during the week between Christmas and New Year’s, along with eight or ten other friends of Jan’s who’d come to celebrate the holidays. We’d had every intention of taking the plinth home with us and then forgot and left without it.
This time I made a special trip. “You look good,” she told me. “How’s the apartment? Are you in it yet?”
“The closing’s set for the first of the month.”
“That’s great. I don’t know if I told you, but I’m crazy about your lady. I hope you got her something nice for Christmas.”
“I had a police artist draw a picture of her father.”
“Why? Is he wanted for something?”
“He passed away years ago.”
“And you found somebody to copy a photograph?”
“He worked from memory,” I said. “Her memory.” I explained the process. She thought it was fascinating, but a strange Christmas present. “It was what she wanted,” I said. “It was a powerful emotional experience for her, working with the artist like that, and it came out looking good. And I, uh, gave her something else, too.”
“Oh?”
“A ring.”
“No kidding. Well, she’s terrific, Matthew. You did okay.”
“I know.”
“And so did she. I’m happy for both of you.”
“Thank you,” I said. “You’re looking good.”
“Ha! I am, aren’t I? I’m thinner than I’d like to be, which is something I swear I never thought I’d hear myself say. But it’s true, isn’t it? I’m looking better.”
“Definitely.”
“Well, I’m feeling better. I’m trying a few things.”
“Oh?”
“I’ve changed my diet around,” she said, “and I’m doing this raw juice therapy, and I’m on a couple of other quack regimens I’d be embarrassed to describe to you. See, I’ve made a profound inner decision that I want to live.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Well, I don’t know that it’s going to change anything. People have been drinking carrot juice and taking high colonics for years now and I haven’t seen that many undertakers declaring bankruptcy. But I feel better. That ought to be worth something right there, wouldn’t you say?”
“I would certainly think so.”
“And who knows, huh? Miracles happen. The medical profession just calls them something else, that’s all. Spontaneous remission, they call it. Or they say the initial diagnosis must have been inaccurate. But who the hell cares what they call it?” She shrugged. “To tell you the truth,” she said, “I don’t honestly expect a whole hell of a lot. But you never know.”
* * *
“YOU never know,” Elaine said. “Doctors don’t know everything.”
“No.”
“All they know is drugs and surgery and radiation. There are a lot of alternatives to traditional medicine, and sometimes they work a lot better. It sounds as though she’s doing some really good things for herself. What could it hurt?”
“I don’t see how it could.”
“No, and the attitudinal change might make all the difference. I’m not saying it’s all in her mind, it’s very obviously in her body, but your state of mind makes a difference, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely.”
“And miracles happen, just the way she said they do. God, look at all the miracles we both know walking around. Look at us, for that matter. We’re a miracle, aren’t we?”
“I’d say so.”
“So why shouldn’t Jan be one? I’ll tell you something. I think she’s going to make it.”
“Jesus, that would be great,” I said. “I hope you’re right.”
“I think I am,” she said. “I’ve got a feeling.”
SHE died in April.
The cruelest month, Eliot wrote. Breeding lilacs out of the dead land.
Mixing memory and desire. Stirring dull roots with spring rain.
That’s about as much of the poem as I’ve ever felt I really understood, but it’s enough.
The cruelest month, and I guess it got pretty cruel for her toward the end, but she made it through all right. She never did take any painkillers, although a few of us tried to talk her into it. She didn’t shoot herself, either. She wouldn’t part with the gun, wanting to have the option always available to her, but she never chose to use it.
NICHOLSON James was arrested in due course and charged with the murder of Roger Prysock. I haven’t followed the case too closely, but it sounds solid. The police turned up both eyewitnesses and physical evidence, and whether he stands trial or pleads to manslaughter, he’s a good bet to wind up doing some serious time. Meanwhile he’s chilling out on Rikers Island while his lawyer keeps getting postponements.
I’M in my hotel room now. From where I sit I can see the Parc Vendôme across the street, but I can’t see our apartment. We’re on the fourteenth floor in the rear of the building, with good views south and west. This room is nominally my office, although I can’t think why I would want to meet a client here. I can’t say I use the place to house my files; what records I keep would fit handily in a cigar box.
But I still seem to like having this private space, and Elaine doesn’t seem to mind.
I can see another building besides ours from my window. I have to look all the way to the right, and then I can just get a glimpse of the high-rise where Glenn Holtzmann lived, and where his widow continues to live. Again, I can’t see her window. It’s on the building’s west side, looking out over the Hudson, looking across to New Jersey.
Sometimes I sit here and look over there, and sometimes her phone number pops unbidden into my mind. Because I remember stuff, I guess.
This is Matt, I could say. Would you like company?
Acknowledgments
I am pleased to acknowledge the substantial contributions of the Writers Room in Greenwich Village, where the preliminary work on this book was done, and of Marta Curro, at whose house in Chelsea it was written.
The Devil Knows You’re Dead Page 30
