Her Only Chance

by Cheryl Anne Porter

  Melanie demurred with a classic uptilted look at him through her long eyelashes. “Only as necessary. And always for a good reason.”

  Kell laughed. Even more than Melanie’s beauty, he appreciated her for her warmth and wit…two of the same qualities he’d always admired in Jamie. “I’m in over my head with you, aren’t I?”

  “I expect so.”

  “You do know that Jamie thought you and I are together, don’t you?”

  “Well, we are together. But I know in what sense you mean.”

  “And you were content to let her think it, weren’t you?”

  Melanie raised her chin, à la Scarlet O’Hara. “As were you. But from what I just saw in that woman’s eyes when she looked at you, this isn’t the last you’ve seen of her. Now, what do you think of that?”

  Kell couldn’t deny the leap his heart took at such an idea. But out loud he quipped, “Frankly, my dear, I think I don’t give a damn.”

  THE NEXT DAY, Jamie flopped impatiently around her high-rise apartment, dressed only in shorts and a T-shirt. Nothing felt right. Even the brilliant Florida sunshine, sparkling off the blue water of the bay outside her balcony’s sliding-glass doors, couldn’t cheer her.

  That’s what she got for setting up the next two weeks as her downtime before beginning the arduous task of trying to make a glitzy bestseller out of her doctoral thesis. She’d known this time would be all she’d have to herself for a while and had looked forward to the freedom. But now the days seemed ominous, as if each passing second was stretched taut and yet frighteningly short. All because of Kell.

  Standing now at the closed glass doors, her arms crossed, Jamie watched a jogger slowly progressing along the same stretch of sidewalk that she and Donna had run. And decided she’d never felt more alone. She tried to tell herself that what she was experiencing was simply the normal letdown following the excitement of graduation. After all, her academic life, for the most part, was now over. That was good, she supposed.

  And then there was Mom and Donna. She’d really enjoyed their visit, just the three of them, girlfriending it all around Tampa. There’d been so much to show them. But now they were gone. Back home. A wistful feeling overtook Jamie. She’d hated not being able to tell them about the book deal. It had taken every bit of restraint she possessed to keep it a secret. But a signed deal was a signed deal. She was to tell no one. And she hadn’t.

  It was funny. She wanted this book contract mostly because of the good she could do with the money that came with it. And yet she couldn’t tell those it would affect. Jamie hated that her mother, who’d already suffered one heart attack, was still working and paying off a mortgage. Her mother had even managed to help Jamie through college, just as she had Donna. Now it was time to pay her mom back, to give her a carefree life, full of fun and travel, whatever she wanted. It was only fair. And her mother was still a relatively young woman of fifty-eight. She could find someone else to make her happy. Jamie smiled, knowing nothing would make her happier than giving back even a little of what her mother had given her.

  So her silence now about the book deal had been bittersweet, even more so as she’d watched her family leave. Their leaving always left a void and yesterday had been no exception. Again, she saw herself standing at the plate-glass window at the airport, watching the big jet take off, already missing them.

  She’d been sad…and seeing Kellan had made her feel so much worse. Jamie felt so hollow, so fragile. It had upset her to realize that she’d wanted nothing more, as he walked away with that woman, than to humiliate herself and chase after him, crying out his name, begging him to stop. What a desperate, romantic scene that would have been. Like the foggy airport scene at the end of Casablanca. Of all the homecomings and leave-takings that go on day in and day out at airports all around the world, you had to walk into this one. Or something like that.

  Still, she couldn’t get yesterday’s scene out of her mind. There she’d sat, unaware of his nearness, enjoying the moment with her sister. Then, out of the blue, Kell and that gorgeous Melanie Something had walked right up to her and Donna. What were the chances that her mother would run into them in a complex the size of Tampa International Airport? Stupid fate.

  Poor Mom. Before she’d gotten onto the airplane, she’d said she was sorry. She simply hadn’t known what to do once she’d realized it was Kell she’d bumped into. She’d been stuck and had to bring him over and she hoped she hadn’t upset Jamie. Jamie recalled now downplaying the moment, telling her mother that was silly, she was over him and had been for a long time.

  Yeah, right. I’m over him. Tears threatened in Jamie’s eyes. She blinked and sniffed, telling herself she could not do this. Not for a license. Not for a publisher. She just couldn’t contact Kell now that she knew about Melanie. Another woman. Talk about closure. Jamie knew she should be happy for him. He’d gotten over her, that was easy to see. But it hurt. Turning away from the glass doors, Jamie told herself she needed to shake herself out of this mood before she did something dire…like eat all the ice cream she had stashed in the freezer. She perked up…Hey, ice cream. That sounds good—

  The phone rang. Blessedly.

  Relieved for her waistline, Jamie ran for the cordless set, flitting around her furniture and hoping it was either Becca or Jan or Carrie—or all three of her friends, women who understood the terrible possibility of death by chocolate. They could all go out to lunch. Or for a ride to the beach. Or shop. No, wait, this was Monday. They’d all be at work. So who could be on the line? She grabbed the phone on the third ring. “Hello?”

  “Jamie? It’s Kell.”

  Jamie froze, staring at her reflection in the ornately framed beveled mirror over the sofa. The woman staring back at her looked shocked. Because that woman is, Jamie told herself. Her heart was pounding and she felt hot and weak and giddy.

  In the earpiece she heard Kell saying, “Jamie? Are you there? Do I have the right number? Is this 2-5-8—”

  “Yes. It’s me—” she swallowed, having trouble saying his name “—Kell. I’m just…I’m here. Hi.”

  “Hi. You okay?” His voice sounded low and seductive. It frittered on Jamie’s nerve endings.

  Despite their public fuss yesterday, she strove for light and cheerful. “Sure. I’m fine. Couldn’t be better. How about you? You okay? How’s Melanie?”

  After a second or two, Kell said, “She’s fine. All safe at home after visiting her husband.”

  “Her husband?” Jamie was shocked. What he did and who he saw were really none of her business. But considering she had the home field advantage with him—meaning, she’d known him since he was a kid—she could be judgmental. “Kellan Chance, you’re seeing a married woman? What would your mother say?”

  “Nothing, because there’s nothing to say. Melanie, just like her husband, Jeff, is a good friend of mine.” Kell chuckled. “Not that I owe you an explanation, but I was just seeing her home after an overseas flight.”

  A bit embarrassed, Jamie tried to keep the moment. “Oh, a world traveler, huh? Must be fun.”

  “Not this trip.” Kell’s voice was dark. “Jeff was…injured and is in the military hospital in Frankfurt, Germany. Melanie had been over there with him. So when she flew back home, I offered to pick her up. It’s the least I could do.”

  They were friends. Just friends. Jamie’s heart soared. Kellan didn’t have someone else, and he wasn’t over her. She knew this because he’d just gone to great lengths to explain things to her. “That was nice of you to help out a friend,” she finally said. “So how’s her husband? Is he going to be okay?”

  Kell didn’t say anything at first. After a few moments, he said, “Jeff will be fine. Melanie wouldn’t have come back otherwise.” She heard him let out a loud breath. “Listen, Jamie, I really called to apologize to you for what a jerk I was at the airport yesterday.”

  She couldn’t believe her ears. “What’s this? An apology from the Kellan Chance?”

  He chuckl
ed. “Knock it off. I’m trying to be nice here.”

  “Wow. Now I’m worried. I must be dying and no one’s told me. I mean, an apology and an attempt to be nice—all in the same conversation?”

  “People change, you know. You probably wouldn’t recognize a lot of things about me now.”

  Jamie tensed, again assailed with the same fear that had gripped her when Dr. Hampton had asked her what she’d do if Kell ever changed. Suddenly claustrophobic, she searched for something innocuous to say. “So, were you and your friend Jeff on some mission when he was injured?”

  “You know I can’t say if I was there or even if it was a mission.”

  Which meant it had been and Kell had been there. Still, something in his voice, a sadness or a hardness, she didn’t know which, made Jamie ask, “Kellan, are you all right?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “You don’t sound fine.” Now that she thought about it, yesterday he’d looked thinner. His handsome face had been all taut angular lines. And he’d walked stiffly, too, maybe a bit slower. Then, because he was so somber, so different, and because she was worried about him, Jamie reverted to familiar ground. “So, are you still Mr. Important out at MacDill?”

  That earned her another chuckle…a sound she knew well and loved, one that had her stroking the mouthpiece in her hand, as if by doing so she could feel Kell’s strong jaw or his clean-shaven cheek. “Ironically,” he said, “I’m even more so now, it turns out. And how about you, Dr. Winslow? I’m really proud of you—not that you could tell yesterday by my behavior at the airport.”

  “Forget that, Kell. We were both pretty immature. The shock of seeing each other, I guess. I’m over it.”

  “Well, good. But I’m still sorry. So, are you going into private practice?”

  Jamie exhaled in frustration. When would she ever be able to tell anyone the truth? “No. Not exactly. Why? Are you in need of a therapist?”

  “Surprisingly, yes. It’s been suggested.”

  Jamie laughed. “I bet it has.” But she already knew that the men of the Special Forces units regularly undergo psychological testing and evaluation because of the nature of their jobs.

  “So, Jamie, how come there’s no new man in your life?”

  Well, that touched a very old and deep wound between them. But his voice hadn’t sounded anything but conversationally friendly…maybe. “Now, how do you know there isn’t? I could just be going by my maiden name, you know.”

  “That’s true.”

  He didn’t believe her in the least. Mainly, she decided, because he knew her too well. After all, he was the man she’d twice left standing alone. There it was—the old commitment thing. Jamie smiled wistfully. “I can’t pull anything over on you, can I?”

  “No. Afraid not.”

  After that, the conversation seemed to drag. Jamie couldn’t think of a thing to say. And all Kellan did was breathe…and perhaps wait for her to say something. She wondered why he’d called, where this was going. “Are you married, Kellan?” she suddenly blurted.

  “Oh, hell no. You broke me of wanting that. Ever.”

  Well, if she thought the conversation had lagged before…

  “Look, Jamie,” Kellan suddenly said, “you want to get a drink or something right now? Maybe ride to the beach, if you don’t have plans?”

  He was asking her out? “No, I don’t.”

  “You don’t what—have plans or want to?”

  He was so direct. And giving her the opening she needed to speed up the closure Dr. Hampton so obnoxiously insisted on. Jamie moistened her lips. She couldn’t think how to respond. It suddenly seemed cheap to use him like this. Especially when he was down and a little vulnerable. But wasn’t that the perfect mood for him to be in for her to achieve her goal? Well, that sounds perfectly noble, Dr. Jamie Lynn Winslow.

  “Hello? Jamie?”

  Jamie started, as if only then realizing she held a cordless phone to her ear. “Oh, I’m sorry, Kell. You just surprised me, that’s all.”

  “I didn’t mean to. But what do you say?”

  He sounded as if he really needed to talk to her. This was so scary and so unlike Kellan. Jamie’s chest constricted. Why was she so good at this with patients but terrible at it in her own life? “No, Kell. I…can’t go with you. I’d like to. But I can’t.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” His voice betrayed nothing.

  Helplessness ate at her. She didn’t want to turn him down. She wanted to go, but she feared it was for the wrong reason. For her reason. And not his. If he was really down, then he deserved honesty and sincerity. Not her self-serving motivations. “I just can’t. I’m really sorry, Kellan.”

  His silence told her he clearly hadn’t expected that response. Just as she was about to change her mind, he said, “All right. If you can’t, you can’t. Sorry I bothered you, Jamie. I shouldn’t have called. I guess I just let the past get in my way there for a minute. It was nice seeing you yesterday. I was just hoping—well, never mind. It won’t happen again. Goodbye.”

  Jamie started to protest…but the line went dead.

  3

  THE HOLLOW SOUND of a dial tone assaulted Jamie’s ear. Hating herself, she hit the off button, and tossed the cordless set onto her overstuffed sofa. She followed it, plopping down on the poofy cushions. “Jamie Lynn, why didn’t you go?” she asked herself. “Because I—”

  The phone rang again.

  Startled, her pulse racing, Jamie searched the cushions for the receiver. And came up with it on the fourth ring. “Hello? Kellan? I’m sorry. I—”

  “Jamie? This is Dr. Hampton. Are you all right? You sound breathless.”

  “Dr. Hampton? Oh, hi. No, I’m fine.” Acute disappointment ate at her. It wasn’t Kellan. Of course it wasn’t Kellan. Why would he subject himself to further rejection? “Did I forget a session?”

  “No, no. We need to schedule one, if you’ll remember. I told you I’d call you the first of the week. Remember? And this is Monday, Jamie.”

  “I know what day of the week it is, Dr. Hampton. I am firmly oriented as to day and time.”

  “Of course you are, Jamie.”

  That’s when it hit her. He was right—this was Monday. Why wasn’t Kellan at the base? How could he be free to ride to the beach on a Monday? That didn’t make sense. He never took time off. Jamie frowned. Something was wrong with Kellan.

  “Jamie?”

  “Oh, sorry, Dr. Hampton. I’m right here. When did you want to see me?”

  “That depends on you. Have you had an opportunity to speak with Mr. Chance?”

  “Sort of.” When Dr. Hampton didn’t say anything—it was like being back in his office—Jamie rushed to explain. “I mean I had a chance—no pun intended—encounter with him yesterday at the airport. And he just called me a few moments ago.”

  “Oh. That explains why you thought I was Kellan.”

  Caught red-handed. “Yes, sorry. But the conversation between us didn’t go well. As usual.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I guess we couldn’t expect it to be smooth sailing right out of the chute.”

  Jamie frowned. A mixed metaphor from Dr. Hampton? It really was Monday. “No. I guess not.”

  “May I ask why it didn’t go well?”

  “Sure. You’re the guy with the license.” She had to wonder why she was always on the defensive with Dr. Hampton.

  “You’re being defensive, Jamie.”

  She exhaled sharply. The man missed nothing. “I know. I can’t seem to be any other way with you.”

  “Just relax and let me help. So, I guess we’d better set up an appointment. How is Thursday afternoon at three, shall we say?”

  As if she had any plans. “Fine.”

  “Good. That gives you another three days to talk to Mr. Chance. In the meantime, give some thought to a specific plan. Be proactive in this. Set some goals so you’ll know if you’re making progress. I think that will help you.” Dr. Hampton paused. When he spoke a
gain, his voice held a different tone, that of a friend…or a father. “I wouldn’t ask you to do this, Jamie, if it weren’t important. I might be your therapist, but I also like you very much. You’re a wonderful young woman with a bright future. I have been proud to call you my student…and now, hopefully, my colleague and friend.”

  Tears clogged her throat. She’d never seen this side of Dr. Hampton before. “Thank you,” she managed to sniff out.

  “You’re welcome.” Then, he turned professional again. “Well, then. Does meeting with Mr. Chance remain something you’re comfortable doing?”

  No. “Yes. But you know, he seems sort of down about something, Dr. Hampton. I don’t want to use him for my purposes, if he’s really vulnerable right now.”

  “That’s very admirable, Jamie. But you wouldn’t be using him if you were sincerely listening to him and being his friend. In fact, why don’t you strive for that, for just being his friend? You might be able to help him. After all, you are a trained professional, as the joke goes, so you can try this at home. Come up with a non-threatening situation for your first meeting. Maybe a ride to the beach?”

  “Well, that’s already been discussed. Apparently, I should be listening. Anyway, thank you for your advice. I’ll be Kell’s friend, and I’ll see you Thursday at three.”

  “I look forward to it.”

  “Me, too. Bye, Dr. Hampton.” Jamie hit the off button again and just sat there, the phone in her lap, staring into space.

  She’d just blown Kell off and now she had to reestablish contact with him. Fine. But on my terms, not his. That was why she’d refused him when he’d called, she told herself. She hadn’t been comfortable with the scenario. His car. His money paying for their drinks—he would have insisted on that. Kellan calling the shots. The balance of power would have been all wrong. She needed it to be on her side when she talked to him about closure. Her closure. Not his.

  Jamie frowned. Now, that sounded terribly selfish. It brought back Kell’s remark yesterday about her thinking everything was about her, and that bothered her. Maybe the problem was she spent too much time considering every motive behind every act that every person ever made. Well, hadn’t she just spent the last ten years training to do exactly that? So why should she beat herself up about being true to her profession? Alleged profession, if I don’t find closure. So there it was. Maybe she was trying too hard. Maybe she just needed to lighten up and concentrate on other people. Wasn’t that what her profession was all about, anyway? Helping others?