The Contest

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  She texted Ang to let her know she was there and Ang told her what gate to go to. Madi took a deep breath and looked down at herself. She had somehow managed to fit into Kendra’s red v-neck blouse and her faded boot-cut jeans. She’d lost weight. Apparently not eating could do that.

  Madi inched slowly toward the gate. She felt her heart race. She missed him so badly. She felt for a moment that she could smell him. She couldn’t do it. As she turned to go back, she heard Ang’s voice.

  “Oh no you don’t! Get over here and give me a hug!”

  Madi had to smile. Seeing Ang made her feel a little better. She was always so kind and reassuring. Ang gave her a pass to wear and the guard let her through.

  “Look at you! Madi, have you lost weight?”

  “A little.”

  Ang furrowed her brows as she ushered Madi through the door. Her heart felt as though it might jump out of her chest and run for the car. “I timed it out so you would get here after intermission. After the concert, you and I will go to dinner and catch up!”

  Ang hugged her and Madi found herself holding onto her tightly. Being near Ang reminded Madi of being in LA and being near Jake. She had started to feel like maybe the whole thing had been a dream.

  Madi could hear him. He was finishing a song and the crowd was screaming. Then, she could see him from the side. He looked like Jake. He was wearing a long-sleeved, button-down shirt with faded jeans and black shoes. He had his trademark stubble that made him look sexy and tough at the same time. He smiled and waved to the crowd and as he began to speak, Madi closed her eyes and took in the sound of his voice. She hadn’t heard him in so long and his voice pierced through her soul. She suddenly felt she could breathe a little easier just being near him. She watched his movements and looked at his body. She closed her eyes and all the memories came flooding in: sitting on the couch with him, packing boxes, playing video games, watching him at the piano, driving in his car, laughing with him, his lips on her forehead, his hands in the car outside his parents house, waking with her head on his chest, his smell, his smile, his voice, his pain, his touch, his kiss. Her thoughts had gone on and on. How long had she stood there thinking of him? It was too much. Madi wanted to leave.

  “I have to go, Ang. I… I can’t be here anymore.”

  “It’s almost over. Just two more songs, please stay.”

  “I don’t want to see him when he comes backstage.” Madi wrung her hands in fear for her heart.

  “Let’s go into the audience, we’ll blend in.”

  Madi wasn’t sure why, but she followed Ang into the crowd, waiting for Jake to be turned so he wouldn’t see her. As Madi sat down, Ang sent a text and said it was Michelle checking in. Madi watched Trey look down. They finished the song and he motioned to Jake. Jake’s face took a serious turn.

  “Thank you, Chicago!” he yelled into his headset.

  The crowd went wild.

  “I’ve always been fond of Chicago; the food, especially the pizza, the people here… Chicago has some of the best people in the world.” More people cheered and a couple people screamed, “We love you, Jake!” Madi cringed.

  “I have to tell you that I lost something here in Chicago. Something I really need to get back. Have you ever lost something and then realized too late that you didn’t know what you had? I was hoping that you all wouldn’t mind if I tried to get it back tonight.” The crowd cheered again in support.

  Madi didn’t remember this part of the set. What was he doing? He must have changed something.

  “Men can be really stupid, right ladies? Sorry guys. Are there even any guys here tonight?” Cheers from the ladies, a few cheers from individual men. Everyone laughed.

  “This song is for every woman who had a man who lived in the dark. A man who let her go. A man who was too blind to see what he had until it was too late. For you men, turn to her right now and tell her… Tell her how she makes you feel. This is for you, Madi.”

  Madi listened as he spoke, not understanding what he was saying until she heard her name. She gasped and turned to Ang as the music began to play. Ang held her hand tightly; she wouldn’t let her go. “Madi, I’m sorry, but you need to hear this and he needs to say it.”

  You came into my world like a melody.

  My heart believed you were a song.

  Then you changed me with your quiet harmony.

  Had you been there all along?

  Madi couldn’t breathe. He turned and at looked directly at her. He knew exactly where she would be sitting. His eyes melted into hers and Madi’s heart broke in two.

  The way you make me feel is like a chorus line….

  Playing softly in my mind.

  The way you make me feel makes my heart beat out of time…

  Flashing signals, flashing signs.

  The way you make me feel is the anthem for my soul,

  And I should have found the words to let you know,

  The way you make me feel.

  A subtle change in the words as his hand reached out to her then up to his heart. His eyes, they were full of pain and something else, but what? What was this? Was it another game? Was he playing with her and her feelings for him? Was he trying to tell her something? How did he know she was even there?

  The song ended and Ang pulled her backstage again. Madi was in shock. She didn’t know what was happening. Ang led her though several halls and doors. Dave passed and hugged her, saying it was good to see her. Before she knew it, she was in a dressing room. It was Jake’s.

  ‘No, Ang. I can’t be here.”

  “Yes you can.”

  “No, Jake doesn’t want to see me.”

  “Oh Madi, who do you think set this whole thing up?”

  “What?” Her head shot around in shock.

  “Jake asked me to call you. He asked me to get you here. He didn’t think you’d come if he had asked you. He wants to see you. He needs to talk to you.”

  “There must be some kind of mistake.” Madi hugged herself to steady her balance. She suddenly felt faint.

  “This is not a mistake. There was a mistake though, and that’s why Jake wanted to see you again.” Ang said earnestly. “He needs to explain.”

  “I can’t be here! I can’t put my heart through seeing him again. I don’t want to hear him say he’s sorry he hurt me. He told me he would and he was right. I should have listened to him from the start.”

  “You just need to give him a chance,” Ang pleaded.

  “Give him a chance? Do you know how many chances I’ve given him? He doesn’t want me. He told me that. He told me he’d never have feelings for me and that he wanted me to go home. Did I misinterpret that somehow? He meant what he said. I’m not going to stand here and wait for him again.”

  Madi tried to leave and the door was locked. Ang grinned and shrugged. “To say he doesn’t know you would be an understatement. He said you’d try to run. Please don’t shoot the messenger.”

  “This is kidnapping!” Madi said as she tugged on the door.

  “Are you going to press charges against me? Because I am doing this of my own free will. It was his idea, but… Listen to me. Have I ever steered you wrong? Have I ever not done what I felt you needed? What I felt was best for you?”

  Madi shook her head no.

  “Please give him a chance. I know he’s an idiot. I know he’s put you through a lot of ups and downs, but Madi, I also know he’s a wonderful, loving, man. His heart gets caught up with his head and he doesn’t think clearly. Just give him a chance. If not for you, if not for him, then for me?”

  Madi could hear the loud screams of the crowd, then the click of a lock. She turned and he was standing in front of her. Ang snuck out behind him and Madi attempted to go as well. The door locked again.

  “You can’t keep me here! This is kidnapping.”

  Jake’s face went from concern to amusement.

  “You need to let me go right now, Jake! I don’t want to be here and I certainly don’t want t
o be here with you!”

  “Someone is extra feisty tonight, just how I like her,” he said as he ran his hand over his chin.

  “You’re an ass!” she shouted as she tried to rush past him.

  He held up his hands and she stopped. “Yes I am. I know I am, that’s one of the reasons I’ve got you neatly packed away in this room. I knew you wouldn’t want to see me and you have every right to hate me.”

  “You’re damn right I do. Open this door and let me go. Just let me go, Jake!”

  “I let you go once before and that didn’t work out very well for me.”

  He stepped closer and Madi could smell him. She had to close her eyes and look away. There was something about him that made her weak and she did not want him to know that she was weak in any way.”

  “You smell good, too.”

  “What makes you think I was smelling you?” she said in an aggravated huff.

  “Madi, do you know how many times I’ve seen that same look on your face? I know exactly how you react when I’m near you because I feel the same way.”

  “You don’t know how I feel and you certainly don’t feel in any way shape or form the way I do.”

  “You’re really pissed at me, aren’t you?” He took a step closer and she took a step back.

  “Yes, now get the fuck away from me.”

  “Ouch. That was harsh,” he said with a curl of his lips.

  “It doesn’t feel very good, does it?”

  He bowed his head and sighed. His eyes seemed to turn a deeper shade of blue. Madi could see that she’d wounded him. She wished she could take it back.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

  He looked up at her, “No, you have every right to say that to me. That is what I said to you.”

  Madi looked down.

  “Don’t look down. If anyone should be hiding it’s me. The way I behaved… What I said to you…”

  “It’s fine, Jake. I forgive you, okay? I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or carry around some pain thinking you hurt me. I’m not Gina, or Tessa, or Summer or anyone else. I’m over it and I’m over you.”

  Madi could see the bite of her last words register on his face. “Do you really mean that, Madi? Are you really over me?”

  Madi tried to read his face. She tried to figure out what he needed her to say.

  “Stop trying to think of what to say to me. Stop trying to think of what it is I need to hear. Just be completely honest with me. If you are over me and you’ve moved on, I need you to just say it. Tell me how you really feel.”

  “I’ve told you how I felt before and it didn’t matter,” she said as the pain of the past registered on her face.

  Jake sighed. Madi had to look away from him. Her heart was pounding in her chest. It was telling her to throw her arms around him and tell him she loved him, but her brain was reminding her he didn’t want her.

  Jake smiled, then frowned. “That morning when I woke up and you were gone? I searched for you. I called everywhere and everyone I could to find you. When I realized you had left, my heart broke.”

  “Your heart broke? What heart?”

  Jake cringed then shook his head. “Please let me finish.”

  “Fine.” She crossed her arms as if they would somehow protect her own heart.

  “I do have a heart. I know that’s hard for you to believe and I don’t blame you. I didn’t exactly serve it up to you on a silver platter. At first, I was hurt that you had left without even talking to me, then I got angry that you hadn’t even given me a chance.”

  “A chance? Are you kidding me?” she huffed.

  “Madi, please. I know you have a lot to say to me and I have a lot to say to you, but will you please, please let me try to explain?”

  The expression on his face was genuine. He seemed like he was in agony. Madi’s mood changed when she saw how he was looking at her. She needed to let him say he was sorry so he could move on. She needed to let him feel better even if it meant breaking her heart all over again. She nodded her head for him to continue, implying she wouldn’t interrupt. He looked like he might reach for her but he stopped himself.

  “That night after you were attacked, my world started to unravel. I thought I had it all together, but when I fell asleep with you in my arms, everything changed. I wouldn’t let myself feel for you before that. I’d always believed that caring for me meant pain and I didn’t want to hurt you. You have to know that.”

  Madi nodded again as her eyes fell to the floor.

  “But there you were.” He bent down slightly in an attempt to get her to look at him. “Every time I’d push away you’d pull me back in. I tried… I tried so hard. But you… you’re so damn sweet, and kind, and patient, and your questions… your stubbornness. You just wouldn’t give up on me. I should have told you. There were so many times that I could have and I didn’t. I let my stupid past come in between us and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being honest with you. I’m sorry for not kissing you every time I had the chance, because believe me, when you were gone, I thought about every single one of them.”

  Madi felt confused. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. I don’t know what you want from me.”

  He continued, “Since the moment I met you, since the moment you walked into my life in that contest… From that moment, I have been entranced by you, bewitched by you, and completely devoted to you. When you stood in front of me and told me that you loved me, I got scared. I didn’t think I deserved your love. I didn’t want you to be stuck in my messed up head and my messed up world, so I lied. I lied to you, Madi.”

  Madi was trying to read him, but she refused to let herself hope or feel. “Lied about what?”

  “I lied when I told you I didn’t want you like that. I’ve wanted you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I lied when I said I wanted you to leave. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be near you. I thought I was doing what was best for you. In my own mixed up way, I was trying to put you first.”

  “Jake… I…”

  “I lied to you when I told you I would never love you.” He walked closer to her and Madi could feel her body start to tremble. “Because Madi, that’s just not true.”

  “Is this some kind of a joke?” she asked in frustration and disbelief. “Am I supposed to fall for this just so you can laugh at me? You’ve made it clear to me that you don’t feel that way about me. What kind of game are you playing? I’m done trying to put pieces together. They’re all just a bunch of crumbled bits of what’s left of my heart.”

  Jake ran his hands through his hair and slumped his shoulders. “You don’t believe me.” He took a deep breath and took her hand in his. “I need to know. Do you still love me? Are you done with me?”

  Madi sighed. He looked so worried. She had to tell him. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. No matter what happened between them, her feelings for him remained the same. “I could never be done with you. I’ll always love you even though you’ll never love me.”

  Jake appeared happy and sad at the same time. “When I kissed you, baby, I wasn’t being ‘generous’. I didn’t kiss you because I felt sorry for you. I kissed you because I wanted to. I didn’t want you to leave. I thought you could tell. I thought you knew that I wasn’t interested in a one-night stand. I wasn’t saying goodbye, Madi. I was letting you in. I was trying to show you how I felt about you. When I touched you…” He stepped closer and the back of his fingers skimmed her cheek. “I touched you because I wanted to be closer to you. I was trying to tell you that I wanted to hold you and that I wanted to be inside you. I was trying to show you how I felt about you. I thought you knew. I thought you could feel how much I cared. How much I needed you.”

  “You needed me?” Madi could feel her walls start to crumble. The bits of her heart were holding hands, trying to put their puzzle back together.

  Jake huffed and shook his head with a cautious smile. “Madi, don’t you see?” He took her hand and p
laced it over his heart. “Can’t you see how much I love you?”

  Madi gasped.

  He bit his lower lip briefly before his eyes bore into hers with a look that Madi now recognized as one of love. He spoke as if every word was a song that he had written just for her. There was passion in his voice and a certainty that allowed Madi to breathe for the first time in weeks.

  He continued as he held her hand on his beating heart. “I have loved you since I saw your smile and felt your hand in mine. I’ve loved you since you smelled my hair and grabbed my ass. I loved you when you called me a prick and when you called me on my shit. I loved you when you asked me questions and when you tried to ease my pain. I loved you when you sang to me, both times, and when I sang to you. I loved you when you put your head on my shoulder, when you sat with me on the hill, and when you fell asleep in my arms. I loved you when I carried you to your bed when I really wanted to take you to mine. I loved you when you threw yourself at me in red panties and when you told me I was the steak. I loved you when you wanted to use that entire box of condoms and if you hadn’t been drunk, I’d probably have done it. I loved you when you told me you loved me, when I made love to you, and when you left me. I couldn’t admit it until it was too late, but if you’ll give me the chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to show you. I loved you then, Madi, and I love you now. I’ve always loved you and I always will.”