To Hope Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 3)

by Lillianna Blake

  She looked into Mateo’s eyes for some sense of stability within the chaos of her emotions.

  He held her gaze and kept her hands in his grasp. “You’re not a fool. You believed the best you saw in your parents. You were traumatized by their loss, Jillian. That’s nothing you should be ashamed about.”

  “I’ve compared every relationship I’ve ever been in to theirs. I wanted the perfection that I thought they had. How can I ever trust my instincts if that’s what I’ve based my adult life on?” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I pushed that memory down so far. I have no right to guide anyone else through life.”

  “That’s not true.” Mateo sighed and then smiled at her. “Look, you got me meditating, that’s something no one else could have accomplished.”

  “You’re just being nice.” She paused a moment and looked into his eyes. “Why are you being so nice?”

  “Maybe because I can see that you’re hurting, and I want to make good on that offer of friendship.” He touched her cheek and brushed the remainder of a tear away. “What you’ve discovered is a lot to process, but you’ll get through it. It’s better to know the truth. Maybe your parents weren’t perfect, but they were still your family. They taught you to love, to want to help others, to value all the right things. Don’t let one mistake ruin your memory of your father.”

  “How can I not? He was responsible for my mother’s death. Nothing can change that.”

  “He made a mistake. Do you really think he got behind that wheel knowing that it would be the last time?” Mateo shook his head. “People make awful decisions sometimes, and pay terrible consequences, but that doesn’t change who they were. Not really.”

  “I don’t know, Mateo. I’ve made a career out of forgiveness and living in the moment, but this has really thrown me for a loop. I don’t even think I know who I am any more.”

  “Sure you do.” He brushed his fingertips from the base of her fingers to the tips. “You’re a patient person. You love people and want to help them navigate their lives. You have very bad taste in music.”

  “Mateo!” She couldn’t help but laugh a little. His smile lit up his eyes. There it was, that sense of relief she’d experienced during the meditation she’d done with Angela. She was so glad that Mateo was there with her, holding her hand, as she was experiencing one of the hardest moments of her life.

  “Thank you, Mateo.”

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “You do more than you think. You’re pretty amazing.”

  “Amazing enough for a kiss?” He leaned a little closer to her. “Or are you still afraid?”

  She bit into her bottom lip and hesitated. There was no question that she wanted to kiss him, but following through with it was another story. She no longer had an example to model a relationship after. Mateo, with all his unpredictable behavior, was somehow perfect to her. But did that mean he was perfect for her? How could he be with all the healing he had yet to do?

  “Can we start with friendship? Can that be enough for now?”

  “I have to be honest with you. Friendship is not what I want. It will never be enough. I’ll always be your friend, but I’ll always want more.”

  “How can you know that? What about Kate?”

  “Who?” He grinned.

  Jillian swatted playfully at his shoulder.

  “Look, I know the timing might seem off. But maybe we’re exactly what we need right now.” He stroked his thumb over her chin and tipped her mouth toward his. “Maybe love can be more than just healthy. Maybe love can heal us both?”

  She waited for the instinct to resist him. She waited for the alarms to ring in the back of her mind. With every instant that passed, his lips moved closer to hers. Frozen, she awaited the warmth of his kiss.

  When she received it, she leaned into it with more passion than he’d offered. Everything that felt wrong about her desire for him disappeared in the sensual motion of his lips.

  Slowly, as if he feared she would push him away at any moment, he wrapped an arm around her waist.

  She found comfort in his closeness, soothed by the gentle insistence of his mouth. It stirred pleasure and a reprieve from the intensity of the memory that she’d tried so hard to forget.

  Mateo was the one to break the kiss. “I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It’s okay.” She smiled. “I happened to enjoy it.”

  “Good.” His smile spread wider. “Should we try again?”

  “No.” She got to her feet. “I need some time to sort through some things. Okay?”

  “I’ll just be next door—if you need a reminder of how much you enjoy it.” He stood up as well.

  “Thanks. Maybe we can try this again sometime?”

  “I’m counting on it.”

  “I meant meditation.” She eyed him with a small smile.

  “Does it always end like that?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “Would that make you meditate more often?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Same place, same time tomorrow.” She laughed.

  As she walked away, she could feel his eyes on her. Even though she had a lot to get through regarding her parents, Mateo had found a way to brighten her mood. There was something wonderful about that. Still, she wanted to be cautious about moving forward. She felt more vulnerable than ever.

  Over the next few days, Mateo showed up every morning to join her in meditation, and at the end of each session they shared one sweet slow kiss. Every time it got harder and harder for Jillian to pull away. She was beginning to suspect that perhaps Mateo wasn’t so wrong for her after all.

  At the end of the week she engaged in a little yard work. As she raked the leaves into a pile the motion allowed her mind and her body to relax. The repetition soothed her.

  She was so entranced that she didn’t notice that she had an audience.

  Chapter 30

  “You know that more will fall, right?” Mateo leaned against a tree not far from where Jillian was piling up her leaves.

  “Are you just going to watch me, or are you going to help?” She flashed a grin at him. “I could use the help.”

  “Unfortunately, I don’t have a rake.” He held out his hands helplessly.

  “Lucky for me, there’s one in the shed over there.” She raised an eyebrow, then laughed at the frown that flickered across his features. “I’m just kidding, Mateo.”

  “I’ll be right there.”

  She watched as he walked over to the shed to retrieve the rake. With swift, even moments he raked the leaves into a pile. She marveled for a moment at the way his body moved, then she mirrored his movements with her own rake.

  “How is your morning going?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “It’s better now.”

  “What’s wrong?” She continued to rake, as did he.

  “I heard from Kate’s lawyer. Apparently she has ground to stand on when it comes to the house. It’s considered a marital asset and since our agreement to trade the apartment and contents for the house was verbal, it won’t hold up in court.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “I am.” Mateo narrowed his eyes. “Now the moment I sell it, she’ll likely be getting half the profit.”

  “That’s unbelievable. You’re the one doing all the work. Why should she get anything from it?” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Mateo. That’s beyond frustrating.”

  “It’s difficult.” He swept his pile of leaves into the large pile she’d already formed. “But there’s not much I can do about it. She wins yet again.”

  His words made her heart sink. More than anything she was aware that Mateo needed a win. She leaned on her rake for a moment. “Well, there is one thing that you could do.”

  “What?” He glanced over at her. “I’m not burning the place down.”

  “No, of course not. You could just decide to live in it.” Her heart lurched as she waited for his response.

  “W
hat do you mean?”

  “It seems to me that Kate is driven by money, and money only. If you continue to live in the house, she can’t make a profit from it. She can demand that you buy out her half, but I doubt a judge will sign off on that if he knows the whole story.” She began to rake again. “Of course it’s just an idea.”

  “Honestly, I never even thought of that. Since I arrived here, everything has been about getting the house done and on the market. I’m not sure I could live in the home that was meant to be—”

  “—It’s just a house, Mateo.” She locked eyes with him and held the connection. “It’s not hers. You imagined your future with her in it, yes. But now—can’t you imagine a different future?”

  He smiled just at the corners of his mouth and nodded. “Maybe I can.”

  “It’s something to think about it. You’ll have to ask your lawyer. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.”

  “I think it’s a great idea.” He raked his way closer to her. “Thank you for suggesting it.”

  When his elbow bumped into hers she met his eyes again. “Is it something that you’d consider? Would you really stay?”

  He leaned the rake against the trunk of a nearby tree and looked at her. “That depends. Could you stand having me as your neighbor?” His smile grew warm as he looked at her.

  “I think I could manage.” She rested her rake against the same tree as he took a step toward her. “In fact, I might even enjoy it.”

  “Oh, I think I might too.” He trailed his palm along the curve of her hip. She felt the heat of his touch through the thick denim. “In fact, I’m sure I would.”

  “If you stay, I promise not to play my music too loud.” She moved a little closer to him, so that their bodies nearly touched.

  “Not ever?” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Because I’d hate to have to tell you to turn it down.”

  “Ask me.”

  “Ask you what?” He searched her eyes.

  “You’d be asking me to turn it down, not telling me to.” She raised an eyebrow.

  “You don’t like to be told what to do, that’s right.” His smile spread into a grin. “You like to be the one in control, hm?” He brushed the tip of his nose along the slope of her neck and took a deep breath of the scent of her hair.

  “Maybe.” A shiver of anticipation crept up along her spine. It forced her even closer to him.

  “Too bad.” He drew back from her.

  Her eyes widened. Was he really just going to tease her?

  “Because in a healthy relationship, Jillian, you can’t always be in control. Sometimes, you have to let someone else take charge.”

  She studied him as confusion began to twist her thoughts. Was he teasing her? All her questions were answered when he swept her up in his arms. “Mateo, what are you doing?” She kicked her legs. “Put me down!”

  “Are you sure?” He kissed the curve of her cheek. “That’s what you want me to do?” He kissed the side of her neck.

  “Yes, this is silly. Please.” She gulped at the sensation of his lips on her neck. “Put me down.” Her protest grew weak. “Please?”

  He kissed further down along the side of her neck. “Since you asked so nicely.” He pivoted and in one fluid but gentle motion he tossed her down into the pile of leaves.

  She shrieked at the brief sense of weightlessness and then the tumble to the soft but scratchy leaves. When she parted her lips to chastise him, it was too late.

  He stretched out on top of her and coaxed her lips into a kiss rather than a lecture.

  Every instinct for control in her body reacted at the same time. She almost tossed him off, until the passion of the kiss stirred her desire.

  All at once the beauty of the moment struck her. Mateo’s body curled against hers, leaves fluttering down on top of them, and only the lake as witness to their sensual tryst.

  Her hands didn’t shove at his shoulders. Instead, they dove back through his hair and pulled his lips more securely against her own.

  Chapter 31

  It had started with a stray pine needle. It dangled from a strand of her hair, unbeknownst to Jillian. Something about it made her even more beautiful to Mateo. The entire time he raked, he couldn’t take his eyes off her.

  When he saw his opportunity, he took it. He was well aware that he risked a slap in the face, but he didn’t care. He wanted to break her free and show her that she didn’t always have to be in control.

  With her body beneath his, he soon realized that he was no longer in control either. In fact, neither of them was. The power of the kiss he shared with her directed their actions. When she pulled him closer, a soft moan escaped his lips. He couldn’t begin to focus on how he ended up there—in a pile of leaves with a woman who insisted she was only his friend—but he knew that he didn’t want to be anywhere else in that moment.

  He shifted his weight to make sure that she was comfortable, but was drawn back by the eager buck of her lips. He didn’t want the kiss to end. When it did, there would be questions. When he had a moment to think about it, he’d likely feel as if he’d betrayed himself yet again. But as long as he was lost in the movement of her lips, he didn’t have to think.

  Jillian tilted her head back to take a deep breath and looked up at the sky. He pounced on the opportunity to enjoy the slope of her neck. As he heard her subtle gasps he was driven even more. His hand slipped beneath the plaid fabric of her shirt and stroked across her stomach.

  She stiffened beneath him. Her heavy breaths grew light and her hand clenched his beneath the hem of her shirt. “Mateo.”

  “You don’t have to be in control.” He moved his lips back to her mouth.

  She turned her head before he could kiss her again. “Yes, I do.”

  He sat up on his knees and looked down at her. “Why?”

  “One of us has to be.” She met his eyes. Her cheeks were bright red, her lips flushed and swollen from the intensity of their kiss.

  He knew she’d enjoyed it as much as he had.

  “Why?” He gritted his teeth. “Why can’t we just enjoy one another? Didn’t you say we’d see where it leads?”

  “Not like this, Mateo.” She sat up in the leaves, which drew her body close to his and left him straddled across her thighs.

  “What’s so wrong with it?” He stood up and offered her his hand to help her up. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to, Jillian. If this isn’t what you want, just tell me.”

  “It’s what I want—more than anything.” She gripped his hand tight. “Just not like this.”

  “In the leaves? We can go inside.” He started to tug her toward the house.

  “No, Mateo.” She pulled her hand away from his. “I’m sorry. I’ve always been able to go with the flow in relationships, but this isn’t that. I…” She paused.

  He could tell she wanted to say more.

  “What is it? You can be truthful with me. Isn’t that what we talked about? We can trust each other?” He held her gaze.

  “You’re still in love with her, Mateo. That hasn’t changed. A kiss is just a kiss. A little fun is just a little fun, but where this could lead is much more than that—at least it is for me.”

  “Don’t say that.” His jaw clenched and he took a slow breath. “Don’t tell me that I love her. You don’t know how I feel.”

  “It’s okay, Mateo. I’m not asking you for more. I’m asking you to not ask me for what you’re not ready for.”

  “I am ready.” He slid an arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. “You’re the one that’s running.”

  “No.” She looked into his eyes and he felt a tremble carry through her. “I’m not going anywhere. I want to be here for you. I can’t do that if we let things get too messy.”

  “What if that’s not what I want? What if I want more?” He caught her elbows and steered her back to look at him. “Are you going to tell me we can’t try?”

  “Not now.” Her eyes flicked
away from his. “This isn’t the right time.”

  “Why are you the one that gets to decide that? Shouldn’t I have some kind of say in all this?” He pulled her a little closer to him. “I want more, Jillian. I’m ready now.”

  “No, you’re not.” She placed one hand against his chest. “Rebound relationships never work, Mateo, and let’s be honest, you haven’t let go of your marriage. There is nothing good that could come from this.”

  “Is that so? Or maybe you’re too scared to let me in? I’m here, right now. I want to be with you.”

  She tugged herself free of him. “You don’t know what you want, Mateo.”

  “You don’t get to tell me that. You don’t get to decide for me.”

  “Someone has to. I’m sorry. I thought we could be friends, but clearly it’s too difficult. I hope you understand that I’m doing what I think is best for both of us.” She turned away and picked up her rake again. “You need a friend right now, Mateo, not a lover.”

  “Can’t we be both?” He frowned as she started to rake the leaves back into a pile.

  “Not now we can’t. If it’s something you really want once you’ve moved on from your marriage, then we can talk about it. But right now you’ll only be hiding from the pain of your divorce, not connecting with me.”

  “I don’t think that I’m the one that has trouble with connecting. I used to think it was my fault. My temper frightened you, my baggage worried you, but now I see things a little differently. There’s no way that you could feel what I felt when we kissed, and then walk away. So either you didn’t feel anything at all, or you’re just that scared of your own emotions. Which do you think it is, Jillian?”

  Chapter 32

  Jillian licked her lips and thought of a million excuses, but none would be good enough. He stared too deeply into her to believe them.

  “It has to be this way, Mateo—no matter what I feel. I value you too much to risk all that we’ve built on a shaky romance.”

  “It’s not shaky. I’ve never been more certain.”