Caught in the Crotchfire

by Kim Hunt Harris

  Five thrust his chest out and rushed at Xavier.

  Xavier, despite his injury, stood his ground. He faced Five squarely, his own shoulders pulled back. Instantly, he seemed about half again as big as he’d been before. I figured maybe that was something he’d learned in prison — how to face down a threat using body language.

  It worked on Five. He stopped and rocked back on his heels.

  “Do they even know what you did that night? Or do they still think you just happened to be crossing the street when I came along?” Xavier said.

  Five didn’t answer.

  Xavier studied him for a minute. “I wonder what they’d say if I told them. If I told them you were with me that night, that the whole thing was your idea in the first place? If I told them that you were driving the car and freaked out when you realized the police were chasing us? You know what I think? I think they know what kind of chicken son they raised and wouldn’t doubt me for one second.”

  Xavier shook his head. “It wouldn’t matter, though, would it? They’re doing this for you? This whole robbery thing? All of it to help out poor, poor Five. Five who wasn’t blessed with the same opportunities as everyone else.”

  Five’s face darkened, and I thought he would rush the other man again. Then, with what looked like a visible effort, he relaxed. “You know I wasn’t trying to run and leave you that night, Xavier. You know I wouldn’t do that. We were brothers, you and me. I had your back. I was trying to deflect attention, that’s all. You know, divide and conquer. I was gonna distract them so you could get away.” Then he got a weird look on his face, like someone dropping a bomb he’d been planning for a while. “And I’m sure you didn’t really mean to hit me. I was afraid you’d be mad, once I realized how it must have looked. But I never really thought you’d be mad enough to hit me.”

  Xavier apparently wasn’t buying it for one second. “You bailed out and left me in the passenger seat of a car cruising down the street, Five! It was all I could do to scramble over the console and take off. I had no idea where we even were! Of course I didn’t mean to hit you! I was just trying to get away from those flashing lights!”

  His tone was anguished. The tone of someone who carried guilt and remorse.

  I knew that tone.

  Maybe I moved. Maybe that’s what they heard. Maybe my sympathy for Xavier took on actual physical weight and alerted them to our presence.

  Whatever it was, both men froze, and turned to look in our direction.

  I heard Viv gasp softly, and we both stopped breathing.

  Then Five took a step toward the counter.

  Viv’s eyes went wide, and she fumbled for the handbag. Lifting her left hand, she held up three fingers while the right fished for the gun.

  Five took another step.

  She thrust the three fingers at me several times, until I realized she was indicating a “count to three” move. I nodded. What were we going to do on the count of three? Shoot them? I didn’t know. But I nodded anyway.

  She finally got the gun loose from her bag and it waved wildly around our cramped little space. My own blood froze at the idea of being shot in the head at close range. I grabbed the muzzle and pointed it towards the men.

  Viv appeared to get her nerves under control and nodded at me. Then she held her three fingers up again and nodded — one…two…three!

  She screamed and leapt to her feet.

  Belatedly, I screamed too, but with much less conviction. I tried a leaping move but it was more of a flailing scramble into an eventual standing position. Somewhere in all the commotion I bonked my knee and it hurt pretty bad.

  It didn’t matter, though. All anyone saw was a crazy white-haired lady with a gun.

  “Back up!” Viv screamed. She stepped out of from behind the counter with every inch of power she had at her command, her chin high and her mouth set.

  Both men backed up, their hands inching slowly into the air.

  “All right now, let’s just see what we have here.” She pointed the gun at Five. “You’re the robber.” Then she turned to Xavier. “And you’re covering for him.”

  “And you’re a crazy old bat with a gun!” Five said. “Now we’re all caught up.”

  Viv took an angry step toward him. “I’m a crazy old bat with a very big gun,” she said. “And I’m not afraid to use it.”

  The look of defiance on Five’s face quickly gave way to submission. He stepped back again. He finally slid his gaze over to me. “I knew you two were going to be trouble.”

  “You’re smarter than you look, then,” I said, with much more derision and confidence than I felt. I had to recover from the indignity of my own clumsiness, though. “The jig is up, Five. You’re caught dead to rights. Viv and I will both testify, and so will Xavier. Right, Xavier?”

  Xavier was looking less convinced, though. I supposed a previous stint in prison followed by a traumatic head injury would make a person hesitant to get involved.

  Viv, luckily, had no such hesitation. She switched the gun to the left hand and dug in her pocket. “Doesn’t matter, we’ll call the police and they’ll be happy to take — ”

  Five took a quick step toward her.

  Viv jumped back and raised the gun in both hands. “Back up! I will shoot you, you fat little toad!”

  “You’re not going to shoot me, grandma. You’re all bluff.” He took another step.

  “Oh yeah?” She lowered the gun toward his knee, then squinched her eyes tight and squeezed the trigger.

  The gun clicked. It did not go boom.

  We all looked at Viv. She looked stunned, then questioningly at the gun in her hand. She squeezed again. Nothing.

  It dawned on all of us at once that what Viv held was, for whatever reason, not going to resolve this situation.

  Viv threw the gun at Five, turned around, and sprinted out the door.

  “Run, Salem!” I heard her shout from what already sounded like thirty yards away.

  I ran.

  We circled the building and ran toward the street. Where were the cops that were supposed to be patrolling the streets? Where was the traffic? Where was anybody?

  I ran for all I was worth. Viv was way ahead of me. I thought about getting my phone out, about shouting for help, about doing anything, but my body was in essential-personnel-only mode, and had deemed feet and legs the only essential personnel at that moment.

  We ran toward the motel. Viv had already rounded the corner.

  “Open up!” she was shouting. “Let us in!”

  I came around the corner to see her pounding on G-Ma’s door. I drew up beside her, resisting the urge to push her aside so I could knock the door down, looking frantically back and forth between the door and the corner where Five would surely appear at any second.

  I pounded on the door beside Viv and shouted. “G-Ma! Call the police! Let us in!”

  I saw a shadow move behind the curtain and pounded some more, frantic now that help seemed so close. “G-Ma! Let us in!”

  I checked the corner of the building again. Nothing yet, but he couldn’t be far.

  Then, from behind the door, came G-Ma’s angry voice. “You hoodlums aren’t coming in to my place and stealing my money. I’ve got a Colt 45 aimed at your head right now. I’m gonna count to three and them I’m gonna start shooting!”

  “G-Ma, no! It’s me! It’s Salem!”

  “One!”

  “G-Ma, no! It’s — ”

  “Two!”

  As one, Viv and I said very ugly words and turned around to start running again. We hit the Cadillac. The doors were locked.

  Viv scrambled for the key fob and jabbed the button.

  Nothing. Not a freaking thing.

  “I hate this damned car!” Viv growled.

  We gave up and headed for Mario’s.

  We made it to there just as Five rounded the corner of the motel.

  He ran up and pounded on G-Ma’s door. I used half a second to worry about what he might to do G-Ma,
then decided she had seemed like she was prepared to protect herself.

  BOOM!

  Okay, that answered that question.

  Hiding behind the corner of the restaurant, I risked a look back. G-Ma’s shot had gone wide, but it had been enough to scare Five off and he was headed straight toward us.

  I grabbed Viv’s hand and led her into the back entry way of Mario’s.

  “Mario showed me where he keeps the spare key,” I whispered. With shaking hands, I scraped the side of the box and tore the paper away. It took three attempts to get the key into the key hole, but finally it turned. I jerked the door open and we ran inside.

  We kept running until we were well away from the door. We huddled in the back beside the storage room, clinging to each other while we both pulled out our phones.

  “Are you calling the police?”

  “I’m trying!” Viv said. “My hands keep shaking. Your crazy grandmother almost shot us!”

  I had hit the wrong icon three times myself. Finally, I hit the home button twice and shouted, “Windy! Call the police!”

  “Well bless your heart,” Windy said. “I’m calling right now.”

  Viv and I took a collective sigh of relief.

  Then we heard a scuffle of feet in the next room.

  “Did you close the back door?” I whispered frantically.

  “No, did you?”

  “You were the last one in!” I fairly shrieked, but it didn’t matter anymore because he was there.

  “Looky here! My lucky day!” Five approached us with arms wide open.

  “You can’t do anything to us!” Viv shouted the words, but they were too full of trembling to carry much weight. “We’ve already called the police — ”

  “Honey, I’m going to need your address so I can tell the police where to go,” Windy said just then.

  We all stared at the phone. Then Five shouted, “Fourteen thirty-seven Avenue G!”

  “Okay, sweetie, help is on the way.”

  Five grinned at me. “There now. Help is on the way. To somewhere on the other side of town.”

  “Xavier knows who we are. He knows you’re chasing us. He will make sure you don’t get away with this.”

  Five scoffed. “That chicken? He’s already proved all he cares about is saving his own neck. He hasn’t said anything about the robbery, and that makes him an accessory already.”

  “You forget, my grandma is right next door and she has a gun.” I admit this was nothing but pure last-ditch effort, but it was something.

  “Yeah, I’m scared of her,” he said. “If she gets out of that recliner she’ll be a real threat to mankind. Now come over hear and let’s talk about what we’re going to do to make sure you keep your mouth shut.”

  I did not want to talk about that. For a second, I considered making idle promises. I opened my mouth and said, “Wait, we don’t need to do this. We can — ”

  Viv screamed like a banshee, ran into the storeroom, and slammed the door.

  Five and I looked at each other.

  I turned to the door. “Are you freaking kidding me?” I shouted.

  No response.

  Five grinned, looking easier now. “Don’t worry, she’s not going anywhere. This way I’ll have time to deal with you one on one. In a more personal way.” He stepped closer, leering.

  Well now, that was creepy as all heck. I had to believe that, despite what he said, help was on the way from somewhere. My phone was supposed to have GPS — maybe Windy was programmed somehow to access that information and send the cops to the right place. Maybe Xavier really would stop thinking only of his own neck and send the cops after Five. Or maybe G-Ma would get up from the recliner…nope. That one wasn’t going to happen. But maybe one of the other possibilities, if I kept him talking…

  “Why are you doing this, Five?” I asked. “Just tell me that.”

  “Because if I don’t, you’ll tell the police and I’ll go to prison.” He gave me a look like I must be stupid or something.

  “No, not this. The robberies. Why all the robberies? Your family is successful.”

  “Yeah, see, see there,” he jabbed a finger and said with a sneer. “My family. My family is successful. Everybody else is doing good, Five, what’s the matter with you?” He lowered the gun and leaned in to scream at me. “I don’t even have my own name! I’m just the last of the Pigg brothers. We already have four, why did we even need another one? He’s just like the rest. Except he’s not. He’s not handsome, he’s not brave, he’s not a good salesman, he’s not a great athlete. He’s just the last one off the assembly line and got stuck with the leftover genes that nobody else wanted!”

  He slammed his hand against the wall.

  I stammered to find my voice. “That does sound pretty overwhelming,” I said. “I was an only child and always wished I had siblings to hang out with. But it sounds like that could have its drawbacks.”

  “Sister, you don’t even know. It didn’t have to be that way, of course. Those guys were all just complete jerks who loved torturing me. I was everybody’s favorite punching bag since I was born.”

  I tssked and tried to arrange my face into something that would look like compassion.

  “You can’t even imagine how mean four older brothers can be. Each one trying to outdo the other.”

  “So this has been to make them pay. But…” But that didn’t make sense. All of the brothers had been robbed, but lots of other businesses had, too.

  “Oh, they’re paying, all right. But even those big shots don’t have enough for what I need.” He looked happy, then. “All together, they could only kick in about forty percent.”

  “Needed for what?”

  He looked proud. “I finally figured it out. The business I could run that would be more successful than all of theirs. All of theirs combined.”

  “How exciting!” I said. “What is it?”

  He clamped his lips shut and said, “Uh-uh. I’m not telling.”

  “Oh, come on! What business could be more profitable than insurance?”

  “Believe me, this one is. This one will have people coming from all over the county. Hell, all over this part of the state. We’ll probably end up being one of the biggest employers in town. Well, not bigger than Walmart, but…”

  “But one of the biggest,” I said, to keep him on his positive track. He was less scary on his positive track.

  “Exactly. One of the biggest. Bigger than car sales and insurance and football — I mean, come on. Randy wins all the games, but it’s not like he owns a frigging NFL team or anything. He’s a high school coach. He works for the boss. In my business, I’ll be the boss. I’ll be too hot to drop!” He gave a whoop.

  A thought occurred to me and I spoke before I had a chance to think.

  “Oh my gosh. You’re going to buy a Krunchy Kreem franchise!?”

  He froze and narrowed his eyes at me.

  My blood turned cold. “I mean, that’s a fantastic idea! A Krunchy Kreem franchise! Jeez! You’ll be printing your own money.”

  He gave a grudging nod.

  “And you’re right. You’ll need lots of employees. You’ll be giving people jobs.”

  “Good jobs.”

  “Right. Good jobs. With good benefits.”

  “I’ll be sponsoring Little League teams and charity runs. It’ll be my business on the side of Randy’s football bus.”

  “Exactly. I mean, this is the kind of thing that can really boost the whole neighborhood.” Another thought struck me. “Oh my gosh. Is that why you’re robbing all these local businesses?”

  “Do you have any idea how much it costs to open a Krunchy Kreem?”

  I searched my mind frantically for a plausible figure. “Too darned much!” I said at last.

  “Exactly. Too darned much. But it’s a good thing for the community, so in the end it’ll be worth it. Believe me, those jackasses wouldn’t pitch in when they had a chance, but they’ll be glad enough to take the boost in the
ir income when the place gets set up and going strong.”

  I nodded. “You know, that’s actually very smart.”

  “I know, right? I mean, yeah, people didn’t want to invest, but they’ll be getting the rewards of my own hard work, so it’s only fair. I tried to do it in a way that would give them a portion of the profits. But no. Nobody wanted to risk their nest egg on a loser like me. But whatever. I’m the type of person who knows how to adjust their sails and find another way around the horn, if you know what I mean.”

  I wasn’t completely convinced he knew what he meant, but I nodded anyway. “They had their chance.”

  “Exactly. They had their chance.” He stopped and looked around, frowning like he’d just remembered what he was supposed to be doing. “Anyway…”

  “Well, I just really think you’re very smart and you’re going to make a great business owner,” I babbled. “Personally, I can’t wait to get a donut and a cup of that awesome coffee — ”

  “Shut up.” He frowned and put his hands on his waist. “I have to think a minute.”

  He shifted, then paced a few steps before me.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw something shift behind him. I darted a glance. Viv was tiptoeing slowly toward us, her arms upraised, holding something white and rectangular.

  I quickly looked way, terrified of giving her away.

  I took a breath and said in what I hoped was a soothing voice. “Look, I know things look kind of bleak right now, but there’s no reason this has to change anything.”

  “Oh, I’m not planning to change a thing,” he assured me. “I’m just trying to figure out what to do with you.”

  “Me?” I squeaked. “You don’t have to do anything with me.” I risked a glance toward Viv. She was a little closer now. What was that thing in her hands? And how could that possibly stand up to the big gun in Five’s hand? “You don’t have to do anything with me. I’m on your side. I think you have a fantastic idea. I’m all for it. Count me in. Heck, I’ll even chip in for the franchise fee. And look at me. You know I’ll be your best customer.”