Licence to Fish

by Justin Richards

  “I didn’t know they sold those down the supermarket,” said Jack.

  “That’s because you never help with the shopping,” Alice told him.

  “Well,” said Mrs Nuffink with satisfaction as she let the video play through, “isn’t that a bit of a worry?”

  “Not really,” said Beth. “You can’t launch those from inside a trolley.”

  The image on the screen juddered as the trolley hurtled rapidly towards the camera, trailing flames and smoke behind it.

  The screen went white.

  “See what I mean?” said Beth.

  “I really don’t think any of you have been paying full attention today,” Mrs Nuffink said as she handed out homework sheets.

  “We’re excited about the Fishing Club,” Harry explained.

  “I cannot think why. Everyone knows the best way to catch fish is to lie in wait. Be patient. Watch and wait for the fish to appear.”

  “And then?” Chloe asked.

  “Hit it with a club.”

  All the teachers seemed to have different ideas about how to catch fish. In PE, the Chaplain paused in his description of how to crawl under the automated machine guns and avoid the marauding lions to suggest gelignite.

  “Gelignite?” said Beth. “But that’s a powerful explosive.”

  The Chaplain nodded. “Just chuck it in the water. The shock wave from the explosion kills the fish and they float to the surface.”

  “Not much skill in that is there?” said Jack.

  “Kill not skill,” the Chaplain barked. “Anyway, with fish it isn’t the skill that counts. With fish it’s the scale. Now where were we? Oh yes, I was going to tell you about the hidden bear pit.” He paused for a moment before saying to Alfie, “Just help Harry out of there, will you? Before Grizzly gets him. Thank you.”

  In Sabotage, the Major said he also had a good way to catch fish. But they never found out what it was, because at that moment he fell out of the window. Then through the skylight into the dining room.

  He landed in a trough of baked beans.

  Class 3D ran to the window and looked down at the mess.

  “Someone should fish him out,” said Alfie.

  As soon as lessons were over, Class 3D hurried down to the lake at the back of the school. A man and a woman were waiting for them.

  “You must be Class 3D,” the man said. He was holding a fishing rod.

  “We’re very pleased to meet you,” the woman said. She was holding a net.

  They were both wearing business suits and dark glasses.

  “They don’t look much like people who go fishing,” Jack said quietly.

  “They look more like SPUD agents,” Beth whispered.

  “So,” the man said, “I’m Rod Boiled.”

  The woman smiled. “And I’m Annette Mash.”

  As most of Class 3D had expected, fishing turned out to be rather boring. Rod gave a quick description of the fishing rod and the net and the various other pieces of equipment like floats and flies and reels and lines. Then Annette handed out rods and everyone practised casting their lines into the lake.

  “If anyone catches a fish, they’re in big trouble,” said Alice. She had her arms folded and was refusing to join in.

  “I don’t know why you came,” Jack told her.

  “To protect the fish.”

  “It’s all right,” said Annette. “If we catch any

  fish, we throw them straight back into the water.”

  “So what’s the point?” Sam asked.

  “They’ll have holes in,” said Harry. “Where the hook got them. Won’t they leak and sink?”

  “Fish sink anyway,” said Chloe.

  “How do we know if we’ve caught a fish?” Harry asked.

  Annette’s mobile phone was ringing and she turned away to answer it.

  “You’ll feel a tug on the rod,” Rod said. “Then you know you’ve got a fish on the line.”

  Annette was holding out her phone to Rod. “I’ve got our boss on the line,” she said.

  Harry gasped in astonishment.

  “That’s nothing,” Sam told him. “I heard there was a train on the line.”

  “He’s just joking,” Alfie assured Harry. “And I don’t think we’ll catch many fish anyway,” he told Alice. “Not on our first day. And not without bait.”

  In fact, no one caught any fish at all. Soon it was time to pack all the fishing gear away into the big bag that Rod and Annette had brought, and then go home.

  Alfie was one of the last to leave. Rod and Annette were finishing tidying and putting things away. Alice was staring glumly into the lake, and Harry was tying his shoelace. It came undone again straight away.

  “I’m sorry about the fish,” said Alfie to Alice. “But I really don’t think we’ll catch very many, and Annette said we’ll throw them all back. They’ll be fine.”

  “Thanks,” said Alice. “But I just don’t think it’s right to catch fish for no reason.”

  “We could eat them,” said Harry. But that didn’t seem to help. He gave up on his shoelaces and walked with Alice and Alfie back towards the school. “I had a fish as a pet once,” he said.

  “Really?” Alice asked.

  “A goldfish.”

  “What was its name?” Alfie asked.

  “Blue.”

  They walked a bit further, then Alice asked: “If it was a goldfish, why did you call it Blue?”

  Harry seemed surprised at the question. “Because it blew bubbles,” he said, as if this was obvious. “I have to go back to the classroom to get my backpack.”

  Alfie realised that he didn’t have his backpack either. He’d taken it to Fishing Club, so he must have left it by the lake. He said goodbye to Alice and Harry and hurried back to get it.

  He expected to meet Rod and Annette coming back towards the school, but there was no sign of them. The lake seemed calm and deserted. He wondered where they were. Alfie couldn’t help thinking that they did look remarkably like SPUD agents. But why would an organisation like SPUD want to run fishing classes?

  Alfie found his backpack where he had left it lying close to a bush. “There you are,” said Alfie. “I’m glad I found you.”

  “I’m glad too,” said a voice. “You must be Alfie.”

  Alfie stared. There was no one there. Just a bush.

  “I think we need to have a little talk,” said the bush. “There are some very strange things going on round here, I can tell you.”

  Alfie grabbed his bag, and ran.

  Chapter 3

  The next day before school, when Alfie told him about the talking bush, Jack thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.

  “Good one, Alfie. A talking bush! Tell Harry—he might even believe you.”

  “But it’s true,” Alfie protested. “This bush spoke to me.”

  “What, like, ‘Give us a prune’?”

  Harry arrived in time to hear this. “Do bushes eat prunes?” he wondered.

  “Do bushes talk?” said Jack.

  “That one down by the lake does,” said Alfie. “I didn’t imagine it.”

  Everyone was listening now. “I think Alfie’s gone mad,” Chloe said seriously. “He should be locked up in a secure place. For his own safety.”

  “What did this bush say to you?” Sam asked.

  “It said there are some weird things going on.”

  “Like talking bushes,” Beth agreed. “I think we should go and look.”

  “Go and listen, you mean,” said Jack.

  “We can go at break time,” Alice suggested. “I want to look at the lake anyway, and check the Chaplain hasn’t blown it up or anything.”

  At morning break, once Alice was satisfied that the lake wasn’t covered in floating dead fish, they all gathered round the bush.

  “Sure it was this one?” Beth asked.

  “I’m sure,” said Alfie. But now he was here again the whole idea just seemed silly. How could a bush talk?


  “And it called you by name?” Chloe said. “How could it know your name?”

  “It probably overheard us talking to Alfie while we were fishing,” Harry said.

  Chloe stared at him. “It’s a bush. Bushes can’t hear anything.”

  Jack was leaning against a nearby tree. “And whoever heard of a talking bush?”

  “Well,” said the tree. “It’s not that unusual, actually.”

  Jack gave a shriek of surprise and leaped in the air.

  “Told you that bush couldn’t talk,” Chloe said to Alfie. “It was the tree all the time.”

  “A talking tree?” said the tree in surprise. “Where?”

  “Er,” Alfie said, “well you, really.”

  The tree laughed. Its branches shook and a few leaves fell off. “Whoever heard of a talking tree?”

  Alfie and Beth looked at each other. Sam wheeled slightly closer, Harry and Jack close beside him. Alice and Chloe were looking rather puzzled.

  “If you’re not a talking tree, what are you?” Alfie asked cautiously.

  “Aliens,” Jack said. “Got to be.”

  “My dad tried to invent an exploding horse chestnut tree once,” Beth said. Her dad was an inventor with the Government Inventing Taskforce—known as GIT.

  “What for?” Alice asked.

  “To ‘conker’ the enemy.”

  Alfie was still waiting for an answer from the tree. “Well?” he prompted. “And how do you know my name?”

  “I’m one of your teachers, so of course I know your name. I know all your names,” said the tree.

  “Of course!” Jack realised.

  “Of course what?” said Alfie.

  “Can’t you see? This must be Mr. Trick, the camouflage teacher,” explained Jack.

  “Pleased to meet you all,” said the tree.

  “Sorry, sir,” said Jack. “But what are you doing down here by the lake? Everyone’s been looking for you.”

  “Not very hard, they haven’t. And I’m on surveillance duty. Keeping an eye on the grounds. And as I told young Alfie here, there’s something very odd going on.”

  “You’re telling us,” said Sam.

  Then Mr. Trick’s voice came out of a nearby clump of stinging nettles: “I’ve been watching the lake,” it said. “Keeping a look out for the huge, grey, long-necked monster that lives in the water.”

  There was an awkward pause. Then Chloe said in a hushed voice, “And I’ve been fishing in that!”

  “It may have something to do with those two SPUD agents,” Mr. Trick’s voice went on.

  “Er—SPUD agents?” Jack asked.

  “The ones who teach fishing,” said Mr. Trick.

  The last lesson of the day was Tracking Skills. As usual, Sir Westerly Compass was not in his classroom. There was a note on the door sending 3D to room 14F.

  “I didn’t know there was a room 14F,” said Jack.

  “I think it’s next to 9C,” Beth told him.

  “No, no,” Chloe said. “That’s 11Q. Or is it 2B?”

  “2B or not 2B?” said Sam. “That is the question.”

  “The question is, do we believe in monsters?” said Alfie. “We could spend the whole lesson searching for Sir Westerly Compass, like we usually do…”

  “Or?” said Beth.

  “Or we could go down to the lake before the Sixth Form have their Fishing Club. We could check up on Rod and Annette and see if they really are SPUD agents like Mr. Trick said, and we could look for the monster.”

  “There is no monster,” said Chloe. “And I think that Mr. Trick was probably a…a trick. It was Alfie mucking about.”

  “No it wasn’t,” Alfie protested.

  “Talking trees and bushes!” Chloe snorted.

  “I think it’s a great idea,” Jack said. “SPUD spying and monster spotting. I’m in.”

  “I’m going to do my homework in the library,” Chloe decided.

  “I’ll go with Chloe,” said Alice. “I don’t want to be reminded that people catch fish—even SPUD people. Or that monsters might eat them. The fish, I mean. Not the SPUD agents.”

  “I ought to do some homework too,” Sam said glumly. “I’ve got extra Sabotage Theory from the Major for mucking up my last test.”

  “What did you get wrong?” Alfie asked.

  Sam shrugged. “Don’t know. The Major gave me my test paper back, but someone had spilled coffee all over it and I couldn’t read the teacher’s comment. And it seemed to have caught fire.”

  “Well, I got 100 per cent, so I’m in,” said Beth. “What about you, Harry?”

  “If Rod and Annette are there, I might ask if I can do some more fishing today,” said Harry. “I think I like it.”

  “He’s hooked,” said Sam, grinning.

  On the way to the lake, Alfie, Harry, Beth and Jack walked along the edge of the main playing field. A little old lady was standing meekly in the middle of a dozen sixth formers who were lying flat on their backs groaning in pain.

  One of the sixth formers struggled to his feet. Only to be knocked down again by a flying jump kick from the little old lady, accompanied by a fierce Ninja attack cry.

  “I don’t know if they’ll be up to Fishing Club,” said Jack. “Not after Assassination with Miss Fortune.”

  “If Rod and Annette are there, I’m definitely asking if I can do extra fishing,” Harry said.

  The sun was low in the sky, glinting on the surface of the lake. It made it difficult to see if there was a monster rising up from the water. But there was something—a huge, dark shape floating on the water.

  “Duck!” Jack said.

  Alfie, Harry and Beth ducked.

  Jack stared at them in surprise. “No,” he said,

  urgently. “Big duck!”

  They flung themselves to the ground.

  Jack frowned. “There, in the lake.” He pointed to the huge, dark shape. “There’s a big duck in the lake.”

  From where he was now lying on the wet grass, Alfie could see that the shape was indeed a big duck. In fact, an enormous duck. It was about two metres tall. And bright yellow.

  “You think that’s the monster?” Beth asked. “It’s not grey.”

  “It’s just a duck,” Harry said.

  “Big duck,” Alfie pointed out.

  “Don’t you start,” Beth said.

  “I bet that’s what Mr. Trick saw,” said Jack. “He saw a big duck and thought it was a monster.”

  Alfie wasn’t convinced. “I don’t think a long-necked grey monster would look like a big yellow duck.”

  “No,” Harry agreed. “I think it would look more like that.” He pointed at the lake.

  Alfie and the others had to shield their eyes from the sun to see what he was pointing at.

  It was an enormous, grey monster. Its long neck was rising up out of the water, in front of

  the duck, looming over it—ready to strike. When the monster slowly sank out of sight, the duck was gone.

  “Yes,” Alfie said. “Exactly like that.”

  “Where did the duck go?” Beth asked.

  “The monster ate it,” said Jack. “Better not tell Alice!”

  Harry was still shielding his eyes from the sun and looking down towards the edge of the lake. “There’s Rod and Annette.”

  “Maybe they saw the duck and can tell us where it went,” Alfie said. “Or the monster.”

  “I’m going to ask them,” Harry decided. He ran off towards the lake shore.

  The others waited as Harry spoke briefly to Rod and Annette—who were still both in their suits and dark glasses.

  “You think they really are working for SPUD?” Beth asked.

  “Got to be, dressed like that,” Jack said confidently.

  “Maybe,” Alfie said. “They don’t look like they usually teach fishing, do they? But if they’re working for SPUD, what are they doing?”

  “Spying on us,” Jack said.

  “Yeah, right,” Beth told him. “They want to
know how good we are at fishing. That’ll help them in their plans.”

  “What are their plans?” Alfie wondered. “What does SPUD actually want, do you think?”

  “Power,” Jack told him. “They’re always trying to rig elections and replace world leaders with their own agents.”

  “Loads of money,” Beth added. “They rob banks and steal from wealthy countries.”

  “World domination,” Jack said. “The usual.”

  Harry came running back, out of breath.

  “Did you ask them?” Jack demanded. “What did they say?”

  “They said I can do extra fishing on Thursday.”

  “So, you didn’t ask if they saw the monster, then?” Alfie said.

  “Or where that poor thing went?” Beth added.

  “Where what poor thing went?”

  “Duck, Harry!” Jack told him. “Big duck!”

  “Get up, Harry,” said Beth. “That’s not what he meant.”

  Chapter 4

  In morning break the next day, Beth unveiled her blueprint for a Monster Catcher. It was drawn on a large sheet of paper that covered several tables in the classroom. Everyone gathered round to see.

  “It looks like Sam’s wheelchair,” said Alfie.

  “That’s because it is Sam’s wheelchair,” Beth explained.

  “Sam’s already got a wheelchair,” said Chloe.

  “I’m very happy with it,” Sam agreed. “I don’t need another one.”

  “It’s Sam’s wheelchair,” said Beth, “with some special modifications.”

  “That looks like a big fishing rod,” said Alice. She didn’t sound happy about it.

  “It’s a rod for catching monsters.” Beth

  pointed to the blueprints. “This is actually thick rope instead of fishing line. This reel is made from an oil drum. The rod itself is a girder from the canteen roof. I’ve got all the bits ready and waiting to be put together.”

  “A girder from the canteen roof?” said Harry. “Doesn’t the roof need it?”

  “Don’t be silly,” Beth snapped. “I’ve already taken it down, and the roof is absolutely fine. So, if we’re all agreed, I can weld everything together and attach it to Sam’s chair at lunch time.”

  “If we can actually catch the monster,” Alfie said, “then we might find out what’s going on. Perhaps,” he said as a thought occurred to him, “that’s what Rod and Annette are here for. They’re trying to catch the monster.”