My parents looked at each other without speaking for a moment, then Dad said, "Forget that. Let's add a whole ten grand to it. I want that decision made in our favor." Mom nodded, and Dad added, "It just means less of an inheritance for the kids, but I'm fine with that."
I rolled my eyes and he laughed, then the agent said, "I'll go chat with their agent right now. Feel free to hang out here."
"The other agent and the sellers are at the coffee shop down the street," Dad said when she'd left. He looked around and sighed. "I hope this works."
"Me too."
He smiled at me, then we sat in a nervous silence until their agent walked back in, grinning so widely she hardly needed to say, "Congratulations, you've just bought a house."
Mom clapped her hands again and Dad stood and shook hands with the agent. "Thank you," he said. "I'm sure we'll be very happy here."
"So am I," she said, beaming at him. "Now, I'm heading back to the coffee shop to grab myself a celebratory drink and I'll bring the sellers back with me so we can get everything signed. Can I get any of you a drink?"
My parents both requested coffee but I shook my head. "I've got work to do so I'll get out of the way." I turned to Mom. "But thanks for calling me. I'm so glad I got to see it."
"Me too," she said, almost bouncing in her seat with excitement. "Of course, you'll get to see it lots more. You and Catherine both."
Our eyes met and we said, "Catherine," together. She wouldn't like being left out.
"Can you call her?" Mom said.
"Sure. I left my phone in the car, so I'll run out and give her the news. Unless you'd rather?"
Mom glanced at Dad then said, "No, you go ahead. But come in with the phone after so we can talk to her too, okay?"
"Yep."
As I stood outside skimming through my contacts for Catherine's listing, I was glad Mom had let me tell her. If she was outraged that they'd found a place without her, better she dump her feelings on me than ruin my parents' delight.
"Hello, this is Catherine," her voicemail said, and even from those few words I could tell she was exasperated. "I left my phone in Toronto but I'm in Niagara Falls for the weekend. If you need me, call Marshall's cell since I'll be with him most of the weekend. Otherwise, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I get home."
My sister hated being without her phone for even a moment, so I didn't envy Marshall a weekend of dealing with her. "Hey, Catherine, it's me. Wanted to let you know the parents just bought a house. It's really cute and perfect for them. Give them a shout when you have a chance and they'll tell you all about it. Hope the tournament's going well and I'm so sorry about your phone thing."
I put the phone away and locked the car then headed back to the house. Halfway up the path, though, I froze.
Through the living room window's open curtains I saw my parents, locked in each other's arms and kissing like their lives depended on it.
I stood staring, stunned by the obvious passion between them, then turned away when I realized how awkward it would be if they saw me watching them. I went back to the street and sat on the hood of my car. I needed to think. What I'd seen changed everything.
I'd assumed they had a passionless marriage, the kind I'd thought I'd have if I got together with Percy. But I'd been wrong. All my life, I'd had a role model for a relationship filled with both love and sex and I hadn't realized it. Everything I'd seen of my parents seemed different filtered through this new understanding. Even their teasing criticism of each other wasn't the sign of a dead relationship: it was foreplay.
Not that I needed to think about my parents in bed. Please, no. But clearly they went there, and not just the twice they'd had to so Catherine and I would be born.
I sat on the car, struggling to accept that a nice guy like my dad could also be passionate, until Mom came out. "Lydia, what are you still doing out here? Did you call Catherine?"
I nodded. "She left her phone at home so I didn't talk to her but I left a message."
"Okay, but why are you--" She blushed. "I guess you looked in the window? Your dad said this morning that if we got the house the first thing he wanted to do was kiss me. Sorry about that."
"Don't be sorry," I said at once. "It's good. Well, not that I saw it, but you know. I guess I thought you guys weren't like that any more, or never were."
Her eyebrows went up. "Well, not in front of you and Catherine, no, but of course we are. Why did you think we weren't?"
I shook my head. "Passion and long-term relationships aren't supposed to go together."
Mom laughed. "People just say that so other people don't get jealous. And of course sometimes that stuff fades but it doesn't have to. You do know that, right?"
I knew passion didn't have to fade, since I'd felt it for Damien for years. But it had been so awful at times. "Doesn't it feel bad?"
She stared at me, her forehead wrinkling. "I don't understand the question. Does what feel bad?"
Larissa and I had talked about the exhausting attraction-repulsion thing we felt for the sexy guys, and we'd understood each other, but I'd never thought I'd be discussing this with my mom and I wasn't sure where to start. I looked down at my hands and said, "Wanting to... be with someone, but also feeling like... like something about him is pushing you away too. Like you should run. That's what passion is, right? So doesn't that feel bad after years and years of it?"
She didn't speak for a long moment, so I looked up, into her unexpectedly tear-filled eyes. She pulled me off the car and hugged me. "Lydia, honey, that's not passion," she said, her voice choked. "That's... that's lust for a man that's not right for you. If it's right, it feels right. It's all pulling in, not pushing away. If you're trying to run away, then I think you should."
I'd been trying to run away from every guy I'd ever been with?
My heart squeezed hard. Yes. I had. From Damien right on through to the guy in Mississauga, on some level I'd known they weren't right for me. I'd never been with a guy who was right.
A wave of sadness rolled over me like black water and I hugged her harder.
She tightened her grip on me and whispered, "That's not... you've only had that?"
I bit my lip and nodded.
She gave a stifled sob. "My baby. That's not good at all."
"No," I mumbled. "No, it isn't good."
*****
Mom and I hugged each other tight for a little longer, then she took a deep shuddering breath. "Your dad'll be wondering what we're up to out here. And the sellers will be back any minute." She smoothed my hair and said, "Are you okay?"
"I think I have a lot to think about."
She squeezed me so hard that I gasped.
"Sorry," she said. "Didn't mean to smush you."
We both laughed, albeit shakily, since she'd always hugged us too hard as kids and said exactly that. "Yeah, I'll be okay," I said.
She let me go and raised her tear-stained face. "Of course you will. You're too smart and wonderful not to be."
"Got that from you."
Her eyes filled again, but she blinked the tears back and said, "Well, obviously. Where else could it have come from?"
We laughed, and hugged again, then I heard her real estate agent calling, "Here we are!"
Mom swiped at her cheeks and turned. "Just let me finish crying over the house with my daughter and I'll be right in."
Everyone chuckled and they went inside.
She smoothed my hair again. "Are you going home or staying here?"
"I'm going. Should I go in to say bye to Dad?"
A movement caught my eye and I looked at the living room window to see Dad waving. He then pointed at me and gave another big wave, then at Mom and made a 'get in here' gesture.
"I think that takes care of it," Mom said. "Wave back at the crazy man then I'd better go."
I did wave back, and he gave me a thumbs-up and disappeared back into the house.
"Take care of yourself," Mom said. "And have a good dinner o
ut tomorrow night. And of course good luck on Monday and let me know how it goes. And--"
Dad reappeared at the window, waving and gesturing with more vigor.
"You'd better go," I said, nudging her in the right direction. "Before he blows a gasket."
She nodded. "Or at least an elbow joint. Oh, Lydia. He's a fool. But he's my fool."
She'd said that so many times before, but this time I really understood what it meant. I smiled at her, and she smiled back then headed for the door.
"Let me know what you want for a housewarming present," I called after her.
She laughed. "Save your money. No inheritance coming, after all."
We waved once more then she vanished into the house and I drove myself home. Once there, I sat stroking Paddington's soft fur for a few minutes then decided to take him back to the nature preserve.
As it was a fiercely cold day we were alone, and I stomped along listening to the snow crunching beneath my boots and thinking.
I had told myself I loved Damien but I didn't think I ever really had, and I certainly hadn't loved anyone since.
If it's right, it feels right.
It had never felt right. Not the way Mom made it sound, not like every cell of my body and every shred of my soul was drawn to the guy.
I wanted that. I wanted a real relationship. But I'd have to change how I looked at guys to make that happen. And not just how I looked at them.
I took a deep breath, letting the icy air wash through me. This would be the mother of all 'good to myself' decisions that were hard to stick with, but I knew that what I wanted would be worth it, so I made the promise out loud to the forest and the snow and my big happy dog.
"I will not have sex again unless I know I'm in love."
Chapter Forty-Nine
On Sunday morning after a challenging but still doable intermediate yoga class and a trip to the spa to get my eyelashes tinted because I loved the way they looked enough to spend the money I went home relaxed and loose then set to work again on my presentation. I'd taken most of Saturday night off, too stunned and confused by my relationship revelation to be able to focus, but even so nearly every detail was perfect already.
I polished my work for the rest of the morning, changing tiny things then as often as not changing them right back again, and as I ate lunch I decided I'd done enough. There would always be things I could tweak, of course, but continuing to slave over it would put me in a tense and uncomfortable mood for my dinner with Percy and I didn't want that.
I'd realized I liked him. I'd realized there was the possibility of a relationship with him working in a way I'd never have anticipated. But I didn't know whether that possibility could or should become reality, or for that matter whether he was interested in me like that, and I wanted to be at my best tonight so I could try to find out.
Paddington smelled a little more doggy after his time at the nature preserve than would be ideal if Percy ended up coming over after dinner, so I gave the beast a bath and savored the feeling of relaxing and enjoying it instead of seeing it as a chore. Then I took my own shower and dressed for the afternoon in jeans and a sweater before beginning to search my closet for what to wear with Percy. I'd never much cared what I wore to see him before, but this time felt different.
Since the great closet purge had left me with far less clutter, I was quickly able to choose a sleek black skirt and silvery top that were comfortable and looked good on me and felt like me, so I'd be at ease in my clothes and my skin for our dinner.
My eyes fell on the furry purse. I'd left it at home 'just this once' a week or so ago and hadn't used it again since. It was gorgeous, and I wanted it to be me. But it just wasn't. And I didn't feel at ease with it. I'd tried to change myself to suit it, but I didn't want to do that any more.
I sat on the closet carpet studying the purse, asking again and again what would be good to myself.
Then I checked to make sure the purse was empty and headed out to the consignment store.
The owner was shocked to see me and the purse. "Is there something wrong with it?"
I shook my head. "It's perfect. It's just not meant to be with me."
She looked awkward. "I'll take it back, of course, but since it's had one more owner I can't--"
"I don't expect the full two hundred dollars back," I assured her.
Her shoulders relaxed. "Good. I had trouble with someone today over that. Can I check it out?"
I passed her the purse, and she examined it while I examined myself for second thoughts. I'd wanted that thing so long, craved it really. Could I really just give it up now?
Apparently I could, because I didn't feel even a twinge of regret.
"It looks great," she said. "Did you use it at all?"
I nodded. "For about three weeks, then I stopped."
"Okay." She eyed it some more. "How's..." She tipped her head to one side. "If I said one fifty, what would you say?"
Her tone told me she knew already and was just trying to get there without wasting our time. "I'd say I was hoping for one eighty. Then you'd think for a bit and say you could do one sixty-five and I'd agree to that."
She laughed. "I think you've been shopping here too long. You're exactly right. Shall we say we did that?"
I held out my hand and we shook as I said, "Sounds good."
"Cash or store credit?"
"Does the credit expire?"
"Nope."
It would be nice to come in occasionally and hunt for something that suited me perfectly, and nicer to already have money here to pay for that something when and if I found it. "Credit works for me."
She set the purse back on its original pedestal and went to the back room, calling over her shoulder, "I'll just be a minute. Have to get it all in the computer, which is slower than frozen dirt, and print out your copy."
"No problem."
I began browsing the store, looking at everything. Naturally, quite a few things caught my eye, but no things caught my heart until I saw the necklace.
Made of some richly grained golden wood, the pendant was unmistakably the shape of a dog. A retriever, to be exact. If someone had told me Paddington had been the model I wouldn't have been surprised. I'd never seen anything like it.
I fastened the black satin cord around my neck and the dog settled against my skin, cool at first then warming from my body heat. Even before I peered into a mirror and realized it suited me perfectly I'd already decided to buy it because it felt so good on me.
"You can knock thirty bucks off that credit," I said after checking the price tag for the necklace and its simple round matching earrings. "I'm in love with a necklace."
She laughed from the back room. "The dog one? That's been waiting for just the right person. I'm glad it found you."
"Me too."
The front door opened and a woman in a thick ski jacket and what looked like pajama pants walked in.
"Be right there," the owner called from the back.
"No problem," the newcomer said, then walked straight to my former purse as if the thing had sunk hooks into her and hauled her in. "Wow, look at this. Gorgeous."
"Yeah."
She turned her face, makeup-less and a little red from the cold, to me. "Can you imagine someone selling this? She'd have to be crazy."
"Maybe it wasn't right for her."
She shook her head. "For something like this, I'll change myself. In a second." She touched the purse like she was touching a sacred relic. "It'll be worth it."
It hadn't been to me.
Chapter Fifty
I sat alone at the restaurant table, staring out at the softly falling snow drifting in the golden glow cast by the streetlights. As soon as we'd been seated, Percy had said, "If you'll excuse me," and headed off in the direction of the washrooms.
I didn't mind being left by myself, though, because something had sparked between us when we met and hugged at the front door of the restaurant and I still wasn't sure how I felt about i
t. Seeing him had confused me. He was cute, and he'd clearly dressed as carefully as I had for our dinner. For our date? But the whole 'a nice guy can be sexy too' thing didn't feel as likely now. Percy was my friend. My buddy. How was I suddenly going to see him as sexy? If he tried to kiss me, wouldn't I burst out laughing?
Two white limos pulled up outside Steel, next door to us, and I watched a man in a black tux step out of the first one then help a woman in a sleek white wedding dress with a furry wrap around her shoulders make her way out of the car and onto the thoroughly shoveled sidewalk. Once she was safe, he turned to her which made him face me too, and I recognized him as the sexy guy I'd seen at Steel when I had my first lunch there with Percy.
I didn't get more than a momentary glance at him, though, because he pulled the woman in white close and kissed her as other people spilled out of the limos and began clapping. His hand cupping her face, the obvious tenderness of his kiss, the way he held her... there was no doubt in my mind that this sexy guy was deeply in love. And clearly newly married.
The kiss ended, and everyone clapped and cheered, then they all headed for the front door of Steel.
I recognized Forrest Williams in the group, with his arm around a woman carrying a tiny baby in a pink snowsuit, but though this was the closest I'd ever been to my favorite player I barely looked at him. Instead I kept watching the bride, yearning more than I ever had before for what she had. Someone to love her, to kiss her in her wedding dress in front of everyone, to share her future. I wanted it so much it hurt.
The bride sat down on a concrete flowerbox in front of the restaurant and folded her arms, and everyone laughed and began snapping pictures for some reason.
"Sorry I left you."
I jumped and looked up.
"Sorry," Percy said again, more concern in his voice. "Are you okay?"
Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13) Page 25
